Butterflies

I think having butterflies is the oddest of feelings. It's relatively indescribable, after all, who really knows what having really butterflies floating on the inside actually feels like. Due to the liquid floating around in the belly a butterfly wouldn't be able to fly, it's wings would likely be drenched in acid.

Nice spin I put on that. I wonder why the expression came about. I'm thinking about this butterflies thing, mostly because I keep having them/it. Every time my phone goes off, or someone appears online on my MSN, every time something happens where someone outside of my four walls contacts me. It's because everyone of them has the potential to be the one person I really want to hear from. And when I do hear from that person they are even worse. It's a mixture of nerves and excitement, and it grows all the time. Nerves because part of me feels that each time could be the last, excitement because I want to hear from this person.

It's an odd feeling, being completely torn between two emotions and not knowing why. Well I do know why. It's utterly bizarre, but an odd comfort. At least I know that I do have emotions.

There has to be something more....

Than this!!

I can look at hypnosis, meditation and all this mind body and soul stuff for a long time, but occasionally I sit, and I look around me. It's when I look around me that frustration, though I generally keep it at bay, just gets to me.

I have spent the vast majority of the past week in my room, on my own, with a couple of exceptions of course. But I've sat and stared and contemplated. I'm surrounded by stuff. And technically with all this stuff that I have I should be happy, but I'm not. These four walls I am currently confined to, and everything contained within are no longer a true reflection of me. The majority of material possessions that once made me think I was happy and entertained, in reality never really did.

A child can have all the material possessions in the world, and all they really do is cover up a deeper underlying problem...or solution. As they get older this problem or solution will fester inside. My fear for them is that the problem gets bigger as it goes unnoticed, and the solution perhaps begins to disappear. Does this happen to everyone?

When you look at people that are living in poor communities, there is much more a sense of community spirit. People work together, they communicate, children have the ability to play, and though life sometimes looks bleak, they can appreciate all the minuscule things that happen, which Western people overlook.

I'm currently bubbling away in my head. What I understood last week no longer makes sense to me, and I am dying to get out and about, to go somewhere different, and just experience something outside of these four walls. I'm not talking about a trip to a pub or club to end up talking to people that I am uninterested in...what I mean is, I want to go somewhere, see something, do something. Just not the ordinary, everyday mundane rubbish.

It's a sorry, sad state of affairs when you don't really understand yourself anymore. To be fair though, I don't think I ever really understood myself anyway. I've always been the same, always had a desire to go and do something, but never really known what. As frustrated as I am, I know I only have 18 months left before I can go away and travel properly...and 18 months isn't that long in the grand scheme of things, but at this moment in time it's a long way.

Another thing that has been bugging me for the past few days comes from a question presented to me by the amazingness a few days ago. He asked two questions actually. The first was what do I think is my best feature, and the second was what do I have to offer someone. Neither of which I could answer. Because I don't really know. But then does anyone? This is the thing I wonder. If I had not spent the majority of my childhood surrounded by material possessions and getting everything I wanted, would I be where I am now? Would I be more wise? Would I in effect actually be able to pinpoint what I have to offer? Or what my qualities are? Would the qualities and offering be different? Would they be better? More plentiful?

It doesn't really matter, for what is done is done, and what isn't isn't. The thing I want to know is, would things be different, or would these problems and solutions be there even if the whole life had been lead differently? It's just one of the many questions that I have, that seems to be ever growing the longer I sit and contemplate.

I need to get out, and I need to get out soon. Anywhere really, just not your average getting out!

There are many things to look forward to, and though the journey may seem long, the wait will make it more worthwhile. I do not know this for sure, but I have hope....and with hope one can achieve a whole lot more!!

A dove story

In May my family will have lived in the same house for 10 years. We have already lived here longer than we have in any other house. But 10 years is like a mile-stone for my parents, who succeed in decorating the same rooms a couple of times, get bored, and move on for new rooms to decorate.

Ever since I can remember our everyday lives have been watched. The family have been watched by a pair of doves. Doves that seem to like us and our fence. They are collared doves, and a very nice couple if you ask me. They seem to be very loving, and always very close together, sort of cuddling on the fence, as if watching my family were like watching a romance film at the cinema.

If they are not on the fence, they can be heard cooing in the front room as often they'll sit on top of the chimney in cold weather and get the heat from the house. Either that, or, as is customary to do during the summer months, sitting on my window in the very early hours of the morning cooing at me, like an alarm clock.

While I don't enjoy the company of the doves at early o'clock, at other times of the day I'll happily watch back. There is something somewhat peaceful about them. It's no wonder that white ones, presumably because white and pure go together, have become a symbolic representation of peace. Doves are also a symbol of the holy spirit in the New Testament.

I am no bird expert, but it appears that doves meet each other, mate, and stay together forever. Both the male and females incubate the eggs. They share baby raising duties, and when the babies leave the nest, the male and female stick together.

When you look at them leading their peaceful lives, sitting on the fence, observing the world around them, wrapped up in love of a sort, why people can't be more like that. Why people spend so much time watching others to judge. Hurt others......

We can learn a lot by watching doves. A glorious bird of nature.

Theme for the week......peace

Peace seems to have enetered into my little head today, and I thought I'd give it a little mention on here. It's my theme for the week.

