Hopes, Fears and Emotion

I apologies for not having posted anything of late. I prefer to keep this blog philosophical, and don't like using it to tell the world how I am feeling...but on "speaking" to a friend today I remembered that for a time it was the most amazing sense of release I had, as I'm generally quite crap with expressing myself, but then this is only because I have fallen victim to a technological world. Nobody needs to talk any more, because everything can be done in the virtual, technological abyss of life. There is no embarrassment, and no worry about how the other will react, because frankly you don't have to face them, and that is the beauty of it, but also the downfall! The thing being is that expressing one's self via email lacks almost everything except words. The emotions may be there in the writer, but these can often be mistook by the reader. This can cause great problems for all involved really. Face to face communication is slowly becoming something of the past. Social Networking sites take all the effort out of "keeping in touch" therefore a friendship has far less value than it did many moons ago when people would walk for miles to see someone they cared about. Now a quick hello here and there constitutes a friendship....is it just me, or is this very wrong?! I currently have four-hundred and something "friends". Many I have never said a word to, but yet as I am in this trap they have been added. Nobody really cares about anyone any more though...I don't mean that in a nasty way, but technology has cut off out ability to empathise and have compassion.

Believe me, I've read the definitions of both, and I've thought through and through, and I cannot really think what either of the are. Can you? Thing is, it's very easy to say to someone "I know how you're feeling" but how is that empathy or compassion? You should be sat with someone, crying alongside them, or laughing alongside them to feel what they feel and show emotion.

I myself am one messed up cookie at the moment. I feel in a way like my whole life is falling apart right in front of me, and I have no control over anything. I've lost someone who was very dear to me, and while I am so overcome with anger just thinking of them, I still care about very much, and would always be there for them if they needed it, but they are gone. And this time I have no hope that they will be back in the near future. But I have lived and breathed them for the last 2 years, it's been an emotional journey, I don't think I've enjoyed it, and know I've been hurting for the majority of this time. I chose to ignore the hurt because that person is far more important to me than the pain that I feel in my heart.

Following that I lost my great granddad. And while that has come of no surprise, he was ninety-four and had bowel and bladder cancer, I cannot forget his face on the day that he died. It flashed before my eyes every time I think of him. He looked like a kid, and he looked terrified. He was so weak, he looked like he was trying to tell us something, and there were tears in his eyes, but he couldn't speak. I remember wanting to say the words "I love you" but I couldn't say it, I just hope he knew it. Maybe that's what he was trying to tell us. But whatever the case I cannot forget his face. I remember looking into his eyes, they were just black as his pupils were so big, and I remember thinking to myself, "I've known you all my life, but I don't even know what colour your eyes are". And it's things like that that make me scream on the inside.

I just feel as if nobody really knows anyone these days. And it is the small things. Things like what makes them get up in the morning, and I don't mean the alarm clock or work. What gives people the want to go through the day, and even life. On the most part it seems to me it's pointless. In a few days my Great Granddad will be nothing but a pile of dust, he lived a long and happy life, but once all my immediate family has passed away, nobody will ever know he even existed. And this is the same of my Nanny Peg who passed away in 2001. The only thing I had to remember her by was a Christmas Card that I received the Christmas after she died, and I lost it! I lost that card, I've gone through boxes and boxes of my things, and it's not in any of them. Curse the day I took it off the wall just because I wanted it a different colour. If I didn't want a new lick of paint I'd still have it. And it was a wordy card, she'd obviously gone to the card shops and picked it out. She knew she was going to die when she had that operation. She had asked me to go round a day or two before, but because I was too damn lazy to walk to the next street I never saw her...She died on November 16th 2001, and the funeral was a week later. I didn't cry at the funeral...I laughed. I couldn't cry, because I can't bare the thought of my family knowing that even I have emotions.

I'm straying away from the point. Did I even have a point? I usually don't.

All I know is that with each day that passes I fall apart a bit more. Each day I feel as thought I have less control, and yet sometimes I think to myself I've been given everything I've ever wanted. I've had a great upbringing, and really a great life, so what right do I have to be like this? But at the same time I think....maybe this life wasn't for me. And unfortunately I'm not in the position to change it to what I want. I don't even know who I am, I don't like what I have become, and I don't have a clue what I want out of life. Or even if I want one. I'm not saying I'm suicidal or anything, so please don't think I am and start worrying about me. I'd never do that because I do think of other people's feelings, and it would destroy my mum first and foremost, the friends I have and

I have a lot of hopes, I hope, but I don't know what for. But at the moment, that is the only thing that gets me out of bed in the morning. I have blue eyes. I love my dog, and the few good friends I have, and my family, most of all my brother, who is the only family member that knows I'm an emotional wreck!

If you have a friend that you care about then find out what gives them the drive to keep going. Make sure you know stupid little things like what colour eyes they have, and their favourite colour, because these are the things that make a good friend great.

As for me, I don't like feeling like this. I have no idea where it came from. I think and I think I was always so full of life. So happy, didn't let anything knock me back, but one day, I don't even remember when it was because everything seems so long ago, I just lost my drive. I lost myself, and I'd love to know how it felt to be me when I was younger...how did I manage to get up every Friday night and dance on my own like a loon before I even entered the world of alcohol?! Why has everyone I've been close to moved away or just left my life?!

Am I being self centred and self absorbed?! Probably, yes. But I am trying so hard not be, I'm trying to look outside myself, and find life in others, because at the moment it's others who are pulling me through....watching people make their lives, and do what they want to do, for THEM. And for what some people have been through to come out the other side is such an achievement for them....it truly is a case of Be the change you want to see in the world.

I want there to be world peace, and and end to poverty. I want everyone one and everything to be equal for everyone, but I can't see how I can do that. I suppose if I get a grip on my emotions it would help. There is no such thing as peace in my head, and I suppose as there is no peace and equality in there there must be poverty in there and this must reflect outside of myself. Not very attractive really.

Ok, my hope, the thing that gets me up in the morning at the moment, is that a) one day I'll be better, and wont feel like an alien to myself, and b) that one day I'll have someone to love and cherish. Not only will I love them, but they'll love me for who I am once I am better. Not now though.

Trouble is, what if this now really is me....?! I'm going to stop now before I blub again.....because I need to be up at 5.40 and I've been writing for almost an hour and a half since I started this essay!