Or at least that is what they say. I'd say, in many cases it is more of a vice. If you are too patent you'll miss out on some stuff, mind you if in some cases you are not quite patient enough you could seriously piss someone off.....of you'll get pissed off yourself. When does it pay to be nice to someone? When does it pay to be a little less patient and a bit more forceful? Both have their own good bits and bad bits, which says to me that the saying is a bit false.
Asses the situation first, and if patience is more likely to help you out, keep hold of it......don't let it run out!!
25 November 2008
24 November 2008
Fear in faith
I believe yesterday I was banging on about fear in hope, and how it doesn't really do any good for the individual concerned. And as I now believe hope to be a faith in itself I thought I'd take a look at fear in religion....
Religion generally comes with a set of rules if you like, to follow. A good religious person follows all the rules. So if you do not follow every single rule all of the time, does this make you a bad religious person? I'm not religious, and therefore I wouldn't know. I would imagine though that the majority of religious people would believe the person that follws all the rules to be rather good.
Can you be a good Christian? Or a good Catholic? A good Muslim? A good Jew? Maybe it is possible, but I can't for the life of me think why anyone would let a set of rules made many moons ago govern the way they lead their life. My only thought is that of fear.
Faith it seems generally has this set of rules, and there are consequences if you don't follow them as you should. Perhaps you will upset your god, perhaps you will go to hell? Is that eternal damnation? I don't know, but a religious person is made to believe that this is what will happen if they break the rules. Of course, you may correct me if I am wrong, for I am not religious, and haven't really got any sources to back me up, it's all just guess work.
But who really knows what's around the corner? I'm more of a believer of seizing an opportunity. This is also a sort of faith, but then that "what if" fear comes in, and wola, you miss it.
Family is also a faith. If you do something against your families wishes you get punished for it. Therefore many people follow the rules, do as they are told, for fear that they may get into some serious trouble. They don't make friends with people they might actually like because their parents don't like them. Now in my opinion it is up to you who you choose to be friends with and what you do with your life. And fear is the one thing that holds everyone, and I mean everyone back.
You might believe in your best friend, but at some point fear of something will enter the relationship, and from that moment, it's never the same as it were before.
Think of the consequences of some of the things you've done....or even haven't done. I don't believe in living with regrets, but there are things I should have done, as I expect there are things that you should have done, but fear has held you back.
I suppose that if you live with the "everything happens for a reason" attitude, a faith in itself, then you would say that because you didn't do something due to a fear of yours, it wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, you would probably end up at the same point in the end, but would the journey to that same point been as it has? It could have been worse you say? What's that? Fear? Now perhaps you fear that the path you chose was wrong. But the path you chose was a faith. It was the safest option, but if an opportunity was set out in front of you, even if it went against you faiths (religion, family, friends) you missed out on something that yes, could have gone badly wrong, but you missed out on this why? So you didn't go to hell, and you didn't piss everyone off?
I'm kind of running around in circles here. I'm basically trying to say that fear in itself is, yes, you've guessed it, a faith. However, fear is probably the most picked up and put down faith. You only believe in fear when it suits you...or your friends, family and religion.
Religion generally comes with a set of rules if you like, to follow. A good religious person follows all the rules. So if you do not follow every single rule all of the time, does this make you a bad religious person? I'm not religious, and therefore I wouldn't know. I would imagine though that the majority of religious people would believe the person that follws all the rules to be rather good.
Can you be a good Christian? Or a good Catholic? A good Muslim? A good Jew? Maybe it is possible, but I can't for the life of me think why anyone would let a set of rules made many moons ago govern the way they lead their life. My only thought is that of fear.
Faith it seems generally has this set of rules, and there are consequences if you don't follow them as you should. Perhaps you will upset your god, perhaps you will go to hell? Is that eternal damnation? I don't know, but a religious person is made to believe that this is what will happen if they break the rules. Of course, you may correct me if I am wrong, for I am not religious, and haven't really got any sources to back me up, it's all just guess work.
But who really knows what's around the corner? I'm more of a believer of seizing an opportunity. This is also a sort of faith, but then that "what if" fear comes in, and wola, you miss it.
