The important things in life

I just read this, and you kno it kinda makes things seem a bit better

TWO GLASSES OF WINE

When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 glasses of wine.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empt y space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important thin gs; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favourite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full."

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "There is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you."

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for
a couple of glasses of wine with a friend."

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I JUST DID

why I hate the world

I thought to myself a little whil ago, nrather than write about how miserable I am, and yes, I am really miserable, I'd write about something much more exciting and cheery! Sarcasm much? Anyway...it's inevitable that I will miss things, and offend somebody. If I offend you, sod off. It's my blog, and I can't write what the hell I like. YOu are welcome to give your opinion, and tell me that the world is a wonderful place, but I don't have to believe you!!

So on with the moan!

First things first, life is boring. It's full of routine from the moment you are born until you die. Occassionally the routine may change a little, pick up pace, loose pace, but it's still routine. Don't get what I mean?

BABY - wake up, cry, eat, shit, sleep etc.
KID - wake up, eat, go school, come home, eat, sleep
YOUNG ADULT - wake up, get ready, go school/college/uni/work, go home, eat, sleep, unless it's the weekend, in which case, go out, drink, take drugs, shag around, sleep.
ADULT - wake up, get ready, go to work, come home, watch tv, eat, sleep.
OLDIES - wake up, eat, shit, sleep.

Does that expain it for you? It's basilcally like that. And whether you work or not as an adult, even if you don't work, you'll still fall into a routine. You'll vists the same places on the same days at the same times, because things just work out like that. Life is one big fat dull routine.

Of course, occasionally there is some spontinuety involved, but spontinuety requires money, money requires routine...you get me?

Once you hate that, it's pretty hard not to hate everything else, because at least ninety percent of everything is routine.

So on with the rest...where do I start? Oh yes, what goes along side routine, is that everyone is working to please "the man" everyone is doing something to fit in their place in society. How dare someone else determine my, or your, place in society. whether it be a secret organisation, the govermnet, the media or just your line manager. how dare they bloody dictate your life to you. what you can and can't do, what you should and shouldn't do. How dare anyone repress anyone.

It all starts in school, where you learn a whole host of nonsense "facts" so you can pass an exam. an exam written by "the man" who knows exactly what you should like to know. The at school your day is set out into mini routines of a timetable. And you are taught how important everything you are doing is, then as soona s the bell goes you must forget that what you are learning is so important, and be on your merry way to learn something else. And you are watched like a horse, everywhere you turn someone is watching you, monitoring your behaviour, and they tell you how you must behave in order to pass this exam. Guess what. That exam determines the rest of your life, so you must listen, and listen good. Don't ask questions though, and don't step out of line. don't use your natural curiosity, because that killed the cat don't you know. No need for the five senses around here. No need for anything other than the ability to listen.

People monitor you everywhere you go. In fact in good old brittannia we live in what's called a survellance society, and we are watched constantly to make sure we are behaving in line with everybody else. do something everso slightly out of the norms and values then hey, they'll be down on your like a ton of bricks, just for looking a bit suspicious. But, this makes me laugh, if someone is lurking outside your house, and you call those wonderful police, put in place to keep law and order, well, they just simply can't do anything, unless the "stalker" actually does something. Crazy, crazy crazy!

where was I? yes, people watching your every move, they know everything you say and do, every call you make, every body you talk to, every one in your circles. Made even easier by the likes of myspace and facebook. Because now most of the answers are in one place!!

Anyway, I'm bored of that bit. what else do I hate?! oh yeah, people. I tell you, life would be so much better if this planet wasn't inhabited with power hungry people. I cn't remember who it was, but some philosopher bloke can up with the theory that all relationships are power relationships. Yes, they really are. Everyoe is always trying to get one over on someone else, even if they don't realise it. This is why some relationships work, and others dont. Some people don't mind being over powered and put in there place, others hate it, and can't stand for anyone to be above them in any sense. Occasionally, some relationships work very well, because they'll both be equally as powerful but at different things. Like, stereotypically, the man does the diy and the lady does the housework. That kinda thing. I'm being most sexist there, but that's the way it goes, that's the genral consensus of men and women. It's all about power....and those ruthless bastards, the really ruthless ones, they don't care who they walk all over to get to the top.

next!!

Ahhh, fuck it, I was on a role there.....but somebody put a smile on my face, and right now, I've not got the power to moan anymore, so I shall have a shower, watch some TV, and moan some more in a couple of days when the smile wears itself out!!

x

A freak & a weirdo

And I don't wanno be one anymore.....

I don't want to be where I am now.....I don't want to be a f**king miserable cow.....

That's all for now folks!!

Today's random thought

And possibally an experiment for the future....

HOw many birds would ir take to lift an aeroplane. would this depend on the size of the aeroplane? or would this depend on the wingspan of the birds in question? The birds strength in flight? would there be enough space for all these birds to fly in harmony? would you need an engine on to help the birds out a little....but would they then get sucked in?

maybe somoene should train up a load of birds and do this experiment....and I'll make it easy....lets making it a boeing 757. Job done


Let the bird trials begin!!

