I want to be a philosopher

I've thought about this for a while. I've pondered, and thought. I want to be a philosopher. I want to be my own Plato. I want to come up with all the right questions, and give some well thought out structured answers. The more I think I want to be a philosopher, the more I think it's what I want. After all, thought is an ability we all posses. Some people have abstract thoughts, some simple thought, but they are all thoughts of a sort.

So I revel in the age old question, "are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at the starts because we are human?". I may go one one further as to wonder, in either case, why the stars seem so fascinating. But then I suppose that goes down to the bigger picture, and why are we all here? The cosmos is a wonderful mystical thing, and so truly magnificent...it's difficult to get your head around. But that's what great philosophers do, they get their heads around these things, they do it by thinking. And anyone can think...can't they?

How do you be a philosopher anyway? Surely there is more to it than just thinking? And surely you need to be fairly well educated, either self or institutionalised educated. Would I make a good philosopher being an absent minded numpty? Being that I am an optimistic depressive, who quite likes freak weather, death, doom and destruction...am I safe to be a philosopher?! I know nothing about being a philosopher? Well that's a lie, for I would be a sceptic, so I can't know nothing, as I cannot truly know anything. I'd be the one always looking for the exception to the rule. The black swan!

But surely being absent minded isn't a bad thing for philosophy. Of course it might be, but is it not better to have a good thought from an absent minded fool, than to have a bad thought from a person who isn't of an absent mind? But then there is no such thing as a good thought, or a bad thought, or a right or wrong one. It's just a thought. But my ethos is that if the thought comes from you, then it's a good thought for you. But then you can only wonder why you thought of it, and why it's a good thought for you, and eventually it could turn out, once you've pondered a little bit too much, that it was in fact a bad one.

Life as such is just a fantasy. Oooh I like that, fantasy makes it sound more exciting than a figment of ones imagination. But I believe that here on this little planet we reflect the cosmos. The universe is in our hands. you see, there are many stars out there that will stay put for a while yet, and those stars are reflected by monuments all over this floaty ball of ours. And I say ours, it doesn't belong to a person in charge, it belongs to everyone. Everywhere else in space there are bits of rubble and all sorts floating around and these I believe are the people. The people are the bits of rock...maybe, I don't know. Now I say that it seems a little bit too far-fetched, but then isn't that what philosophy is all about.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pull people's lives apart, because philosophy can do that....all I want to do is think thoughts of magnificence. Thoughts that reflect who I am, or what I am, whatever and whichever I may or may not be.

I'm not smart, that articulate or even good at expressing myself in any way, shape or form, but I suppose there is no harm in trying, if that's what might be good/bad/right/wrong for me.

You said...you did

You said...
Let's make a promise that whatever happens we'll always be there for each other

You did...
Turn your back on me when I needed you most

I did...
Not desert you, hurt you, take the piss, or use you
Cared about you more than anyone else on the planet

You said...
Lets both keep a blog so we know what one-another are thinking

You did...
Not read mine and respond when I needed YOUR opinion
Stop writing the one I knew about, because of "stupid comments"

I did...
Let you know what I thought of your posts, how good and meaningful they were
Spend hours looking for the other blog, but never found it

You said...
You'd never hurt me

You did...
Pull me apart piece by piece, pushed me away and drew me back in, only to repeat it all again

I did...
Keep letting it happen because I see the good in you

You said...
I have no friends

You did...
Befriend me

I did...
Not desert you when everyone else did

Christmas is a drug

Could Christmas possibally be a drug?

You get the come up, where the excitement builds in your belly, and your general mood lightens, you speak to people you don't usually speak to just because it's the run up to Christmas. You fall in love with the idea of Christmas, you are surrounded and dazzled by lights, and pretty things. Then comes the day, and you have reached the ultimate high, everyone is smiling and bringing their own presence into the day. For the day everyone gets along, even if they wouldn't normally, as they all enter into the spirit of Christmas and leave their disputes at the door.

The day goes on, people eat, drink and be merry, play a game or two, have the Christmas snooze, and as if by magic, suddenly it's all over....

But what comes next? I put it to you that following on from Christmas is the come down. Faced with the reality that in a day or two you will return back to normal. That another year will begin, will another set of trials and tribulations...the high ends and day to day normality resumes.....

Christmas is a drug!

Patience is a virtue

Or at least that is what they say. I'd say, in many cases it is more of a vice. If you are too patent you'll miss out on some stuff, mind you if in some cases you are not quite patient enough you could seriously piss someone off.....of you'll get pissed off yourself. When does it pay to be nice to someone? When does it pay to be a little less patient and a bit more forceful? Both have their own good bits and bad bits, which says to me that the saying is a bit false.

Asses the situation first, and if patience is more likely to help you out, keep hold of it......don't let it run out!!

Fear in faith

I believe yesterday I was banging on about fear in hope, and how it doesn't really do any good for the individual concerned. And as I now believe hope to be a faith in itself I thought I'd take a look at fear in religion....

Religion generally comes with a set of rules if you like, to follow. A good religious person follows all the rules. So if you do not follow every single rule all of the time, does this make you a bad religious person? I'm not religious, and therefore I wouldn't know. I would imagine though that the majority of religious people would believe the person that follws all the rules to be rather good.

Can you be a good Christian? Or a good Catholic? A good Muslim? A good Jew? Maybe it is possible, but I can't for the life of me think why anyone would let a set of rules made many moons ago govern the way they lead their life. My only thought is that of fear.

Faith it seems generally has this set of rules, and there are consequences if you don't follow them as you should. Perhaps you will upset your god, perhaps you will go to hell? Is that eternal damnation? I don't know, but a religious person is made to believe that this is what will happen if they break the rules. Of course, you may correct me if I am wrong, for I am not religious, and haven't really got any sources to back me up, it's all just guess work.

But who really knows what's around the corner? I'm more of a believer of seizing an opportunity. This is also a sort of faith, but then that "what if" fear comes in, and wola, you miss it.

Family is also a faith. If you do something against your families wishes you get punished for it. Therefore many people follow the rules, do as they are told, for fear that they may get into some serious trouble. They don't make friends with people they might actually like because their parents don't like them. Now in my opinion it is up to you who you choose to be friends with and what you do with your life. And fear is the one thing that holds everyone, and I mean everyone back.

You might believe in your best friend, but at some point fear of something will enter the relationship, and from that moment, it's never the same as it were before.

Think of the consequences of some of the things you've done....or even haven't done. I don't believe in living with regrets, but there are things I should have done, as I expect there are things that you should have done, but fear has held you back.

I suppose that if you live with the "everything happens for a reason" attitude, a faith in itself, then you would say that because you didn't do something due to a fear of yours, it wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, you would probably end up at the same point in the end, but would the journey to that same point been as it has? It could have been worse you say? What's that? Fear? Now perhaps you fear that the path you chose was wrong. But the path you chose was a faith. It was the safest option, but if an opportunity was set out in front of you, even if it went against you faiths (religion, family, friends) you missed out on something that yes, could have gone badly wrong, but you missed out on this why? So you didn't go to hell, and you didn't piss everyone off?

I'm kind of running around in circles here. I'm basically trying to say that fear in itself is, yes, you've guessed it, a faith. However, fear is probably the most picked up and put down faith. You only believe in fear when it suits you...or your friends, family and religion.

Love this!!

I watched The Beach a couple of nights ago. It's been a while since I've seen it...if you've not watched it for quite some time I recommend watching it. The above song is the one that plays over the end credits, and I was sucked into it from the very beginning. I don't have a clue why, but I felt compelled to watch the words move upwards on the screen, random people who did random things on a project...I really have no interest in who plays who and who does what, it's like I was being told to watch the credits though to listen to this song. I'll tell you why I like the song in a minute...

I never realised before what exactly was going on in The Beach, but when I watched it, it sort of clicked. A man, goes on an adventure, and due to a mistake made in his past gets separated from his group, away from the dream, and then creates his own reality, and to those around him goes insane. Suddenly there is a wake up call. I never even viewed it like that, it relates to me now, whereas years ago I just thought it was nonsense. Why it relates to me only one or two people would know.

I think the track is awesome though. The strings and the beat and the lyrics and the voice all fit together like the last remaining pieces of a jigsaw, and there is a mood about it that's wonderfully chaotic, yet soothing. The way it calms down and the sounds almost disappear, become very slow, smooth, and calm. The suddenly it picks up again like a storm. Yes, I think it's like that, and I likes it!!

The words actually mean something. There are many songs these days that are just thrown together in a way that people don't think about them, they just sing them....here are the lyrics....

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah, yeah

I believe there's a time and a place
To let your mind drift and get out of this place
I believe there's a day and a place
That we will go to, and I know you wanna share.

There's no secret to living (There's no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
There's no secret to dying (There's no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying.