Family is also a faith. If you do something against your families wishes you get punished for it. Therefore many people follow the rules, do as they are told, for fear that they may get into some serious trouble. They don't make friends with people they might actually like because their parents don't like them. Now in my opinion it is up to you who you choose to be friends with and what you do with your life. And fear is the one thing that holds everyone, and I mean everyone back.
You might believe in your best friend, but at some point fear of something will enter the relationship, and from that moment, it's never the same as it were before.
Think of the consequences of some of the things you've done....or even haven't done. I don't believe in living with regrets, but there are things I should have done, as I expect there are things that you should have done, but fear has held you back.
I suppose that if you live with the "everything happens for a reason" attitude, a faith in itself, then you would say that because you didn't do something due to a fear of yours, it wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, you would probably end up at the same point in the end, but would the journey to that same point been as it has? It could have been worse you say? What's that? Fear? Now perhaps you fear that the path you chose was wrong. But the path you chose was a faith. It was the safest option, but if an opportunity was set out in front of you, even if it went against you faiths (religion, family, friends) you missed out on something that yes, could have gone badly wrong, but you missed out on this why? So you didn't go to hell, and you didn't piss everyone off?
I'm kind of running around in circles here. I'm basically trying to say that fear in itself is, yes, you've guessed it, a faith. However, fear is probably the most picked up and put down faith. You only believe in fear when it suits you...or your friends, family and religion.
23 November 2008
Love this!!
I watched The Beach a couple of nights ago. It's been a while since I've seen it...if you've not watched it for quite some time I recommend watching it. The above song is the one that plays over the end credits, and I was sucked into it from the very beginning. I don't have a clue why, but I felt compelled to watch the words move upwards on the screen, random people who did random things on a project...I really have no interest in who plays who and who does what, it's like I was being told to watch the credits though to listen to this song. I'll tell you why I like the song in a minute...
I never realised before what exactly was going on in The Beach, but when I watched it, it sort of clicked. A man, goes on an adventure, and due to a mistake made in his past gets separated from his group, away from the dream, and then creates his own reality, and to those around him goes insane. Suddenly there is a wake up call. I never even viewed it like that, it relates to me now, whereas years ago I just thought it was nonsense. Why it relates to me only one or two people would know.
I think the track is awesome though. The strings and the beat and the lyrics and the voice all fit together like the last remaining pieces of a jigsaw, and there is a mood about it that's wonderfully chaotic, yet soothing. The way it calms down and the sounds almost disappear, become very slow, smooth, and calm. The suddenly it picks up again like a storm. Yes, I think it's like that, and I likes it!!
The words actually mean something. There are many songs these days that are just thrown together in a way that people don't think about them, they just sing them....here are the lyrics....
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah, yeah
I believe there's a time and a place
To let your mind drift and get out of this place
I believe there's a day and a place
That we will go to, and I know you wanna share.
There's no secret to living (There's no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
There's no secret to dying (There's no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying.
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my fame.
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls.
I believe there's a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends (Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there's a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends (Let this vision end).
But I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
And I'm gonna cry in a space that don't hold my fame.
Walking in the cold
Just keep on flying
There'll be a searchlight
On the mountain high
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I'm a lonely soul
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name.
God knows you are lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
I'm a lonely soul.
So long, little chapel
Sweet is the sound
Pack up your light
Pack up your light
Say goodbye to the holy water life
Ohhh
Sweet sound in and out
Ahhh
Pushing it in
Hopes & Fears
I don't think it was all that long ago that I wrote about how awful hope was, and how the world would be better off without it, but I actually think in some cases hope of something better is the one thing that keeps people going, relationships stable, families together. There is always hope at the end of the day. It will always be there, and will never go away. It's something that is embedded deep within each and every one of us, and yes, while it can build some false happiness, nothing seems as bad as it really is when there is a possibility in ones mind of an alternative.