An alien to myself

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this phase of my life, not the only one that's been awaken from a dream of how wonderful life is, or should be. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's forgotten who I am, as I've spent so long trying to fit in amongst other people, and changing to suit what and who is around me.

I guess at some point I lost a grip on who I really am....or maybe I never had a grip on who I really am in teh first place. I mean how can anyone know who they are if they do not know who they are not? I suppose once upon a time I just was. I just existed, and I was just a person, it didn't really matter who I was....perhaps why I never questioned my personality, my bad habits and myself in general.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just in case you may think that, I'm just reflecting on words that I heard recently, knowing that something somewhere has gone ever so slightly wrong. Particularly when this song kinda sums everything up for me...



and the lyrics, in case you can't listen to them....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

YOu know how sometimes you spend so much time trying to please others, family, friends, loved ones, you kinda forget what it is that you want to be doing, and how you want things to be going, and then reach the point where you have no idea what is you and what is them, but you do know that each and every person is dissapointed with some aspect of who you are, and what you have done.

But you can't please everyone...it's just like something you say, no matter what it may be, will always offend someone.

Maybe I'm just thinking far too much into things, but it was a song, I listened, and it was a trigger to a thought. And now, at last, I can blog again, and think about the wonderful stuff, and the crap stuff. There are equal ammounts of both....maybe!!

Anyway, I lostt sight of Ashley....i spent so long trying to fit in, where I really don't, I shouldn't be here....I shouldn't be in this place I am now....but I am...and I suppose I can only be grateful for that....I just don't want to feel lost and alone anymore!

Friends and aquaintances

I've got back online after quite sometime without an internet connection, found myself as facebook as you do, and have started to question goings on in this strange world....

Firstly, at what point does and aquaintance become a friend? what really is it that makes a person a friend. what do you have to know and feel about a person to call them your friend? Do you need to know what it is about them that you like, or can a random stranger be considered a friend?

why does facebook presume that people are "freinds" when often they are just people you happen to know...and more often, someone you have met once or twice. Doees one feel more warmth towards another because they are "friends"?

why are certain people friends with eachother? what is it that brings people together to become friends?

why am I questioning the friendship thing? people are just freinds because they are right? or is there more to it? or should there be more to it?

The time of our lives

I'm thinking, yes, I know, difficult to believe.....

I've recently got back home from Glastonbury Festival. Oddly it's one of the most surreal experiences ever, it never feels like you're there, yet feels like you've been there a whole lifetime. It feels like a completely different world, and yet is in the same world as our own. It's simply amazing, bizarre, utterly fantastic and crazy in one place.

For a few days reality dissapeares, and rather than worry about the stresses that follow many people around like a huge great big black cloud, or trap them in that vast abyss of nothingness, people escape and come together in harmony for one momentus occassion. It is simply magical!!

Oddly, returning to one's home town, actually feels wrong, unlike most other times one has been away, where home seems to call out, on this occasion returning is a sad one. Everything feels different, it doesn't have the comforts of home, but more the uncomfortablness of mundanity, and a lacking of excitement.

Having said that, there is something to think about while sat at home, wathcing telly, and that is that yes, there really is something away from what we know as norm. There really is something else in this world, even if it is only a few days of the year, we'll remember it as a sort of magical healing. An enlightening experience, that happens just at the right time.

Football: a girly prespective

I have been told that girls aren't passionate about anything to be able to talk about football. Or girls don't know enough about football to talk about it. And it's "obvious" that girls should be quiet at all time while the football is on.

All that nonsense set aside, I am a girly girl, and I like football. I don't know who many of the players are, I don't even know all of those in the team I support. I don't know who plays in what position. when they are all running around the pitch I cannot tell who is a defender, or who is a midfielder, or even who is who. I give myself some credit, I understand the offside rule, and I can tell precisely which man running around the pitch is the ref, and who the goal keeper's are...!!!

BUT

Football fascinates me. And no, it's not because there are lots of men running around, sometimes looking a bit dishy, I'm not a leg watcher. what it is, is that these people, and I say people, because women play too, run around after this object. I cannot get over how quickly they must react all the time, and how wherever they are they know exactly who is free, and precisely where they are, or where they will be.

The other thing about football, is that you can be sat in a room full of people, and you'll have nothing in common, but suddenly someone says something about football, and the whole room at least has an opinion, even if they don't like or follow football.

That's why I like it. The skill, the power and the speed of knowledge these guys have!! And yes, it is mainly guys, women's football...I'm sorry to say it, just isn't quite the same!!

Bet your herbal remidies on this.....

Crap-detecting really isn't my forte....and what alarms me about what this guys says is that there is stuff that's so completely obvious about what's happening in the news everyday, and the less people people react to it, the more easily it can happen....

And I wonder why we don't make a stand...EVER. It's a small handful of people that have this power and control, against how many others. De popularisation just means that there are less people to fight.

But what I don't understand about the de popularisation thing is that if there is a will and a want to de popularise, why the Pope dude doesn't say yes to contraception....this makes less babies....however I suppose it also allows more disease to be spread, and lets face it, most of those in power probably get off on killing innocent people who are just living life and do their daily duties.

Have a look at this video if you wish....



It's worrying really, the extent of things that could happen. I'm not saying it's all true, because it might not be....but if it is....

