I found this old thing today as I was looking for a page to do some uni work on......
On this planet there are billions of people, and every single one is alone.
Now you may not think I am right, and the argument that I am about to put forward may not be all that convincing, you're just going to have to trust me on this one.
You may have friends and family and other loved ones, but you are the only person in the world...universe that knows exactly how you are feeling.
But 'I can tell them' you say, 'and they can empathize with me' you say. Yes, yes, you can tell them and they can empathize or sympathize, but can you really describe with all the words in all the languages in the universe exactly how you are feeling? A word was invented to describe how someone was feeling at a particular moment. They explain it in a way, but not fully.
I will give you an example, say for example, you felt nervous. I could say 'yes you are nervous' I can empathise wuth nerves, or not. I don't really know what your version of nervousness is. What are the symptoms of nervousness? How many different people have described this word, or used it to describe themselves? Has everybody described exactly the same thing? For example, does everyone get "butterflies"? Are butterflies teh same for everyone? Don't people get butterflies when they are excited too? Many people get butterflies when they are around a loved one... if you ask me, I do not have a clue.
Have you thought about this? Only you can know how you are feeling. Nobody else ever feels things the same way as you do, and therefore you are alone.
It's nice to think that you are not, it gives you comfort, and if you prefer to think that you are not, then that's fine with me. You are always alone in your thoughts. You can be influenced by others, but you don't think the same. One idea can be interpreted and explored in many different ways.
You are alone, I am alone, everyone is. Don't depend on anyone, because they are unable to make you truly really happy. Only you can do such things for yourself.
By all means, build relationships, have someone around to "share your experiences" with... but remember, you are born alone, and you will die alone.
If you are wondering if there is therefore any point of existence, there isn't, so you may as well end it now!
(that last sentence should be taken in jest)
Now then, I have just been to see the amazingness... and whist chatting away to him we were talking about synchronicities and lots came up. I have indeed realised that, woah! here's one. I talked earlier about people being alone. I know it's not the first time I've said it, but I never read what I found earlier, just saw it and thought I'd type it up later. And here we are.
I am also aware that he has written about empathy and sympathy in the last few days which are also mentioned above. A few other things about this spring to mind, I expect he will notice...
p.s. amazingness... I hope you will not mind the links to your writings on this page :) x
30 January 2008
I do not wish to disturb
…Your life or anyone else’s. I do not willingly and knowingly take the piss. I’m a) not that witty, b) not quick-thinking enough, and c) not that kind of girl.
It seems odd to me. Lots of things are odd. I’ve decided that from Sunday (picked at random, but seems as good a day as any) I am going to keep a rather accurate record of my thoughts and feelings for a week. Just to see what comes up really. I’ve had many random thoughts and dreams recently, which I’ve simply ignored, and I know I really shouldn’t, because every single one of them is key, and can help me unravel the biggest secret I’ve kept all my life…myself.
I thought a short while ago, is anyone going to come up with the answers? People come up with answers all the time, but generally they are the answers to questions that have not yet been asked. Are these people on target, or are they thinking way to far ahead? Will they eventually burn themselves out too?
There are people that will be remembered for many moons to come for being ‘ahead of their time’. What does this term actually mean? In the grand scheme of things time does not actually exist, so they can’t possibly be ahead of it, or behind it. Are we traveling backwards or forwards? The amazingness asked this previously, and the more I think of it, the more I wonder. Moving backwards does not seem logically possible, but then really, what is logic anyway?
The term ‘older and wiser’ no longer means a great deal, I think the smartest of all people are those that have just entered the world. I mean for a short while they are the only ones that have not been spoon-fed junk & rubbish. I suppose you can grow old and wise, but only if…how did he put it? You unlearn everything the world has taught you. Just like he is doing now I suppose; re-training his brain - or reprogramming/upgrading his software (see Culture is your operating system).
Lets go with this…
Home is your hard-drive
Culture is your operating system
Your mind is your software (complete with bugs)
The body is a virus
Media is a Trojan
Consumer goods are worms
26 January 2008
My Own Mind is My Own Church
Good Old Mr TP (Thomas Paine) said that.
I mean there are so many people that believe in "god". Who knows really what god is. I don't. I mean I've likened the idea of god to a talking CCTV camera before now, but I have no evidence to suggest that that is what he/she/it/the thing is. I suppose I could go stand near one and make it talk, see what the voice behind the machine says. What do you need to do to make one talk? Can you stand near it and simply wave and say hello, and you'll get some man or lady speak to you saying, you've made my day, for that you're off to heaven. Probably not.
Ideally I'd like to think that there is something out there. I like the idea of the cosmos, or the driving force behind everything. Although then I sit and think to myself. Why does this driving force seem to bring destruction along with it.
Why did man get so clever. Or at least get to the point where they thought they were clever; actually it has to be said that we are now more stupid than we have ever been. Why did apes manage to evolve into humans. Why didn't any other animal evolve? Why wasn't another one given some sort of weird knowledge out of the blue? Who chose us? What chose us? Why were apes picked to evolve, why wasn't something else picked. I don't know, like giraffes.
Hahaha, I've just had some mental image of a giraffe in a suit going off to work. using the lift, smiling and winking at everyone it comes across. Giraffes have very pretty eyes. I think that's why I like them.
Anyway, surely something else would have done better things with the consciousness that we have.
Do dogs think?
I mean, when you think of it that way, it's hard to believe that there is any sort of god. With all the death and destruction on this planet, well why would something create that? Why would a great god want it's people to sacrifice themselves to it? I mean it happened in ancient times, and in an odd way it still happens now. There are wars started in the name of religion. Now people are killing and sacrificing people who have a different belief system. Why do that? Where does it get you? What does it solve?
My own mind is my own church. Thomas Paine has a point. You cannot be certain of anything in this life. You can't be certain that anything is real. Only think you can be certain of is what you are thinking, what you are experiencing. What drives you, and what makes you want to continue. It's all down to you at the end of the day. And therefore the only thing you can depend on is you. Therefore you are your own god, thus your mind is your church. If you look inside your mind it is your place or worship.
I don't really know what I am getting at anymore. There was a point to this. Or at least I think there was. or am I procrastinating again, to ease the workload. Not that it really eases, or is hard, or needs easing. It's just hard to stay focused on something I have to do, as apposed to something I want to do. Hummmmm.......nothing.
Oh, and another genius quote from Thomas Paine....
All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.
Was he right or wrong... you decide!!
I mean there are so many people that believe in "god". Who knows really what god is. I don't. I mean I've likened the idea of god to a talking CCTV camera before now, but I have no evidence to suggest that that is what he/she/it/the thing is. I suppose I could go stand near one and make it talk, see what the voice behind the machine says. What do you need to do to make one talk? Can you stand near it and simply wave and say hello, and you'll get some man or lady speak to you saying, you've made my day, for that you're off to heaven. Probably not.
Ideally I'd like to think that there is something out there. I like the idea of the cosmos, or the driving force behind everything. Although then I sit and think to myself. Why does this driving force seem to bring destruction along with it.
Why did man get so clever. Or at least get to the point where they thought they were clever; actually it has to be said that we are now more stupid than we have ever been. Why did apes manage to evolve into humans. Why didn't any other animal evolve? Why wasn't another one given some sort of weird knowledge out of the blue? Who chose us? What chose us? Why were apes picked to evolve, why wasn't something else picked. I don't know, like giraffes.
Hahaha, I've just had some mental image of a giraffe in a suit going off to work. using the lift, smiling and winking at everyone it comes across. Giraffes have very pretty eyes. I think that's why I like them.
Anyway, surely something else would have done better things with the consciousness that we have.
Do dogs think?
I mean, when you think of it that way, it's hard to believe that there is any sort of god. With all the death and destruction on this planet, well why would something create that? Why would a great god want it's people to sacrifice themselves to it? I mean it happened in ancient times, and in an odd way it still happens now. There are wars started in the name of religion. Now people are killing and sacrificing people who have a different belief system. Why do that? Where does it get you? What does it solve?
