No time like the present

I think, being in the state that I am in in the moment, that it's about time. I said a couple of days ago that I feel like a teenager, and I really do. I seem to recall at some point feeling ever so lonely, and feeling that the whole world was against me. Like nobody knew me, and nobody cared. In a way I feel like this now. I've felt it for the past few days. Over the past week it seems that my mum has been been telling me what I do and don't like. What I do and don't do. What I am and what I am not. What I have and what I don't. And yet, she doesn't have a clue.

I don't talk to her. Mostly because my pride and ego get in the way. But sometimes, everything she does and says just irritates the life out of me. No matter what it is she is saying, or who she is saying it too. I just feel myself getting frustrated every second. I hide in my room mostly at the moment. It just saddens me that someone who should know you knows nothing. I get very little credit from her, and for some reason I have to be actively seen to be doing something before someone will notice. I've been told I've not bothered to look for a job. I've applied for a few. I've been told that I've not done any uni work....I have. It's just like the family have no faith in me.

Thing is, mum asks those silly questions. She asks things about Uni and work, neither of which I like to talk about. I know she is just trying to show an interest, but they are simply the wrong things. If I don't like something I want to shut it out of my mind from the moment I stop, until the moment I go back. So I don't want to be asked about what I did at work, or if I had a nice time at work. Chances are I did the same as I did every other day I was at work, and chances are, like every other day it was pretty pants.

Nobody cares what my interests are. And when I say things like philosophy or nature, they just seem to laugh and throw it in my face. My nan thinks this whole philosophy thing is hilarious. Mum likes ot take the P a bit too. I know that this does not fit in with their life interests, but why can they not listen to what I like and why I like it, and respect that? I don't understand.

I've spent a lot of time with the amazingness, and we had many discussions as to why I couldn't speak to him. We recognised it to be my relationship with my father that was the problem. And it truly is. When I went to the football with him last week, I found it incredibly difficult to know what to talk to him about. I really really struggled. But it's not just my dad. Talking to my mum is just as hard. We have walked the dogs a couple of times, been out for a good 40 mins or so, and we've hardly managed to muster up a word to each other. Well...not unless it's some crap about how I have no money and I need to go and get myself a job and stuff.

I try this small talk stuff. This relationship building thing. Talkign about house decorating (because they are both really into it, and I am in the closet about it). Music, football, the dog, the weather.....but everything makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Worst thing about it is, is that I need to be able to do this for other realtionships in my life to work. I need to crack this problem, that clearly lies within me, to enable myself to build further real relationships, and not meaningless superficial ones.

That doesn't go to say that every relationship I have or have had has is and has been superficial. It just simply means that they are not real. They are not as they should be. Because I cannot communicate with the people closest to me, I cannot communicate with the majority of the rest of people. I can at face value, but as soon as someone means something to me, like the amazingness does, things just generally go a bit kaput.

It was when I was a teenager that I lost my close relationship with both my parents that I had as a young child. Therefore while I feel how I did then, perhaps it's the best chance I have in which to get those back.

Now then....to tackle that problem of that damn ego, and that pride..............