That's the trouble with everything that's available, how do we know what's truth....I mean all these people talk about things that are going to happen, and the conspiracies behind things, but what if things weren't made to happen the way they have, and just fell into it...

Ok, I'm one of these people that finds it hard to believe that one person can stab another in the back, I don't even like to bitch about people, other than to myself, but what really gets me, is how a hand full of people, can completely do over the general people. But then there's a little something inside me that says....well actually, yes they can!!

It's likely to be deleted

So I thought I'd direct you to this post..... and my comment on the subject, being as it was sort of what I was blogging about at the time I decided to have a look at this post....

You've probably told this before, but how did those bloodlines come about?! How did so few people gradually have so much control?! And how did people start realising this through reading books...and then it all exploded on the internet, and suddenly there are conspiracy theorists all over the place that state all this stuff after having done oodles of research, but how did it all start? That's what I wanno know. I don't think Wikipedia can answer this one.

Even if these blood lines came about from looking at stars, how did a few people think that if this, this and this happens, in many years time we can have a complete control over the masses?! How did it all come about?! I know about secret societies and things, but something must have happened surely?! Does it not give you a headache. I try to ignore what's happening in the news, but sometimes intrigue gets the better of me. And sometimes I watch things on this godforsaken internet thing, and it drives me insane.

Anyway, in response to what you have pointed out, nobody would take a conspiracy theorist seriously unless they had done a LOT of research, and still many don't, but for their claim to have any bit of authenticity, they would have had to have had a lot of real info in their. So yes, their claims can be true. People are that nasty, and there is always someone out to get someone because people are territorial creatures, just as much as animals, but it's just because of "law and order" that nobody notices it. They think we are lovely wonderful civilised people that watch TV, and sit and drool, but there's far more to people than what is thought. We are animals at the end of the day, and I hope this being controlled business backfires big time, because I think it's such a shame to have this unnatural burden placed upon our souls.

Don't meddal with what you do not understand, and people were not made to be understood. People were not made to use toilets, they were made to sh!t and p!ss in the f**king trees, then there was some magic, and the evil of the world was revealed. EVILness and DECEIT....that's all these is to be found, and it'll never change, because in effect we are animals, and it's a dog eat dog world, and like any other creature we are bound to the law of survival of the fittest!!

Maybe I'm talking nonsense, it's just my opinion...But those fuckers that think they have control really bloody make me sick to the back teeth...I'd quite like to poke them in the eye...or, being evil, do something much more sinister!!

What is naural about the life we lead?!

People are not, any longer, natural. Maybe you would argue that it's a "natural" evolutionary process that's brought us to this point, maybe it is, but it's all so unnatural it's uncanny.

I've spent so much time divulging into the philosophies and theories behind our evolution. I've look at religion, and the similarities between so many that are not linked, and I wonder to myself how we got here.

Things make my head hurt. They really do. Things like how somebody was sweeping the floor once and thought, if only I had a sucky tube this would be so much easier, and off to work they got working on their new invention. Also, forget what came first, the chicken or the egg?, the question on my mind is what came first, the can or the can opener?

I just wonder how we got to this point. This point where we drive rather than walk/run and where we text rather than talk.

What really gets me though, is how did paper start creating money?! Where did the IMF come from?! Who on Earth thought it would be a good idea?! And those bloodlines...well how did they come about?! Why did somebody suddenly decide that they would take charge, and suddenly own everyone on the planet?! Oh it makes me so angry. The only part of life that really is natural is the conception of a new being. Unfortunately there is so much about the birth now that is unnatural, that you can hardly say it is natural. I mean, it's ok for someone to help pull the baby out, but to give medication to get your body into labour and what not....does that antelope in the wild fields of Africa get given that...?! Erm, no I don't think she does.

But at the end of the day, fundamentally we are all animals. We are as territorial as any other, and it's ok for a mass of people to fight over one piece of land that may or may not belong to them in the first place, on behalf of one man, but it's not okay for a man to fight and kill a man over a woman like deer.....

You see someone in their wisdom, who I'll refer to as god, as "he" seems to pop up a lot in those religious-type books, decided that to keep people good and nice and lovely and wonderful beautiful people, we should have laws to govern them, and those laws will mean that us great natural beings with natural feelings and natural behaviour patterns natural instincts and natural urges would live so much better together.

I suppose in some ways, yes, we do, but at our own expense. To what expense has this had an effect on people?! The world is full of repressed and repressors. And due to the wonderful great monnetary society we have we now spend our lives living in fear of the big people we owe money to. Nobody talks, nobody trades, they buy buy buy and show off their possessions....and fuel the people that control and destroy the masses.

And there are mental effects on us too. I long to live in a tree house and live off the Earth...funny thing being, is that I'd need money to go and live a natural life. It's not unnatural for animals to build houses and shelter, beavers do it, birds do it, but bricks and cement, made by man, to house man, what's it all about?! We shelter from the rain. Skin is waterproof, and it was made waterproof for a reason. Think about all this mind-numbing entertainment that's available these days, I'm sure, had there been none of this stuff we'd have plenty of things to occupy our time with, something like.....surviving the dog eat dog world. That's why some are born weaker than others. The weaker would be sacrificed, perhaps not intentionally, to ensure the survival of their kind. Look at Zebras and Antelope, they get killed by lions, and it's generally the young or injured that are got, but it allows for the survival of the species.