My own mind is my own church. Thomas Paine has a point. You cannot be certain of anything in this life. You can't be certain that anything is real. Only think you can be certain of is what you are thinking, what you are experiencing. What drives you, and what makes you want to continue. It's all down to you at the end of the day. And therefore the only thing you can depend on is you. Therefore you are your own god, thus your mind is your church. If you look inside your mind it is your place or worship.
I don't really know what I am getting at anymore. There was a point to this. Or at least I think there was. or am I procrastinating again, to ease the workload. Not that it really eases, or is hard, or needs easing. It's just hard to stay focused on something I have to do, as apposed to something I want to do. Hummmmm.......nothing.
Oh, and another genius quote from Thomas Paine....
All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.
Was he right or wrong... you decide!!
A series of quick & noisy odd farts
What on earth can this be about? While I am sat here waiting for my brother to sort himself out so I can go along the joyous A11 a little way to Elveden, I'm listening out to everything that's going on down stairs. In an odd way, it's cheering me up, even though I've spent the last 24 hours in a null place in my head.
I've thought for a moment, nobody ever stops.
There is a series of odd-sounding farts coming from downstairs. Not real farts, nope, just my dad doing some drilling while putting the skirting board back together. Mum is running around after Lola, and my brother is now shouting at me to get moving...
19:06 A trip out and a kebab later
What was I thinking. Oh yes, I was going to go onto the family unit. The family unit well it's not really a family unit at all. Well not in my house it isn't.
You get families who are really close and communicate with each other, families that don't ever really communicate with each other at all, and families who do nothing but drive each other nuts. I think mine is the one that don't communicate with each other. I'm not all that close to any of them, only my brother. With me & Ell it's always been us against the parents. While I am slowly building a relationship with the two oldies, their personalities are not personalities of people I'd choose to be friends with at any point.
I have a worry wart for a mother, and she does worry a lot. I'm sure that in her head she's about 80, the kind that's seen everything that can go wrong and believed it will again. She does nothing but worry worry worry. She nags a lot too, nag nag nag. I don't mind, I tolerate it, because I love her.
And my dad, well he can be a miserable sod at times, but then who can really blame him. Everything is down to him at the end of the day. Dad's are generally quite rubbish, and I was told this a while ago, and find myself reflecting on this quite a lot at the moment. I do feel for dads though. You see, many of the worlds dads are the provider for the family. With that comes high pressure jobs and this that and the other. I've come to the conclusion that my poor dad never really had much of a life. I mean he lost both his parents at a young age, got married and divorced, then got married to Mum, who worries and nags and because of this he's currently working from about 8 am to about 5 pm, and commuting to London every day of the week. he's up and out the house well before 6 in the morning, and gets home around 7ish in the evening, and is generally in bed about 10. Time spent at home is more often than not time spent doing decorating of some sort, and sleeping. It's hardly much fun, so I can't really blame him for being miserable.
And then we come onto my brother. He's now 15 and unfortunately when I realised on his birthday just how old he is, it came as a bit of a shock to me. Frankly to me he's still my little baby brother. But we used to get along great. Now I think he just sees me as a back-up taxi service when Mum and Dad fail to provide one. But he's a teenager. Of all the members of the family that I am eager to build a relationship with most he's definitely without a doubt top of my list. But in this day and age, to save his embarrassment I've taken to communicating with him in cyber land.
He's had his heart torn a little recently by a girl of all things, this saddens me somewhat. I don't think my parents even noticed that something had happened. So I said I'd like to be there for him, and if ever there was anything he needed he could turn to me. While he's a 15-year-old boy, and the last person he wants to speak to about girls is his sister, well I had to let him know that there was someone around that cared.
I think the next couple of years in Ells life are going to be pretty darn massive. He's got his GCSE's to do, then decide what to do after, all the while he's trying to make my parents proud, and that's a lot for one person to take on. But I've been there. I've been at school where he is now, with this awful pressure from the family to "just do your best" I've been kicked in the teeth by members of the opposite sex, stabbed in the back by "friends" and very alone.
I don't think that anyone deserves to be alone. Nobody. No matter what they have done. I expect some will disagree with me, there are some very nasty people on the planet, and they have done some very nasty things... but really they are crying out for someone.
Everybody wants something more than they have. And by that I don't mean the latest i-pod or a nice new cinema room. Or maybe I do. While someone has the latest gadget before their friends they suddenly get all this attention. The novelty eventually wears off, or their friends loose interest. But it's all for attention.
Everybody just wants a little love. Whichever type of love this may be. I think love has about 3 different levels. There's the love you have for a good friend, then there is the love you have for a lover, and then there is the love that's the unconditional kind which you half get from your parents.
I say you half get from your parents because at a certain age, usually about 8 or 9 when you start to develop your own mind and stuff they sort of loose interest in a way. This I think is because while they have control over you, you are exactly who they want you to be, and when you are not, you become a hindrance.
Trouble is that by time you can develop your own self, they have got under your skin enough to make you or break you. The only time you are a blank piece of paper is when you are still in your mothers womb. As soon as you pop out you are subjected to all sorts of things. jabs and injections, being pulled about and prodded. Granted you get cleaned and entertained, but entertained in a weird way. your parents choose your toys. If they don't like the idea of a certain type of toy then you wont play with it. You will play with it how you are taught. And a child starts off it's life by mimicking everything that it's parents do, or that it sees on the TV. And when you are a child you don't see TV the same way as your parents do, but you do remember it. After all, most people know of that classic episode of rainbow about playing with twangers and sharing balls. For anyone that doesn't here it is...
You see, you can never develop your own mind, and think the way you want to think because from day dot you are influenced by all the people around you.
Is it unprofessional to walk through down drinking cup of tea. A cup of tea from an actual cup. I myself think it's no different that walking around town with a take-away cuppa from a take-away cuppa shop, but this once almost lost me a job. I'd just made the damn thing and was told to go to the bank. I wanted to drink my tea, so did both lots in one go. Simple. It's only unprofessional because it's a little out of the ordinary.
Back when I was a quirky character I did things that nobody else would dare. I'd dance stupidly in the shops, and I'd shout and be loud and noisy and embarrass the brains out of my friends, and I didn't care, in fact, I had fun going against the grain.
I've not done it for a while. In fact I think next time I'm out and about I may well give it a try and see what happens...
Watch this space .......................
I've thought for a moment, nobody ever stops.
There is a series of odd-sounding farts coming from downstairs. Not real farts, nope, just my dad doing some drilling while putting the skirting board back together. Mum is running around after Lola, and my brother is now shouting at me to get moving...
19:06 A trip out and a kebab later
What was I thinking. Oh yes, I was going to go onto the family unit. The family unit well it's not really a family unit at all. Well not in my house it isn't.
You get families who are really close and communicate with each other, families that don't ever really communicate with each other at all, and families who do nothing but drive each other nuts. I think mine is the one that don't communicate with each other. I'm not all that close to any of them, only my brother. With me & Ell it's always been us against the parents. While I am slowly building a relationship with the two oldies, their personalities are not personalities of people I'd choose to be friends with at any point.
I have a worry wart for a mother, and she does worry a lot. I'm sure that in her head she's about 80, the kind that's seen everything that can go wrong and believed it will again. She does nothing but worry worry worry. She nags a lot too, nag nag nag. I don't mind, I tolerate it, because I love her.
And my dad, well he can be a miserable sod at times, but then who can really blame him. Everything is down to him at the end of the day. Dad's are generally quite rubbish, and I was told this a while ago, and find myself reflecting on this quite a lot at the moment. I do feel for dads though. You see, many of the worlds dads are the provider for the family. With that comes high pressure jobs and this that and the other. I've come to the conclusion that my poor dad never really had much of a life. I mean he lost both his parents at a young age, got married and divorced, then got married to Mum, who worries and nags and because of this he's currently working from about 8 am to about 5 pm, and commuting to London every day of the week. he's up and out the house well before 6 in the morning, and gets home around 7ish in the evening, and is generally in bed about 10. Time spent at home is more often than not time spent doing decorating of some sort, and sleeping. It's hardly much fun, so I can't really blame him for being miserable.
