When caring too much isn't

So I've thought about this a lot over the past couple of days, and it all started from what sadly became a bit of a heated discussion with the family on Tuesday night.

You see I am a egg donor, I'm doing it via NHS, where you get paid only £15 for the whole thing, which I do not mind one bit. But certain members of my family thank that it's absolute craziness, when there are people who do such things privately and would pay thousands. Now I don't know about you, but the eggs that I carry have cost me nothing to produce, and to put it quite bluntly find themselves going down the bog every month or so. They have no use to me whatsoever. Is it so silly of me to think that making money out of someone else's misfortune is wrong? There are a fair few couples out there who are desperate to have their own family, and without egg donations would not be able to produce. Going through IVF is expensive at the best of times, let alone also having to pay someone for their eggs, which are with them from a very very young age, and will be for a very long time. If I am able to produce children, and am not wanting them, and others want children and can't produce them is it really that wrong.

But the family don't want me to do it A) because it's not really the most pleasant of experiences, and B) because I could be making a fortune, and when you are a poor and penniless student it's all worth it.

No thank you. To me it would feel wrong. My answer is that's it's my body, and it's my right.

It has raised a question in my mind though about caring. I was told to stop caring about other people so much by my uncle. My aunt by the way has a personal experience of the procedure that I am about to go through (her children were produced this way, but with her own eggs and uncles own little beasties) and she also has a friend who was able to have children through an egg donor. She was very pleased and said to me quietly before they let to go back to America that she thought what I am doing is wonderful, and that she would tell her friend when she got back all about me, and I was rather flattered by that.

Anyway, where was I? Is it possible to care too much, but not really care enough. I do think that there are too many people in the world who do not care enough. I have issues on the level of caring as much as anyone else. I suppose that there are so many people, and they all care in such different ways that really it can be difficult to tell who cares and who, quite frankly, couldn't give a shit.

I care an awful lot about my family, and my friends (even the ones that only bother with me when they need someone to do something for them...shall we say drive?). There are people though that I simply cannot stand showing my caring side to. If we take my family for example. I am aware of the fact that the reason that my family is as distant as it is at the moment is partly my doing. We are all equally responsible, but I know what can be done to change things around. Just a little bit more caring and "spreading the love" is needed and it will make a huge difference to the family as a whole. It has to be said that we've been one hell of a lot closer since Lola came along, as we've had to work as a team to keep the little madam in check.

But where was I, I can't stand them knowing how I feel, or anything like that. Can't have them knowing that I really do have emotions....yuck. Even in mothers day or fathers day cards, it takes me hours to choose because I can't stand getting those awful "your the best mum/dad ever" and bla bla bla cards. This year though I plan to buy a horrible mushy one if it kills me...I don't think either of them have had one from me since I've chosen cards myself. I know this is not a major thing and the words on the cards will not be my own, but it's a start is it not?

Well I plan this year to be my year of charity and relationship rebuilding.

I was talking to mum earlier today and was telling her a snippet of a dream I had sometime over the course of yesterday. I started explaining that it was at Campion Road house, as are a lot of my dreams. Funnily enough, a lot of mums dreams were at her St Martin's Way house. Now this is a trend. Both the houses are where me and mum respectively spend the majority of our childhood. And while we were having this conversation I remembered what the amazingness was saying about how we are all kids, and we get a small shock at a young age, and that is where we stay. Now you see, I was living in Campion Road at the time, and Mum was living in St Martins Way. Proof somewhat that the theory is indeed true. So here we both are, stuck back in the dark from years ago.

Anyway, we had a chat about her life, and how I am not like her or dad, and don't really want to be. I found out that Dad is only how he is with me because I'm lazy, and he thinks I should be standing on my own two feet by now. He was married already at my age, and divorced too I think. But Mum was married and had a child at my age...neither one of them had the most wonderful of childhoods, and I do feel for them both.

Last week I tried re-building a relationship with my dad a little. I decided to show an interest in his family, and told him that one day I'd like to meet all his family, because I don't really know anyone except Auntie Dot (I have another Aunt also who lives in this town, but I wouldn't know her if I walked into her on the street) Not only that but I don't think that anyone has ever been to his parents graves. I suggested that we go one time. Make a nice family trip to London. Perhaps nice is not the right word, but it's something we've never done before, I just think it would be nice to do.

My dream was basically me and dad sitting on the sofa in the living room, and he turned around and said to me "Ash, do you think we have a friends relationship, or a father daughter relationship?" I told him that it was a father daughter one, but it was not a bad thing. But we had a good old chat about things, and we both hoped that sometime soon we would be more on the friends level. I'd like that very much.