And then there's the species, that in a natural world, would be our predators, and feeding on us, and yet because we've made some mechanical thing to blast of their heads, it's us who have ensured the almost extinction of their species. In a natural world I'm sure it would be the other way around.

I'm rambling nonsense as usual, but it makes sense to me. I just cannot work out for the life of me how we came to this point. This point whereby we are all screaming out for something more than we have, yet many think they have everything they ever wanted [the playstation/big tv/laptop etc]. The thing is, none of this stuff matters, it's irrelevant. There is an underlying knowledge in people that the way we live, isn't right, and isn't natural.

The customer service illusion

I have been unfortunate enough to work in the customer services department of a large retail company, and have noted ever since a few things about the illusion of "good customer service".

The problem now, with customer service is that PEOPLE are transformed from living breathing creatures with a brain and a personality to dull lifeless ROBOTS. These corporate companies give their staff a script, a script that they must stick to, and god forbid what might happen if they skip a word. Do these companies not acknowledge that not only do the advisers have their own brain, the people on the end of the phone have their own brain too?

People cannot be given scripts to follow, because these scripts do not suit every customer that's on that phone.

I recall having to say sorry to every customer, and repeat what they had told me, so that they "knew I was listening". If I didn't listen, would I be able to resolve the problem? Not without asking a million questions and really irritating the customer right?

If the robot starts the query solving with the words "I'm sorry" not only does it bring the tone of the conversation down, but it puts some customers in the position where they feel the need to say something like "it's ok, I know it's not your fault".

Personally I feel the approach should be made to keep the conversation positive and helpful. So maybe saying something like, ok I'll look into that for you...and yadda yadda yadda, bla bla bla. If the customer service adviser knows anything about people, then they will be able to recognise when sorry is appropriate. The worst part about these "sorry" words, is that the adviser feels uncomfortable saying it, sorry is a difficult thing to say when quite frankly you don't give a sh!t if their nightie arrived in time for their weekend away or not. The customer also senses that it's false, they sense that they are talking to a robot, and not a person.

I don't know which chump thought that a script would be a good idea. People have brains, they have personalities, so my god, let them bloody use it, and stop giving me nonsense info every time I call!!

The great outdoors

I want to go camping. I've wanted to go camping for quite sometime. Something appeals about surviving a night or two in the great outdoors with nature at my side. I want to be in the middle of a field gazing up at the stars and marvelling in all their wonder.

Is it me or is there something truly amazing about the nights sky. And to think a few years ago I wouldn't have even cared, and now I'm waiting for the chance to see it in all it's glory, away from the bright street lights of the town. Just me, a blanket and the stars.

Show me the man who can do all this....

And I'll happily give him a chance....if not, they can all sod right off...expect one of them.....

How to Make a Woman Happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynaecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22.... a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31.... creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping!
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50 . not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT: !

54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer

Honestly I don't expect that much to ever come from a man...or a woman for that matter, as humans, we just don't have the mental capacity to be able to do it. I'd be happy with a smile and a cuddle every now and then....just a shame it wont be happening any time soon....!!

Thank goodness we don't all speak one language

Because I swear, if we did I'd end up punching a lot of people right in the nose, or giving them a poke in the eye or a flick on the ear. People don't half talk some nonsense crap, and to be quite honest, I get really annoyed when I walk past people and they are talking about who did what with who and where.

"like...omg...did you hear what she did?!"
"yeah...I know...crazy innit"
"fuck yes...she's well cool"

That kind of nonsense I think is awful. Really, who cares. And why do people insist on talking so loud, like their conversation takes prescience over everyone else's conversation.

It was bliss walking around with a group of 30 French-speaking people. Not understanding a word of what they said. And I remember being quite happy in South Africa listening to people waffling gobbledygook....that's the way the turkey talks after all....I think that Turkey and I will get along just great :) ..... x

What do you really achieve?!

Okay....I'm a student, occasionally I go to university, always I wonder the same thing as I walk in.

What is it with people - girls - that thing going into a lesson is like going into a bloody nightclub. Why do they feel the need to get their best dress and heels on for a lesson?! Is everything now really about pulling....of course that's all that's on the mind of the young at university...pulling and ultimately sex.

I stopped wearing make-up almost 7 weeks ago now, and have sworn only to wear it on the odd night out. I realised that this make-up and dressing up business was always done to impress other people, to make me look more attractive to them, but do you know what I realised. I realised that I hate men...I've always hated men since they became an aspect of my life. They don't have a brain, they are selfish and care about nothing but themselves...and do you know what I put that down to....I put that down to the fact that in whatever capacity, there is always a woman running around for them somewhere.....or a feminine man if they just so happen to be gay!!

So yes, I stopped wearing make-up, I don't have to look good for myself, if my hair looks nice, no matter what my face looks like I feel good. And if I put make-up on when going out I feel like a million dollars!!

I'm not about sex...I don't give one iota, and putting a foot outside the door to me is not a pulling opportunity....I mean really, if you spend hours each morning making yourself feel lovely, then it must take three times that long on a night out for anyone to notice the difference.