I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my fame.

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls.

I believe there's a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends (Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there's a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends (Let this vision end).

But I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
And I'm gonna cry in a space that don't hold my fame.

Walking in the cold
Just keep on flying
There'll be a searchlight
On the mountain high
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I'm a lonely soul

I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name.

God knows you are lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
I'm a lonely soul.

So long, little chapel
Sweet is the sound
Pack up your light
Pack up your light
Say goodbye to the holy water life
Ohhh
Sweet sound in and out
Ahhh
Pushing it in

Hopes & Fears

I don't think it was all that long ago that I wrote about how awful hope was, and how the world would be better off without it, but I actually think in some cases hope of something better is the one thing that keeps people going, relationships stable, families together. There is always hope at the end of the day. It will always be there, and will never go away. It's something that is embedded deep within each and every one of us, and yes, while it can build some false happiness, nothing seems as bad as it really is when there is a possibility in ones mind of an alternative.

I think that before I was very angry. Nothing seemed to be as I had hoped it would be, and I lost my faith a little. But really, that's all it is, it is a question of faith. Hope can be magnificent really, if you believe in it. We all have it, but it's when people loose their faith in hope that everything suddenly go down the pan. Of course hope can make you sad as well as happy. Particularly if there is something you dream of and want so much, and yet you fear it is so far out of reach. Like you can never achieve it. Fear unfortunately is the problem here. A hope is not really a hope if fear is in it's way. Nobody can achieve their hopes is fear is in the way for the simple reason that fear is an enemy of faith. Ooooooh I like that!!

If fear stands in the way of hope I don't think the hope can be realised. Fear that comes with hope is generally the fear of what will happen if the hope doesn't turn out quite as you would have liked it to. This is because, I think I have said somewhere before, people create their own reality, and generally negative forces are much stronger than positive forces. I don't know why, something to do with the ego I suppose. They say that the ego is the part of you that doesn't think you deserve to be happy. It is your negative force, and is generally a lot stronger than any positives within. So when you have a hope, something you long for, something you dream about, and that little niggle in your mind hops in and says "no, no, no. It will all go wrong eventually, why bother", shake it of as quickly as you possibly can. Try, go for what you want. Remain positive, even on the toughest days, and you will reap the rewards. It might not happen over night, but as they say....good things come to those who wait. The world and life are beautiful, so why rush through it all?

A single grain of sand....

can tell you everything you needed to know about the world, and a whole lot more.

I think it's amazing that just by holding onto one tiny grain of sand you are holding the key to our existence. Not only does it tell the history of our planet, but the history of the entire universe.

One teeny tiny grain of sand!

It's all about forgiving.....

I read something a couple of days ago that turned me back into my miserable self, when during the course of the week I made a consorted effort to pick myself back up. It was a blog entry on the web about letters of forgiveness.

In practice you write a letter to someone, you tell them in that letter what they did to hurt you, following which you write that you forgive them for it. There was a "sample letter" on this blog, that a man had wrote to his father who had been abusive and distant for his [the man] whole life. There were many comments and good wishes, including many people talking about their own forgiveness letter experiences. It's not always necessary to actually give the letters to the people. You write it as a form of release. I suppose whether or not you give the letter to someone depends on the circumstances.

Those who chose not to pass on the letter, or wrote to friends and relatives who had passed away had "rituals" such as burning them or attaching them to helium balloons and letting them fly off. I suppose it's good to get those thoughts down on paper and throw them out into the cosmos, and with any luck be relieved of ill feelings placed inside.

I've got hopes of this task. I think that there are an awful lot of things whirling around in my head these days that need putting to bed. Some of which are things that are not even relevant to my life now, but still in some way are hiding just beneath the surface, and preventing me from growing as a person. My plan for the evening is to write a list of those who have brought some form of pain to me, and forgive each and every one of them.

Crazy, Mad, Insane Mentalness

Why is it that people always look to science for answers to their problems.

Why do people have to be suffering from depression or OCD or schizophrenia or any other metal disorder just because they don't really fit in with whatever "normality" might be. None of those mental disorders are real. Not in my opinion anyway, and forgive me if I am wrong, but is it not just there to comfort people.....I mean if you think there is something wrong with you, and then it's confirmed that in fact there is something wrong with you, does this not to some extent make you feel better? All these weird and wonderful mental illnesses are just words that collectively describe how someone might feel at any given moment, but they don't really exist. They are just words, and terms.

I was looking at bi-polar disorder yesterday, if you don't know what it is, just look it up....is it not what any "normal" person experiences? Everyone goes though bouts of feeling rather down, and everyone goes through periods where they are intensely happy. It just depends on what's going on in their lives and their reaction to it. I might be wrong, but that's my thought on the matter. I watched BBC Horizon last night, it's a two part documentary about mental health disorders, and for every disorder that they described I felt myself going, oh is that's what's wrong with me? I do that, and that and that. I must be a depressive. Then, I have got that, I do that, I must have social anxiety. Oh I have those weird things, I must have OCD.

Fact of the matter is, that then I came and looked at bi-polar disorder and said to myself, now that's what I have got. And I'm sure if they had described schizophrenia I would have said, that's me!

Do you know why? Because there are no such things. They are just terms that make people feel better. They can justify their behaviour that they don't believe to be "normal". THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!

Nobody, not one person in this world is normal. Everyone has their ups and their downs, their good qualities, their bad qualities, their quirks and their let downs. Every single person on this planet can be happy or sad or numb. It all depends on that persons present situation and how they react to it.

While a medical professional might tell me that I have Bi-polar disorder, manic depression, OCD, social anxiety or schizophrenia, because I have character traits that are in line with each and every disorder going, I don't. I'm just a person who does odd things every so often, and doesn't think straight 100% of the time. Think about it logically.....do you?

Would you feel better if someone told you you had a mental disorder and filled you with drugs that made you a normal? I for one wouldn't, and I would refuse to take them!!

Will the battle ever end?

It's 11th November, and today I took part in, as everybody really should the 2 minutes silence. Why do we do it. Well just in case you've been living in a shed for the past 90 years, it's a day of remembrance to remember those who have fallen whilst fighting for their country. The first world war ended on 11th November 1980, and that is what today is all about.

Now I watched the coverage this morning, just to make sure I didn't miss my cue to shut up and reflect. Of course I was amazed when watching the service by the three war veterans still alive today, who were representing the three forces, the Army, the Navy and the Royal Air Force. At 108, 110 and 112, I was amazed to see that they all still looked so healthy.

Of course it's not only about those who gave their lives in WWI or WWII but we remember everyone who has fallen even in recent years. But as the day went on I listened to people saying how those who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years are not hero's. The reason they are not hero's? The wars are unjust.

Unjust they may be, but these people have still given their lives. They have been sent by the armed forces into dangerous territory, believing that they are there for a good cause, and lost their lives. So whether the war is just or not, they have still thought believing that it's the right thing to do.

The forces are very attractive to young people leaving school. Not only is there decent pay, they have the opportunity to train in almost any field, gain qualifications, they do get to see the world, they get to live away from their parents, and it does look rather good on a CV. I know when I left school there were many people that were there with me that joined up. None of them expected to go to war. There was no war type things happening at that time.

The fact of the matter is, they do a job, because they have to. If you don't like what they are doing that's fine. But don't try to say that they are not hero's. It takes a certain type of person to go to a danger zone like that, would you do it? If the war was just would you do it?

Hummm....I like this

I have used the phrase “it might come back and bite you on the bum” a few times today. Seems it is my saying of the moment.

Other things I seem to be doing is setting alight to a baby wipe, a dry one, just to see how quickly it would flame up. The answer….very bloody quickly indeed. What about a wet one…..I’ll just test

It’s actually quite difficult to get a wet baby wipe going. I would still recommend though not leaving children, baby wipes and lighters/matches alone in a room together. That also means me!

Giving up a life....

Is there anyone that means that much to you that you would give your life if it made him or her reap in happiness?

While the occasion will probably never arise, it is worthwhile making sure this person is aware of just how much they mean to you. Time it appropriately though, or it could come back and bite you on the bum.

Jealous minds

Jealousy can turn a seemingly bright and happy person into something recognisable. Perhaps? Maybe? I’m not really sure, but I know this is one of the things in the forefront of my mind.

I’ve never let jealousy get the better of me. I have watched it destroy many friends’ relationships, and I have always been very determined that any jealousy I will swallow quickly. Trouble is, that this is one of those things that is easier said than done, and it does come back and bite you on the bum.