Of course peace is very important to a lot of people. I once read that because there is so much trouble in people's lives they continue to manifest trouble. I have a feeling that the more trouble a person manifest for themselves, the more trouble they manifest in general.

War for example. In this day and age, people, so we are told, are increasingly coming into contact with trials and tribulations as part of "normal" everyday life. So many people cannot switch off from a hard day in the office. They take problems home with them, and then at home there continues to be problems. But if everyone has an impact on the universe, and the cosmic order of things, that negativity on a small scale, well.....that breeds and manifests. If the universe collectively holds many negative thoughts, then what will come back from it will be negative on a rather large scale.

The only way really to combat such things is for people to try to turn their lives around. Stop applying pressure to themselves. Why work your way up the career ladder if you can't handle the pressure.

Too many people are career-minded. There are people that are at the office from the small hours of the morning to very late at night, and hardly see their families, the people that love and care for them. And when they do come home they are probably thinking way too much about work anyway. This can lea to frustration, and even though a person may think that they are happy....well they are more than likely not.

Basic principle is that we are in a world, particularly Western world, of negativity. Always being told we are not good enough. It's the negatives that people point out to you. How often do you get told you've done something right? What about wrong?

Even the computer. It only tells you when you are doing something wrong. You have to do something really good to get praise from anyone for anything. This generally puts people in a negative frame of mind and they wonder why they bother. I believe that a little effort goes a long way in a person.

Praise yourself. When you know you've done good work, reward yourself. Be it another coffee, a bar of chocolate, a crafty pint after work, a shopping spree. You deserve it....think happy thoughts. The more happy thoughts being sent out, the more happiness comes back.

Smile at least once a day, and hold it for 30 seconds. When things go wrong, just smile. There's nothing you can do, it's already gone wrong. Accept it and carry on.

Eventually, enough happy thoughts will bring along peace. peace in ones-self, and peace on a grander scale.

Peace peace peace!!!!!!!!!!

2p or not 2p

So while I was doing my highly exciting assignment yesterday I took to watching the budget.

Generally I couldn't care less about what the government say. After all, we all know that taxes are going to go up. It's no surprise when it does happen.

Yesterdays good news was that the 2p rise in tax on fuel will be postponed until October. Yes, that is about as good as it got. OAP's got another £50 a year to help with things like heating. Good for them.

I'm not one for politics, so not entirely sure how to express my opinion on it, so I shall just go with the flow.

Anyway I was watching Loose Women earlier. I dislike the program, but was waiting for mum, and it was quite an issue of debate on there. As was rightly pointed out is the extra £50 that OAPs get will hardly touch on the rising costs of living. especially gas and electricity prices, petrol prices etc.

It is the people in the middle classes of society who are hit the most.

The rise of 6% on alcohol.....is a so-called effort to reduce bing-drinking. Not going to happen. If you want to reduce binge-drink do away with alcohol entirely, or double the price.

11p on cigarettes.....to reduce people smoking.....if you want to reduce people smoking then double the price...or make it illegal.

Car Tax, petrol tax etc....to help the environment so less people will stop using their cars. If you're really bothered double the tax on everything. Do away with roads. In fact, why bother, just make cars illegal too.

It's a lie.

The government has no money. Therefore they don't really want to stop people drinking, smoking and using their cars.....it's how they make their money. It's just a scam. Somethig that not enough people question. We all just take their word for it. Think they are going to do brilliant things with the extra cash. Truth be known, all they really want is a pay-rise.

A rush of blood to the head...

Describe it. Describe it with as much descriptive language as you can.....you can't.

Language is evolving. It always has, it always will. It's language that has got us where we are, and yet in language we are so limited. There are so many thoughts and feelings that cannot be expressed simply by language. It's these times that actions speak louder than words...but then when you have niggling doubts about which action to take, well what do you do? How do you tell what is intuition from rational/irrational thought.

Go with what popped up first I guess?

Would you if you could?

The first thing we discussed when Philosophy begun in October was about the "dream machine".

Essentially one would plug themselves into a programmed virtual reality, and essentially they'd be plugged in forever.

The dream machine would be programmed to a persons preferences, so that they have everything they ever wanted, on a personal level and a world level. Would you live in an altered reality forever?

It has to be said that we do already. Who really knows what is real and what isn't? I don't even believe that I am real, or my thoughts are real. The people around me amaze and astound me, and yet they are not real. Nothing is real. What I do wonder though, if everything is just a figment of the imagination, why things seem to have such a big effect on a person.

The dream machiene would not bring experience with it. Who wants to be permanently happy? The varied change in experience of our lives surely is a key to development. If there were no challenges, would there really be anything to live for? Where's the fun in that? And would a person get bored of being continuously happy? And had you not experienced sorrow, would it be real happy? For how can one truly experience ecstasy without experiencing pain and suffering?


I can understand why a person would want to live a happy life. But surely in effect the dream machine would be based on material possessions. The majority of people, at a guess, would firstly think abotu their benefits when programming their new reality. The house/car/man/woman/job they always wanted. How many people who did the programming would say my reality will be that of living in poverty in Africa. Would they even spare a thought for those in poverty? World peace is often at the tip of people's tongue, it makes them sound good after all. Ask someone what in particular they mean by this, they will probably tell you something about ending war. Is living in poverty and experiencing suffering daily living in peace?