I guess it covers up insecurities....afterall, we are told we must look perfect all the time, and I suppose if we don't have hair like Jennifer Ansiton and a body like Beyonce we are not perfect....so technically the planet are full of the most insecure of people, and that's why we cover out bodies with make-up fake tan, and blind me, even bloody clothes. It's tragic....and this is what they call civilization.

I'm not a big fan of civilization!

Making a stew

friend: good luck with your pie
me: it's not a pie it's a stew
friend: stew pie same thing

What does that say to me?? Stewipie...I do miss him muchly.....in fact today I've hd to train myself to write stew and not Stew.....how sad is that!! I want my friend back

Wondering why

i put on my dancing shoes tonight, in fact all day, and danced from the moment I was awake....even in the shower, where I couldn't even hear the music....I do like a dance, and theres nothing like a good dance to bring a bit of life into one's soul....

I went to the local club....ICE....there is only one in this town, it's small, but can be good for a laugh and catching up with people you've not seen for a while....

Funny thing is, this one town where people always know your business, and this is of course spurred on by the likes of Facebook....why I still use this is unbeknown to me, I hate it and everything it stands for!! Anyway, I was highly ungrateful of a reminder of a certain person....I just wanted to dance and be happy for a change, not hear all about someone, how good or not they were in bed, and that someone else still has a thing for them....good for you. Why do people always feel the need to pry into your sex life....am I the only person that believes that there is no discussion on this matter....that it's something thats between two people, and that's how it should stay?!

So I was really proud of myself all day for not contacting them when I had the chance....I'm desperately trying to let recent events blow over, so that there is a chance to rebuild our friendship....so I'm biding my time and waiting....in the mean time I could really do without constant reminders of what I never really had, but always hoped and dreamed for, and want oh so much!!

Are you going to appear in every dream, is something you said going to appear in front of me every single day?!

READ THIS

All I can say, is after what I said previously....

WOW

Chaos, Collapse and Syncronicity

Is it me, or is there some sort of link right there?!

This cosmos thing wont let me forget.....

Or perhaps it's just me....holding on to a memory holding on to that sense of belonging that maybe I never actually felt...

Funny...today I woke up, I read my horoscope, as I do most mornings....it said something about wanting to know where I was from and exploring the culture I am surrounded by....then I read the news....interest rate was dropped, money coming from nowhere to boost the economy....then I check all my feeds to see if anything exciting has appeared....to my surprise, after almost a year the amazingness himself has posted something. In it he talks about the culture of today, and about the economy....

Now while it may seem that they are all rather random, they are linked....because I still notice coincidences/syncronicities/cosmic giggles, and whenever there is one, I smile to myself, I acknowledge it, and I think of the amazingness....

Funny....I was reading a random link the other day, and there was a blogger repeating what the amazingness said a long while ago...about music and how next to nothing comes from the heart in music any more, how it's all about money making. And a few days before that I had a survey pop up on my facebook from MTV of all places, asking what I was interested in, or what I wanted more of or something. That's actually from a recent conversation of ours....I never filled it in...I don't want to be a "mook".

It's inevitable that nothing will let me forget something that I'd quite like to forget....I know that for whatever reason I have learned things over the past two years that I cannot ignore, of course everything goes back to someone, but to me it's all come from one person....

So I promise that I'll never forget, and I'll be vigilant of things that might just come around!!

Paper makes money

That's it, you can make money with a bit of paper...albeit a bit of official looking government type paper.

Interest rates got dropped again today....lowest for about a million years or so...not only that, the BoE are pumping 75billion squiddies and a whole lot more into the economy, thinking it'll give it a bit of a boost...

I read on the BBC News website this morning

Quantitative easing is the process of increasing the amount of money in circulation in an attempt to revive the economy.

While the Bank will initially add £75bn, Chancellor Alistair Darling has given it permission to extend this to up to £150bn.

The idea is that if the amount of money in the system is boosted, commercial banks will find it easier to lend.

Quantitative easing is sometimes incorrectly referred to as printing money, but the Bank will not expand the supply of money by making new banknotes.

Instead, it will buy assets - such as government securities (gilts) and corporate bonds.

So it will just be printing money then....hoorah, glad we have got to the bottom of what bonds are....bits of paper....for the printing on of many more bits of paper. Wow, and like the BoE can just say, "here, have 75 billion".....they can, but it's worth nothing now....I think the amazingness was right...maybe this hyperinflation thing will come about, and perhaps we will be rioting over a loaf of bread....but then they can get rid of the paupers, it'll become a time of survival of the fittest, and that could see the end of you or I....but fear not....it'll only hurt for a little while....besides, you'd be damn lucky to escape from this evil corrupt world....

However, until that day comes, enjoy what small things you have, for it's life's small things that will give you the greatest comfort in the dark times...even if it's just a nice warm cosy duvet :)

Going to going to get happy!!

I am making a massive huge effort to improve myself....