And then we come onto my brother. He's now 15 and unfortunately when I realised on his birthday just how old he is, it came as a bit of a shock to me. Frankly to me he's still my little baby brother. But we used to get along great. Now I think he just sees me as a back-up taxi service when Mum and Dad fail to provide one. But he's a teenager. Of all the members of the family that I am eager to build a relationship with most he's definitely without a doubt top of my list. But in this day and age, to save his embarrassment I've taken to communicating with him in cyber land.
He's had his heart torn a little recently by a girl of all things, this saddens me somewhat. I don't think my parents even noticed that something had happened. So I said I'd like to be there for him, and if ever there was anything he needed he could turn to me. While he's a 15-year-old boy, and the last person he wants to speak to about girls is his sister, well I had to let him know that there was someone around that cared.
I think the next couple of years in Ells life are going to be pretty darn massive. He's got his GCSE's to do, then decide what to do after, all the while he's trying to make my parents proud, and that's a lot for one person to take on. But I've been there. I've been at school where he is now, with this awful pressure from the family to "just do your best" I've been kicked in the teeth by members of the opposite sex, stabbed in the back by "friends" and very alone.
I don't think that anyone deserves to be alone. Nobody. No matter what they have done. I expect some will disagree with me, there are some very nasty people on the planet, and they have done some very nasty things... but really they are crying out for someone.
Everybody wants something more than they have. And by that I don't mean the latest i-pod or a nice new cinema room. Or maybe I do. While someone has the latest gadget before their friends they suddenly get all this attention. The novelty eventually wears off, or their friends loose interest. But it's all for attention.
Everybody just wants a little love. Whichever type of love this may be. I think love has about 3 different levels. There's the love you have for a good friend, then there is the love you have for a lover, and then there is the love that's the unconditional kind which you half get from your parents.
I say you half get from your parents because at a certain age, usually about 8 or 9 when you start to develop your own mind and stuff they sort of loose interest in a way. This I think is because while they have control over you, you are exactly who they want you to be, and when you are not, you become a hindrance.
Trouble is that by time you can develop your own self, they have got under your skin enough to make you or break you. The only time you are a blank piece of paper is when you are still in your mothers womb. As soon as you pop out you are subjected to all sorts of things. jabs and injections, being pulled about and prodded. Granted you get cleaned and entertained, but entertained in a weird way. your parents choose your toys. If they don't like the idea of a certain type of toy then you wont play with it. You will play with it how you are taught. And a child starts off it's life by mimicking everything that it's parents do, or that it sees on the TV. And when you are a child you don't see TV the same way as your parents do, but you do remember it. After all, most people know of that classic episode of rainbow about playing with twangers and sharing balls. For anyone that doesn't here it is...
You see, you can never develop your own mind, and think the way you want to think because from day dot you are influenced by all the people around you.
Is it unprofessional to walk through down drinking cup of tea. A cup of tea from an actual cup. I myself think it's no different that walking around town with a take-away cuppa from a take-away cuppa shop, but this once almost lost me a job. I'd just made the damn thing and was told to go to the bank. I wanted to drink my tea, so did both lots in one go. Simple. It's only unprofessional because it's a little out of the ordinary.
Back when I was a quirky character I did things that nobody else would dare. I'd dance stupidly in the shops, and I'd shout and be loud and noisy and embarrass the brains out of my friends, and I didn't care, in fact, I had fun going against the grain.
I've not done it for a while. In fact I think next time I'm out and about I may well give it a try and see what happens...
Watch this space .......................
Burried Alive - stuck in the mud
Creativity isn't one of my strong points. I do have an imagination, but when it comes to explaining what I see when I am totally relaxed, well that's when it disperses.
I see things when my eyes are closed. Things that I only close my eyes to see I am sure. Largely, like a complete numpty I ignore the fact that I am gifted in a very weird way. I don't fit.
This is the thing. I am here, and I am me, and I am stuck. I am stuck because I know there is more to things that what we just just see and here. The amazingness is a prime example of this. There is so much more to him that what anyone realizes, even me. And why do I call him the amazingness? Because he understands. He understand what it is to go inside and find out what a persons own demons are. He has insight into so many things, so many wonders, and do you know why. It's because unlike me and the vast majority of people, he follows his heart, he believes in himself and his thoughts, and doesn't let much knock him back. I listen to him, and it's so refreshing. I think he truly is one in a million, and this is probably why I think of little other than him. I don't even know how to describe what he can feel and think and do. If I could, i think the only person that would truly understand it would be... well him.
Thank you to the person who sent me a text and said 'don't get too attached to "the amazingness" because there are plenty of other guys that would get attached to you for a lot less'. While this is probably true, there are not many people that I would even want to get myself attached to.
I don't fit in. I've mentioned before I think that I am an observer. I am leading a double life, and at the moment, it's probably killing me on the inside. Torn between the head and the heart, I am burying myself alive. Mostly because I am so unsure of what I am thinking at any moment in time.
I've looked inside myself so many times, and yet I find nothing, I do find something, I find the cause of my problems, I've been helped so much to find it, but the trouble comes when I try to grab it and get it out. like my imagination when I try to share it, it just disperses. It moves, and it hides itself somewhere else, like a child playing hide & seek.
It is a game of hide & seek, my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all there, I just can't pin them down long enough to listen to them.
Today I have tried to do something that I've not done in an absolute age. I've to tried to simply lay down, relax and clear my head. Truth is, I've been so restless and rattled that I've not been able to do it.
I wrote loads earlier, I don't know what about, I simply got in a semi strop and scribbled all over it... It's no longer readable.
I am a soft touch. I know not what I do, where I go, what I am, who I am... I hate who I have become, for I don't know what it is.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more like the amazingness... in the sense that I could understand the stuff that isn't really comprehendable to most. I have my days, but my understanding, accepting and knowledge is inconsistent. 3 steps forward.....some days, and always 2 steps back.....every day.
I see things when my eyes are closed. Things that I only close my eyes to see I am sure. Largely, like a complete numpty I ignore the fact that I am gifted in a very weird way. I don't fit.
This is the thing. I am here, and I am me, and I am stuck. I am stuck because I know there is more to things that what we just just see and here. The amazingness is a prime example of this. There is so much more to him that what anyone realizes, even me. And why do I call him the amazingness? Because he understands. He understand what it is to go inside and find out what a persons own demons are. He has insight into so many things, so many wonders, and do you know why. It's because unlike me and the vast majority of people, he follows his heart, he believes in himself and his thoughts, and doesn't let much knock him back. I listen to him, and it's so refreshing. I think he truly is one in a million, and this is probably why I think of little other than him. I don't even know how to describe what he can feel and think and do. If I could, i think the only person that would truly understand it would be... well him.
Thank you to the person who sent me a text and said 'don't get too attached to "the amazingness" because there are plenty of other guys that would get attached to you for a lot less'. While this is probably true, there are not many people that I would even want to get myself attached to.
I don't fit in. I've mentioned before I think that I am an observer. I am leading a double life, and at the moment, it's probably killing me on the inside. Torn between the head and the heart, I am burying myself alive. Mostly because I am so unsure of what I am thinking at any moment in time.
I've looked inside myself so many times, and yet I find nothing, I do find something, I find the cause of my problems, I've been helped so much to find it, but the trouble comes when I try to grab it and get it out. like my imagination when I try to share it, it just disperses. It moves, and it hides itself somewhere else, like a child playing hide & seek.
It is a game of hide & seek, my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all there, I just can't pin them down long enough to listen to them.
Today I have tried to do something that I've not done in an absolute age. I've to tried to simply lay down, relax and clear my head. Truth is, I've been so restless and rattled that I've not been able to do it.
I wrote loads earlier, I don't know what about, I simply got in a semi strop and scribbled all over it... It's no longer readable.
I am a soft touch. I know not what I do, where I go, what I am, who I am... I hate who I have become, for I don't know what it is.
I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more like the amazingness... in the sense that I could understand the stuff that isn't really comprehendable to most. I have my days, but my understanding, accepting and knowledge is inconsistent. 3 steps forward.....some days, and always 2 steps back.....every day.
25 January 2008
24 January 2008
Deforestation
It saddens me that we as a race are single-handedly destroying the planet. What doesn't sadden me is the fact that actually we are destroying ourselves. The planet we walk upon and the air we breathe will in fact never die, thank heavens. Only those that deserve it will - HA!