I think that before I was very angry. Nothing seemed to be as I had hoped it would be, and I lost my faith a little. But really, that's all it is, it is a question of faith. Hope can be magnificent really, if you believe in it. We all have it, but it's when people loose their faith in hope that everything suddenly go down the pan. Of course hope can make you sad as well as happy. Particularly if there is something you dream of and want so much, and yet you fear it is so far out of reach. Like you can never achieve it. Fear unfortunately is the problem here. A hope is not really a hope if fear is in it's way. Nobody can achieve their hopes is fear is in the way for the simple reason that fear is an enemy of faith. Ooooooh I like that!!
If fear stands in the way of hope I don't think the hope can be realised. Fear that comes with hope is generally the fear of what will happen if the hope doesn't turn out quite as you would have liked it to. This is because, I think I have said somewhere before, people create their own reality, and generally negative forces are much stronger than positive forces. I don't know why, something to do with the ego I suppose. They say that the ego is the part of you that doesn't think you deserve to be happy. It is your negative force, and is generally a lot stronger than any positives within. So when you have a hope, something you long for, something you dream about, and that little niggle in your mind hops in and says "no, no, no. It will all go wrong eventually, why bother", shake it of as quickly as you possibly can. Try, go for what you want. Remain positive, even on the toughest days, and you will reap the rewards. It might not happen over night, but as they say....good things come to those who wait. The world and life are beautiful, so why rush through it all?
I think that before I was very angry. Nothing seemed to be as I had hoped it would be, and I lost my faith a little. But really, that's all it is, it is a question of faith. Hope can be magnificent really, if you believe in it. We all have it, but it's when people loose their faith in hope that everything suddenly go down the pan. Of course hope can make you sad as well as happy. Particularly if there is something you dream of and want so much, and yet you fear it is so far out of reach. Like you can never achieve it. Fear unfortunately is the problem here. A hope is not really a hope if fear is in it's way. Nobody can achieve their hopes is fear is in the way for the simple reason that fear is an enemy of faith. Ooooooh I like that!!
If fear stands in the way of hope I don't think the hope can be realised. Fear that comes with hope is generally the fear of what will happen if the hope doesn't turn out quite as you would have liked it to. This is because, I think I have said somewhere before, people create their own reality, and generally negative forces are much stronger than positive forces. I don't know why, something to do with the ego I suppose. They say that the ego is the part of you that doesn't think you deserve to be happy. It is your negative force, and is generally a lot stronger than any positives within. So when you have a hope, something you long for, something you dream about, and that little niggle in your mind hops in and says "no, no, no. It will all go wrong eventually, why bother", shake it of as quickly as you possibly can. Try, go for what you want. Remain positive, even on the toughest days, and you will reap the rewards. It might not happen over night, but as they say....good things come to those who wait. The world and life are beautiful, so why rush through it all?
A single grain of sand....
can tell you everything you needed to know about the world, and a whole lot more.
I think it's amazing that just by holding onto one tiny grain of sand you are holding the key to our existence. Not only does it tell the history of our planet, but the history of the entire universe.
One teeny tiny grain of sand!
I think it's amazing that just by holding onto one tiny grain of sand you are holding the key to our existence. Not only does it tell the history of our planet, but the history of the entire universe.
One teeny tiny grain of sand!
15 November 2008
It's all about forgiving.....
I read something a couple of days ago that turned me back into my miserable self, when during the course of the week I made a consorted effort to pick myself back up. It was a blog entry on the web about letters of forgiveness.
In practice you write a letter to someone, you tell them in that letter what they did to hurt you, following which you write that you forgive them for it. There was a "sample letter" on this blog, that a man had wrote to his father who had been abusive and distant for his [the man] whole life. There were many comments and good wishes, including many people talking about their own forgiveness letter experiences. It's not always necessary to actually give the letters to the people. You write it as a form of release. I suppose whether or not you give the letter to someone depends on the circumstances.
Those who chose not to pass on the letter, or wrote to friends and relatives who had passed away had "rituals" such as burning them or attaching them to helium balloons and letting them fly off. I suppose it's good to get those thoughts down on paper and throw them out into the cosmos, and with any luck be relieved of ill feelings placed inside.