I've been so miserable of late, and to be quite honest it's driving me insane. I don't want to be sad any more. I want my life back. I want any ounce of anything I used to have back....but at the same time I want to keep what I have and be a completely new version of the old me....I want my lust for life back....I had it once, so why not again? And while I have no confidence now, I hope it comes back, and I hope I do get somewhere in life...I hope I do move out before long, get my own place and live life the way I want to live it....most importantly I want to be my own person...I don't want to be used by anyone, or feel like I've been used by anyone ever again....I want to be Ashley of the Byford vairiety....

Of course there will be set backs on the way, but I must make the effort not to slip back into my old ways, the miserable crying one. I've only cried a couple of times in the last almost 6 weeks, and that's because I lost Father....I think I'm doing really bloody well :)

I can miss and I can wish, and I can continue to beat myself up about everything that's gone wrong, and the two special people I've lost recently, but I can also be very grateful that I got to spend time with them both at some point in my life, and while I'll never stop loving either of them....I will be thankful, and our paths may or may not cross again, either in this life or the next, but I am thankful for everything that has happened!!

I'm going back to Leicester this week, and to be honest I wasn't looking forward to it, but now I am...because what reason have I got to stick around here any more?! There was a long time that I have resented Leicester...because I had a friend here, a friend who needed me, and there was a massive obstacle in the way...this distance...but they are ok now, and I don't really see them any more, and while with all the want in the world I'd like nothing more, I cannot keep kidding myself that something might happen....because it wont!! I'm angry with them, I'm very angry with them, but then that's a small part of love, and the rest is so much more!!

Back to the point...I find it very difficult not to get side tracked when I think of a certain someone, but hey-ho...I'm stronger than that, and eventually the longing, the pining and waiting will go away....maybe....

No more hurt and no more upset....because together they make Ashley a very awful selfish, self-centered horrible person, which she is not, and never really has been, or should have been. I will no longer be an alien to myself, and I shall simply be....well, me x

Not what I had planned...but

it was on the cards to write, and the title is apt to my writing, because....

for the past almost 4 years I had a goal. A goal to teach and to travel and I've worked towards that, even though it's been mega difficult....I've still kept going, I still am going because I've got a point to prove, and that's that I'm not entirely useless, lazy or stupid. Ok, I'm quite a lot of those things, but not completely. I do have some drive in me, although minimal!!

I no longer want to teach....if I were to teach I'd become a dictator, I'd restrict the freedom of thought/action of many individuals....I'd even expect them to act, think and talk in a language that isn't their own...how wrong is that?!

I wait for the day that all children are taught is how to read, write and do basic maths. There is a whole world on the internet and it's possible to learn anything....I'd happily be just a facilitator to those people, just give them a nudge of encouragement every now and then, or explain the odd word or two, but I don't want to dictate.....

As many people like to point out to me, teaching is a job that will always be there, which is true when you come to think of how many jobs are disappearing....but I don't want to do it...I will find a job doing something else....I no longer care if I'm pushing paper....all I want is to be out of the house for a few hours each day...giving something back to my parents....and saving up to do a postgraduate course in a years time at my current university....I'm going into cultural events management....and that is what I will do :)

When times stops

I'm no poet, but feel slightly poetic and had a little inspiration since my watch stopped...this will be a work in progress, and I want it to be quite good, so keep following and maybe one day I'll have a masterpiece :)


If it's always five to nine,
Am I late or forever on time?
Do I sleep or wake in these dreams of mine,
Or is every moment I live a false crime?

If I think of you every moment
Is it forever or just an instant?
Do you sleep or wake in those dreams of yours,
Or do you wonder throughout open doors?



More to follow sometime soon :) x

Love the skin that you're in

I think there is too much emphasis on diets these days. Everyone is constantly trying to loose weight, and it's one of the biggest money making businesses there is....why can't people look in the mirror and be happy with what they have?!

I'd like to introduce you to my bum...it's rather large, and I'm not saying that so that people can go "no it isn't", I know that it is. I don't mind, I love my bum, and all it's dimpley bits. I think it's great. People used to take the p because it's so big, but hey...people pay to have big bums these days....so ain't I just the lucky one. Not only is it big, but it's got character with all it's dimples!!

Saying goodbye - He's gone

Something that's been hanging over me for the last couple of weeks is my great grandad's funeral. I was rather emotional last weekend, and obviously such a great loss would bring a person to tears, and hurt in the most awful of ways.

I'd like to say that my Great Grandad "Father" was an amazing character. He was always so happy, full of life, and loved telling stories of years gone by. He spent some time in the army in World War two, and like any typical old man had many war stories to tell. He worked on the buses in London for many many years, and again, told many stories of all the people he saw and met and chatted to. He should have retired to Italy I'm sure of it. Always walking around doing his very best Itallian....he was the life and soul of any family party or get together, and today was no exception, everyone had so many memories to share....I only wish he was still here with us....I say that, but he lives one through us, and therefore he wont be forgotten...at least not for a while :)

The vicar at the ceremony read this poem, which spoke to me instantly, and while writing this I feel very tearful...I know I feel tearful for the right reasons....

HE'S GONE

You can shed tears that he is gone,
Or you can smile because he lived,

You can close your eyes and pray that he will come back,
Or you can open your eyes and see all that he has left.

