I cry

I think the time has come to write a bit about myself again, and what's in my head. I've spent countless nights talking to myself about my problems, crying my heart out, because I don't really have anyone I can talk to as a form of release. Trouble is, that if you only speak to yourself as a form of release....well it's not a release at all, because the information that you "release" goes straight back into you. It's a vicious circle.

Unfortunately it is my own fault. I pushed many people close to me away. I became a shadow of my former self. In fact, I don't even remember my former self. I remember that I did odd, rather random things. I had some sort of drive in me to entertain with my stupid antics. On the occasion I still do it now. I am not full of wit, I don't know any jokes, and I'm not even very good at getting jokes that I am told. I have a series of defence mechanisms, that my brain invented just to keep me safe. It's now second nature to me. The problem is, that it has become a habit. Habits are generally very difficult to get rid of. And if you pick up the wrong habits, this leaves you trapped. They don't enable you to fulfil your life fully, nor do they enable you to even so much as enjoy your life. In fact, my habit means that bit by bit I am breaking down.

I'm at the stage where I cry quite regularly. I've come to the point where that's all I know I can do well. And as I type this I am holding back, because nobody can know how I feel, and I think my parents are making me some lunch. I cannot let them know that I feel as low as I do. Nobody can know.

To most people I've always been miss happy-go-lucky Ashley. Always smiling. Always just enjoying the ride.....and then, and still now I do silly things like start dancing in shops, because it gets a reaction from people. I can still do this now. It detracts away for a few moments from how much my insides hurt. I like to see other people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.

I'm only a bit slow on the uptake of things due to force of habit. It happened one day. I used it as a defence, and it worked. Suddenly I didn't have to be clever any more. I could live in my own little world, and nobody would think anything else of it. That's just Ashley. The vast majority of my relationships are based around this mechanism. Even the ones I don't want to be are, because I've done it for so long, that I haven't got a clue where to start to get around it.

I lack motivation. I have no motivation to wake up each day, and once I am awake I certainly have no motivation to do anything else. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy, it's because I am incredibly miserable. I am stuck in everything I hate about life so much. Surrounded by it. Engulfed in it, and at the moment I see no way out. I have no means of escape, not even for a few moments.

I can put on some music, and on the occasion I get lost in it, but it requires a relaxed mind of which mine is not. Mine never switches off. I always seem to be thinking of something that's wrong. Mostly I am angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I have reacted to so many things in such a way that I have ended up feeling and living in this way. There is no longer happiness behind my eyes. I am no longer happy-go-lucky. I am a fake. I am an imposter, and yet so many people have said "I wish I was more like you Ashley". This of course upsets me even more. I am an imposter, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to be like me now.

I'm in so deep that I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Nobody can know about me. Nobody can know how sad I feel inside, and how frustrated this makes me feel. I will not share it with anyone because I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that this is what I have become. I would imagine also that many people wouldn't understand. That if I did attempt to explain they would be unable to comprehend it, because I seem so "normal".

In fact, if anyone were to know about me, and the pain behind my eyes it would be the one I refer to as the amazingness. He is the only person I really trust to tell all to...but as has become a force of habit, I contradict myself to detract away from the point. I have become unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I also feel it to be unfair to this person to have hold of my feeligns because they have been through so much. And I was never really there for them when or how they needed. I feel that I have let them down, and been a constant dissapointment and burden on their life. I've tried to walk away many times, but I cannot. I've never felt the way I feel about them about anyone. Yet I do not show it. I do not know how.

While I am not emotionally numb, that I am sure, I am not able to express them in a way that people expect. I live life on the defensive. I feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything that I think or feel. In the past I've been ridiculed. Told that I'm pathetic. Made to feel like a complete idiot around people when I have given my view or opinion, that I created another defence mechanism, whereby I can no longer form one, or give one. This hurts me almost as much as knowing that I am alone.

I just can't see any way out now. I'm beginning to wonder if I will always be like this. I had all these hopes of what I would be doing a year from now, but in my current state of mind I fear that a year from now I'll be sitting here feeling like this, writing something very similar, still crying whenever I get the chance to be alone knowing that nobody will find out.

I would appreciate it, if anyone does read this, they don't leave me comments telling me that I am "not the only one" or "not alone" or anything of the sort. For nobody feels what I do in the same way that I do. Nobody anywhere feels this about anything because every single person expreiences life in a completely different way. I don't need advice or pity of any sort. I am capable of pulling myself out I'm sure....I just don't know how long it's going to take.