No, really they will. Who deserves it more than a cows backside?! HUMANS!!
YOu see I am a tad irritated. I went for a walk in the Thetford foresty area with my mum, and my little Lola earlier today, and as we were walking my mum pointed out that some trees had been cut down... This sent me on a little bit of a rant about deforestation, and how disgusted I am with humanity.
Stop messing with nature please. And yes, I am very aware that in some ways I am in fact a hypocrite, but then so are you. We're all human after-all, and that is a major major vice.
So, here we are, poisoning the air with all this CO2 because we've got too lazy to get off our backsides and do anything that involves the slightest amount of effort. You walk into a factory, years ago people would be doing stuff, now they oversee a machine do it. People don't walk, not even to the shop around the corner, they take their car, people don't recycle, because it's far easier to throw everything away like a piece of rubbish.
I know in this area they are trying to turn some parts of the forest into breckland again, to encourage certain animals and habitats to come back, which in a sense makes me laugh....Thetford forest is man-made. It was created by man, and is now being destroyed by man. It makes no sense.
Anyway, where was I? Yes, man, lazy, grrr. But the thing is, we use all this grand technology (I am still waiting for the lot to go wrong) all of which generates all this carbon dioxide stuff. In rainforest's and such the like, trees and plants have benefited from this. They have all grown quicker and bigger and better since the rise of this gas in the air, we breathe oxygen, they breathe carbon dioxide. I am sure that if it was the other way around we'd grow quicker and stronger, but something tells me, you wouldn't see trees coming along and chopping us at the legs.
It's like trees were put on the planet for this very reason. But we don't notice, we don't listen.
How many people really really appreciate the beauty of the rainforest. I've not yet seen it first-hand. Only on the telly and in pictures, and that doesn't even come close to showing it's beauty, it wonderfulness. And I think you have to be a certain type of person to go and see this place. For some people will just look and say, it's a bunch of trees and nature, it's not just a bunch of trees and nature. It's beautiful. I think of every tree in that place as a person, each one is a living thing. And being the fuck-heads that we are, we chop down millions of them. It's not only the trees that get destroyed though is it... there are some of the most fascinating animals living in such a place, and they all get killed too.
I don't know much, but I do know this, I do know that when we die out our hideous mark will still be left behind. Unfortunately, I cannot think of any way to save the beauty. I cannot think of a way to get rid of the awful things we as a race have done over the years.
I WANT OUT
No, really they will. Who deserves it more than a cows backside?! HUMANS!!
YOu see I am a tad irritated. I went for a walk in the Thetford foresty area with my mum, and my little Lola earlier today, and as we were walking my mum pointed out that some trees had been cut down... This sent me on a little bit of a rant about deforestation, and how disgusted I am with humanity.
Stop messing with nature please. And yes, I am very aware that in some ways I am in fact a hypocrite, but then so are you. We're all human after-all, and that is a major major vice.
So, here we are, poisoning the air with all this CO2 because we've got too lazy to get off our backsides and do anything that involves the slightest amount of effort. You walk into a factory, years ago people would be doing stuff, now they oversee a machine do it. People don't walk, not even to the shop around the corner, they take their car, people don't recycle, because it's far easier to throw everything away like a piece of rubbish.
I know in this area they are trying to turn some parts of the forest into breckland again, to encourage certain animals and habitats to come back, which in a sense makes me laugh....Thetford forest is man-made. It was created by man, and is now being destroyed by man. It makes no sense.
Anyway, where was I? Yes, man, lazy, grrr. But the thing is, we use all this grand technology (I am still waiting for the lot to go wrong) all of which generates all this carbon dioxide stuff. In rainforest's and such the like, trees and plants have benefited from this. They have all grown quicker and bigger and better since the rise of this gas in the air, we breathe oxygen, they breathe carbon dioxide. I am sure that if it was the other way around we'd grow quicker and stronger, but something tells me, you wouldn't see trees coming along and chopping us at the legs.
It's like trees were put on the planet for this very reason. But we don't notice, we don't listen.
How many people really really appreciate the beauty of the rainforest. I've not yet seen it first-hand. Only on the telly and in pictures, and that doesn't even come close to showing it's beauty, it wonderfulness. And I think you have to be a certain type of person to go and see this place. For some people will just look and say, it's a bunch of trees and nature, it's not just a bunch of trees and nature. It's beautiful. I think of every tree in that place as a person, each one is a living thing. And being the fuck-heads that we are, we chop down millions of them. It's not only the trees that get destroyed though is it... there are some of the most fascinating animals living in such a place, and they all get killed too.
I don't know much, but I do know this, I do know that when we die out our hideous mark will still be left behind. Unfortunately, I cannot think of any way to save the beauty. I cannot think of a way to get rid of the awful things we as a race have done over the years.
I WANT OUT
21 January 2008
Realisations
I've just realised something. I have been communicating with Lucy via notes pased around a room, going back to my roots. Good old-fashioned pen and paper. I'd talk, but we are in a lesson, and I don't like to be disruptive (much). I asked about her holiday. She took her boyfreind of what seems to me like a million lifetimes long on a nice romantic break for his birthday. They went to yorkshire somewhere and it sounds very nice.
Anyway, I read it, and suddenly felt a longing to be in a relationship. An actual relationship that's real and good and nice, and loving and stuff. I've thought about it for the past year, since the amazingness came to be, but that just hit home I think. I said once about writing a story and making it a good one. Well I'd better write it damn quick.
I've started a note writing revolution. Yeah baby.
Anyway, yesturday I was going along the lines of everyone is alone. Everyone, even if they experience the same thing. experiences are personal, and individual, and everyone received them differently. Only they know what the experience is, but it's nice to have someone. Okay, so I do have someone, the amazingness, and I am in a relationship of a sort, a funny relationship as my mum says. While he is brilliant and amazing and every other word under the sun that... and I know, I know I say to myself that I'd rather have his as afriend for life than anything more and something to go wrong and loose him... there, there, there it is, that bit of nagativity, that I've disguised, and kept hidden from me for ages. I am happy how things are, I've never have a friend like it, but I do want more. But then that's just me being selfish isn't it.
A note to you amazingness: I only want as much as you want. That's good enough for me any day, okay.
Relationships, to me are quite scary. I've never really had a real one. And any that I have had have only lasted a couple of months tops. In fact, the only realish one that I had was a couple of months filled with absolute rubbish. I know what my problem is. I hurt the whole way through, but as normal I was nice little sweet little Ashley, and tried to be supportive and understanding, and thinking that he could be trusted, and would never do anything in the world to hurt me, and he infact did. And I never told him how I felt about the whole situation, I just tried to be there, and support him, thinking all the time that this was eating him up. It may have been, I do not kow whether I got anything truthful or if the whole thing was lies. She was so convincing, but I had no reason to believe this maniac woman who appeared to make my life hell.
Sometimes I think this is history repeating itself. I did everything that I could for him, i tried to help all the time, but forgot to take into conscideration how I felt about things. How did I feel about things? I don't even rememeber. Chantal was just a complete nightmare, and collectively they hurt me a lot. I forgave and forgot when I go the "whole" story, because that's what I do.
But it's funny isn't it, the brain doesn't forget, it just reacts to similar things in the very same way, and yes it's doing it again.
And so I've stored the emotion and fear and whatever else long enough. I can see it now, I've just got to get my mitts on it and remove it.
Really I just want to love someone and give them every little part of me... I wont get hurt like I did before, it's just imaginary after all. And if that is imaginary, then surely I can imagine that I am in a relationship, and I love someone and they love me, and everythng is hunkydory.
I don't need one, and not having one is far less hasstle, that's a guess, since I don't really have a frame of reference... but... I'd like one!!!
Anyway, I read it, and suddenly felt a longing to be in a relationship. An actual relationship that's real and good and nice, and loving and stuff. I've thought about it for the past year, since the amazingness came to be, but that just hit home I think. I said once about writing a story and making it a good one. Well I'd better write it damn quick.
I've started a note writing revolution. Yeah baby.