Your heart can be empty because you can't see him,
Or you can be full of the love that you shared,

You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

You can remember him and only that he is gone,
Or you can cherish his memory and let it live on,

You can cry and close your mind; be empty and turn your back,
Or you can do what he would want: smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

I think the poem is very apt. And I shall remember it forever. I'm not sure who wrote it, but it makes you realise that it's not the end.

There are things I wish he could have been around for. He was so proud of me for going to university, and he wanted nothing more than to see me graduate. So that I will, and it'll be thoughts of him that will keep me going. I also know that if Nanny Peg was still with us she'd be the same. They'd have loved to have seen me bring a child into the world too....I felt guilty for a while today because on reading the names of the close relatives the Vicar stopped at my brother...I felt in some way that the list should have continued along to "and great great grand-father to ...........". I've never felt guilty before for not wanting children, but thinking about it, my blood runs along to some child somewhere....or will do. I just don't want to be responsible for another person, particularly with my views of the world!!

Onwards and upwards I suppose. Lost, but not gone, and never forgotten. Always fondly remembered....and it's no longer about thinking of the things I didn't do and didn't know....it's about the things we did do and share and all the memories that are embedded deep within our hearts :) x

Dictator of the "free" world...

So you think you're free?!

Hah!! Think again!!


That's what we're told. Told we are free. How many times have you heard someone say "it's a free country, I'll do what I like"? I'll bet you'd be a millionaire by now if you received some pennies each time you heard it....but alas, it's a dream, a falacy of something that's meant to be, but never ever has been.

Since the dawn of man there has been a hierarchy, and everyones been pitted against eachother for one reason, and one reason alone....to survive. Rituals have been held, and things presented to gods that ruled over the little people. They did things to please the gods, if the gods were happy, then they'd be safe.

Now, it's just the same, but we don't do it in such a bloody sacrificial way. Governments and laws govern the way we run our lives. They tell us what we can do, what we can't do. What me must learn, what we should learn, and what we should never be told. If you do as you are told, then you can live a perfectly happy life....but is it happy?! You can only be truly happy if you are truly free to do as you so please...I don't believe in a society such as those that exist around the world this can ever be. There is far to much repression. There is no freedom of action, no freedom of speech.

But you may think that your mind is free....your mind is far from free. In fact it's further away from free than anything else. Your thoughts are generated from a media outlet, such as TV, radio, newspaper, books....any of the rest of it....what you hear from these outlets determines what you will think about something....and yes, your opinion might be different from the next persons, and fro the next, but you are still fed information, that is often very false, or very stretched and far from the truth.

Nothing is free....there are too many dictators and dictated....and I think, or something has lead me to believe that I think, that it cannot now be undone!

Hopes, Fears and Emotion

I apologies for not having posted anything of late. I prefer to keep this blog philosophical, and don't like using it to tell the world how I am feeling...but on "speaking" to a friend today I remembered that for a time it was the most amazing sense of release I had, as I'm generally quite crap with expressing myself, but then this is only because I have fallen victim to a technological world. Nobody needs to talk any more, because everything can be done in the virtual, technological abyss of life. There is no embarrassment, and no worry about how the other will react, because frankly you don't have to face them, and that is the beauty of it, but also the downfall! The thing being is that expressing one's self via email lacks almost everything except words. The emotions may be there in the writer, but these can often be mistook by the reader. This can cause great problems for all involved really. Face to face communication is slowly becoming something of the past. Social Networking sites take all the effort out of "keeping in touch" therefore a friendship has far less value than it did many moons ago when people would walk for miles to see someone they cared about. Now a quick hello here and there constitutes a friendship....is it just me, or is this very wrong?! I currently have four-hundred and something "friends". Many I have never said a word to, but yet as I am in this trap they have been added. Nobody really cares about anyone any more though...I don't mean that in a nasty way, but technology has cut off out ability to empathise and have compassion.

Believe me, I've read the definitions of both, and I've thought through and through, and I cannot really think what either of the are. Can you? Thing is, it's very easy to say to someone "I know how you're feeling" but how is that empathy or compassion? You should be sat with someone, crying alongside them, or laughing alongside them to feel what they feel and show emotion.

I myself am one messed up cookie at the moment. I feel in a way like my whole life is falling apart right in front of me, and I have no control over anything. I've lost someone who was very dear to me, and while I am so overcome with anger just thinking of them, I still care about very much, and would always be there for them if they needed it, but they are gone. And this time I have no hope that they will be back in the near future. But I have lived and breathed them for the last 2 years, it's been an emotional journey, I don't think I've enjoyed it, and know I've been hurting for the majority of this time. I chose to ignore the hurt because that person is far more important to me than the pain that I feel in my heart.

Following that I lost my great granddad. And while that has come of no surprise, he was ninety-four and had bowel and bladder cancer, I cannot forget his face on the day that he died. It flashed before my eyes every time I think of him. He looked like a kid, and he looked terrified. He was so weak, he looked like he was trying to tell us something, and there were tears in his eyes, but he couldn't speak. I remember wanting to say the words "I love you" but I couldn't say it, I just hope he knew it. Maybe that's what he was trying to tell us. But whatever the case I cannot forget his face. I remember looking into his eyes, they were just black as his pupils were so big, and I remember thinking to myself, "I've known you all my life, but I don't even know what colour your eyes are". And it's things like that that make me scream on the inside.