I've got hopes of this task. I think that there are an awful lot of things whirling around in my head these days that need putting to bed. Some of which are things that are not even relevant to my life now, but still in some way are hiding just beneath the surface, and preventing me from growing as a person. My plan for the evening is to write a list of those who have brought some form of pain to me, and forgive each and every one of them.
In practice you write a letter to someone, you tell them in that letter what they did to hurt you, following which you write that you forgive them for it. There was a "sample letter" on this blog, that a man had wrote to his father who had been abusive and distant for his [the man] whole life. There were many comments and good wishes, including many people talking about their own forgiveness letter experiences. It's not always necessary to actually give the letters to the people. You write it as a form of release. I suppose whether or not you give the letter to someone depends on the circumstances.
Those who chose not to pass on the letter, or wrote to friends and relatives who had passed away had "rituals" such as burning them or attaching them to helium balloons and letting them fly off. I suppose it's good to get those thoughts down on paper and throw them out into the cosmos, and with any luck be relieved of ill feelings placed inside.
I've got hopes of this task. I think that there are an awful lot of things whirling around in my head these days that need putting to bed. Some of which are things that are not even relevant to my life now, but still in some way are hiding just beneath the surface, and preventing me from growing as a person. My plan for the evening is to write a list of those who have brought some form of pain to me, and forgive each and every one of them.
12 November 2008
Crazy, Mad, Insane Mentalness
Why is it that people always look to science for answers to their problems.
Why do people have to be suffering from depression or OCD or schizophrenia or any other metal disorder just because they don't really fit in with whatever "normality" might be. None of those mental disorders are real. Not in my opinion anyway, and forgive me if I am wrong, but is it not just there to comfort people.....I mean if you think there is something wrong with you, and then it's confirmed that in fact there is something wrong with you, does this not to some extent make you feel better? All these weird and wonderful mental illnesses are just words that collectively describe how someone might feel at any given moment, but they don't really exist. They are just words, and terms.
I was looking at bi-polar disorder yesterday, if you don't know what it is, just look it up....is it not what any "normal" person experiences? Everyone goes though bouts of feeling rather down, and everyone goes through periods where they are intensely happy. It just depends on what's going on in their lives and their reaction to it. I might be wrong, but that's my thought on the matter. I watched BBC Horizon last night, it's a two part documentary about mental health disorders, and for every disorder that they described I felt myself going, oh is that's what's wrong with me? I do that, and that and that. I must be a depressive. Then, I have got that, I do that, I must have social anxiety. Oh I have those weird things, I must have OCD.
Fact of the matter is, that then I came and looked at bi-polar disorder and said to myself, now that's what I have got. And I'm sure if they had described schizophrenia I would have said, that's me!
Do you know why? Because there are no such things. They are just terms that make people feel better. They can justify their behaviour that they don't believe to be "normal". THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!
Nobody, not one person in this world is normal. Everyone has their ups and their downs, their good qualities, their bad qualities, their quirks and their let downs. Every single person on this planet can be happy or sad or numb. It all depends on that persons present situation and how they react to it.
While a medical professional might tell me that I have Bi-polar disorder, manic depression, OCD, social anxiety or schizophrenia, because I have character traits that are in line with each and every disorder going, I don't. I'm just a person who does odd things every so often, and doesn't think straight 100% of the time. Think about it logically.....do you?
Would you feel better if someone told you you had a mental disorder and filled you with drugs that made you a normal? I for one wouldn't, and I would refuse to take them!!
Why do people have to be suffering from depression or OCD or schizophrenia or any other metal disorder just because they don't really fit in with whatever "normality" might be. None of those mental disorders are real. Not in my opinion anyway, and forgive me if I am wrong, but is it not just there to comfort people.....I mean if you think there is something wrong with you, and then it's confirmed that in fact there is something wrong with you, does this not to some extent make you feel better? All these weird and wonderful mental illnesses are just words that collectively describe how someone might feel at any given moment, but they don't really exist. They are just words, and terms.
