Going to going to get happy!!

I am making a massive huge effort to improve myself....

I've been so miserable of late, and to be quite honest it's driving me insane. I don't want to be sad any more. I want my life back. I want any ounce of anything I used to have back....but at the same time I want to keep what I have and be a completely new version of the old me....I want my lust for life back....I had it once, so why not again? And while I have no confidence now, I hope it comes back, and I hope I do get somewhere in life...I hope I do move out before long, get my own place and live life the way I want to live it....most importantly I want to be my own person...I don't want to be used by anyone, or feel like I've been used by anyone ever again....I want to be Ashley of the Byford vairiety....

Of course there will be set backs on the way, but I must make the effort not to slip back into my old ways, the miserable crying one. I've only cried a couple of times in the last almost 6 weeks, and that's because I lost Father....I think I'm doing really bloody well :)

I can miss and I can wish, and I can continue to beat myself up about everything that's gone wrong, and the two special people I've lost recently, but I can also be very grateful that I got to spend time with them both at some point in my life, and while I'll never stop loving either of them....I will be thankful, and our paths may or may not cross again, either in this life or the next, but I am thankful for everything that has happened!!

I'm going back to Leicester this week, and to be honest I wasn't looking forward to it, but now I am...because what reason have I got to stick around here any more?! There was a long time that I have resented Leicester...because I had a friend here, a friend who needed me, and there was a massive obstacle in the way...this distance...but they are ok now, and I don't really see them any more, and while with all the want in the world I'd like nothing more, I cannot keep kidding myself that something might happen....because it wont!! I'm angry with them, I'm very angry with them, but then that's a small part of love, and the rest is so much more!!

Back to the point...I find it very difficult not to get side tracked when I think of a certain someone, but hey-ho...I'm stronger than that, and eventually the longing, the pining and waiting will go away....maybe....

No more hurt and no more upset....because together they make Ashley a very awful selfish, self-centered horrible person, which she is not, and never really has been, or should have been. I will no longer be an alien to myself, and I shall simply be....well, me x