I just feel as if nobody really knows anyone these days. And it is the small things. Things like what makes them get up in the morning, and I don't mean the alarm clock or work. What gives people the want to go through the day, and even life. On the most part it seems to me it's pointless. In a few days my Great Granddad will be nothing but a pile of dust, he lived a long and happy life, but once all my immediate family has passed away, nobody will ever know he even existed. And this is the same of my Nanny Peg who passed away in 2001. The only thing I had to remember her by was a Christmas Card that I received the Christmas after she died, and I lost it! I lost that card, I've gone through boxes and boxes of my things, and it's not in any of them. Curse the day I took it off the wall just because I wanted it a different colour. If I didn't want a new lick of paint I'd still have it. And it was a wordy card, she'd obviously gone to the card shops and picked it out. She knew she was going to die when she had that operation. She had asked me to go round a day or two before, but because I was too damn lazy to walk to the next street I never saw her...She died on November 16th 2001, and the funeral was a week later. I didn't cry at the funeral...I laughed. I couldn't cry, because I can't bare the thought of my family knowing that even I have emotions.

I'm straying away from the point. Did I even have a point? I usually don't.

All I know is that with each day that passes I fall apart a bit more. Each day I feel as thought I have less control, and yet sometimes I think to myself I've been given everything I've ever wanted. I've had a great upbringing, and really a great life, so what right do I have to be like this? But at the same time I think....maybe this life wasn't for me. And unfortunately I'm not in the position to change it to what I want. I don't even know who I am, I don't like what I have become, and I don't have a clue what I want out of life. Or even if I want one. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything, so please don't think I am and start worrying about me. I'd never do that because I do think of other people's feelings, and it would destroy my mum first and foremost, the friends I have and

I have a lot of hopes, I hope, but I don't know what for. But at the moment, that is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I have blue eyes. I love my dog, and the few good friends I have, and my family, most of all my brother, who is the only family member that knows I'm an emotional wreck!

If you have a friend that you care about then find out what gives them the drive to keep going. Make sure you know stupid little things like what colour eyes they have, and their favourite colour, because these are the things that make a good friend great.

As for me, I don't like feeling like this. I have no idea where it came from. I think and I think I was always so full of life. So happy, didn't let anything knock me back, but one day, I don't even remember when it was because everything seems so long ago, I just lost my drive. I lost myself, and I'd love to know how it felt to be me when I was younger...how did I manage to get up every Friday night and dance on my own like a loon before I even entered the world of alcohol?! Why has everyone I've been close to moved away or just left my life?!

Am I being self centred and self absorbed?! Probably, yes. But I am trying so hard not be, I'm trying to look outside myself, and find life in others, because at the moment it's others who are pulling me through....watching people make their lives, and do what they want to do, for THEM. And for what some people have been through to come out the other side is such an achievement for them....it truly is a case of Be the change you want to see in the world.

I want there to be world peace, and and end to poverty. I want everyone one and everything to be equal for everyone, but I can't see how I can do that. I suppose if I get a grip on my emotions it would help. There is no such thing as peace in my head, and I suppose as there is no peace and equality in there there must be poverty in there and this must reflect outside of myself. Not very attractive really.

Ok, my hope, the thing that gets me up in the morning at the moment, is that a) one day I'll be better, and wont feel like an alien to myself, and b) that one day I'll have someone to love and cherish. Not only will I love them, but they'll love me for who I am once I am better. Not now though.

Trouble is, what if this now really is me....?! I'm going to stop now before I blub again.....because I need to be up at 5.40 and I've been writing for almost an hour and a half since I started this essay!

"New year, new start"

This seems to be a uniquely human thing, that somehow 1st January means that everything that ever happened before no longer matters, and people start looking towards what a wonderful year they could have.

Now then, the problem with this seems to be that people thunk they can simply forget about the past and move on. It's very rare that people sit down and reflect on what happened, how and why it happened, and how they dealt with it...and if they actually did deal with it. You cannot simply forget, your mind does not simply forget, and it will catch up with you eventually. For some dealing with things means getting completely drunk, but alas this is aim of forgetting, and is not dealing with something. It is important to tackle and ride out any problems that arise, no matter how difficult it may be, for there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be released from it's grip.

SO it's the new year, it will be the same as the last. It will have it's ups, and it's downs. But as we're human we'll probably only ever look at the bad bits. Try writing a list of just the good things that happened last year...or across your whole entire life, and keep them close to your heart as a kind of pick-you-up. Something that will bring you light in the dark times. But please don't go thinking that everything is going to be brilliant.

I work with a suspicion that the way you begin your New Year gives you an indication as to what it will bring. Well at midnight I was home alone crying. And I'd probably not felt that alone...EVER!! The only company I did have was two dogs. One was a vibrating pillow, scared of the fireworks that suddenly blasted into action. The other was sat on a windowsill upstairs happily watching them...If this is how my year will pan out...so be it. It's also an odd year, not only is it an odd year, but the last number is a multiple of three...I have suspicions about threes and about odd years.

Anyway happy new year!!