I was looking at bi-polar disorder yesterday, if you don't know what it is, just look it up....is it not what any "normal" person experiences? Everyone goes though bouts of feeling rather down, and everyone goes through periods where they are intensely happy. It just depends on what's going on in their lives and their reaction to it. I might be wrong, but that's my thought on the matter. I watched BBC Horizon last night, it's a two part documentary about mental health disorders, and for every disorder that they described I felt myself going, oh is that's what's wrong with me? I do that, and that and that. I must be a depressive. Then, I have got that, I do that, I must have social anxiety. Oh I have those weird things, I must have OCD.
Fact of the matter is, that then I came and looked at bi-polar disorder and said to myself, now that's what I have got. And I'm sure if they had described schizophrenia I would have said, that's me!
Do you know why? Because there are no such things. They are just terms that make people feel better. They can justify their behaviour that they don't believe to be "normal". THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!
Nobody, not one person in this world is normal. Everyone has their ups and their downs, their good qualities, their bad qualities, their quirks and their let downs. Every single person on this planet can be happy or sad or numb. It all depends on that persons present situation and how they react to it.
While a medical professional might tell me that I have Bi-polar disorder, manic depression, OCD, social anxiety or schizophrenia, because I have character traits that are in line with each and every disorder going, I don't. I'm just a person who does odd things every so often, and doesn't think straight 100% of the time. Think about it logically.....do you?
Would you feel better if someone told you you had a mental disorder and filled you with drugs that made you a normal? I for one wouldn't, and I would refuse to take them!!
11 November 2008
Will the battle ever end?
It's 11th November, and today I took part in, as everybody really should the 2 minutes silence. Why do we do it. Well just in case you've been living in a shed for the past 90 years, it's a day of remembrance to remember those who have fallen whilst fighting for their country. The first world war ended on 11th November 1980, and that is what today is all about.
Now I watched the coverage this morning, just to make sure I didn't miss my cue to shut up and reflect. Of course I was amazed when watching the service by the three war veterans still alive today, who were representing the three forces, the Army, the Navy and the Royal Air Force. At 108, 110 and 112, I was amazed to see that they all still looked so healthy.
Of course it's not only about those who gave their lives in WWI or WWII but we remember everyone who has fallen even in recent years. But as the day went on I listened to people saying how those who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years are not hero's. The reason they are not hero's? The wars are unjust.
Unjust they may be, but these people have still given their lives. They have been sent by the armed forces into dangerous territory, believing that they are there for a good cause, and lost their lives. So whether the war is just or not, they have still thought believing that it's the right thing to do.
The forces are very attractive to young people leaving school. Not only is there decent pay, they have the opportunity to train in almost any field, gain qualifications, they do get to see the world, they get to live away from their parents, and it does look rather good on a CV. I know when I left school there were many people that were there with me that joined up. None of them expected to go to war. There was no war type things happening at that time.
The fact of the matter is, they do a job, because they have to. If you don't like what they are doing that's fine. But don't try to say that they are not hero's. It takes a certain type of person to go to a danger zone like that, would you do it? If the war was just would you do it?
Now I watched the coverage this morning, just to make sure I didn't miss my cue to shut up and reflect. Of course I was amazed when watching the service by the three war veterans still alive today, who were representing the three forces, the Army, the Navy and the Royal Air Force. At 108, 110 and 112, I was amazed to see that they all still looked so healthy.
Of course it's not only about those who gave their lives in WWI or WWII but we remember everyone who has fallen even in recent years. But as the day went on I listened to people saying how those who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years are not hero's. The reason they are not hero's? The wars are unjust.
Unjust they may be, but these people have still given their lives. They have been sent by the armed forces into dangerous territory, believing that they are there for a good cause, and lost their lives. So whether the war is just or not, they have still thought believing that it's the right thing to do.
The forces are very attractive to young people leaving school. Not only is there decent pay, they have the opportunity to train in almost any field, gain qualifications, they do get to see the world, they get to live away from their parents, and it does look rather good on a CV. I know when I left school there were many people that were there with me that joined up. None of them expected to go to war. There was no war type things happening at that time.