Currently I am jealous of every relationship a friend of mine has. I’m jealous of their counsellor that sounds so bloody brilliant. I cannot compete with that. I can’t compete with all these people on TV who look stunning because they have make-up artists who do it all for them. I am jealous of people that have a certain colour of hair, just because they might be more appealing than me. In fact I am jealous of everyone that a friend of mine has met and left a lasting impression on, and everyone they will meet in the imminent future. I am jealous of their relationship with members of their family, particularly their parents, because I’d love this to be the case with my own, but my family-life is nothing like theirs.

This is all simply down to the fact that my self-esteem has become so low of late that I just don’t feel I have anything to offer them as a friend anymore. And the only thing I can offer is something that I myself am very unsure about, not really any good at, and fills me with fear and dread.

The fact of the matter is that jealousy is a massive part of a persons ego. It is not a nice quality, but unfortunately is it one we all possess, and we all will be a victim of at some point in our lives. No matter where it stems from, the only thing that determines what it does to you is to react in the right way. For example if someone is jealous of you for being beautiful or clever, and you pick up on this, really you should feel flattered that they have obviously let you get under their skin enough. If you let them make you feel bad you may end up with a massive complex about yourself, this will lead to a huge blow in confidence and self-esteem.

I’m not sure how one combats the jealousy in themselves. I suppose the answer for me would to be to think rationally about whether these people, particularly those on the television really are a real threat to my friendships? And are old friends and ex-partners a threat? Probably not. So why is the jealousy there? I think it’s triggered by a whole host of feelings. If I remember right, the ego is the thing that makes you believe that you deserve nothing. So the ego, pride and jealousy are all very closely linked. Depending on how big your ego is, I guess determines whether you succumb to it, or battle it with everything you have got. I hope, for my sake, and other friends’ sake that I don’t succumb to this, because once you succumb to an emotion of this kind it can destroy not only you but the people around you too.

I cry

I think the time has come to write a bit about myself again, and what's in my head. I've spent countless nights talking to myself about my problems, crying my heart out, because I don't really have anyone I can talk to as a form of release. Trouble is, that if you only speak to yourself as a form of release....well it's not a release at all, because the information that you "release" goes straight back into you. It's a vicious circle.

Unfortunately it is my own fault. I pushed many people close to me away. I became a shadow of my former self. In fact, I don't even remember my former self. I remember that I did odd, rather random things. I had some sort of drive in me to entertain with my stupid antics. On the occasion I still do it now. I am not full of wit, I don't know any jokes, and I'm not even very good at getting jokes that I am told. I have a series of defence mechanisms, that my brain invented just to keep me safe. It's now second nature to me. The problem is, that it has become a habit. Habits are generally very difficult to get rid of. And if you pick up the wrong habits, this leaves you trapped. They don't enable you to fulfil your life fully, nor do they enable you to even so much as enjoy your life. In fact, my habit means that bit by bit I am breaking down.

I'm at the stage where I cry quite regularly. I've come to the point where that's all I know I can do well. And as I type this I am holding back, because nobody can know how I feel, and I think my parents are making me some lunch. I cannot let them know that I feel as low as I do. Nobody can know.

To most people I've always been miss happy-go-lucky Ashley. Always smiling. Always just enjoying the ride.....and then, and still now I do silly things like start dancing in shops, because it gets a reaction from people. I can still do this now. It detracts away for a few moments from how much my insides hurt. I like to see other people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.

I'm only a bit slow on the uptake of things due to force of habit. It happened one day. I used it as a defence, and it worked. Suddenly I didn't have to be clever any more. I could live in my own little world, and nobody would think anything else of it. That's just Ashley. The vast majority of my relationships are based around this mechanism. Even the ones I don't want to be are, because I've done it for so long, that I haven't got a clue where to start to get around it.

I lack motivation. I have no motivation to wake up each day, and once I am awake I certainly have no motivation to do anything else. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy, it's because I am incredibly miserable. I am stuck in everything I hate about life so much. Surrounded by it. Engulfed in it, and at the moment I see no way out. I have no means of escape, not even for a few moments.

I can put on some music, and on the occasion I get lost in it, but it requires a relaxed mind of which mine is not. Mine never switches off. I always seem to be thinking of something that's wrong. Mostly I am angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I have reacted to so many things in such a way that I have ended up feeling and living in this way. There is no longer happiness behind my eyes. I am no longer happy-go-lucky. I am a fake. I am an imposter, and yet so many people have said "I wish I was more like you Ashley". This of course upsets me even more. I am an imposter, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to be like me now.

I'm in so deep that I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Nobody can know about me. Nobody can know how sad I feel inside, and how frustrated this makes me feel. I will not share it with anyone because I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that this is what I have become. I would imagine also that many people wouldn't understand. That if I did attempt to explain they would be unable to comprehend it, because I seem so "normal".

In fact, if anyone were to know about me, and the pain behind my eyes it would be the one I refer to as the amazingness. He is the only person I really trust to tell all to...but as has become a force of habit, I contradict myself to detract away from the point. I have become unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I also feel it to be unfair to this person to have hold of my feeligns because they have been through so much. And I was never really there for them when or how they needed. I feel that I have let them down, and been a constant dissapointment and burden on their life. I've tried to walk away many times, but I cannot. I've never felt the way I feel about them about anyone. Yet I do not show it. I do not know how.

While I am not emotionally numb, that I am sure, I am not able to express them in a way that people expect. I live life on the defensive. I feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything that I think or feel. In the past I've been ridiculed. Told that I'm pathetic. Made to feel like a complete idiot around people when I have given my view or opinion, that I created another defence mechanism, whereby I can no longer form one, or give one. This hurts me almost as much as knowing that I am alone.

I just can't see any way out now. I'm beginning to wonder if I will always be like this. I had all these hopes of what I would be doing a year from now, but in my current state of mind I fear that a year from now I'll be sitting here feeling like this, writing something very similar, still crying whenever I get the chance to be alone knowing that nobody will find out.

I would appreciate it, if anyone does read this, they don't leave me comments telling me that I am "not the only one" or "not alone" or anything of the sort. For nobody feels what I do in the same way that I do. Nobody anywhere feels this about anything because every single person expreiences life in a completely different way. I don't need advice or pity of any sort. I am capable of pulling myself out I'm sure....I just don't know how long it's going to take.

TV, Radio and Prank Calls

It's been quite some time since I've watched television (other than Hollyoaks). It's even been a long time since I've listened to the radio, even though I work in radio. There is a reason for this, things get blown way out of proportion.

Take the recent mumbo jumbo with Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. After a series of phone calls made to Andrew Sachs (think Faulty Towers' Manuel) mostly about his granddaughter, the county has been up in arms about it all.

In my opinion it has all been blown out of proportion. It was s couple of calls made to a man, that said some not particularly nice things about his granddaughter. However, his granddaughter is not exactly a little angel, and isn't a model citizen. In fact, her career has been highlighted in the whole episode, and is perhaps of greated embarrasment to the family than the calls were in the first place.

So all week all I've heard about is Brand and Ross. Apparently the show has 400,000 listeners, and at the end of yesterday there were 27,000 complaints. Little over an eighth of the normal listeners. I expect the majority of complaints have no come from the shows listeners, but from people who have read papers, such as The Sun and The Mail and all the rest. It's all done to provoke a reaction. And yes, I am falling into that trap, as here I am moaning about it all.

Really, it's a show with a certain callibre of listeners. If it's the type of show that you may be offended by, then you don't listen. Same as FNWJR, if you don't like it, you don't watch it, simple as. And you get on with your life.

In my opinion, there was no need for them to be suspended, and no need for Russell Brand to resign from his Radio 2 show. They both issued an apology, and Andrew Sachs was happy with this, and doesn't wish to pursue it any further. In fact, he's probably just wanting to get back to his normal quiet life. Instead both he and his granddaughter are subject to all this media attention....

What really angers me, is the fact that all this got mention in parliament. What it has to do with them I don't know. Is there nothing these days that politicians don't ruin? Can nothing be done without them being involved. Many people say the words "I don't do politics". However, if you are alive, you do politics. Because the whole thing is politics. Politicians should stick to doing what they do best, spending tax payers money on rescuing banks from bankruptcy (how ironic). Not commenting on television or radio programmes and people.

Something is always going to offend someone. Whatever is said, and however it is meant. If something offends you, don't listen/watch/read it. It's got nothing to do with today's youth, or today's oldies, or today's society. Because of politics, this land has been invanded by double standards. Everyone supposedly has the freedom of speech. And if that offends someone, so be it. But apparently this doesn't work if you are on TV or the Radio.

The worst part about the whole thing is all the time, effort and money spend on reporting what's been going on. Or the time and effort it has taken for people to write complaints......when we should be either sorting out what's happening on our own doorstep, or putting effort into making people aware of other more pressing issues going on in the world.

Veni, Vidi, Vici

In other words, I came, I saw, I conquered.