Peace is found in the heart. You can't find it if you experience only happiness. World peace begins by finding peace in one's heart, and to find that, one must experience all that can be experienced on a roller coaster of life. Seemingly wrong decisions are just as necessary as ones that are right.



There are so many people roaming now, who spend so much time trying to work out who they are. For most people it seems the way to finding who you are is by finding what you are not. Just ask....if you don't know what you are, how can you know what you are not? You are everything and nothing. Rather than wasting so much time trying to work out who you are, or who you are not, just forget about it and simply be.

Fears

I wrote this at 1.26 in the morning on 8th March. If I was reading this and giving my take on it, I'd come up with something very different from what I meant. If you've got any ideas as to what it's about.....feel free to let me know.


Floating on a cloud,
Wondering to nowhere,
Pondering on nothing.
Superficial fears we hold
All the fears of weird.
People, places and unfamiliar territory,
But of what is there to be scared?
You asked an easy question,
I do not know the answer.
I've pondered, yet nothing,
Deeply embedded nonsense
Ask and you shall gain
On most occasions.
The biggest fear it seems
Is lying in a dream.
Panic is odd
Why does it happen?
Circumstances beyond everyday monotony
Emotions run riot
Though they aren't even there.
This is not fear
It's absolute absurdity!
Hiding from nothing
Running from no-one
Problems arise times after time.
Tackle each one like a fly
With a spray.
Fear isn't the word
Emptiness is all that's there.
Afraid to let the shine out.


Amazingness......this was a response to your question. And the answer I have come up with.....when I really really really think hard about it....is nothing. Any that I do have are very much superficial. I have mu hang-ups, stupid things, I am aware.

I have given this poetry thing a go a couple of times. well....three. I didn't think....I just wrote.

A celebration of procrastination take 2

I am still procrastinating by the way.

What the amazingness was talking to me about was the ego. The ego is written about in the ebook mentioned in the previous blog post. The ego of course can get in the way of enlightenment. Or it can make way for some enlightenment, but one needs to be released from the ego in order to achieve full spiritual enlightenment.

I had watched a video on YouTube a couple of days earlier which was possibly about the ego. Make of it what you will. I will write another blog on my interpretation of the video.




Anyway, I pondered, and I sent this to the mind behind the wheres my guru website, with my take on what I had watched. She has frequently filled my days with syncronicities over the past couple of weeks, so I thought the video would be well shared with her. In her reply she told me her take on the video, and how she feels that it is about the ego. She also explained that she had been writing an email to all before she read what I had to say and the video, and funnily enough, this was about the ego. Therefore I gave her a syncronicity.

Syncronicities all around at the moment.





I hope the amazingness is ok.

A celebration of procrastination

Well, that's what the weekend was about. Procrastinating.

I said the other day that I wish to finish Uni with at least a 2:1 level degree. I didn't say that I couldn't procrastinate. Procrastinating is a skill, and a gift as I see it now. There are many things that I would not ever do if it was for procrastinating. So much stuff I wouldn't have learned. So I thank the element of procrastination held within me somewhere.

I feel that the majority of people procrastinate. I wonder if anyone ever really wonders why. It's when there is something that has to be done that one is not interested in when those who aren't generally in touch with their intuition let it take over. I procrastinate often, and often just make things up that I've got to do, like tidy, or buy chocolate. Sometimes though I actually manage to make a start on what needs to be done, this is when it kicks in. I can sometimes be found on Yahoo Answers. Particularly in the religion and spirituality section, and the erm....mental health section.

Religion and spirituality as some people ask the most fascinating of questions, and I am amazed at how closed-minded religion can make people. Many people do not see past their own religion to view the world in any other way. It saddens me in way that religion has the ability to make people who should be open-minded to possibility so very closed minded. I'm not saying that every religious person is, and I'm not saying that every non-religious person isn't. I'm sure in many cases it is also the other way around. I am just amazed by what I see and hear.

Mental health because I feel that the diagnosis' of mental health disorders have a lot to answer for. There are many questions that are asked by people, all feeling out of place and doing quirky things, and feel that as these actions are not generally perceived as "normal" they are indeed "mental". I like to write and try to let them know that they are not mental.

I have been in the presence of someone who felt that they were "going mental". I listened to them for along time, and stood by them. There were other people who couldn't comprehend things that this person was saying and doing, and turned their back. I didn't. If they were going mental, then so was I. I knew that they wasn't, because I knew that I wasn't. I never made an effort to reassure the person at the time that they were okay. So I'm making up for it now, and trying to reassure others that they are just as "normal" as everyone else and gifted too.

So the other day I made a post on a question. Some girl was trying to work out what religion she belonged to, or had beliefs close to for a school assignment. I answered and told her the following...

The best religion to believe in is the religion of you. You know how you feel, and you have your own mind. It angers me that schools seem to want everybody to belong to a certain group. You don't need to. If you want to, you can take pieces from all different religions and just believe in certain aspects....or you can believe in nothing.

The most important thing that anyone can believe in is them self and their own mind, as that is in essence the only thing that really exists.

The reason why kids get taught religion and not morals is because the "powerful people" can't control them if they have the sense to make up their own mind. That I believe is what you tell your teacher. You do not wish to conform to the control of society, culture and/or religion, but you plan to live your life the way you want to live it in your heart.