Anyway, yesturday I was going along the lines of everyone is alone. Everyone, even if they experience the same thing. experiences are personal, and individual, and everyone received them differently. Only they know what the experience is, but it's nice to have someone. Okay, so I do have someone, the amazingness, and I am in a relationship of a sort, a funny relationship as my mum says. While he is brilliant and amazing and every other word under the sun that... and I know, I know I say to myself that I'd rather have his as afriend for life than anything more and something to go wrong and loose him... there, there, there it is, that bit of nagativity, that I've disguised, and kept hidden from me for ages. I am happy how things are, I've never have a friend like it, but I do want more. But then that's just me being selfish isn't it.
A note to you amazingness: I only want as much as you want. That's good enough for me any day, okay.
Relationships, to me are quite scary. I've never really had a real one. And any that I have had have only lasted a couple of months tops. In fact, the only realish one that I had was a couple of months filled with absolute rubbish. I know what my problem is. I hurt the whole way through, but as normal I was nice little sweet little Ashley, and tried to be supportive and understanding, and thinking that he could be trusted, and would never do anything in the world to hurt me, and he infact did. And I never told him how I felt about the whole situation, I just tried to be there, and support him, thinking all the time that this was eating him up. It may have been, I do not kow whether I got anything truthful or if the whole thing was lies. She was so convincing, but I had no reason to believe this maniac woman who appeared to make my life hell.
Sometimes I think this is history repeating itself. I did everything that I could for him, i tried to help all the time, but forgot to take into conscideration how I felt about things. How did I feel about things? I don't even rememeber. Chantal was just a complete nightmare, and collectively they hurt me a lot. I forgave and forgot when I go the "whole" story, because that's what I do.
But it's funny isn't it, the brain doesn't forget, it just reacts to similar things in the very same way, and yes it's doing it again.
And so I've stored the emotion and fear and whatever else long enough. I can see it now, I've just got to get my mitts on it and remove it.
Really I just want to love someone and give them every little part of me... I wont get hurt like I did before, it's just imaginary after all. And if that is imaginary, then surely I can imagine that I am in a relationship, and I love someone and they love me, and everythng is hunkydory.
I don't need one, and not having one is far less hasstle, that's a guess, since I don't really have a frame of reference... but... I'd like one!!!
If Technology Can Let You Down
Then rest assured it will.
Technology is one of man's vices. The depedence upon it grows day by day.
I've heard the term "if technology can let you down, it will" many times... it's funny really, or at least I thought it was...
It has to be said that my favorite lesson at uni is Phillosophy of Education (minus the education part anyway) and I have spent days and weeks preparing for a presentation on Thomas Paine, the genius of a man (of a sort) from my little town, Thetford. We've done a few trips between Leicester and Thetford to film our presentation on Paine, I've spent the past week putting everything everything together, and on the big day...you've got it
TECHNOLOGY LET US DOWN!!
While I found it rather amusing, and find the fact that my laptop has almost surely given up quite funny, but the girls did have a minor panic attack.
It's not the first time my laptop has let me down. In fact it's quite a regular occurance.
I just find it really odd. The moment that smething technological fails... everything stops.
Why rely on something that we invented. We invented it, we have a million plus faults, so everything that comes from us is goign to fail too. And when it hapens we are suprised by this....?
I even find the fact that I am running on less than 2 hours sleep and pro-plus quite amusing. since 4am I've had 6, and I'm buzzing like a bee. I shall add to it soon and probably give myself a heart attack, but at least for now I am awake. Strangely, although I am struggling to resist the temptation to to run around the room, do a little jig and start singing, I am incredibly focused on this.
I am ina class watching a video and praying and hoping that it goes kaput too. It would amuse me no end. Also, I have an IT lesson this afternoon, and everything to fail there, that would just make my day. No wait... going to work this evenig and the whole kit & kaboodle breaks... fantastico.
Oh and I do hope and pray that'll teach everyone.
A global powercut perhaps.
I seem to be looking to everything to break today. A bit of a disaster, that would be good. Haha, I sound like somebody I know... Have I spent too much time with the amazingness? Well if I have it can only be a good thing.
I have come to the conclusion that while the amazingness influences everything he comes into contact with, I observe. I see his world, though I don;t understand it, and I observe the normal world, which I live in, but doesn't really make much sense to me anymore.
Why do I do what I do and how do I live like I live? Why everyone does... it's all we've ever known, but then...
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not all we've ever known. It's all been made up. It's come out of power and fear and control and repression.
I can't tell the difference between red & yellow.
12:17 in lesson, the power just appeared to go off on the projector... it came on again though, but i got what I wanted in a way.
14:06 are we having technical hiccups... a technician came in... he moaned at us for having drinks and food, in case we spill on the keyboards....how old does he think we are? But anyhoo, nothing was on the magic whiteboard, and he's been a gone and now there is a nice powerpoint presentation on there. Hey-Ho here we go!
14:15 technology fails again - haha
14:19 Donk!! mgic board does not agree with Heather
14:24 It's come to light that I've been predicting the future. The girls, Katie & Abby have said to Heather about three times now "technology is failing you today." I asked if they'd read the blog I'd posted (this one) the answer.......NOPE!!
15:02 In walks another technician
Technology is one of man's vices. The depedence upon it grows day by day.
I've heard the term "if technology can let you down, it will" many times... it's funny really, or at least I thought it was...
It has to be said that my favorite lesson at uni is Phillosophy of Education (minus the education part anyway) and I have spent days and weeks preparing for a presentation on Thomas Paine, the genius of a man (of a sort) from my little town, Thetford. We've done a few trips between Leicester and Thetford to film our presentation on Paine, I've spent the past week putting everything everything together, and on the big day...you've got it
TECHNOLOGY LET US DOWN!!
While I found it rather amusing, and find the fact that my laptop has almost surely given up quite funny, but the girls did have a minor panic attack.
It's not the first time my laptop has let me down. In fact it's quite a regular occurance.
I just find it really odd. The moment that smething technological fails... everything stops.
Why rely on something that we invented. We invented it, we have a million plus faults, so everything that comes from us is goign to fail too. And when it hapens we are suprised by this....?
I even find the fact that I am running on less than 2 hours sleep and pro-plus quite amusing. since 4am I've had 6, and I'm buzzing like a bee. I shall add to it soon and probably give myself a heart attack, but at least for now I am awake. Strangely, although I am struggling to resist the temptation to to run around the room, do a little jig and start singing, I am incredibly focused on this.
I am ina class watching a video and praying and hoping that it goes kaput too. It would amuse me no end. Also, I have an IT lesson this afternoon, and everything to fail there, that would just make my day. No wait... going to work this evenig and the whole kit & kaboodle breaks... fantastico.
Oh and I do hope and pray that'll teach everyone.
A global powercut perhaps.
I seem to be looking to everything to break today. A bit of a disaster, that would be good. Haha, I sound like somebody I know... Have I spent too much time with the amazingness? Well if I have it can only be a good thing.
I have come to the conclusion that while the amazingness influences everything he comes into contact with, I observe. I see his world, though I don;t understand it, and I observe the normal world, which I live in, but doesn't really make much sense to me anymore.
Why do I do what I do and how do I live like I live? Why everyone does... it's all we've ever known, but then...
No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not all we've ever known. It's all been made up. It's come out of power and fear and control and repression.
I can't tell the difference between red & yellow.
12:17 in lesson, the power just appeared to go off on the projector... it came on again though, but i got what I wanted in a way.
14:06 are we having technical hiccups... a technician came in... he moaned at us for having drinks and food, in case we spill on the keyboards....how old does he think we are? But anyhoo, nothing was on the magic whiteboard, and he's been a gone and now there is a nice powerpoint presentation on there. Hey-Ho here we go!
14:15 technology fails again - haha
14:19 Donk!! mgic board does not agree with Heather
14:24 It's come to light that I've been predicting the future. The girls, Katie & Abby have said to Heather about three times now "technology is failing you today." I asked if they'd read the blog I'd posted (this one) the answer.......NOPE!!
15:02 In walks another technician
Left Wanting More
There's an issue that I've had for years, since the thing that the issue is regarding came into my life and I was aware of it. Friends seemed to talk about it a lot, but oddly I didn't. It's always been something that's a bit of a taboo subject for me. Something I've mostly avoided like the plague, and never really been bothered by... but i have a feeling that for the first time ever it's got under my skin. I do not wish to say what the issue is. A select few people that know me will know what it is without me saying.