The fact of the matter is, they do a job, because they have to. If you don't like what they are doing that's fine. But don't try to say that they are not hero's. It takes a certain type of person to go to a danger zone like that, would you do it? If the war was just would you do it?
10 November 2008
Hummm....I like this
I have used the phrase “it might come back and bite you on the bum” a few times today. Seems it is my saying of the moment.
Other things I seem to be doing is setting alight to a baby wipe, a dry one, just to see how quickly it would flame up. The answer….very bloody quickly indeed. What about a wet one…..I’ll just test
It’s actually quite difficult to get a wet baby wipe going. I would still recommend though not leaving children, baby wipes and lighters/matches alone in a room together. That also means me!
Other things I seem to be doing is setting alight to a baby wipe, a dry one, just to see how quickly it would flame up. The answer….very bloody quickly indeed. What about a wet one…..I’ll just test
It’s actually quite difficult to get a wet baby wipe going. I would still recommend though not leaving children, baby wipes and lighters/matches alone in a room together. That also means me!
Giving up a life....
Is there anyone that means that much to you that you would give your life if it made him or her reap in happiness? While the occasion will probably never arise, it is worthwhile making sure this person is aware of just how much they mean to you. Time it appropriately though, or it could come back and bite you on the bum.
Jealous minds
Jealousy can turn a seemingly bright and happy person into something recognisable. Perhaps? Maybe? I’m not really sure, but I know this is one of the things in the forefront of my mind.
I’ve never let jealousy get the better of me. I have watched it destroy many friends’ relationships, and I have always been very determined that any jealousy I will swallow quickly. Trouble is, that this is one of those things that is easier said than done, and it does come back and bite you on the bum.
Currently I am jealous of every relationship a friend of mine has. I’m jealous of their counsellor that sounds so bloody brilliant. I cannot compete with that. I can’t compete with all these people on TV who look stunning because they have make-up artists who do it all for them. I am jealous of people that have a certain colour of hair, just because they might be more appealing than me. In fact I am jealous of everyone that a friend of mine has met and left a lasting impression on, and everyone they will meet in the imminent future. I am jealous of their relationship with members of their family, particularly their parents, because I’d love this to be the case with my own, but my family-life is nothing like theirs.
This is all simply down to the fact that my self-esteem has become so low of late that I just don’t feel I have anything to offer them as a friend anymore. And the only thing I can offer is something that I myself am very unsure about, not really any good at, and fills me with fear and dread.
The fact of the matter is that jealousy is a massive part of a persons ego. It is not a nice quality, but unfortunately is it one we all possess, and we all will be a victim of at some point in our lives. No matter where it stems from, the only thing that determines what it does to you is to react in the right way. For example if someone is jealous of you for being beautiful or clever, and you pick up on this, really you should feel flattered that they have obviously let you get under their skin enough. If you let them make you feel bad you may end up with a massive complex about yourself, this will lead to a huge blow in confidence and self-esteem.
I’m not sure how one combats the jealousy in themselves. I suppose the answer for me would to be to think rationally about whether these people, particularly those on the television really are a real threat to my friendships? And are old friends and ex-partners a threat? Probably not. So why is the jealousy there? I think it’s triggered by a whole host of feelings. If I remember right, the ego is the thing that makes you believe that you deserve nothing. So the ego, pride and jealousy are all very closely linked. Depending on how big your ego is, I guess determines whether you succumb to it, or battle it with everything you have got. I hope, for my sake, and other friends’ sake that I don’t succumb to this, because once you succumb to an emotion of this kind it can destroy not only you but the people around you too.
9 November 2008
I cry
I think the time has come to write a bit about myself again, and what's in my head. I've spent countless nights talking to myself about my problems, crying my heart out, because I don't really have anyone I can talk to as a form of release. Trouble is, that if you only speak to yourself as a form of release....well it's not a release at all, because the information that you "release" goes straight back into you. It's a vicious circle.