While I was reading a story about the Lost Dutchmans Mine, I read that some man who tried to find it was shot, and in his pocket was a note with those words. I do not know what they mean, if the man wrote it, or perhaps maybe someone else?! And was he refering to the mine, or perhaps something else?

They are all a mystery. But the thing is, those three words zapped me, made me feel slightly light headed for a moment or two, and then the episode was over. But as I recently re-discovered this outlet, I thought I was write something. Anything really. I saw the three words before, I believe that the amazingness introduced me to them, and that's possibally why I see a whole lot more in those three weird words than I should...........Generally if something came out of the amazingness, even if it's something I haven't understood, I remember it, and it hits me somewhere along the line. He's very special if I may say so myself.

It's funny isn't it, how a person or a persons words can get stuck in our heads, like nothing else mattered.

Mini Poem Thing

I thought of this while I was driving home this evening......

Dreaming of you keeps me awake
Being awake is a nightmare state
At least when I sleep you're there by my side
But when I wake I leave you behind




Clearly I was thinking about a certain someone when I wrote it, but I thought it was quite nice.

Now here I am hoping that nobody has written it before and that it might an original Ash masterpiece.

What is the world coming to...? Really

I'm getting the hang of this writing thing again after a rather long rest-ish period.

I need to vent something that is kinda a current annoyance. You see I was watching the news today. I don't do it often, but today was the day. That Large Hadron Collider was turned on....so far so good, but that wasn't what got my attention today.....

The thing that got my attention, and annoyed me A LOT, was the fact that in one area adults that are in parks are being stopped an questioned by rangers in the interest of the safety of children. Has the world gone mad? They are not stopping everyone though, OH NO, just people that "look suspicious". They stopped one lady who was dressed as a penguin handing out climate change information because she might "attract children".

I'm sorry, but children in parks are generally either supervised by an adult that is quite capable of looking after their children without help from anyone else, and any other children are old enough to look after themselves, and wont be alone, but with their friends. In a group they are pretty sensible. Due to fear mongering by that old media chestnut they are aware of the potential risks, and I'm quite sure that their parents have told them to say no to strangers.

BACK OFF FFS. Apparently not doing this sort of crazy thing would be neglecting the safety of children. Will not having a policeman on every street corner watching everyones every move at all times of day also be neglecting the safety of children.

Good heavens. Not every single person on this planet is a child molesterer, and there may even be some people who find watching children play in the park a joy to behold, without malicious intent. I certainly find watching the children of today playing somewhat calming and relaxing. Does this mean I am a paedophile? No it doesn't.

I'm quite sure that not being able to wonder through a park at my own leisure and take in the sights, including children playing is really a violation of my human rights. There doesn't seem to be such a thing as freedom anymore. Certainly not in my eyes. Perhaps if Children weren't wrapped up in cotton wall as it were they'd be more streetwise anyway, and wouldn't be at such a high risk from nasty people.

It actually makes my blood boil. If it's happened in this one area, then likelihood is it will happen in more areas, and then eventually there will be a policeman on a street corner every second of the day and night watching everyones every move. If that does happen I'm sure there is no way that everyone would be completely protected. Let people deal with the idiots around them by themselves. Let us have a bit of freedom. Stop smothering us with all this safety crap. We all have the ability to asses situations ourselves. We all have a little something called common sense. We will take our own risks, and face the consequences of our own risks.

Thank you very much
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Solitary confinement - alone in a world you created on your own?

I wrote this on, I think, 28th August, around 3 o'clock ish. However I have since misplaced it, but will write it as if I was there.....

Here I am sat in a Leisure Centre, supervising 26 French kids. However I am not worried about these kids. They all get along great, and seem to be integrating with the English children who are also here rather well. My attention has turned to the little English boy.

He was happily attempting to play tennis with some of the other English boys. He's clearly one of those children that just can't get to grips with sports. Much like I was, although I never made the effort, wheras he is making th effort. Anyway, these other English kids were making snide comments about the boys ability, and when other came over to play they tossed him aside like a piece of rubbish. He went to play table tennis with some of the French girls, but again was not all that good. It appeard from where I was sat that they were very encouraging, but being on your own with some French ladies, well it can't be an easy task. He continues to flit between groups, but doesn't appear to fit in anywhere. It's very sad indeed.

There is always one. There is always somebody that doesn't quite fit in. That is alienated form the group. In this case the only thing the boy has done "wrong" is by not playing sports quite as well as some of the others. He hasn't been rude or obnoxious. He has made efforts.

It makes me wonder. We are all alone. We are all living proof of that, but I often wonder whether at some stage we were not all alone. If at some stage we were actually far more alike and were far more able to relate and empathise with oneanother. It's clear in this boys case that somewhere there is a sense of belonging, the want to relate to and converse with others. To share experiences. Did suddenly while the human race was developing the wrong word get put in somewhere, meaning that kabow. Somebody suddenly has this whole new perspective on things that they could not control or understand. Did this esculate and is the reason that we are all now alone because over years we have been pushed aside for the better deal. The kid who can play sport?

As the brain and mind has developed over time then are we constantly fighting the hurt whilst at the same time loging to belong, leaving us in no real state of security, without us even knowing.

Anyway, it upsets me to see the boy wondering around on his own, desperately trying to fit in somewhere. In fact I want to cry. I'm emotional these days and feel myself about to well up at any given opportunity, so is that part of my conditioning? Is that part of me wanting to belong, and yet fighting it every step of the way.

Poor kid. I'm not so sure that we create our worlds on our own. I wonder how much this experience will affect this kid. Whether he will end up a recluse, or a complete extrovert to cover up the damage. Will he even realise where the damage comes from? Will anyone?!

All the 2's and 3's

The title doesn't actually represent anything that I am about to type, for I don't actually know what mindless dribble is going to come out today. I have of late kept myself to myself. I stopped writing and doing things that gave me a means of escape from the world because I found an even greater means of escape. Yes, work, that old chestnut.

While one preoccupies them self with work, and little play time, life, while rather dull, never seems to seem to bad. Mainly because if ones mind is preoccupied they don't have to deal with minor...or even major issues surrounding them. I've never been sure if this sort of thing is good or bad. Either way, ones mind becomes frustrated. When it comes to work work work the mind doesn't have time to relax, to think. To bring up the issues that lay dormant in ones mind for a time. The body doesn't get a chance to recuperate fully, and after a short spell of working continually you feel lifeless, lack motivation, and in some cases go dolally. When it comes to no work at all, this leaves a great deal of thinking time, and one can be overloaded with a vast array of thoughts and emotions; swamped, trapped, eventually void, numb, lifeless, lacking in motivation, and of course, in some cases, doolally.

So what is this balance thing all about? Is it actually possible ot have abalance between work and rest that is entirely suitable? I don't believe that there is. Firstly work, as we know it, is repetative, full of scheduale and routine, and I don'r believe that the mind was made to deal with routine. Nature is random on the most part, yet mathematically sound. By being mathematically sound it has structure, but by being random it is balanced. You see too much structure and routine turns everything dumfound. I don't know how, or if I am right, I'm just writing my usual nonsense dribble.

I dare you to spend a day or two living solely off the earth. No house, a tent if you must, but building a shelter out of ingredients lying around you is even better. Eating berries off trees and bla bla. It's difficult because you have become acustomed to the life you lead. The one where everybody tells you what to do and how to live your life. Even if you think they don't, in subtle ways they do. But live in the randomness of the natural world and a whole host of possibilities are layed out before you.

Really if I am honest I am tired, rambling and don't know how to convey my thougths to anyone outside of my head. I'm giving it a go though, but it's no strongpoint of mine. Tata for now x

Smile at your weaknesses,

and laugh at your fears.

That's it. In the age of life where we are surrounded by badness, where we have fear drummed into us from every single angle, it's about time that we stopped and thought for a moment about what we are doing to ourselves.

So often people miss out on things because for whatever reason they are scared of something. We are scared because someone else was scared, or we were told it was scary. We were told we wouldn't be able to do it, we were told that we would be scared. And damn right we will be scared. But it's only when we let go of our fears and inhibitions that we really can start to live properly, and live the life that we want.

Take the plunge every once in a while. Do something crazy. Give up your job? Move abroad? Even something silly like going away for a weekend on a whim when you will be going alone and with no money. And when you feel the fear start creeping up on you, and the doubt starts pouring in just laugh.

I don't know much about the crazy world I live in, but what I do know is that nothing is good for anyone and everything is good every one. So start living life in the fast lane.

As for a weakness, when you are confronted with a mere weakness all you need to do is smile. Smiling funnily enough lifts your mood as much as laughing....do both, why not.

Don't be afraid, for all the trials and tribulations of life are just life. No more and no less.

Thanks for the comment....

"As I got to their house all of the lights turned out, and I walked past."

