Is that what it's all about?

Well I've been thinking about this caring thing over the last few days. In fact I was thinking really about what I want to say. I have things I need to get off my chest to someone which have sort of been building for a day or so...now I'm venting my thoughts here....it's as good a place as any.

After a self-made incident on Sunday evening, I decided to do something about something, and basically did it the only way I could think of how.

Now I started reading some stuff. MSN conversation history if you must known. Anyway I was a bit upset with someone, and I thought at the time I could do without them. I decided that I wanted to make myself hate them, and that would be the way to do it. So I started reading, looking for everything derogatory that they ever said to me, and you know what, I couldn't find one thing. In fact I was horrified at some of the things I said.

The things I said were not horrible or malicious in any way, but they were not responses to the person. They did not even acknowledge the person. They were all me, talking about me, all the time. Even after the person had said how they were feeling, I still continued to babble about myself. I am now very aware that I am doing this, and over the past few days have stopped myself as soon as I have caught myself.

Yes, of course I am doing it now, I am very aware, but this is MY blog, so I think while I am exploring, it's allowed.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I was reading it, and was disgusted at myself for having done such a thing. I got to a point where I couldn't even read what I had responded. Instead I read all of the persons words over about a months period, and wondered to myself what dreamland I was living in. Hon on Earth could I not see this before, and mostly, I do not blame the person for what they do. The only thing they ever did really was care.

It has of course lead to a thought. CARING. Because I always had the best of intentions, I thought until Sunday that I did show my caring side. In "reality" I was very self-absorbed. This is something I hate being and am currently trying very very hard to stop doing. I had thought that I'd displayed a lot more things than I actually ever have.

Caring is a very odd action. And there are so many ways of caring, and so many ways to show it. Big things, small things, and very small things. Just a smile when it's needed, or a cuddle, or just finding the right words to say. Those are very small things.

I've thought long and had about it. While I've done big things, like lending money, and taking them away when I thought they needed a break, I've never done the small things. They ALWAYS have.

And then there was the viewpoint on everything I used to have, and I can't believe that a) it was only a year ago, and b) that was me.

I've made all these generalizations about people, and moaned about them lots, but I'm the same, and I suppose in some ways a whole lot worse. But as the Amazingness has said to me many-a-time, what you find fault in others you find fault in yourself. YES YES!! As ever, the amazingness was very right.