I also had a bit of a moan about teachers. For some reason a short while later I decided to check back and see whether anyone else had made a post since. The one that was posted after mine said this....

Visit this website
www.theawaitedone.com
if you feel these teachings are within you.Then you dont belong to any religion you belong to the religion of Love which is above all religions.

I went onto this website and a had a little scan read. Just to see what it was all about. Religion of love eh? Sounded a bit interesting so thought I'd see what it's all about. So I was looking, and decided to have a bit more of a look into Gohar Shahi, so I toodled off to Wikipedia, and read all about him....

I then went on to read about the organization he set up with his beliefs called
International Spiritual Movement Anjuman Serfaroshan-e-Islam and then ended up taking note of the fact that the origional website that I was looking at was taken from his ideas, but not actually a true account of these. So I went to the following website goharshahi.net

I went onto the book page and read the first of the two books from start to finish. It took me about 5 hours, but I made it. Just the reading was an accomplishment in itself, but the ideas contained in the book are fascinating. WARNING: This should be read with a very open mind, as it possibly goes against most of everything you think you know.

I did question after about 4 hours whether I was actually interested, because there was a lot I didn't understand. Still I continued to read. This thought I believe to have been a test to me. I was procrastinating, and to procrastinate I was reading. I'm not a fan of reading at all, and even less of a fan of reading off a computer screen. So yes I was interested. And during the read I began texting the amazingness, and as it turns out, what he was doing at home, and what I was reading were very much connected.

The book talks about stages of enlightenment and the spheres and spirits that the body holds. It's very fascinating stuff.

On to A celebration of procrastination take 2.....

Blogging Hopes

I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.

It covers:

• The best blogging techniques.
• How to get traffic to your blog.
• How to turn your blog into money.

I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.

I have no idea how things work or how they happen, but hey-ho, lets go see what it's all about :) yeeehar. Lets face it, I don't really want to make money out of doing something that I enjoy, but it would be nice for people to come along and see what I have to say. I am only one person, and I am possibly very bizarre in my thoughts, but that's part of the fun really.

With intentions true

Well, I went ofr a walk with my Nan a short while ago and waffled about a lot of things. I moaned, about how people seem to be stuck in a rut, doing the same thing day in, day out, and bla bla bla. I've realied that even though I'm not doing the A'typical day to day stuff, I am still repeatedly doing things teh same every day.

Every day I start with the best of intentions to get some uni work done. I don't do it. I only tend to crack down on Uni work at the very last minute. I don't find it a pressure situation, but it is very repeating. I sit in my room day in, day out, and do absolutely nothing. Time, although made up, is passing me by, and rather than living in the moment, I'm living in the habit.

So I've got things that I intend to do. I don't just intend to do them, I am going to do them. Here's is my list, which I may add to on the odd occasion if anything extra comes up.

1. Walk at least 3 times a week for at least half an hour
- this means I get fresh air, and more of a chance to connect with nature, and life, and everything. Just breathing it in and feeling the air move around inside me.

2. Do something to help someone every day.
- Whether it's just listening to someone, answering a simple question, smiling at someone (smiles are infectious), doing something to help mum. It doesn't matter what it is, but to help someone not only makes them feel good, it makes me feel nice.

3. Finish Uni and get AT LEAST a 2:1 level degree.
- I'll have achieved something that some people never thought I could. This means that I can proove to myself that I was right to keep believing in myself, when others didn't think so. And know and believe in my hear that yes indeed I could.

4. Visit at least 50 different countries in my lifetime.
- Even those with cultures not so different from my own. No matter what culture and society is, and whether it's good for you or not, there are many different ones. I feel it is vitally impossible to experience as many different ways of life as possible. Visit as many sites, and witness as much of the goodness of nature as possible.

5. Laugh
- The ability to laugh is the best ability that the human mind offers. Laughing can do so much. It makes you feel liberated (is that the right word) and releases a lot of stresses in the body. Unnecessary stresses and tension I might add. Laughing is also infectious, and just maybe that


That's five to start. I do not wish to plan how or when I do such things, I just know that that's my intentions. And I shall carry out those to the best of my ability....my ability is infinite.




Now then, thinking about being stuck in a rut. I ventured on to you tube just a few moments ago, and typed in the search bar I've made a plan. The first video that popped up was a music video from a band called Simple Plan, the song is When I'm Gone. I thought I'd post the lyrics here, if you look and see you'll notice how they fit in with this blog. Happy days.....

Here's the video...


Here are the lyrics.....

I look around me
But all I seem to see
Is people going nowhere
Expecting sympathy
It's like we're going through the motions
Of a scripted destiny
Tell me where's our inspiration
If life won't wait
I guess it's up to me

Whoah
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town
Whoah
We wont come back, the world is coming out
Whoah
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so long
You'll miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

Procrastination running circles in my head
While you sit there contemplating
you'll wind up left for dead
Life is what happens
While you're busy making your excuses
Another day, another casualty
But that won't happen to me

Whoah
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town
Whoah
We wont come back, the world is coming out
Whoah
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so long
You'll miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone

You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
When I'm gone

(Let's go)
Won't look back
When I say goodbye
I'm gonna leave this hole behind me
Gonna take what's mine tonight
'cause every wasted day
Becomes a wasted chance
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry
'cause life won't wait
I guess it's up to you

Whoah
No we're not gonna waste another moment in this town
Whoah
We wont come back, the world is coming out
Whoah
Leave the past in the past gonna find the future
And misery loves company
Well so long
You'll miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone



See where they fit in? I don't personally thing the song itself is all that great, but hey, that's not the point.