Haha thats a definate no then isnt it! lol.

"It's amazing when one person you really want in your life so much seems to have deserted you,"

Again.. LOL; theres a lot of that going around... not good to have it shoved in your face tho is it?

"Why can't everyone get what they deserve.....and that's to be happy.....real happy."

This is rel life thats why.. dont questoin it just get on wit it. Thinking is time wasting, doing is its own reward.

D'ya think that asking why about everything ... especially questions with no solid answers gives you an entitlement to be happy? Dont... your misry stems from you wantin to be happy, perpare for dissapointment and you will be suprised. Stop chansing after your ex boyfreind like a psycho and move on and move up.

Also enjoy the rain!

Well thank you very much. I think it's fair to say that whoever you are you seem to have got your back up about my last post. I didn't ask for you to read it.... what's all that about people being deserted and having it shoved in their face? I'm sorry to say that I never shoved anything in anybody's face. Nor did I mean to offend anyone in any way. I was merely having a moan....it's my blog and I can moan if I like.

I know what real life is. I also know that there are some people who are really unlucky, really really unlucky, and they deserve so much better. What's wrong with asking questions with no answers? I know I should be looking at why I am asking these questions....I know why I am asking them. I am asking them because I am looking for some good in this world, when mostly all there seems to be is doom and gloom. Thinking is not time wasting. Thinking broadens your horizons and mind....being closed minded and not open to idea however bizarre or however far from your own view of life is wasting time. And I am doing too....I'm doing an awful lot, too much maybe, but I rest soundly knowing that ina years time I will be exactly where I want to be. One day I will be happy, and I will get there on my own...with my thoughts, through my tests. There's no harm in wanting something, there's no harm in getting something. The only thing there is harm in is hurting people unnecessarily en-route.

Oh, and he's not my ex-boyfriend. Just a good friend (I still believe him to be) who has withstood his test of time and hopefully is now doing very well for himself. I care about him a lot. I made a promise to him that I intend to keep, and I think he knows that. A psycho I most certainly am not. I don't need to move on, or move up, because I no longer wish to rely on anyone, or anything except my own mind!! While I may seem bitter, twisted and weird, I am not.....just slightly frustrated that my efforts and hard work as the moment seem to be getting me nowhere fast!!

GOOD NIGHT!!

The Law of Sods

I've spent many days wondering what to say. I didn't want to go down the usual track of moaning about life's inconsistencies, but the more I think, the more they seem to appear to me as if by magic. It's as if I attract them. By means of the law of attraction perhaps I think too negatively of these inconstancies, and therefore they keep coming at me.

I'd like to point out right about now that I know I am not the only one suffering from life's inconsistencies, and I don't even think there is an answer for them. If there were a real answer, with all the mathematical equations and physics and geometry and cosmology thing to be solves, just like the guys who try to find infinity, the person setting themselves the challenge to work out what exactly goes on, with a view to getting it pin-point, would go insane.

My pet hate is the fact that what good people do is rarely recognised as such. And it seems that nobody ever gets what they deserve. Bad things happen to good people...it's written into Sod's Law. Good things happen to bad people. Again that's written into Sod's Law. And Sod's law is sent here to try us. To baffle us, to make us wonder. Why is it exactly that people don't notice what good people do, and yet as soon as someone does something bad suddenly people start to take notice. I know I live in a doom world. SOmething bad happens and hit hits the news like a tonne of bricks. But how often do you hear the good things that people do? Next to never.

Even Nelson Mandela, who I think is an amazing guy, well he went to prison for his efforts....crazy!! See what I mean?

Anyway, it is the law of the sod that rules me, and I will now waffle on about my last few months, weeks and days in an attempt to show this. If you think I have made a valid point and don't wish to hear my moans, then feel free to stop reading around about now.


I should feel amazing. I should. I deserve to feel amazing, but not to the law of the Sod.

Last month I gave up my time, and in a sense my lively hood for a few weeks to enable someone else to produce life. I gave away something that was mine, something that some do not have, and it's possibly one of the greatest gifts I think I could ever possibly give. You'd think that I'd have hd a slight reward for doing so? But no, in the weeks afterwards I felt more miserable than I'd ever felt. I did what only I know how to do best, and that was to throw myself back into work. The times I spend at work mean I don;t have to spend them alone, and bizarely I am happier when I am working, though I always long for a day off.

And you know what, it seems that the moment I brighten up a little bit, I am hit by some reality check. The idea of working 7 days a week is an idea that means that I would have some spare cash to myself to spend. I've not really been clothes shopping for a good two years, I actually have no shoes as they have been destroyed to myself, and I would love to be able to go out and buy a whole new wardrobe. Hence working so much, for the spending money. Oh but wait. I drive along one day and my tyre bursts....and so I have the palava of fixing that, and then a week or so later I take my car to the garage to get a new clutch. Mine had been going for quite some time, and I need a car when I start working properly. SO I took it in, gets it fixed, and how much was is.... £300 + a bit more. And then, two days later, there I am, happily driving along, with someone in the car behind me flashing me and pointing down....deep joy, what's wrong now? It's only my bloody exhaust all nice and wobbily....guess what I've got to fix that now too.

There was one really incredibly fab day at work. And when I say really i mean REALLY REALLY. It was possibally one of the best shifts I'd ever done, and I wanted nothing more than to share it with none other than the amazingness. It's been a while since we had two-way communication, but I really wanted to tell the amazingness all about my day. I could think of no-one better to tell than them. So I decided about half way home from work that I would go and see them. Afterall, I had conquered a huge fear that morning, and figured I could do another one. So I think YES, yes Ash. By time I got there I was a wreck. Every part of my body had turned to Jelly. I was sweating buckets, I was hot, I was cold, I was breathless. I was past butterflies and into nausea, but I still drove up to the house. There were no cars there, so I drove past and went home. It's not the first time I've gone that way, and felt like that. I tried a week or so earlier, while I was walking through the estate we live on, I decided I could stop by and say hello. I was particularly down, and just needed someone to chat to...well, a shoulder to cry on more like. As I got to their house all of the lights turned out, and I walked past. It's amazing when one person you really want in your life so much seems to have deserted you, and yet you feel that even if they hurt you so so much, you still want them there. I know I do, but that's a story for a rainy day.

Sunday will be my first proper day off for a while, and although I am going to do what I would have been doing if I was working, the weather is going to be miserable. Well that's just great. All I wanted was a nice picnic, some live local talent and some time to chill....I'm not letting the weather stop me though....I shall be unbeated by the law of the sod here.

Finally, supposedly you get what you give. And perhaps karma will get all those nasty people back in the end. Perhaps in their afterlife...but is it so much to ask for a chance to be happy? I look at people that seem happy enough, and wonder why with everything I;ve done for others I'm not that happy.....I know why. It's because all my grand plans in the making are ruined by the law of the sod. The cosmos doesn't seem to recognise my good deeds, and I take it to heart.

Why is that? Why can't everyone get what they deserve.....and that's to be happy.....real happy. If only I understood it with pin point precision.....

Philosophical survey

Do humans carry souls?
I do believe that they do. The soul is the gateway to life.

What about animals?
They are alive are they not. They also have a soul. Every living thing has a soul.

Was September 11th a government conspiracy?
Well......I think there is a lot more to it than meets the eye. There does seem to be something rather fishy about it. And I wouldn't put it past them.

Do you believe a plane actually hit the pentagon?
NO, I've seen the hole, not big enough. Too many different eye witness stories and cover ups for a definite answer though.

Are the methods the U.S. is using to handle illegal immigration satisfactory?
I don't know enough about the the US immigration system to make a comment......but I have a feeling that they are probably not.

Do you think that John F. Kennedy's assassination was a government conspiracy?
God, yes. He was a good guy, it was the day when history stopped, and opened up the world of media coverage for a start. But that's not why it was done. He was not one of them, he was a doo gooder, and in the interests of the US this was not what was wanted......

Do you believe that the moon landing in 1969 actually happened?
I don't think it did. I've seen that programme, I saw it ages ago, it said we'd have to wait 10 years to find out the actual answer....I expect most people have forgotten, but it must be nearing 10 years by now.

Do you believe in ghosts?
Yes, I do. Well, spirits and things. There are a lot of unexplained phenomena of the mind body and soul, so it's something that certainly can't be ruled out!

Can subjection to violence in media lead to violence in the real world?
I think violence is something that an individual has control over.... just because the see someone else doing it doesn't mean they are going to use it. I think there are a lot of repressed people in the world, and it's unfortunate that for some this is the only only means they think they have to express themselves.

Did O.J. Simpson murder his wife?
Maybe, maybe not. I don't know the full story, who does?!

Do you believe going to war in Iraq was the right thing to do?
No way. It's an illegitimate, injust war in my opinion, and should never have begun. Why people can't sit and talk rationally to come to solutions on such matters I don't know.

