Realisations

I've just realised something. I have been communicating with Lucy via notes pased around a room, going back to my roots. Good old-fashioned pen and paper. I'd talk, but we are in a lesson, and I don't like to be disruptive (much). I asked about her holiday. She took her boyfreind of what seems to me like a million lifetimes long on a nice romantic break for his birthday. They went to yorkshire somewhere and it sounds very nice.

Anyway, I read it, and suddenly felt a longing to be in a relationship. An actual relationship that's real and good and nice, and loving and stuff. I've thought about it for the past year, since the amazingness came to be, but that just hit home I think. I said once about writing a story and making it a good one. Well I'd better write it damn quick.

I've started a note writing revolution. Yeah baby.

Anyway, yesturday I was going along the lines of everyone is alone. Everyone, even if they experience the same thing. experiences are personal, and individual, and everyone received them differently. Only they know what the experience is, but it's nice to have someone. Okay, so I do have someone, the amazingness, and I am in a relationship of a sort, a funny relationship as my mum says. While he is brilliant and amazing and every other word under the sun that... and I know, I know I say to myself that I'd rather have his as afriend for life than anything more and something to go wrong and loose him... there, there, there it is, that bit of nagativity, that I've disguised, and kept hidden from me for ages. I am happy how things are, I've never have a friend like it, but I do want more. But then that's just me being selfish isn't it.

A note to you amazingness: I only want as much as you want. That's good enough for me any day, okay.

Relationships, to me are quite scary. I've never really had a real one. And any that I have had have only lasted a couple of months tops. In fact, the only realish one that I had was a couple of months filled with absolute rubbish. I know what my problem is. I hurt the whole way through, but as normal I was nice little sweet little Ashley, and tried to be supportive and understanding, and thinking that he could be trusted, and would never do anything in the world to hurt me, and he infact did. And I never told him how I felt about the whole situation, I just tried to be there, and support him, thinking all the time that this was eating him up. It may have been, I do not kow whether I got anything truthful or if the whole thing was lies. She was so convincing, but I had no reason to believe this maniac woman who appeared to make my life hell.

Sometimes I think this is history repeating itself. I did everything that I could for him, i tried to help all the time, but forgot to take into conscideration how I felt about things. How did I feel about things? I don't even rememeber. Chantal was just a complete nightmare, and collectively they hurt me a lot. I forgave and forgot when I go the "whole" story, because that's what I do.

But it's funny isn't it, the brain doesn't forget, it just reacts to similar things in the very same way, and yes it's doing it again.

And so I've stored the emotion and fear and whatever else long enough. I can see it now, I've just got to get my mitts on it and remove it.

Really I just want to love someone and give them every little part of me... I wont get hurt like I did before, it's just imaginary after all. And if that is imaginary, then surely I can imagine that I am in a relationship, and I love someone and they love me, and everythng is hunkydory.

I don't need one, and not having one is far less hasstle, that's a guess, since I don't really have a frame of reference... but... I'd like one!!!