Burried Alive - stuck in the mud

Creativity isn't one of my strong points. I do have an imagination, but when it comes to explaining what I see when I am totally relaxed, well that's when it disperses.

I see things when my eyes are closed. Things that I only close my eyes to see I am sure. Largely, like a complete numpty I ignore the fact that I am gifted in a very weird way. I don't fit.

This is the thing. I am here, and I am me, and I am stuck. I am stuck because I know there is more to things that what we just just see and here. The amazingness is a prime example of this. There is so much more to him that what anyone realizes, even me. And why do I call him the amazingness? Because he understands. He understand what it is to go inside and find out what a persons own demons are. He has insight into so many things, so many wonders, and do you know why. It's because unlike me and the vast majority of people, he follows his heart, he believes in himself and his thoughts, and doesn't let much knock him back. I listen to him, and it's so refreshing. I think he truly is one in a million, and this is probably why I think of little other than him. I don't even know how to describe what he can feel and think and do. If I could, i think the only person that would truly understand it would be... well him.

Thank you to the person who sent me a text and said 'don't get too attached to "the amazingness" because there are plenty of other guys that would get attached to you for a lot less'. While this is probably true, there are not many people that I would even want to get myself attached to.

I don't fit in. I've mentioned before I think that I am an observer. I am leading a double life, and at the moment, it's probably killing me on the inside. Torn between the head and the heart, I am burying myself alive. Mostly because I am so unsure of what I am thinking at any moment in time.

I've looked inside myself so many times, and yet I find nothing, I do find something, I find the cause of my problems, I've been helped so much to find it, but the trouble comes when I try to grab it and get it out. like my imagination when I try to share it, it just disperses. It moves, and it hides itself somewhere else, like a child playing hide & seek.

It is a game of hide & seek, my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all there, I just can't pin them down long enough to listen to them.

Today I have tried to do something that I've not done in an absolute age. I've to tried to simply lay down, relax and clear my head. Truth is, I've been so restless and rattled that I've not been able to do it.

I wrote loads earlier, I don't know what about, I simply got in a semi strop and scribbled all over it... It's no longer readable.

I am a soft touch. I know not what I do, where I go, what I am, who I am... I hate who I have become, for I don't know what it is.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more like the amazingness... in the sense that I could understand the stuff that isn't really comprehendable to most. I have my days, but my understanding, accepting and knowledge is inconsistent. 3 steps forward.....some days, and always 2 steps back.....every day.