You're my best friend

I was chatting to a friend of mine on MSN today, someone I've not spoken to for quite some time, but he thought he'd say hello. After a while we got talking about recent events. He expressed a thought that I should be around friend. I told him, I'm alright here on my own, it's nice to have my own time and spend it how I wish. Following on from that I told him that I have my best friend here with me anyway.

My best friend comes in the form of Diddy Bunny. My oldest friend. He's a teddy rabbit. I realized while chatting to this friend what a nut case I must have been as a child (and to some extent I still am).

I got Diddy Bunny when I was 5, I had a party in which I had to throw away my dummy. I was very attached to it, but I went to throw it in the bin at my childminders, and when I came back to the table the fairies had left me a present. I unwrapped it, and inside was a lovely fluffy rabbit. I called him Diddy Bunny. We called dummies diddies, and this worked very well. It was tough parting from my diddy...I remember how much I loved it, and how comforting it was.

Diddy Bunny though was then in a league of his own. He was fluffy, had sticky-up ears, an extra fluffy tail, and a tickle hole. For ages I didn't let him leave my side, and eventually his fluffy tale became less fluffy, and after a lot of nighttime cuddles his ears flopped, but to me that just made him even cuter. Ever since we've been pretty close. I've shared everything with him. Told him all my problems, and he's always offered good advice.

I remembered something I used to do when I was a kid. I grew up quite late, if I've grown up at all, and probably did this until after I left school, which is quite embarrassing, but hey, who cares? I used to tell him everything, and when I was a bit younger I believed that all my teddies were alive. I gave them all names, and was always very careful not to say anything nasty to them. I believed that they were real, and played games and had parties when I was out of the room, or when I was asleep. That was how most of them ended up on the floor in the morning. I used to pretend I was asleep to try to catch them, but I never did. They aren't stupid. They layed on my bed every night, they could tell when I was asleep and when I was awake.

I also used to use diddy bunny in the decision making process. Those were the days. Not anything major, usually something to do with a boy. Most commonly asking if they liked me or not. I was shy bean back then too, and while the answer he gave never actually made me do anything it was nice to have. When I went to sleep I'd ask Diddy Bunny a yes or no question, and go to sleep on my back, he's be on my chest and I'd cuddle him right tight. Depending whether he was on the left or right side of me when I woke up in the morning would give me my answer.

I still believe that Diddy Bunny is real. He is I suppose, it just depends on your definition of real. What makes me think this more than anything is that we have been separated for the past 2 years. When my room was decorated I had to put everything away in the loft. I thought I didn't put him up, because I couldn't bare to put him in a bin-liner. I thought when it was all done and everything was back in that he'd somehow gone...he was no where to be seen, and despite my best efforts I could not find him. I spend many evenings thinking about him, where he'd got to, what he was doing, if some other child had maybe found him and was giving the same amount of comfort to them. It never stopped me missing him though.

I was mooching around in the loft last week, trying to find my quilt of all things, and was getting hold of every bin-liner that I could and testing them out to see whether my quilt was in one. I them picked up a bag full of teddies. They were all put up there when my room was done, I knew those ones wouldn't mind too much, so they were okay to go up there, hey that way they could party all day every day right? I grabbed the bin liner and ripped it open, and there in front of me was my Diddy Bunny.

It's like we do have some extraordinary bond though. And yes, this is a teddy, I know it sounds bizarre, but he's been with me since a young age. A lot of tears and happiness have gone into him, he's as much as part of me and my life as anything else. So I believe in my heart that he's real. And my reason for believing that we do have a bond, is that he's come back to me just when I am trying to find out what I need to find out.

When I need to talk to someone he'll be there. When I need to cry he'll cry with me, and when I want to laugh he'll laugh along with me. It's the first time in a while that we'll have had the opportunity to do such things, and so it will all be good.

What a remarkable chap

This morning I've watched another one of those inspiring tales. It was about a guy called Johnny Kennedy, a sufferer of a rare skin condition called EB. Now I say he was a sufferer, it looked incredibly painful, and was obviously not an idea way of living, but he didn't really suffer. He kept his chin up mostly, had a fantastic sense of humour and an incredible knack of telling it as it is. It seems to me that through his illness he was more alive than the vast majority of people.

I'm posting the documentary on here, because it's a truly fascinating story. Mum watched an blubbed all the way through. I simply watched and smiled. Even the sad bits, to watch the sad bits, and know that somone has gone through something like that forever and still manages to live life as full as they can gave me that very warm feeling.

So...... The boy whose skin fell off











Now then, if you don't see his story as remarkable, and this doesn't give you a wonderful feeling.....I don't know what will. And by a wonderful feeling I mean a feeling that makes you apprecaite what you have and what's happening in your life. If someone liek Johnny can keep going against all the odds, then you can too. Be strong, stay positive, and don't let things get you down.

What would you do....