Can we as people ever co-exist with each other peacefully?
We could, one day. I think it will happen eventually, but with so much inequality it's a long way off. I wait for the day when money is not an object, and people aren't out for personal gain. I guess it's up to each individual to realise that we are all one.

Do you believe the course of our lives are pre-determined by unseen/unknown forces?
I believe that there is something beyond our comprehension. I have no idea what it is or it it influences our lives. We choose options, but I don't know what course of events leads up to these options. I think we all have a start point and an end point, but how we get to these points, well everything happens for a reason in my books....so that something must have some influence.

Has democracy made the world a better place?
Nope. It serves the masses, and only the masses. It doesn't suit everyone, and I think it's sad that some of the worlds most beautiful have to miss out on things because of democracy.

Was the governments reaction to Hurricane Katrina acceptable?
It was far too slow, and not enough was done to help, but then that perhaps has something to do with the fact that they were part of a disposable population of people.

Are celebrities punished justly for crimes they commit?
No way. Not only do they get off lightly, they get media attention, which makes it worse. Those people in the public eye should be punished for what they have done in line with what ordinary people get. No more, no less. They are not special, they are just people.

Can we ever win the war on terror?
It's terrorism that was created by the invasion of people privacy, and until certain countries stop believe that they are better than everyone else, and know better, it will never stop. In fact I don't believe that there is a real war on terror....it's just fear mongering, and made up to justify doing something very wrong.

Are professional athletes over-compensated for their abilities?
While I am sure they train very hard to keep there bodies in peak physical condition, they are not special. They are just people that represent their country in a certain way. There are many people that have done good in the world, given up their own lives to save others, but we don't hear anything about them, do we?

Did the fabled people of Atlantis ever exist?
I do think there is some truth in the Atlantis story. But if it's a metaphorical place or a physically real place I don't know. Maybe it's a place that everyone has certain access to. I've never been there or seen it, so I'm not in a position to comment. However I would like to think that if it's not been around before, it's where we are headed.

Are there other intelligent beings in the universe?
It's very nieve to think that with the universe being as huge as it is that we are the only intelligent beings. There has to be something else out there somewhere. But they may be too far away for us to ever find out. Perhaps there is someone millions of light years away doing exactly the same as I or you are right now.

Should the 1st Amendment protect all forms of expression, including those that may be offensive or harmful to others?
Yes, everyone should have the right to freedom of expression. It's inevitable that somebody will always be offended by something, it's up to the person on the receiving thing how they want to perceive what has been said, and their reactions are their own. Think, feel and say what you want.

Is it better for one innocent man to be sent to death or 5 murderers to be pardoned?
I don't believe that any innocent person should be sent to their death. It's a very difficult question to answer though. But both happen way too often. Evidence can be manipulated to frame people, and in some ways I think the system used to identify those innocent and those guilty are wrong. But who's to say I am right. But I stick with the idea that no innocent man should loose their life, for any reason.

In the case of homosexuality, do you believe it's sin?
It's only a sin in the mind of the beholder. I personally can't see anything wrong with it. Surely a world filled with love and homosexuality is better than a world filled with hatred and heterosexuality. It's up to the individuals involved at the end of the day. People should be prejudiced against for what they do. You don't have a go at someone because they love art, and you love sport. So why have a go if they like people of the same sex when you like people of the opposite sex? The only sin here is trying to repress people in the name of religion.

Can the human race ever help the planet Earth to recover from the ecological damage it has suffered?
The human race don't need to help planet Earth. The only reason they would need to help planet Earth is to save their own skins. Nature is very clever, and works in weird and wonderful ways.....watch this space. You'll see.

Will race/ethnicity always be an issue amongst differing peoples?
It will for a while. Because of media you see. Media fuels hatred into people. Until people stop reading and listening to complete nonsense and start making their own minds up about people, whatever their race or ethnicity it will be an issue. This is mostly down to double standards in all walks of life.

Are you for or against abortion?
Personally, except for exceptional circumstances, I am against it. Too many people see it as a method of contraception these days, and it's unjust. If someone has been raped or abused and become pregnant as a result then I don't have a problem with it. However, if someone has got drunk, had sex on a whim and ended up pregnant, then they should deal with the consequences. If you are "grown-up" enough to have sex, then you are grown-up enough to raise your child.

Are you for or against capital punishment (i.ethe death penalty)?
It's a very difficult thing to make an opinion about, and my mind about such things changes all the time. Many innocent people have been trialed and sent to death due to a lack of, or manipulation of evidence. And as getting the correct person can never really be guaranteed, even with today's tools, and tests, I don't think it's right. If someone really has done something terrible, I have no problem with sending them into prison to remain until they breathe their last breath. Even putting them in solitary confinement.....but the death penalty I think is a bit extreme.

Do you practice any form of religion? Why?
No. I follow my own mind. I do not need a book based on thousand year old practices to tell me what I can and can't do in my life. While I am interested in the inner workings of religions and respect that people find comfort in such things, I don't think it's really for me.

Do you believe that the writings in the bible can still apply to today's world?
Yes and no. They are based on thousand year old practices and really need to adjust to the times. Society and people have changed. It should be up to the person to interpret the instructions and do such things though....there are parts of these books that should be rewritten, and someone also needs to tell those religious people that the contents should be read metaphorically, and not to take everything they read so literally!

Has religion made the world a better or worse place?
Neither. I don't think religion can be blamed for what's going on in the world. So we are told all these wars are done in the name of religion, but what religion teaches people to hate others so much? They don't teach people to do bad. And people need to be taught to respect other people's beliefs.

It's about time...

We all sat down and took a good look at ourselves.

What I mean by this is, nobody really knows what they are really interested in. If they do really know what they are interested in, do they know why they are interested in it? I put it to you that if you think you are interested but have no answer to the question why, then you are actually not that interested. Does that sound a bit odd? It's just my opinion, but I hope you can see my point.

The point is, that nobody knows anything about anyone anymore....nobody shows an interest as the amazingness told me. Even if someone does show and interest, they might not actually be interested at all. No-one can know anything about anyone, because the vast majority of people don't know anything about themselves. If you know nothing about yourself then how can you share yourself with someone?

When people are lost they tend to suddenly delve straight into their "interest" as a form of escape, and can get so entangled in their interest that nothing else matters. A piece of information, a hobby, a person...anything. We all get lost from time to time and while we are concentrating on something other than becoming found, we think we are found. The reality comes about when eventually the question why pops up. The question why that doesn't have an answer. It cannot be "just because". We can do anything and everything "just because", but "just because" is so weak it's uncanny. Have you ever thought what it is about your interest that has made you interested in it. Why it has such a strong hold of you? Why you can think of nothing else but that interest. Why you can happily obsess over that interest for hours?

I don't think I have a real interest. There are things that every so often burn a flame inside me, and let me shine my ever fade light once again. In fact those things there I obsess over...even if they are bad for me....

I've actually now lost track of what I was going to say, so I'll give up for now....I'm easing myself into this blogging lark. Today I suddenly picked up the will to type....

6 months down

Ever get that feeling that six months of the year have passed and you've done nothing with them. 6 whole months and nothing, so by the end of the year the chances are nothing will have happened, and that's another year of your life wasted...so why bother in the first place? Why not just curl and die, not something you do every day is it.....well technically it is.

Stop leaving

It's safe to say that history repeats. I don't need to evidence that. It's always around, always about, always blatantly obvious. Some people don't notice it, but some do.

I do notice a few things. This means me being wrapped up in my head for a little while, but people keep leaving.

Ive had a string of good friends. In fact in terms of being homeward bound, it's only the people that have left that ever were good friends, barr the odd one or two. Being homeward bound makes me happy. I like being in Thetford. I like being at home. I don't understand why. I don't exactly get along that well with my parents, though I love them I suppose. In fact sometimes I'm not sure that I do. But shhhhhh. I much prefer my little brother and my nan if I am honest.

Anyway, I do feel like I am being left behind. Except one or two....no, really just one, everyone else has left. My best friend from school got married and left the country. My adopted big brothers, who for a while I spent every spare momemnt I had with, well all three of them left....not in one go.....but none of them are close by. There was a guy who fled the country. There was a boyfriend who simply dissapeared, supposedly out of the country, but a few months after they supposedly left the country they actually did, and then I found out. And then there was the greatest person I've ever known....and guess what, they fled the town and moved far away.

Okay, so thats where I wallow in it. I often wonder if perhaps there is something that wrong with me that people need to go so far away to get away from me. I know that's a bit extreme, but it has crossed my mind before. I also know that thinking that way is wrong. The time for pastures new comes up in everyones life, and undoubtedly for some, moving away and making a fresh start somewhere is what happens. And while I am genuinely happy for all those friends that have come and gone, and who I've seen change an come along in leaps and bounds, I can't help but feel that I am going to get left behind.

