Seeking aproval

The world is full of people and every single one of them is alone. I have started a blog in this way before, but I have something slightly more to say this time around.

Everyone is alone. Nobody realises though that this is how it should be. It's no bad thing at all. Because of course we are now in a world where everyone does things and seeks approval.

Even I am guilty of this. I've been seeking approval for so long. Approval is something I 've not ever had from my parents, but have always seeked. I didn't realise that I'd always seeked this, and I hadn't realised that I still do. It wasn't until I read the email I received yesterday from DailyOM about living for ourselves that I realised how much I did this, and was still wanting to do this with the amazingness.

In truth when it comes to the amazingness, I wish I didn't. I wish he was wrong about the father figure thing. While I always knew deep down that he was right, I partly couldn't believe that I saw him as a father figure, and every attachment I made to him was just me making it up. I do believe that now. I accept it. I accept that there are things that I want or need because I don't have that relationship with my parents that I want.

And I think to myself now. I think all I really want is someone to love me. And of course I don't know as that will ever happen now. I know that love is not what it seems, I now have first hand experience of this. It doesn't make the feeling go away, but I have accepted this, and thats a start.

So seeking approval then. All anyone ever really wants is a parent or loved one to support them, and tell them that they are proud. Some people never receive this in their lives, which is quite sad. Trouble is that nobody realises that this is a pretend need too.

I think the day my dad has faith in me that I will amount to something...thats the day that I will change for the better. While I see that this is a pretend need, I also know that I wouldn't be doing what I am doing if it wasn't for him. Thats not a bad thing by the way. I'm quite thankful. In 18 months I will be able to travel to my hearts content, and it's all I've wanted to do since I was 14. I probs wouldn't have done it the same way though.

It's why I always got excited though when the amazingness was not around, and something happened and I could share it with him. It was because it meant that I had a channel. Something that give me the opportunity to communicate with him on that higher level. And while we were communicating at that higher level, not only did it feel amazing, like something I've never felt anywhere before, but I really felt that I was doing something worthwhile and somebody recognized my mini achievements.

There I was seeking approval. And when I had a bit of realisation on Sunday I wanted to share this with the amazingness because I was seeking his approval. I wanted him to acknowledge my achievement. I don't want that anymore. I want to see him for a completely different reason altogether.

The amazingness is my angel. He's a massive blessing in disguise, and he's only in disguise because of my self absorbation. You see he's not in disguise at all. He's a blessing, thats it, and thats how it stays.

The fact of the matter is, I am dying for some love and affection. I'd like a kiss and a cuddle sometime. I like waking up next to someone with their bed hair. I like being with someone and devoting my time to them. I like the idea of things going well. But now I wonder if I will ever be able to really have it. I could no longer have someone love me for reasons that they don't realise. Mostly I cannot let myself fall back into that trap. I can't let a habit form again.

What does this mean? This means I want to cry. This means that I may never ever find someone who is free of pretend feelings. I don't want someone's pretend feelings. I want real feelings and real everything. and the hardest part....all of that has got to come from within me. I suppose the only way to get rid of the wanting of physical affection for now is to make a human sized pile of pillows and cuddle it until i can cuddle no more.

I no longer wish to seek approval. I wish to GET approval from within.