Functional...

In every dysfunctional sense of the word.

Okay, so I'm thinking I have a brain, and it works, it really bloody works. Even if sometimes I don't believe it myself. The problem with thinking through your brain, as I tend to do, means it doesn't work when you want it to, and when you'd rather it didn't work it seems to go in overdrive mode.

I saw a uni friend on Sunday that I've not really seen since I left halls early last year. I asked if she wanted any food coz I was about to leave Leicester, and had loads of the stuff that I didn't want to throw in the bin, thinking mostly of all the people who do not have any food. It seemed really unfair to throw out lots of good food. She came over, and I found that where once I probably could have talked to her for hours, I had nothing to say.

I went back to work this week, somewhere that I have been back to before, last time was last Easter. Last easter I was chatting all day every day to everyone, this time, I've avoided speaking to people at the best of times. I just don't have anything to say really.

My friend from afar has been close by this week, and I've seen her all of once, and while I was looking forward to seeing her, suddenly, when I was in her presence I had nothing whatsoever to say.

That's threewo examples of where the mind stops. And I looked forward so much to seeing the amazingness this weekend. I had missed him so much over the past week, and again, nothing. This keeps happening time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again.

I don't understand. But then I wonder is there really anything to understand? Anything to grasp at all? I know it's all a figment of my imagination, and so technically it doesn't matter. But it matters to me. It matters to me because he matters to me. More than anything, and for some bizarre reason things seems to be tits up and backwards when it comes to him. I want it to be hunky dory, I've asked for that so much, and I believe that it can, and that it will be... I'm not expecting miracles, I don't believe it's going to be an overnight jobby, and I know I am going to have to work at it, really hard. And as many times as I've thought myself and moaned about the amazingness to myself, I know it's all down to me at the end of the day. I know it, so the trick I suppose is believing it :) woohar

So here's what I am going to do. I am rather publicly going to coach myself through each and every dilemma that gets in my way. Everything. from the small little things, to the really big things. It's my life, it's my world, it's the little thing that I do that can make a big big difference, to me and everybody around me.

Really, truly, I know it's not that hard. The thought of doing something is always worse than it is. I've just read a paragraph of some e-book that I found for free, just the first paragraph, and just from that I got a slight buzz, hopefully, by time I've read the lot I'll be onto a winner. I say I found, I just happened to open some other link, and there was a link to it on the page. Then on that page there was a link to an NLP seminar, which I enrolled for and passed onto the amazingness.

So here goes, putting forth my desires into reality. My first:- this week is going to be a whirlwind and a massive learning experience. I will learn things I never knew existed in my heart, and I will start taking the necessary steps to sorting myself out.

Top of my slightly long-term list though, is to understand and grasp things that I haven't grasped before. Everything, from the sublime to the ridiculous. What I plan to do is to stop reacting, and rather than reacting, doing. Oh yes, I am going to be good at making decisions too.

As I have just seen this advert on another page, about something completely different, i am going to make myself amazing.

So, from now on, no more misgogness please Ashley.

I'll be good I promise, lets gets cracking with the good (and nice) stuff.