If your life was struck bare? Would you embrace it, or would you crumble at the first hurdle?

Seeking aproval

The world is full of people and every single one of them is alone. I have started a blog in this way before, but I have something slightly more to say this time around.

Everyone is alone. Nobody realises though that this is how it should be. It's no bad thing at all. Because of course we are now in a world where everyone does things and seeks approval.

Even I am guilty of this. I've been seeking approval for so long. Approval is something I 've not ever had from my parents, but have always seeked. I didn't realise that I'd always seeked this, and I hadn't realised that I still do. It wasn't until I read the email I received yesterday from DailyOM about living for ourselves that I realised how much I did this, and was still wanting to do this with the amazingness.

In truth when it comes to the amazingness, I wish I didn't. I wish he was wrong about the father figure thing. While I always knew deep down that he was right, I partly couldn't believe that I saw him as a father figure, and every attachment I made to him was just me making it up. I do believe that now. I accept it. I accept that there are things that I want or need because I don't have that relationship with my parents that I want.

And I think to myself now. I think all I really want is someone to love me. And of course I don't know as that will ever happen now. I know that love is not what it seems, I now have first hand experience of this. It doesn't make the feeling go away, but I have accepted this, and thats a start.

So seeking approval then. All anyone ever really wants is a parent or loved one to support them, and tell them that they are proud. Some people never receive this in their lives, which is quite sad. Trouble is that nobody realises that this is a pretend need too.

I think the day my dad has faith in me that I will amount to something...thats the day that I will change for the better. While I see that this is a pretend need, I also know that I wouldn't be doing what I am doing if it wasn't for him. Thats not a bad thing by the way. I'm quite thankful. In 18 months I will be able to travel to my hearts content, and it's all I've wanted to do since I was 14. I probs wouldn't have done it the same way though.

It's why I always got excited though when the amazingness was not around, and something happened and I could share it with him. It was because it meant that I had a channel. Something that give me the opportunity to communicate with him on that higher level. And while we were communicating at that higher level, not only did it feel amazing, like something I've never felt anywhere before, but I really felt that I was doing something worthwhile and somebody recognized my mini achievements.

There I was seeking approval. And when I had a bit of realisation on Sunday I wanted to share this with the amazingness because I was seeking his approval. I wanted him to acknowledge my achievement. I don't want that anymore. I want to see him for a completely different reason altogether.

The amazingness is my angel. He's a massive blessing in disguise, and he's only in disguise because of my self absorbation. You see he's not in disguise at all. He's a blessing, thats it, and thats how it stays.

The fact of the matter is, I am dying for some love and affection. I'd like a kiss and a cuddle sometime. I like waking up next to someone with their bed hair. I like being with someone and devoting my time to them. I like the idea of things going well. But now I wonder if I will ever be able to really have it. I could no longer have someone love me for reasons that they don't realise. Mostly I cannot let myself fall back into that trap. I can't let a habit form again.

What does this mean? This means I want to cry. This means that I may never ever find someone who is free of pretend feelings. I don't want someone's pretend feelings. I want real feelings and real everything. and the hardest part....all of that has got to come from within me. I suppose the only way to get rid of the wanting of physical affection for now is to make a human sized pile of pillows and cuddle it until i can cuddle no more.

I no longer wish to seek approval. I wish to GET approval from within.

I think so...

Again today I was thinking deep thoughts on the subject of the inner relationships, and outer relationships. This whole caring thing has really got me thinking The only things I have read over the past couple of weeks or so are things that have come to me via email, or links that have been sent, or caught my eye as I've been sifting through a whole load of other stuff. And yet over the past two or three days, EVERYTHING I have read has been what I have given a thought to. Yesterday I think I had one of the best syncronicities ever, I will share it when the time is right.

But I was thinking about how much I don't give...or do, but in the wrong way. I do the big gestures to make people feel good. This is the wrong ways to handle things. Big gestures of course make people feel loved and stuff, but then this only lasts a while, and then there is a comedown after wards, and they want more, but don't get it. I suppose it's a bit like the effects of drug-taking. Yes, that will be my analogy.

Someone who cares properly will be like a good drug. And by a good drug I mean will make those that they care about feel like they are on a never-ending high by doing a multitude of small things, with minimal negative effects. And while other people don't make people feel like this all the time, it does not mean that they don't care. It just means that they don't care in the way that the other person needs or wants. Thus no good. Love is the same thing, but don't let it trick you. If it does, if you let it, you'll be stuck in the cave forever.

I learned to believe in myself. Really, honestly, I am the only person that I can really totally believe in, because I am me. It is still important though to have faith in other people. The difficult part is deciding who to give that faith to. But then I think that something will let you know. It will let you know in weird and mysterious ways, and you'll just know.

Now then. On a level of caring, I shall make an effort to do it properly. No longer will I be so damn self absorbed, scared and awful. Where I find myself now, I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I do think it's going to be necessary for most people to get on with things. Am I really happy....no? Are you? Have I been happy recently? truth be told, no. I haven't really been for quite sometime, and it will be a while before I am. But you know what, I like where things are going. I like what's going on, and I like the fact that I can smile now, and know that next time things will be different, and quite possibly much much better.

Is that what it's all about?

