An alien to myself

I'm sure I'm not the only one in this phase of my life, not the only one that's been awaken from a dream of how wonderful life is, or should be. I'm also sure I'm not the only one that's forgotten who I am, as I've spent so long trying to fit in amongst other people, and changing to suit what and who is around me.

I guess at some point I lost a grip on who I really am....or maybe I never had a grip on who I really am in teh first place. I mean how can anyone know who they are if they do not know who they are not? I suppose once upon a time I just was. I just existed, and I was just a person, it didn't really matter who I was....perhaps why I never questioned my personality, my bad habits and myself in general.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, just in case you may think that, I'm just reflecting on words that I heard recently, knowing that something somewhere has gone ever so slightly wrong. Particularly when this song kinda sums everything up for me...



and the lyrics, in case you can't listen to them....

I'm tired of being what you want me to be
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface
Don't know what you're expecting of me
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

Can't you see that you're smothering me
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control
Cause everything that you thought I would be
Has fallen apart right in front of you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
Every step that I take is another mistake to you
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)
And every second I waste is more than I can take

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

And I know
I may end up failing too
But I know
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you

I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be
I've become so numb I can't feel you there
I'm tired of being what you want me to be

YOu know how sometimes you spend so much time trying to please others, family, friends, loved ones, you kinda forget what it is that you want to be doing, and how you want things to be going, and then reach the point where you have no idea what is you and what is them, but you do know that each and every person is dissapointed with some aspect of who you are, and what you have done.

But you can't please everyone...it's just like something you say, no matter what it may be, will always offend someone.

Maybe I'm just thinking far too much into things, but it was a song, I listened, and it was a trigger to a thought. And now, at last, I can blog again, and think about the wonderful stuff, and the crap stuff. There are equal ammounts of both....maybe!!

Anyway, I lostt sight of Ashley....i spent so long trying to fit in, where I really don't, I shouldn't be here....I shouldn't be in this place I am now....but I am...and I suppose I can only be grateful for that....I just don't want to feel lost and alone anymore!

Friends and aquaintances

I've got back online after quite sometime without an internet connection, found myself as facebook as you do, and have started to question goings on in this strange world....

Firstly, at what point does and aquaintance become a friend? what really is it that makes a person a friend. what do you have to know and feel about a person to call them your friend? Do you need to know what it is about them that you like, or can a random stranger be considered a friend?

why does facebook presume that people are "freinds" when often they are just people you happen to know...and more often, someone you have met once or twice. Doees one feel more warmth towards another because they are "friends"?

why are certain people friends with eachother? what is it that brings people together to become friends?

why am I questioning the friendship thing? people are just freinds because they are right? or is there more to it? or should there be more to it?

The time of our lives

I'm thinking, yes, I know, difficult to believe.....

I've recently got back home from Glastonbury Festival. Oddly it's one of the most surreal experiences ever, it never feels like you're there, yet feels like you've been there a whole lifetime. It feels like a completely different world, and yet is in the same world as our own. It's simply amazing, bizarre, utterly fantastic and crazy in one place.

For a few days reality dissapeares, and rather than worry about the stresses that follow many people around like a huge great big black cloud, or trap them in that vast abyss of nothingness, people escape and come together in harmony for one momentus occassion. It is simply magical!!

Oddly, returning to one's home town, actually feels wrong, unlike most other times one has been away, where home seems to call out, on this occasion returning is a sad one. Everything feels different, it doesn't have the comforts of home, but more the uncomfortablness of mundanity, and a lacking of excitement.

Having said that, there is something to think about while sat at home, wathcing telly, and that is that yes, there really is something away from what we know as norm. There really is something else in this world, even if it is only a few days of the year, we'll remember it as a sort of magical healing. An enlightening experience, that happens just at the right time.