And why has it just started to bother me. It's something that was said about it today. A particular word was used to describe it, and suddenly, although it now might never happen, at least not for a while, which strangely bothers me, it seems a bit more appealing. It's just a word, but it made me think of something in a whole new light. Tonight it seems to be keeping me awake, it's bugging me no end, and I don't really understand why or how when it hasn't before. Has one word unlocked something?
It's amazing what one word can do. One little word can make a big big difference to something... anything. I do agree that choosing your words carefully is a good option. Although I think there are some key words that can be used to make things that are "good and nice" better and fandabbydosy.
It's just funny. I am left wanting more of something I've not really wanted much before.
And why has it just started to bother me. It's something that was said about it today. A particular word was used to describe it, and suddenly, although it now might never happen, at least not for a while, which strangely bothers me, it seems a bit more appealing. It's just a word, but it made me think of something in a whole new light. Tonight it seems to be keeping me awake, it's bugging me no end, and I don't really understand why or how when it hasn't before. Has one word unlocked something?
It's amazing what one word can do. One little word can make a big big difference to something... anything. I do agree that choosing your words carefully is a good option. Although I think there are some key words that can be used to make things that are "good and nice" better and fandabbydosy.
It's just funny. I am left wanting more of something I've not really wanted much before.
17 January 2008
16 January 2008
Memories
Ok, so life is constructed by a series of memories and experiences. If memories come from experiences and experiences are memories, then what is life?
A colleague of mine at work replied:
Life is beautiful. Your quite right memories and experiences fill our lives, but they are our choice as to what we want these memories to be. Everyday is an opportunity to see new things, breathe fresh air, smell, taste, and feel, whatever we want. Without memories and experiences we would just exist, but without life we wouldn’t.
I do believe that she has a point. But I am still a figment of my imagination. So is everything, and when she asked why all the bad stuff happens, I replied, “It’s the collective imagination of everyone else that doesn’t really exist.”
A bit heavy?
A colleague of mine at work replied:
Life is beautiful. Your quite right memories and experiences fill our lives, but they are our choice as to what we want these memories to be. Everyday is an opportunity to see new things, breathe fresh air, smell, taste, and feel, whatever we want. Without memories and experiences we would just exist, but without life we wouldn’t.
I do believe that she has a point. But I am still a figment of my imagination. So is everything, and when she asked why all the bad stuff happens, I replied, “It’s the collective imagination of everyone else that doesn’t really exist.”
A bit heavy?
When you wish upon a star
A year ago today I had my first experience of all these seemingly odd things. These off things that have kind of changed everything. Everything about who and what I am. I am a tad confused because I am still me, and while I know that there is somethign bog going on, I seem to have a problem accepting it and understand it, and vice-versa. I still do now after a year, but hey-ho.
When you wish upon a star; a song from a Disney film. I do believe it was Pinocchio. I do believe that Pinocchio's creator wanted a real boy and had wished upon a star that his puppet would become real. The wish came true. At first Pinocchio was a very sweet alive pretend real puppet. He entertained people with his sense of humor, and then suddenly he got in with the wrong crowd and became corrupt.
As a result of this he suffered a fair amount, and his creator did too. Eventually Pinocchio sorted himself out and did indeed become a real boy.
I think I have been wondering recently what is real, and what isn't. Real is what you want it to be. truth and knowledge grow inside of you, and the only thing that is truthful, and the only thing that is real is the thing that lives and grows inside of you.
Some people will never discover it, because they don't look, and are too scared to find out. What is knowlege and what is truth. What is real?! Knowledge and truth are only real if they come from inside of you. I think I have said this before somewhere a while ago, and have definitely heard it recently from the amazingness.
So when you wish upon a star, you are given some sort of hope, you have more chance of it coming true if you believe in it. I do and have many times over the years. gazed at starts and had thoughts and dreams, and while some of them haven't happened (yet) others have.
I know what I want, I know how to go about getting what I want, I just have to believe in myself as much as I believe in the stars.
I have much more to add to this blog, much much more, I shall add to it in a cupla days!!
When you wish upon a star; a song from a Disney film. I do believe it was Pinocchio. I do believe that Pinocchio's creator wanted a real boy and had wished upon a star that his puppet would become real. The wish came true. At first Pinocchio was a very sweet alive pretend real puppet. He entertained people with his sense of humor, and then suddenly he got in with the wrong crowd and became corrupt.
As a result of this he suffered a fair amount, and his creator did too. Eventually Pinocchio sorted himself out and did indeed become a real boy.
I think I have been wondering recently what is real, and what isn't. Real is what you want it to be. truth and knowledge grow inside of you, and the only thing that is truthful, and the only thing that is real is the thing that lives and grows inside of you.
Some people will never discover it, because they don't look, and are too scared to find out. What is knowlege and what is truth. What is real?! Knowledge and truth are only real if they come from inside of you. I think I have said this before somewhere a while ago, and have definitely heard it recently from the amazingness.
So when you wish upon a star, you are given some sort of hope, you have more chance of it coming true if you believe in it. I do and have many times over the years. gazed at starts and had thoughts and dreams, and while some of them haven't happened (yet) others have.
I know what I want, I know how to go about getting what I want, I just have to believe in myself as much as I believe in the stars.
I have much more to add to this blog, much much more, I shall add to it in a cupla days!!
No Purpose, no point?
If you have no purpose in life…well is there actually a point to being here?
Switch off and on your imagination and create a life with a new exciting purpose…if that takes too much effort, make it up and see what becomes of it.
Switch off and on your imagination and create a life with a new exciting purpose…if that takes too much effort, make it up and see what becomes of it.
Something is what you’ve got when you have nothing
Huh? Surely that doesn’t work? I do believe that actually, even if we don’t want to believe that, then it is still true.
I have things and stuff. Things and stuff that make me feel good about myself. On the outside maybe, but not on the inside. Well I suppose that would depend on how far inside one has looked doesn’t it.
In fact, inside your head it’s pitch black, so it’s quite hard to see, and it’s not quite as simple as switching on a light.
Just think, does whatever it is that you have, and feel so good about having give your life meaning? I bet it doesn’t.
It doesn’t take anything other than yourself to make you happy.
I have things and stuff. Things and stuff that make me feel good about myself. On the outside maybe, but not on the inside. Well I suppose that would depend on how far inside one has looked doesn’t it.
In fact, inside your head it’s pitch black, so it’s quite hard to see, and it’s not quite as simple as switching on a light.
Just think, does whatever it is that you have, and feel so good about having give your life meaning? I bet it doesn’t.
It doesn’t take anything other than yourself to make you happy.
Your Legend Will Reign On
I believe that every man and woman that’s ever lived is a legend.
Every person has touched the heart of another in some way or another, and will be remembered by that person. A heat touched is a heart inspired, and without realising it the inspiration they receive from one, will be passed onto another and so on and so forth. Therefore, everyone that ever lived is as alive today as there were then, and will be just as alive in a million years as they are now.
Every person has touched the heart of another in some way or another, and will be remembered by that person. A heat touched is a heart inspired, and without realising it the inspiration they receive from one, will be passed onto another and so on and so forth. Therefore, everyone that ever lived is as alive today as there were then, and will be just as alive in a million years as they are now.
And so to bed
Not just because it’s almost 2am, but because the world of thought is at it’s best when I am about to fall off to sleep, more things become probable.
Last night as I fell asleep I thought more about the fact that I could be a figment of my imagination, as could everyone else. If I am a figment of my imagination, and everything else is too, then what an odd world it is that I’ve created for myself.
So in effect if anyone else ever reads this, are they really reading it at all, or have I merely created that? Have they created this? If I ever get anything back from it….have I made it up?
What a mind boggling concept…or is it? Is this thought that I’m having my imagination? If so, what does it mean? I think it’s a bit on the groovy side personally.
Is it possible to actually switch it all off?
Last night as I fell asleep I thought more about the fact that I could be a figment of my imagination, as could everyone else. If I am a figment of my imagination, and everything else is too, then what an odd world it is that I’ve created for myself.