Unfortunately it is my own fault. I pushed many people close to me away. I became a shadow of my former self. In fact, I don't even remember my former self. I remember that I did odd, rather random things. I had some sort of drive in me to entertain with my stupid antics. On the occasion I still do it now. I am not full of wit, I don't know any jokes, and I'm not even very good at getting jokes that I am told. I have a series of defence mechanisms, that my brain invented just to keep me safe. It's now second nature to me. The problem is, that it has become a habit. Habits are generally very difficult to get rid of. And if you pick up the wrong habits, this leaves you trapped. They don't enable you to fulfil your life fully, nor do they enable you to even so much as enjoy your life. In fact, my habit means that bit by bit I am breaking down.
I'm at the stage where I cry quite regularly. I've come to the point where that's all I know I can do well. And as I type this I am holding back, because nobody can know how I feel, and I think my parents are making me some lunch. I cannot let them know that I feel as low as I do. Nobody can know.
To most people I've always been miss happy-go-lucky Ashley. Always smiling. Always just enjoying the ride.....and then, and still now I do silly things like start dancing in shops, because it gets a reaction from people. I can still do this now. It detracts away for a few moments from how much my insides hurt. I like to see other people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.
I'm only a bit slow on the uptake of things due to force of habit. It happened one day. I used it as a defence, and it worked. Suddenly I didn't have to be clever any more. I could live in my own little world, and nobody would think anything else of it. That's just Ashley. The vast majority of my relationships are based around this mechanism. Even the ones I don't want to be are, because I've done it for so long, that I haven't got a clue where to start to get around it.
I lack motivation. I have no motivation to wake up each day, and once I am awake I certainly have no motivation to do anything else. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy, it's because I am incredibly miserable. I am stuck in everything I hate about life so much. Surrounded by it. Engulfed in it, and at the moment I see no way out. I have no means of escape, not even for a few moments.
I can put on some music, and on the occasion I get lost in it, but it requires a relaxed mind of which mine is not. Mine never switches off. I always seem to be thinking of something that's wrong. Mostly I am angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I have reacted to so many things in such a way that I have ended up feeling and living in this way. There is no longer happiness behind my eyes. I am no longer happy-go-lucky. I am a fake. I am an imposter, and yet so many people have said "I wish I was more like you Ashley". This of course upsets me even more. I am an imposter, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to be like me now.
I'm in so deep that I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Nobody can know about me. Nobody can know how sad I feel inside, and how frustrated this makes me feel. I will not share it with anyone because I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that this is what I have become. I would imagine also that many people wouldn't understand. That if I did attempt to explain they would be unable to comprehend it, because I seem so "normal".
In fact, if anyone were to know about me, and the pain behind my eyes it would be the one I refer to as the amazingness. He is the only person I really trust to tell all to...but as has become a force of habit, I contradict myself to detract away from the point. I have become unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I also feel it to be unfair to this person to have hold of my feeligns because they have been through so much. And I was never really there for them when or how they needed. I feel that I have let them down, and been a constant dissapointment and burden on their life. I've tried to walk away many times, but I cannot. I've never felt the way I feel about them about anyone. Yet I do not show it. I do not know how.
While I am not emotionally numb, that I am sure, I am not able to express them in a way that people expect. I live life on the defensive. I feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything that I think or feel. In the past I've been ridiculed. Told that I'm pathetic. Made to feel like a complete idiot around people when I have given my view or opinion, that I created another defence mechanism, whereby I can no longer form one, or give one. This hurts me almost as much as knowing that I am alone.
I just can't see any way out now. I'm beginning to wonder if I will always be like this. I had all these hopes of what I would be doing a year from now, but in my current state of mind I fear that a year from now I'll be sitting here feeling like this, writing something very similar, still crying whenever I get the chance to be alone knowing that nobody will find out.
I would appreciate it, if anyone does read this, they don't leave me comments telling me that I am "not the only one" or "not alone" or anything of the sort. For nobody feels what I do in the same way that I do. Nobody anywhere feels this about anything because every single person expreiences life in a completely different way. I don't need advice or pity of any sort. I am capable of pulling myself out I'm sure....I just don't know how long it's going to take.
