An alien to myself

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this phase of my life, not the only one that's been awaken from a dream of how wonderful life is, or should be. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's forgotten who I am, as I've spent so long trying to fit in amongst other people, and changing to suit what and who is around me.

I guess at some point I lost a grip on who I really am....or maybe I never had a grip on who I really am in teh first place. I mean how can anyone know who they are if they do not know who they are not? I suppose once upon a time I just was. I just existed, and I was just a person, it didn't really matter who I was....perhaps why I never questioned my personality, my bad habits and myself in general.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just in case you may think that, I'm just reflecting on words that I heard recently, knowing that something somewhere has gone ever so slightly wrong. Particularly when this song kinda sums everything up for me...



and the lyrics, in case you can't listen to them....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

YOu know how sometimes you spend so much time trying to please others, family, friends, loved ones, you kinda forget what it is that you want to be doing, and how you want things to be going, and then reach the point where you have no idea what is you and what is them, but you do know that each and every person is dissapointed with some aspect of who you are, and what you have done.

But you can't please everyone...it's just like something you say, no matter what it may be, will always offend someone.

Maybe I'm just thinking far too much into things, but it was a song, I listened, and it was a trigger to a thought. And now, at last, I can blog again, and think about the wonderful stuff, and the crap stuff. There are equal ammounts of both....maybe!!

Anyway, I lostt sight of Ashley....i spent so long trying to fit in, where I really don't, I shouldn't be here....I shouldn't be in this place I am now....but I am...and I suppose I can only be grateful for that....I just don't want to feel lost and alone anymore!