So in effect if anyone else ever reads this, are they really reading it at all, or have I merely created that? Have they created this? If I ever get anything back from it….have I made it up?
What a mind boggling concept…or is it? Is this thought that I’m having my imagination? If so, what does it mean? I think it’s a bit on the groovy side personally.
Is it possible to actually switch it all off?
15 January 2008
God is a CCTV Camera
While discussing knowledge and truths today at university, we did a rather intriguing task. We were given a list of 10 things that “we know” and were told to put them in order of things we know most to things we know least.
Top of everyone’s list, aside from mine (and the group that I managed to convince) was I know that I am real. I put this almost halfway down. I do not know that I am real, I could be a figment of my own imagination. I questioned everything. I even questioned the fact that the table I was making use of had 4 legs, because who was decided that four was four.
How do we know the Earth is round? Because nobody has fallen off the edge? Because we’ve seen pictures? Because people we “trust” have told us so? I guess that would be my guess, or one of those answers would be yours? Well, it’s not. It’s got caves and mountains, and hills and valleys, bits that float, bits that don’t, it’s not really round at all. I have seen pictures of where the land supposedly connects under the sea…if there was no sea, then what would it look like? Well it wouldn’t be round at all would it!
Anyway, another piece of paper said I know that God Exists. Again, I was not able to place this amongst the 10 very easily. It can’t go at the top, because if I am not real then what’s to say that anything is…so I put the two together.
I suppose the thing with God is that there are so many conflicting views on God from various sources. I was asked if I believe. I said that I don’t in a Christian or Catholic sense, I don’t see God as a he/she or a person. God is just a force that watches over us, and points us in the right direction occasionally.
GOD IS A TALKING CCTV CAMERA*
*Thankfully, not controlled by some old balding fat man stuffing his face with chilli nachos all day and releasing stinky air from his backside.
Top of everyone’s list, aside from mine (and the group that I managed to convince) was I know that I am real. I put this almost halfway down. I do not know that I am real, I could be a figment of my own imagination. I questioned everything. I even questioned the fact that the table I was making use of had 4 legs, because who was decided that four was four.
How do we know the Earth is round? Because nobody has fallen off the edge? Because we’ve seen pictures? Because people we “trust” have told us so? I guess that would be my guess, or one of those answers would be yours? Well, it’s not. It’s got caves and mountains, and hills and valleys, bits that float, bits that don’t, it’s not really round at all. I have seen pictures of where the land supposedly connects under the sea…if there was no sea, then what would it look like? Well it wouldn’t be round at all would it!
Anyway, another piece of paper said I know that God Exists. Again, I was not able to place this amongst the 10 very easily. It can’t go at the top, because if I am not real then what’s to say that anything is…so I put the two together.
I suppose the thing with God is that there are so many conflicting views on God from various sources. I was asked if I believe. I said that I don’t in a Christian or Catholic sense, I don’t see God as a he/she or a person. God is just a force that watches over us, and points us in the right direction occasionally.
GOD IS A TALKING CCTV CAMERA*
*Thankfully, not controlled by some old balding fat man stuffing his face with chilli nachos all day and releasing stinky air from his backside.
13 January 2008
All The Small Things
What I find crazy, most crazy of all, is that I can write stuff on here that can be read by anyone. When I write things down they make more sense than any other which way the thoughts and ideas come out of me.
I do things so that people, important people to me, know I care, but in reality whatever I have done, or do do is not really showing that I care at all...it’s the small things, the small things that are so little but always always make a huge huge difference.
But how do you give something that you’ve never given before? And when you are not even half way to knowing what is inside yourself anyways. How do you share something with someone that you don’t understand, and no matter how many times you try, you cannot put the words together to even explain.
In the lines of sensitivity that’s what I am.
But then Ash, whoever she really is, always has been, but it’s always been largely ignored. The inability to show emotions, for everyone to always wonder how she can be so full of life and so happy all the time......is she really?! Pretending to be something she is not all the time, and loosing her sense of self......she’s forgotten who she is, for always pretending to everyone that she’s something else.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, and I heard it last year at uni, the words... Ashley you’re a bit weird, but I like you. Strangely I was flattered by the remark, and now I would think to myself, weird compared to what? What’s “weird” and what’s “normal”. Are they actually any different? Is anyone an individual, and if so, is there in fact culture or society.
Where am I going with this? Where was I? Showing that you care, you could make the biggest gestures in the world for someone, but telling them that you care, far outweighs everything else. And if you care so much for someone then theoretically you should want to tell them every little thing about anything............although, changing the habit of a lifetime is no easy thing, and when so much is eating away at you...how can it ever happen?
I know it can, I know full well it can happen, and I know that nothing would make me happier...I just wish the light had an on/off switch, rather that a dimmer, which turns ever so slowly, and dims the light just as often as it makes it brighter. 2 steps forward and one step back in other words.
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER ASHLEY...KEEP PUSHING THROUGH, AND STOP BEING SUCH A MISERABLE COW!!!!!!!!!!
Why?
Coz there’s no bloody need woman, and if you feel crap on the inside, everything on the outside is crap too............Good Luck
Erm..........thanks
I do things so that people, important people to me, know I care, but in reality whatever I have done, or do do is not really showing that I care at all...it’s the small things, the small things that are so little but always always make a huge huge difference.
But how do you give something that you’ve never given before? And when you are not even half way to knowing what is inside yourself anyways. How do you share something with someone that you don’t understand, and no matter how many times you try, you cannot put the words together to even explain.
In the lines of sensitivity that’s what I am.
But then Ash, whoever she really is, always has been, but it’s always been largely ignored. The inability to show emotions, for everyone to always wonder how she can be so full of life and so happy all the time......is she really?! Pretending to be something she is not all the time, and loosing her sense of self......she’s forgotten who she is, for always pretending to everyone that she’s something else.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, and I heard it last year at uni, the words... Ashley you’re a bit weird, but I like you. Strangely I was flattered by the remark, and now I would think to myself, weird compared to what? What’s “weird” and what’s “normal”. Are they actually any different? Is anyone an individual, and if so, is there in fact culture or society.
Where am I going with this? Where was I? Showing that you care, you could make the biggest gestures in the world for someone, but telling them that you care, far outweighs everything else. And if you care so much for someone then theoretically you should want to tell them every little thing about anything............although, changing the habit of a lifetime is no easy thing, and when so much is eating away at you...how can it ever happen?
I know it can, I know full well it can happen, and I know that nothing would make me happier...I just wish the light had an on/off switch, rather that a dimmer, which turns ever so slowly, and dims the light just as often as it makes it brighter. 2 steps forward and one step back in other words.
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER ASHLEY...KEEP PUSHING THROUGH, AND STOP BEING SUCH A MISERABLE COW!!!!!!!!!!
Why?
Coz there’s no bloody need woman, and if you feel crap on the inside, everything on the outside is crap too............Good Luck
Erm..........thanks
9 January 2008
Uncomfortable in the skin that you’re in…
Peel it back
Take a look inside
Is it insane or mundane?
It doesn’t matter, you’re on the ride.
Life is a roller coaster; it’s true. While some people are happy, others are blue. Some are just uncomfortable, not ever knowing which way to feel at any time. It it’s this uncomfortableness that causes great frustration. What does it mean? Does life hold something more for you? Are you frustrated with what you have? Are you frustrated with what you don’t have? Do you know that there is something beyond all belief?
Life’s a ride, and as they say, it’s what you make it. If your resources are limited how can you make it more than it is already?
Is a performing donkey just another variation?
Ash, Ash, Ash, who are you? What do you want and what do you need? Completely different with every person you meet. You can make people laugh with your strange and bizarre antics. You can bore people with trivial things. You can entertain people for ages, and your aim is to please, and create smiles inside those who are feeling down. But not everyone it would seem. You’ve spent so much time building barriers, that nobody, family or friends, can cross. You have 1001 tried and tested defence mechanisms to keep yourself from being ridiculed which leads to it. Anyway, what makes you happy? Really happy? If it’s a certain person, why does time spent with that one frustrate you so much? Your barrier has been crossed, and now it’s real. Hurt IS an option, only if you can’t sort yourself out soon. Even now it may be too late. Why do you clam up? Why do you feel the need to hide? Why do you fear that you cannot compare to what’s in his life? Write a story, your own story, and make it the best one yet.
