Oh gosh, is this what I've come to.....

For the last couple of weeks I've been relatively miserable. Not in a really terrible way, just in a sense that something is missing terribly from my life. It's not a what though.....it's a who.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but for the past at least 10 days, all I seem to have done is sat at the laptop and periodically clicked on the "reload live bookmark" button, just to see if a certain someone has posted any new bulletins. Just really to get an inkling of that person in my life. True I have called a couple of times, and we have spoken, but I find it hard to know what to say. I think the worst part is feeling that I should have so much to say, but never really having the courage to say anything. It's not liking picking things back up with an old friend (which I am finding increasingly difficult anyway), it's like a horrible longing for the right words to come along, and to suddenly be in deep conversation and be able to talk for hours.

Not only that, but this someone has been through an awful lot since day one. None of which, no matter what they have done, was deserved. Nobody deserves to be and feel what they have done. More than anything I want to be able to give this person back exactly what they have given me. A new view of the world, and a new outlook on others.

While a lot of people who have entered my life have been a continual disappointment, there are a slight few that haven't. A very very slight few. In fact, I think only three or four, one of which is them. Trouble is, while they haven't been a continued disappointment.......well I've not exactly shown my best side to them. How can I expect someone to be at their best, when I am not showing myself at my best? Thing is, mostly they have been. And there have been days when some slightly harsh words have been spoken between us, but I know in my heart somewhere along the lines it's just because they/I care.

I've never been in this deep with anything or anyone. Or longed, rightly or wrongly, to be around someone so much, and yet not known how to deal with it. So I've done all I know how, and that's read what they have to say and on the occasion left a comment. Just sitting and waiting for something else to read, so can use my imagination for a few moments, and just feel like they are talking to me, as often has done before.

This feeling, this awful sense of void, nothing, love and grief, emptiness, frustration, longing, and even happiness I feel is tearing me apart. It's complete nonsense really, and yet so overwhelming. Emotions can be that though can't they. They can be overwhelming. And no matter how many times I tell myself they aren't real, they are a figment of my imagination, it's all in my head, and one person does not require to have all these crazy feelings in association with another......It's that poxy ego that ruins everything.

It was a while ago that they told me they were broken. I said "no, you're not broken, you are just temporarily unfixed". What on earth is temporarily unfixed. How stupid a comment was it. I was trying to be helpful, and supportive, but without really doing anything much. Of course broken is broken. I figured temporarily unfixed was with a view to actually being fixed. Well broken things get mended. Broken is broken. Either way it can be dealt with.

The thing I long for most, I really really long for, is just a chance to hold that someone in my arms and just say thank you. I've said it a lot, but thank you never really seems to me to be enough. I want to do something incredibly extravagant I suppose, and just want them to know how it is that I feel about them, and what they have done for me. Even if the feeling is not reciprocated, it doesn't matter.

Thing is at the moment I cannot bare to see them, whilst longing to do so. I'm a bit on the emotional on-the-edge side. One moment I'm happy, the next incredibly sad. I can't even really bring myself to speak to them on MSN, when that's the easier way to communicate.

I suppose I am writing this with a view to them maybe having a glance, but I don't really want this to be th way that my feelings are shown to someone. I'll make gestures and stuff and do things but gosh. Even little things that I have done, or tried to do, to me just don't really cut it. When I said to them "I love you" I truly whole-heartedly meant it. They do in fact mean the world to me, and so much more. In fact I shall try to put it in this way. If we were both in a multi-storey building, and I was at the bottom, and they were at the top....If the building were on fire, or going to collapse, I'd rather not just simply run out of the building, I would in fact prefer to go to the top to be with them at the end, or at least die trying.

If I sound incredibly mental for thinking of doing such a thing, well then I am. I am, and I'm proud of it. Being mental isn't generally something to be proud of is it. But What really is a definition of mental. And in fact could you be mental? And more over, everyone is mental in their own right, so therefore who is anyone to judge my mentalness.

By the way, at the time of writing this, this was their latest blog post...Mother.

This person has such an amazing bond with his family it's uncanny. And when one walks into their house you can feel this weird lovely warmth all around. I shant say much more about the family, just know that I wish my family was like this one. By the way, their sister is included in my three or four. And yes she is special, and very hard-working, while at the same time very loving, caring, and everything a mummy should be. I'm not saying that mine isn't. I do love her, but she is very different from me, she's very uptight, and can't cope with much, worries even more than I do about everything, and is very much too much for me.

This is besides the point. I have digressed from my ramble. I expect if anyone is reading this, you are in fact very bored now, and probably were before I'd even started. I am not in a healthy frame of mind at the moment, and I find it increasingly more difficult to keep picking myself back up off the floor. Well really I can be so low that really I should say Earth's core...if it does actually have one.

I've been writing over an hour. I've smiled, and I've cried. My only little escape from this whole thing is sleep. I can't read anything, it all goes back to them...even the book I am reading, I read little bits, and I think, oh that's what they said, and reading beyond that point is useless as they are forefront on my mind, and I have no idea what I have read.

I'm not depressed, in essence I just miss them terribly, and yet am petrified of what will happen when I get the chance to see them...even just communicate a little. It's bizarre. It's horrible. I've had butterflies for days. Everytime I look at my phone I feel sick. Everytime someone signs into messenger I feel sick, and everytime I refresh their blog I feel sick. My belly just seems to be churning around in circles.

Please be advised that I only think of this person very highly, and will never have a bad word said about them. So if you want to say something, you can, just make sure it's nice. A bad thought about someone will come back and bite you on the bum.

Do I have anymore to say on the matter. Oh how I wasn't so confused.

It's like something I have read that someone else has written.....

Isn't it ironic that the one person who gives you strength and courage is your one weakness.

It's not ironic, I think it's an unwritten law personally, as in almost every case where strong emotions are involved............