This is slightly hypocritical though. I for one have no intention of being here, or even in this country in two years time. With all my hopes and dreams of which really is only to travel, I don't suppose when the time comes it will matter. It wont matter who has come and gone all tht will matter is that I am off. Living my own dream.

I often find myself thinking about the friends that have walked away. I sometimes winder what they are doing, and of course, as is only natural, what would be happening if they were still here now. It takes a while, but you do eventually realise that your only one true friend is your own mind. Lets hope that doesn't decide to take of sometime soon too - haha

The Lighting of a Candle

I was in London yesterday, and had a peek inside St Mary's Church. It's a pretty little church next to Westminster Abbey, and both my nan and myself lit a candle each.

I lit mine in the hope that it would bring light into a certain persons life after what seems like a long string of bad times. May that little light burn inside them, and fill them with good times, happiness, joy, laughter, and the nice and good things that this small world has to offer at present.

I suppose it's the thought that counts.

Nostradamus videos

Sorry, unlike the last few there isn't a video for the whole thing, so I have posted in parts....in the right order too












Part 8 is missing because I can't find it. I think that's the part where they start looking towards the end of the world, but you wont miss out on too much by not seeing it just keep looking out for it on The Histiry Channel because I am sure it will be on again.

The Lost Book Of Nostradamus

You know how every now and then you watch a documentary and sort of wish you hadn't. Well I recorded The Lost Book Of Nostradamus quite some time ago, and had a spare hour & half today, so thought I'd watch it.

I found it absolutely fascinating, but at the same time it sent shivers down my spine. As I watched the video I felt like it was talking to me, and like I was being watching. Every unexpected sound in the house made me jump, but I was compelled to continue watching.

I was thinking as I watched this about the Law of Attraction. So generally they say that you can attract anything to you, if you ask for it, and believe that you have it already. If this is the case then it will come. Generally it only seems to have an effect on the person, or on another person if it results in a positive happening for the person asking. Negative thought though is much more powerful than the positive. Negative things keep coming, until a person can change themselves to bring on power within for the better.

This lost book of Nostradamus contained images. These made me think about those sigils things that the Grant Morrison guy mentioned in the video I watch with the amazingness some time ago. Magik things. Not watched it since I watched it with the amazingness, but it suddenly popped to mind while watching the documentary.

Well here's the video for that if anyone is interested....



Anyway, I was thinking about such things. And they both sort of do the same thing, so can they work together simultaneously? The lost book is full of pictures and paintings that prophecies the future. Although nobody actually knows who the illustrator is, and that it actually is to do with Nostradamus himself, his name is mentioned in the book, and these paintings seem to relate to the manuscript Les Propheties.

Of course, with the popularity of the Law of Attraction, and magik as it is today it gets you thinking. If a person has written to prophecise the end of the world, and drawn pictures to show that the end of the world is going to happen, then could the power contained within those pictures, writings and the individual be enough for it to come true?

Apparently after the 9/11 attack the most popular search term on the web was Nostradamus. The symbolism attached to the drawing in the lost book, like many things before and since, point to 2012 to be the year of the apocalypse. And as more people become interested in the events that are leading up to 2012, and the awareness of 2012 picks up, could this mean that people are actually attracting it.

Could people be the ones that are bringing the apocalypse for having believed in the apocalypse.

I'll post the Lost Book of Nostradamus videos in a separate blog post. but if you listen to it, it does bring out a somewhat convincing argument of the 2012 apocalyptic end...or indeed beginning. But then, have they come about 2012 as the date because so many people before hand have, particularly the Mayans. 2012 has been thrown about for an age now. Most people are aware of it. The Mayan calendar ends here, but is it possible that it could start going backwards with a whole new world of enlightened beings. The apocalypse doesn't necessarily mean that suddenly we are all going to drop off the planet. It could be the beginning of some very exciting times ahead. Just maybe.

I think I am getting away from the point of my post. But could Nostradamus have used his words, and these paintings that came from his words to create these things......rather than them just happening.

According to Nostradamus the world will end in 3797, hence why 2012 could be a leap forward in the development of humankind, as apposed to death and destruction. Perhaps the speed at which climatic events, natural disasters and war are spreading at the moment....well could be a big wake up call, but not in the typical sense. Perhaps it serves not as a warning, but as an awakening. And yes, they might be the same thing near enough, but they do have key differences. A warning is just that. A warning. You don;t have to take notice, though you probably should. An awakening, wakes you up to what is going on.

It's a little like tat thing that the amazingness used to tell me, and that's that you have to suffer to find who you are. Not his exact words, I might add, but that was the general gist of it. So perhaps all this is happening to lead up to 2012 to awaken all of us. Whether this will be a good or a bad thing I don't know.......

Anyway, that was my though, If enough people believe that they are going to die in some big catastrophic event, then they will.......

Humm....I wonder......

I was walking the dogs with my nan today. We were chatting about various bits and things and rubbish, and then suddenly, from out of nowhere she asked me this question:

Ashley, are you lonely?

She's always asking me odd questions. I put it down to me not being your typical 22 year old. I don't go out. I don't really speak to anyone that much. I dote on one person that I don't really even have contact with anymore. I guess it isn't normal is it?!

AM I lonely? Well I replied, I am to the extent that I don't really have any friends nearby, but I am alright on my own. But I do wonder if I do. I was just watching a programme. In this programme someone said somethign about changing dramatically when you have lots someone to ease this loss. I've not really lost anyone. I lost my gt nan, and I miss her terribly, but this can't have changed me as a person. And then I was thinking....do you have to loose someone on a physical level (i.e. they die) for this to happen. Have the events of the last year or so had more of an effect on me than I think. Right from the first time I had thought I lost that special person. Over and over I felt that they were gone. Gone for good. It was the easiest thing to think. I used to laugh it off, and say to people that everything would be okay in a few days. I'm not sure that I ever believed it. And then there is now. And I sit in my room munching on chocolate because I am a typical girl. Something goes wrong and we eat chocolate to compensate. It works.....well until the bar is finished with.

I'd never needed anyone before. Unlike the majority, I never had a need to belong somewhere. I hadn't ever felt what it was like to feel that I really truly belonged. And then suddenly I did. I did. I felt that I belonged almost instantly. And then I knew what it was like. And while I still believe that I am okay, and will cope just fine and dandy on my own...I want that back. I want to belong to them again. So very very much.

I am not usre whether or not I am loosing a grip on myself. I've wrote recently about my identity crisis. And I know that everyone has them from time to time. I know the chances are that with everything that's happened I am most likely to remember the bad bits, because they have greatest impact. Remembering the bad stuff it seems should make something easier to forget. To cover up. To replace with another experience. Why does our mind do that? Rather than working through things, it simply just replaces experiences. It never forgets them. And then when something similar comes along, it brings forth all of these things out of the filing cabinet. Why doesn't it forget. And why can ones head not be filled with nice stuff. If I really try hard I can remember everything nice that's ever happened....but it does take almighty effort. Anyway...the thing being is that the bad stuff that has happened over the last year or so is rather easy to forget. I put it down to the both of us not being in good places on the inside. With two people not feeling right, things don't work. I always had an excuse for the both of us when things didn't work. therefore I only remember the good part, the connections, the immense evenings, and the times when I walked away blissfully happy, like nothing I'd ever felt before.

And then it was gone. Removed from me. And it hurt, it really hurt. I still brush it off.

I tell you a secret. I've never belonged, because I've never opened up. I've never let my guard down. Even now, when you read and think you know how I am feeling, I am not telling the whole story. I never do. I know that people know me as Ashley, go get em'. I'm this lively, wacky lady that always smiles.

I don't know what I am getting at. I guess I am lonely at this very moment in time. Though not helping myself as I choose to sit alone. I choose to do everything alone. I even want to travel on my own. Live on my own etc etc. I am a lone ranger. I always have been. But never before have I had a real feeling that perhaps I am lonley. Perhaps after having belonged for so long....I want to continue belonging.

I know that given the chance...well I could have shown my good side. My lively side and my softy side. I was almost willing to let my guard down and tell things that I never told. And that now I never will.

I am lonely. I am always lonely. I am a lone ranger. I am in solitary confinement, alone in a world I created on my own. It's my world. It's my version of life. It's my mind and imagination that's putting it there. I made it all up. I've got to deal with the consequences. So if I am unhealthy let it be so...I can cope with it this way. I don't think I can cope with letting another in again...so I wont!

Ashley, the good, the bad, the lone ranger!

Norms and values = morality?

Just because something fits in with a cultures norms and values [think sociology] it doesn't make it moral [think philosophy].

