There has to be something more....

Than this!!

I can look at hypnosis, meditation and all this mind body and soul stuff for a long time, but occasionally I sit, and I look around me. It's when I look around me that frustration, though I generally keep it at bay, just gets to me.

I have spent the vast majority of the past week in my room, on my own, with a couple of exceptions of course. But I've sat and stared and contemplated. I'm surrounded by stuff. And technically with all this stuff that I have I should be happy, but I'm not. These four walls I am currently confined to, and everything contained within are no longer a true reflection of me. The majority of material possessions that once made me think I was happy and entertained, in reality never really did.

A child can have all the material possessions in the world, and all they really do is cover up a deeper underlying problem...or solution. As they get older this problem or solution will fester inside. My fear for them is that the problem gets bigger as it goes unnoticed, and the solution perhaps begins to disappear. Does this happen to everyone?

When you look at people that are living in poor communities, there is much more a sense of community spirit. People work together, they communicate, children have the ability to play, and though life sometimes looks bleak, they can appreciate all the minuscule things that happen, which Western people overlook.

I'm currently bubbling away in my head. What I understood last week no longer makes sense to me, and I am dying to get out and about, to go somewhere different, and just experience something outside of these four walls. I'm not talking about a trip to a pub or club to end up talking to people that I am uninterested in...what I mean is, I want to go somewhere, see something, do something. Just not the ordinary, everyday mundane rubbish.

It's a sorry, sad state of affairs when you don't really understand yourself anymore. To be fair though, I don't think I ever really understood myself anyway. I've always been the same, always had a desire to go and do something, but never really known what. As frustrated as I am, I know I only have 18 months left before I can go away and travel properly...and 18 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but at this moment in time it's a long way.

Another thing that has been bugging me for the past few days comes from a question presented to me by the amazingness a few days ago. He asked two questions actually. The first was what do I think is my best feature, and the second was what do I have to offer someone. Neither of which I could answer. Because I don't really know. But then does anyone? This is the thing I wonder. If I had not spent the majority of my childhood surrounded by material possessions and getting everything I wanted, would I be where I am now? Would I be more wise? Would I in effect actually be able to pinpoint what I have to offer? Or what my qualities are? Would the qualities and offering be different? Would they be better? More plentiful?

It doesn't really matter, for what is done is done, and what isn't isn't. The thing I want to know is, would things be different, or would these problems and solutions be there even if the whole life had been lead differently? It's just one of the many questions that I have, that seems to be ever growing the longer I sit and contemplate.

I need to get out, and I need to get out soon. Anywhere really, just not your average getting out!

There are many things to look forward to, and though the journey may seem long, the wait will make it more worthwhile. I do not know this for sure, but I have hope....and with hope one can achieve a whole lot more!!