All The Small Things

What I find crazy, most crazy of all, is that I can write stuff on here that can be read by anyone. When I write things down they make more sense than any other which way the thoughts and ideas come out of me.
I do things so that people, important people to me, know I care, but in reality whatever I have done, or do do is not really showing that I care at all...it’s the small things, the small things that are so little but always always make a huge huge difference.
But how do you give something that you’ve never given before? And when you are not even half way to knowing what is inside yourself anyways. How do you share something with someone that you don’t understand, and no matter how many times you try, you cannot put the words together to even explain.
In the lines of sensitivity that’s what I am.
But then Ash, whoever she really is, always has been, but it’s always been largely ignored. The inability to show emotions, for everyone to always wonder how she can be so full of life and so happy all the time......is she really?! Pretending to be something she is not all the time, and loosing her sense of self......she’s forgotten who she is, for always pretending to everyone that she’s something else.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, and I heard it last year at uni, the words... Ashley you’re a bit weird, but I like you. Strangely I was flattered by the remark, and now I would think to myself, weird compared to what? What’s “weird” and what’s “normal”. Are they actually any different? Is anyone an individual, and if so, is there in fact culture or society.
Where am I going with this? Where was I? Showing that you care, you could make the biggest gestures in the world for someone, but telling them that you care, far outweighs everything else. And if you care so much for someone then theoretically you should want to tell them every little thing about anything............although, changing the habit of a lifetime is no easy thing, and when so much is eating away at you...how can it ever happen?
I know it can, I know full well it can happen, and I know that nothing would make me happier...I just wish the light had an on/off switch, rather that a dimmer, which turns ever so slowly, and dims the light just as often as it makes it brighter. 2 steps forward and one step back in other words.
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER ASHLEY...KEEP PUSHING THROUGH, AND STOP BEING SUCH A MISERABLE COW!!!!!!!!!!
Why?
Coz there’s no bloody need woman, and if you feel crap on the inside, everything on the outside is crap too............Good Luck
Erm..........thanks