Well I've been thinking about this caring thing over the last few days. In fact I was thinking really about what I want to say. I have things I need to get off my chest to someone which have sort of been building for a day or so...now I'm venting my thoughts here....it's as good a place as any.

After a self-made incident on Sunday evening, I decided to do something about something, and basically did it the only way I could think of how.

Now I started reading some stuff. MSN conversation history if you must known. Anyway I was a bit upset with someone, and I thought at the time I could do without them. I decided that I wanted to make myself hate them, and that would be the way to do it. So I started reading, looking for everything derogatory that they ever said to me, and you know what, I couldn't find one thing. In fact I was horrified at some of the things I said.

The things I said were not horrible or malicious in any way, but they were not responses to the person. They did not even acknowledge the person. They were all me, talking about me, all the time. Even after the person had said how they were feeling, I still continued to babble about myself. I am now very aware that I am doing this, and over the past few days have stopped myself as soon as I have caught myself.

Yes, of course I am doing it now, I am very aware, but this is MY blog, so I think while I am exploring, it's allowed.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I was reading it, and was disgusted at myself for having done such a thing. I got to a point where I couldn't even read what I had responded. Instead I read all of the persons words over about a months period, and wondered to myself what dreamland I was living in. Hon on Earth could I not see this before, and mostly, I do not blame the person for what they do. The only thing they ever did really was care.

It has of course lead to a thought. CARING. Because I always had the best of intentions, I thought until Sunday that I did show my caring side. In "reality" I was very self-absorbed. This is something I hate being and am currently trying very very hard to stop doing. I had thought that I'd displayed a lot more things than I actually ever have.

Caring is a very odd action. And there are so many ways of caring, and so many ways to show it. Big things, small things, and very small things. Just a smile when it's needed, or a cuddle, or just finding the right words to say. Those are very small things.

I've thought long and had about it. While I've done big things, like lending money, and taking them away when I thought they needed a break, I've never done the small things. They ALWAYS have.

And then there was the viewpoint on everything I used to have, and I can't believe that a) it was only a year ago, and b) that was me.

I've made all these generalizations about people, and moaned about them lots, but I'm the same, and I suppose in some ways a whole lot worse. But as the Amazingness has said to me many-a-time, what you find fault in others you find fault in yourself. YES YES!! As ever, the amazingness was very right.

Will you marry me?

Yes yes yes, it's 29th February, and this can mean only one thing......It's a leap year

Ahem, thing with leap years is that the ladies for one day only get to do the asking of the man for a hand in holy matrimony as they call it, but I wonder what the repercussions of this really is.

Does the male's ego suffer in effect? Hardly manly is it to let the girlfriend get there first. But then there are some men who would probably never have the balls to ask in the first place, so the girlfriend has saved them the job.

How did this tradition come about that's what I want to know! Looks like I will have to read and find out.

See this link for a quick explanation

What I have just read is a very good question....How do you be romantic for a man? It's weird. Men don't appreciate the same things that women do, and they don't appreciate them in the same way. I know for example that I have a few times wanted to do something nice, and I hate to admit it, but romaticish (I can't bring myself to say it) for the amazingness, and I've had the best of intentions, I really have, but everythign I thought of seemed too...well...cheesy. But then looking at it that way, romance is cheesy isn't it. I can be a sap, and I can be sweet I know that, but romantic and spontaneous....that's another matter entirely.

One thing I did once have in mind was going to the forest, or around the foresty area, and sitting outside at night, rather late with a picnic or something, and looking at the stars and just relaxing and stuff. You know a cupla blankets and be all cuddly and snuggly when it gets cold. I had thought it would have been a rather nice evening, I just didn't set it up too well. That's where I tend to stumble and fall, but one day I will learn. I guess I didn't plan it right, because clearly we would have needed a couple of those flare things for a bit of light, and I don't have those.

NOTE TO SELF: Get some off ebay, so you have them next time you attempt to make this suggestion.

Anyway back to proposals, because it's highly likely that I wouldn't ever have the balls to do it. To be honest I don't think that marriage is going to be an option for me either. I just think as soon as I have found my feet i want to travel here there and everywhere, and never stay in the same place for too long. I have a feeling it would be hard(ish) although not impossible to find a man that wants to run around the world with me. So there goes that.

And again, to proposals. I do apologise for being a bit all over the place if I am being that way...it's not me!

Proposals. Now traditionally a lady wear an engagement ring. It's sort of a male thing, you know like dogs mark their territory, the male marks his by means of a ring. I am thinking, men don't generally wear an engagement ring, so what actually happens? Does the lady get down on one knee with a ring that she has bough for herself, and the man simply gets to put it on, or does she indeed have a box with a Hoola Hoop and and Ice gem which have been stuck together with some sort of adhesive, and offer him that. This is a bit I don't understand. And should a lady ask his parents, as apposed to him asking her parents if these things are to be done traditionally.

I'm not really one to go along the line of tradition, but I just don't get it. But I do say fair play to those ladies who do, and I think it's wonderful that you find yourself able to do it. It must be pretty scary. But it's only fear, and I suppose the action is never as bad as the thought of it. I hope that if any ladies did propose today their man said yes.

And men, I hope that if you did get asked you didn't say yes because you felt you should. And I hope that it didn't damage any egos.

Anyways, I would just be happy today having proposed a cuddle to a certain someone and having had a nice extended one together...