I do not know what to feel, or what I feel, or how to put it into words. Thoughts and dreams and plans with all the best of intentions often go wrong. I do not know why I fear you; I don’t know why I feel inferior. You have opened me up to a whole new world, one that I don’t understand. One which I get excited about when I feel that I do, but with things changing so rapidly, I find it difficult to keep up. I’d love to be able to do what you do, and read and read to my heats content. I could read millions of books in just one area, and still I would not understand. Maybe that’s me being defeatist and insecure, but how can I compete and compare to your world? Why would nice little Ashley be on your mind when there are so many other pulses floating around. I wish I knew what you know, and understood. I wish I could get it. I wish I could get what you’ve got. Your amazingness is matched only by your smile, your brilliance is matched only by your eyes. I have never met anyone like you, and I don’t believe that I ever will. To loose you would be like loosing everyone and everything I ever cared about all in one go. I don’t understand you, I wont say that I do, but I want to. I’ve never felt so close to someone, and yet so far from them too. I’m confused in my head on so many levels. I cannot help but wonder, if the whole world had not been built on a series of moments and well-constructed lies, would things be different. How does anyone know what is truth and what are lies? Everything is so closely monitored, so how do you have this fantastic capability to see though all the rubbish, where others would not.
How can I have been told so much and still carry along with the degeneration? How can you keep yourself away? You could know all there is to know, on your quest, but for now you are still you. In general I am an optimist. Work is something you CAN do to make living a little easier remember…
Why can’t I be me around you? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like I am nothing amongst the web of oddness you have?
Ash, stop forcing the answers to questions that exist only in your head, you already know the answers, you can already understand everything that can be understood. You have the desire of the knowledge, you just need to find your path of discovery. What you know, or don’t already is irrelevant. It’s what you learn from now that counts. About you, about life, about your past, it doesn’t matter, it’s all inside of you. You just need to relax and let the knowledge.com to you.
But I wonder what if I never make it, what if I never get past this deep routed fear that’s inside. Where does it come from, and will it ever go? Why when I try to do something nice for a certain person does it seem to go wrong? Never the way I imagined it would. Why am I currently this me, and not her me. Which one am I really? Why? What? Why?
Telephone your balloon in a typhoon. In other words Ash, the rubber barrier that has enclosed you is escapable. You are the helium that will find it’s way out eventually. While there will be times in life that you will be challenged and want to climb back into your bubble, you can make contact with the barrier, but you’ll never be able to get back over the other side. Immigration Control will stop you, and you wont even get the chance to seek asylum.
It’s going to be tough ash, but you really do have the power, and once you grasp that, nothing will stand in your way.
Promise?
YES!!!
Take a look inside
Is it insane or mundane?
It doesn’t matter, you’re on the ride.
Life is a roller coaster; it’s true. While some people are happy, others are blue. Some are just uncomfortable, not ever knowing which way to feel at any time. It it’s this uncomfortableness that causes great frustration. What does it mean? Does life hold something more for you? Are you frustrated with what you have? Are you frustrated with what you don’t have? Do you know that there is something beyond all belief?
Life’s a ride, and as they say, it’s what you make it. If your resources are limited how can you make it more than it is already?
Is a performing donkey just another variation?
Ash, Ash, Ash, who are you? What do you want and what do you need? Completely different with every person you meet. You can make people laugh with your strange and bizarre antics. You can bore people with trivial things. You can entertain people for ages, and your aim is to please, and create smiles inside those who are feeling down. But not everyone it would seem. You’ve spent so much time building barriers, that nobody, family or friends, can cross. You have 1001 tried and tested defence mechanisms to keep yourself from being ridiculed which leads to it. Anyway, what makes you happy? Really happy? If it’s a certain person, why does time spent with that one frustrate you so much? Your barrier has been crossed, and now it’s real. Hurt IS an option, only if you can’t sort yourself out soon. Even now it may be too late. Why do you clam up? Why do you feel the need to hide? Why do you fear that you cannot compare to what’s in his life? Write a story, your own story, and make it the best one yet.
I do not know what to feel, or what I feel, or how to put it into words. Thoughts and dreams and plans with all the best of intentions often go wrong. I do not know why I fear you; I don’t know why I feel inferior. You have opened me up to a whole new world, one that I don’t understand. One which I get excited about when I feel that I do, but with things changing so rapidly, I find it difficult to keep up. I’d love to be able to do what you do, and read and read to my heats content. I could read millions of books in just one area, and still I would not understand. Maybe that’s me being defeatist and insecure, but how can I compete and compare to your world? Why would nice little Ashley be on your mind when there are so many other pulses floating around. I wish I knew what you know, and understood. I wish I could get it. I wish I could get what you’ve got. Your amazingness is matched only by your smile, your brilliance is matched only by your eyes. I have never met anyone like you, and I don’t believe that I ever will. To loose you would be like loosing everyone and everything I ever cared about all in one go. I don’t understand you, I wont say that I do, but I want to. I’ve never felt so close to someone, and yet so far from them too. I’m confused in my head on so many levels. I cannot help but wonder, if the whole world had not been built on a series of moments and well-constructed lies, would things be different. How does anyone know what is truth and what are lies? Everything is so closely monitored, so how do you have this fantastic capability to see though all the rubbish, where others would not.
How can I have been told so much and still carry along with the degeneration? How can you keep yourself away? You could know all there is to know, on your quest, but for now you are still you. In general I am an optimist. Work is something you CAN do to make living a little easier remember…
Why can’t I be me around you? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like I am nothing amongst the web of oddness you have?
Ash, stop forcing the answers to questions that exist only in your head, you already know the answers, you can already understand everything that can be understood. You have the desire of the knowledge, you just need to find your path of discovery. What you know, or don’t already is irrelevant. It’s what you learn from now that counts. About you, about life, about your past, it doesn’t matter, it’s all inside of you. You just need to relax and let the knowledge.com to you.
But I wonder what if I never make it, what if I never get past this deep routed fear that’s inside. Where does it come from, and will it ever go? Why when I try to do something nice for a certain person does it seem to go wrong? Never the way I imagined it would. Why am I currently this me, and not her me. Which one am I really? Why? What? Why?
Telephone your balloon in a typhoon. In other words Ash, the rubber barrier that has enclosed you is escapable. You are the helium that will find it’s way out eventually. While there will be times in life that you will be challenged and want to climb back into your bubble, you can make contact with the barrier, but you’ll never be able to get back over the other side. Immigration Control will stop you, and you wont even get the chance to seek asylum.
It’s going to be tough ash, but you really do have the power, and once you grasp that, nothing will stand in your way.
Promise?
YES!!!
1 January 2008
Close the window
Or should that be open? Perhaps the window should be a door? Are you letting the heat out or indeed letting the cold in?
I guess that would depend on the way you see the world, what your influences are; what the influences of others are, and so on and so forth.
Is there such a thing as being too optimistic? How about too pessimistic? What about realistic...can you actually be too realistic? What does the term realistic actually mean? What is real? I am just as real, or no more real that you.
Opening the door or the window brings with it fresh air. You are not letting out hot air, not letting the cold out, just merely introducing yourself to new breaths, new ideas and new experiences,
Do you have doors and windows open or closed at home? How about in your mind? In either case, how many times have you closed a window and not opened another? How many times has something unexplainable happened, and rather than wondering why or how it happened, you simply closed the window on it?
I guess that would depend on the way you see the world, what your influences are; what the influences of others are, and so on and so forth.
Is there such a thing as being too optimistic? How about too pessimistic? What about realistic...can you actually be too realistic? What does the term realistic actually mean? What is real? I am just as real, or no more real that you.
Opening the door or the window brings with it fresh air. You are not letting out hot air, not letting the cold out, just merely introducing yourself to new breaths, new ideas and new experiences,
Do you have doors and windows open or closed at home? How about in your mind? In either case, how many times have you closed a window and not opened another? How many times has something unexplainable happened, and rather than wondering why or how it happened, you simply closed the window on it?
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