Unfortunately it is my own fault. I pushed many people close to me away. I became a shadow of my former self. In fact, I don't even remember my former self. I remember that I did odd, rather random things. I had some sort of drive in me to entertain with my stupid antics. On the occasion I still do it now. I am not full of wit, I don't know any jokes, and I'm not even very good at getting jokes that I am told. I have a series of defence mechanisms, that my brain invented just to keep me safe. It's now second nature to me. The problem is, that it has become a habit. Habits are generally very difficult to get rid of. And if you pick up the wrong habits, this leaves you trapped. They don't enable you to fulfil your life fully, nor do they enable you to even so much as enjoy your life. In fact, my habit means that bit by bit I am breaking down.
I'm at the stage where I cry quite regularly. I've come to the point where that's all I know I can do well. And as I type this I am holding back, because nobody can know how I feel, and I think my parents are making me some lunch. I cannot let them know that I feel as low as I do. Nobody can know.
To most people I've always been miss happy-go-lucky Ashley. Always smiling. Always just enjoying the ride.....and then, and still now I do silly things like start dancing in shops, because it gets a reaction from people. I can still do this now. It detracts away for a few moments from how much my insides hurt. I like to see other people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.
I'm only a bit slow on the uptake of things due to force of habit. It happened one day. I used it as a defence, and it worked. Suddenly I didn't have to be clever any more. I could live in my own little world, and nobody would think anything else of it. That's just Ashley. The vast majority of my relationships are based around this mechanism. Even the ones I don't want to be are, because I've done it for so long, that I haven't got a clue where to start to get around it.
I lack motivation. I have no motivation to wake up each day, and once I am awake I certainly have no motivation to do anything else. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy, it's because I am incredibly miserable. I am stuck in everything I hate about life so much. Surrounded by it. Engulfed in it, and at the moment I see no way out. I have no means of escape, not even for a few moments.
I can put on some music, and on the occasion I get lost in it, but it requires a relaxed mind of which mine is not. Mine never switches off. I always seem to be thinking of something that's wrong. Mostly I am angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I have reacted to so many things in such a way that I have ended up feeling and living in this way. There is no longer happiness behind my eyes. I am no longer happy-go-lucky. I am a fake. I am an imposter, and yet so many people have said "I wish I was more like you Ashley". This of course upsets me even more. I am an imposter, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to be like me now.
I'm in so deep that I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Nobody can know about me. Nobody can know how sad I feel inside, and how frustrated this makes me feel. I will not share it with anyone because I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that this is what I have become. I would imagine also that many people wouldn't understand. That if I did attempt to explain they would be unable to comprehend it, because I seem so "normal".
In fact, if anyone were to know about me, and the pain behind my eyes it would be the one I refer to as the amazingness. He is the only person I really trust to tell all to...but as has become a force of habit, I contradict myself to detract away from the point. I have become unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I also feel it to be unfair to this person to have hold of my feeligns because they have been through so much. And I was never really there for them when or how they needed. I feel that I have let them down, and been a constant dissapointment and burden on their life. I've tried to walk away many times, but I cannot. I've never felt the way I feel about them about anyone. Yet I do not show it. I do not know how.
While I am not emotionally numb, that I am sure, I am not able to express them in a way that people expect. I live life on the defensive. I feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything that I think or feel. In the past I've been ridiculed. Told that I'm pathetic. Made to feel like a complete idiot around people when I have given my view or opinion, that I created another defence mechanism, whereby I can no longer form one, or give one. This hurts me almost as much as knowing that I am alone.
I just can't see any way out now. I'm beginning to wonder if I will always be like this. I had all these hopes of what I would be doing a year from now, but in my current state of mind I fear that a year from now I'll be sitting here feeling like this, writing something very similar, still crying whenever I get the chance to be alone knowing that nobody will find out.
I would appreciate it, if anyone does read this, they don't leave me comments telling me that I am "not the only one" or "not alone" or anything of the sort. For nobody feels what I do in the same way that I do. Nobody anywhere feels this about anything because every single person expreiences life in a completely different way. I don't need advice or pity of any sort. I am capable of pulling myself out I'm sure....I just don't know how long it's going to take.
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