On te actual Marriage level though, I'd be quite happy with my mind bits that don;t usually get along to club together and get along great. That way I will understand so much more, and be so much more alive. That's what I want, that's my proposal. Oi mind, body and soul, do your thing, and do it together. I'll set a date for it all to start working....tomorrow.

I guess really at the end of the day, a lot of people need to give that sort of proposal. And many people who are in relationships of any sort occasionally need their heads banging together. There are people who just don't realise what it is that they've got. I'd hate for any of them to loose out on what they have. Trouble is that so many people don't notice. Yes, it's the way of life, but I'd like to say, just go with what's in your heart and you'll get good things...very good!!

When caring too much isn't

So I've thought about this a lot over the past couple of days, and it all started from what sadly became a bit of a heated discussion with the family on Tuesday night.

You see I am a egg donor, I'm doing it via NHS, where you get paid only £15 for the whole thing, which I do not mind one bit. But certain members of my family thank that it's absolute craziness, when there are people who do such things privately and would pay thousands. Now I don't know about you, but the eggs that I carry have cost me nothing to produce, and to put it quite bluntly find themselves going down the bog every month or so. They have no use to me whatsoever. Is it so silly of me to think that making money out of someone else's misfortune is wrong? There are a fair few couples out there who are desperate to have their own family, and without egg donations would not be able to produce. Going through IVF is expensive at the best of times, let alone also having to pay someone for their eggs, which are with them from a very very young age, and will be for a very long time. If I am able to produce children, and am not wanting them, and others want children and can't produce them is it really that wrong.

But the family don't want me to do it A) because it's not really the most pleasant of experiences, and B) because I could be making a fortune, and when you are a poor and penniless student it's all worth it.

No thank you. To me it would feel wrong. My answer is that's it's my body, and it's my right.

It has raised a question in my mind though about caring. I was told to stop caring about other people so much by my uncle. My aunt by the way has a personal experience of the procedure that I am about to go through (her children were produced this way, but with her own eggs and uncles own little beasties) and she also has a friend who was able to have children through an egg donor. She was very pleased and said to me quietly before they let to go back to America that she thought what I am doing is wonderful, and that she would tell her friend when she got back all about me, and I was rather flattered by that.

Anyway, where was I? Is it possible to care too much, but not really care enough. I do think that there are too many people in the world who do not care enough. I have issues on the level of caring as much as anyone else. I suppose that there are so many people, and they all care in such different ways that really it can be difficult to tell who cares and who, quite frankly, couldn't give a shit.

I care an awful lot about my family, and my friends (even the ones that only bother with me when they need someone to do something for them...shall we say drive?). There are people though that I simply cannot stand showing my caring side to. If we take my family for example. I am aware of the fact that the reason that my family is as distant as it is at the moment is partly my doing. We are all equally responsible, but I know what can be done to change things around. Just a little bit more caring and "spreading the love" is needed and it will make a huge difference to the family as a whole. It has to be said that we've been one hell of a lot closer since Lola came along, as we've had to work as a team to keep the little madam in check.

But where was I, I can't stand them knowing how I feel, or anything like that. Can't have them knowing that I really do have emotions....yuck. Even in mothers day or fathers day cards, it takes me hours to choose because I can't stand getting those awful "your the best mum/dad ever" and bla bla bla cards. This year though I plan to buy a horrible mushy one if it kills me...I don't think either of them have had one from me since I've chosen cards myself. I know this is not a major thing and the words on the cards will not be my own, but it's a start is it not?

Well I plan this year to be my year of charity and relationship rebuilding.

I was talking to mum earlier today and was telling her a snippet of a dream I had sometime over the course of yesterday. I started explaining that it was at Campion Road house, as are a lot of my dreams. Funnily enough, a lot of mums dreams were at her St Martin's Way house. Now this is a trend. Both the houses are where me and mum respectively spend the majority of our childhood. And while we were having this conversation I remembered what the amazingness was saying about how we are all kids, and we get a small shock at a young age, and that is where we stay. Now you see, I was living in Campion Road at the time, and Mum was living in St Martins Way. Proof somewhat that the theory is indeed true. So here we both are, stuck back in the dark from years ago.

Anyway, we had a chat about her life, and how I am not like her or dad, and don't really want to be. I found out that Dad is only how he is with me because I'm lazy, and he thinks I should be standing on my own two feet by now. He was married already at my age, and divorced too I think. But Mum was married and had a child at my age...neither one of them had the most wonderful of childhoods, and I do feel for them both.

Last week I tried re-building a relationship with my dad a little. I decided to show an interest in his family, and told him that one day I'd like to meet all his family, because I don't really know anyone except Auntie Dot (I have another Aunt also who lives in this town, but I wouldn't know her if I walked into her on the street) Not only that but I don't think that anyone has ever been to his parents graves. I suggested that we go one time. Make a nice family trip to London. Perhaps nice is not the right word, but it's something we've never done before, I just think it would be nice to do.

My dream was basically me and dad sitting on the sofa in the living room, and he turned around and said to me "Ash, do you think we have a friends relationship, or a father daughter relationship?" I told him that it was a father daughter one, but it was not a bad thing. But we had a good old chat about things, and we both hoped that sometime soon we would be more on the friends level. I'd like that very much.