I am going to use the old killing chestnut to demonstrate this. Is it okay to kill? Some people would say yes it is. Thinking of perhaps animals, murderers, euthanasia, war. Other people would say no. Thinking of innocent people, animals, murderers, euthanasia, war. It's generally innocent people that seem to be killed in an immoral way. Innocent people that have no need to be dead, because they've done nothing wrong.

In some places this is a common everyday occurance, and in those places perhaps it's not as much of a taboo subject as it is in our Western Culture. The Samurai for example used to take their own lives becuase they were ashamed of something they had done. And it was done rather regularly everywhere. I think they stabbed themselves while someone else chopped off their heads or something like that. Thus it was okay to kill.

Suicide rates are on the increase and that says something doesn't it. Perhaps more people are seeing things, and yet they know, or feel, that they have no control and have no other option. I think those who commit suicide are a little on the selfish side. I think they are only thinking of themselves. I don't feel that they think about the impact that it has on their friends and family. And it does. I feel sorry for them in the sense that thy felt they had no other choice.

War is one of those funny arguments, that wont ever really be solved. War is a beast. Those who fight in the war, do they deserve to be killed? To the enemy, they are the enemy, they are shooting at them, they will shoot back. If they get killed, then it' s not immoral. However those that are fighting have been told that they have to. Do they want to? Do they feel it's right? You could say that that is what they joined the forces for. Many join the forces because it's an easy route into some sort of career. It shows that you have many qualities, making a job as a civilian slightly easier to find. Innocent people get killed in wars too. It's not just those who fight is it. And what is the reason for fighting? What does it solve?

Murderes do it. Murder I feel is immoral. but some murderers wont see it that way. Perhaps they believed something, and saw something that we don't. What gave them this idea to kill in the first place. Self-defense is okay I guess, but you'd have to have put a lot of force into your self defense to kill. Says you are capable of it.

There's euthanasia too. Is it moral or immoral to help someone end their life. If they are suffering from a terminal illness, is it so bad. There are places around the world you can't do it. Places that you can. It's a bit of a taboo. It seems that it's okay to put animals out of suffering but not humans....and why is that?

Anyway...there are all kinds of things that happen, that whether they are normal or not, or valued or not....well some are, and some are not moral.

What is moral to you?

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From Pomoworld: Let it crumble

Everything is approaching its' pinnacle. These elections will be the biggest joke in history, we know that. These wars will accelerate and kill more, we know that. Our economy will collapse, we know that. Our whole solar system is rapidly changing, we know that. Our entire system of how we "live" here on our Mother Earth is crumbling, so let it crumble. Real change cannot come about if any part of the old system is left intact. So, let it crumble. Do not use your energy to focus on all the negativity and how fucked up it all is, rather see this as the necessary first step towards our new paradigm. It is through the upcoming chaos that a new time will arise. It may seem scary and hectic at points, but we know that we have the power of creation on our side. We are going with the flow of the cosmos, whereas "they" are going against it; we are clearly on the "winning side".

I personally know I am here to raise the human consciousness as much as possible before the shift, and that is what I'm trying to do. So as we move our focus away from the "victim" state and raise our vibrational rate by realizing that we have all the power within us to change whatever we like, the new paradigm will come into clearer view. I am not suggesting, however, that we just sit and meditate on happiness while people are outside screaming. Everyone of us who is aware of this process has the personal responsibility to "free" as many minds as possible. Not by force, of course, but by Love. Lead by example, as they say. Show them that we indeed have the power within us and that Love is the only Truth. The simple transition from "victim to victor" will do the trick. People need to know that they should not and need not rely on anyone else, for anything. Yes, some people seem "hopeless", but don't stress, it is not the quantity of consciousness, rather the quality. And the Law of Allowance comes into play here. Everyone has free will, so let them do as they want. You are simply a tool for them, and if they discard you now, then maybe the next time around they'll listen to some other form of you.

This is all covered in the book, "Handbook for the New Paradigm" which you can have sent to you for free at No More Hoax's.com
It's worth a look, and very well may change your life.

We are all points of awareness in the human consciousness, so lettuce try to encourage as many other points to become aware as possible, and that shall be our mission.

We ARE God, We ARE Creation, We ARE Love... so let's start acting like it.

The question following from this:

Do you or have you experienced this process to be hard on your mind as you let go of old ideas? I am learning new things and in the process am having alot of emotional fucked up ness.. excuse the word.. but if you read my blog .. the fuck its.. this is where I'm at.. What is wrong with me?!!!!!!

And then the response:

Absolutely. My mind is and has gone through so much this past year and it's really hard to keep things straight; mostly because a spiral isn't straight. As for you, there is nothing wrong. Our minds have been conditioned for centuries to think one way, and we are now, very quickly, unlearning all that ish and remembering all the good stuff. It's a process, and one that you can trust. Things are so confusing these days and there is so much information floating around, it's hard to know if you're going crazy or or the world is. But the thing is, crazy doesn't exist. And more importantly, wrong doesn't exist. The real question is, "what's right with you?", and the answer is everything. You are evolving minute by minute and you won't be able to see the reason for all these changes until it has come to fruition. Things may seem very bad at one moment, but in the next it all makes sense. This time of chaos is just one moment, one age, and the next will bring understanding. Until then, go with the flow. Creation is on your side

This one's quite interesting too....

Another of the documentaries I've watched this week is called the Human Footprint.

It basically gives you an idea of the consumables an average human gets through. How much food and drink...how much sick....how much shit....how much bog roll. They've even delved into the average amount of times we have sex in our lives. Of course, some of you sex crazed maniacs out there will have it far more than the 4,239 amount of times I'm sure.

Anyway it's quite interesting to see the whole of our lives mapped out in front of us. It also pains me to say, that for now, this is all life for us is.....sex and stuff!

No time like the present

I think, being in the state that I am in in the moment, that it's about time. I said a couple of days ago that I feel like a teenager, and I really do. I seem to recall at some point feeling ever so lonely, and feeling that the whole world was against me. Like nobody knew me, and nobody cared. In a way I feel like this now. I've felt it for the past few days. Over the past week it seems that my mum has been been telling me what I do and don't like. What I do and don't do. What I am and what I am not. What I have and what I don't. And yet, she doesn't have a clue.

I don't talk to her. Mostly because my pride and ego get in the way. But sometimes, everything she does and says just irritates the life out of me. No matter what it is she is saying, or who she is saying it too. I just feel myself getting frustrated every second. I hide in my room mostly at the moment. It just saddens me that someone who should know you knows nothing. I get very little credit from her, and for some reason I have to be actively seen to be doing something before someone will notice. I've been told I've not bothered to look for a job. I've applied for a few. I've been told that I've not done any uni work....I have. It's just like the family have no faith in me.

Thing is, mum asks those silly questions. She asks things about Uni and work, neither of which I like to talk about. I know she is just trying to show an interest, but they are simply the wrong things. If I don't like something I want to shut it out of my mind from the moment I stop, until the moment I go back. So I don't want to be asked about what I did at work, or if I had a nice time at work. Chances are I did the same as I did every other day I was at work, and chances are, like every other day it was pretty pants.

Nobody cares what my interests are. And when I say things like philosophy or nature, they just seem to laugh and throw it in my face. My nan thinks this whole philosophy thing is hilarious. Mum likes ot take the P a bit too. I know that this does not fit in with their life interests, but why can they not listen to what I like and why I like it, and respect that? I don't understand.

I've spent a lot of time with the amazingness, and we had many discussions as to why I couldn't speak to him. We recognised it to be my relationship with my father that was the problem. And it truly is. When I went to the football with him last week, I found it incredibly difficult to know what to talk to him about. I really really struggled. But it's not just my dad. Talking to my mum is just as hard. We have walked the dogs a couple of times, been out for a good 40 mins or so, and we've hardly managed to muster up a word to each other. Well...not unless it's some crap about how I have no money and I need to go and get myself a job and stuff.

I try this small talk stuff. This relationship building thing. Talkign about house decorating (because they are both really into it, and I am in the closet about it). Music, football, the dog, the weather.....but everything makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. Worst thing about it is, is that I need to be able to do this for other realtionships in my life to work. I need to crack this problem, that clearly lies within me, to enable myself to build further real relationships, and not meaningless superficial ones.

That doesn't go to say that every relationship I have or have had has is and has been superficial. It just simply means that they are not real. They are not as they should be. Because I cannot communicate with the people closest to me, I cannot communicate with the majority of the rest of people. I can at face value, but as soon as someone means something to me, like the amazingness does, things just generally go a bit kaput.

It was when I was a teenager that I lost my close relationship with both my parents that I had as a young child. Therefore while I feel how I did then, perhaps it's the best chance I have in which to get those back.

Now then....to tackle that problem of that damn ego, and that pride..............