I was walking the dogs with my nan today. We were chatting about various bits and things and rubbish, and then suddenly, from out of nowhere she asked me this question:
Ashley, are you lonely?
She's always asking me odd questions. I put it down to me not being your typical 22 year old. I don't go out. I don't really speak to anyone that much. I dote on one person that I don't really even have contact with anymore. I guess it isn't normal is it?!
AM I lonely? Well I replied, I am to the extent that I don't really have any friends nearby, but I am alright on my own. But I do wonder if I do. I was just watching a programme. In this programme someone said somethign about changing dramatically when you have lots someone to ease this loss. I've not really lost anyone. I lost my gt nan, and I miss her terribly, but this can't have changed me as a person. And then I was thinking....do you have to loose someone on a physical level (i.e. they die) for this to happen. Have the events of the last year or so had more of an effect on me than I think. Right from the first time I had thought I lost that special person. Over and over I felt that they were gone. Gone for good. It was the easiest thing to think. I used to laugh it off, and say to people that everything would be okay in a few days. I'm not sure that I ever believed it. And then there is now. And I sit in my room munching on chocolate because I am a typical girl. Something goes wrong and we eat chocolate to compensate. It works.....well until the bar is finished with.
I'd never needed anyone before. Unlike the majority, I never had a need to belong somewhere. I hadn't ever felt what it was like to feel that I really truly belonged. And then suddenly I did. I did. I felt that I belonged almost instantly. And then I knew what it was like. And while I still believe that I am okay, and will cope just fine and dandy on my own...I want that back. I want to belong to them again. So very very much.
I am not usre whether or not I am loosing a grip on myself. I've wrote recently about my identity crisis. And I know that everyone has them from time to time. I know the chances are that with everything that's happened I am most likely to remember the bad bits, because they have greatest impact. Remembering the bad stuff it seems should make something easier to forget. To cover up. To replace with another experience. Why does our mind do that? Rather than working through things, it simply just replaces experiences. It never forgets them. And then when something similar comes along, it brings forth all of these things out of the filing cabinet. Why doesn't it forget. And why can ones head not be filled with nice stuff. If I really try hard I can remember everything nice that's ever happened....but it does take almighty effort. Anyway...the thing being is that the bad stuff that has happened over the last year or so is rather easy to forget. I put it down to the both of us not being in good places on the inside. With two people not feeling right, things don't work. I always had an excuse for the both of us when things didn't work. therefore I only remember the good part, the connections, the immense evenings, and the times when I walked away blissfully happy, like nothing I'd ever felt before.
And then it was gone. Removed from me. And it hurt, it really hurt. I still brush it off.
I tell you a secret. I've never belonged, because I've never opened up. I've never let my guard down. Even now, when you read and think you know how I am feeling, I am not telling the whole story. I never do. I know that people know me as Ashley, go get em'. I'm this lively, wacky lady that always smiles.
I don't know what I am getting at. I guess I am lonely at this very moment in time. Though not helping myself as I choose to sit alone. I choose to do everything alone. I even want to travel on my own. Live on my own etc etc. I am a lone ranger. I always have been. But never before have I had a real feeling that perhaps I am lonley. Perhaps after having belonged for so long....I want to continue belonging.
I know that given the chance...well I could have shown my good side. My lively side and my softy side. I was almost willing to let my guard down and tell things that I never told. And that now I never will.
I am lonely. I am always lonely. I am a lone ranger. I am in solitary confinement, alone in a world I created on my own. It's my world. It's my version of life. It's my mind and imagination that's putting it there. I made it all up. I've got to deal with the consequences. So if I am unhealthy let it be so...I can cope with it this way. I don't think I can cope with letting another in again...so I wont!
Ashley, the good, the bad, the lone ranger!
1 comment:
Though as ever, your points are quite valid, don’t ever make the mistake of thinking you are alone. We all are (god tell me about it!!). At times we do feel alone. Though as your point out, neither I nor any random that stumbles upon your journal of the life, can ever understand that which is you, we all have our own circles to move in, and sometimes we dance the same pattern. No one is ever alone, just as no two people are ever together really. We are all somewhere in between, and often look from one extreme and wish for the other rightly or wrongly.
You are losing your grip on yourself? How can you ash, that which you feel and that which you are is your grip on yourself! Nothing is nice all the time, so blame your spell of bad feelings on sods law! You can find excuses and reasons for stuff to happen if you wish, but if there is some higher puppeteer at work, he pulls very fine strings!
Though the departure of that special stew… I mean amazingness, in whatever format it has happened is of course a significant loss. Perhaps you should look for remedies more substantial than chocolate? Granted chocolate is indeed a magic in itself, but it sounds like you’re after something that wasn’t made to be eaten, at all. I’m sure what you two had (or at least what you think you did) was an important mechanism in your life, but now its gone don’t waste your years analyzing where it went wrong. Only YOU are special and you should feel that way. Yes of course you’re lonely, that’s the human condition, from which only the blind and in love (one and the same) are spared.
Reading on, I’m reassured that I’m not alone, as also you say you feel unable to let another in. Advice for you: let others in, not only will you gain firmer friends, but you will be understood by more people. Though if they choose to squander that trust, and use and abuse it for their own gains is another matter. Keeping people out only means you’ll later on wish you hadn’t (this is my personal experience), it sounds daft especially in the situation you’re feeling now, but life is an experience that should be shared, if not enjoyed, and enjoyed if not shared.
Anyway, I analyse things from my own perspective, but I do think as well, regard or disregard, my advice is always here should you need it! And come comment on my blog once in a while, you aren’t the only one with advice needed!!!
Thanks for wearing my fingers out again!
xchrisdx
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