Stop leaving

It's safe to say that history repeats. I don't need to evidence that. It's always around, always about, always blatantly obvious. Some people don't notice it, but some do.

I do notice a few things. This means me being wrapped up in my head for a little while, but people keep leaving.

Ive had a string of good friends. In fact in terms of being homeward bound, it's only the people that have left that ever were good friends, barr the odd one or two. Being homeward bound makes me happy. I like being in Thetford. I like being at home. I don't understand why. I don't exactly get along that well with my parents, though I love them I suppose. In fact sometimes I'm not sure that I do. But shhhhhh. I much prefer my little brother and my nan if I am honest.

Anyway, I do feel like I am being left behind. Except one or two....no, really just one, everyone else has left. My best friend from school got married and left the country. My adopted big brothers, who for a while I spent every spare momemnt I had with, well all three of them left....not in one go.....but none of them are close by. There was a guy who fled the country. There was a boyfriend who simply dissapeared, supposedly out of the country, but a few months after they supposedly left the country they actually did, and then I found out. And then there was the greatest person I've ever known....and guess what, they fled the town and moved far away.

Okay, so thats where I wallow in it. I often wonder if perhaps there is something that wrong with me that people need to go so far away to get away from me. I know that's a bit extreme, but it has crossed my mind before. I also know that thinking that way is wrong. The time for pastures new comes up in everyones life, and undoubtedly for some, moving away and making a fresh start somewhere is what happens. And while I am genuinely happy for all those friends that have come and gone, and who I've seen change an come along in leaps and bounds, I can't help but feel that I am going to get left behind.

This is slightly hypocritical though. I for one have no intention of being here, or even in this country in two years time. With all my hopes and dreams of which really is only to travel, I don't suppose when the time comes it will matter. It wont matter who has come and gone all tht will matter is that I am off. Living my own dream.

I often find myself thinking about the friends that have walked away. I sometimes winder what they are doing, and of course, as is only natural, what would be happening if they were still here now. It takes a while, but you do eventually realise that your only one true friend is your own mind. Lets hope that doesn't decide to take of sometime soon too - haha

The Lighting of a Candle

I was in London yesterday, and had a peek inside St Mary's Church. It's a pretty little church next to Westminster Abbey, and both my nan and myself lit a candle each.

I lit mine in the hope that it would bring light into a certain persons life after what seems like a long string of bad times. May that little light burn inside them, and fill them with good times, happiness, joy, laughter, and the nice and good things that this small world has to offer at present.

I suppose it's the thought that counts.

Nostradamus videos

Sorry, unlike the last few there isn't a video for the whole thing, so I have posted in parts....in the right order too












Part 8 is missing because I can't find it. I think that's the part where they start looking towards the end of the world, but you wont miss out on too much by not seeing it just keep looking out for it on The Histiry Channel because I am sure it will be on again.

The Lost Book Of Nostradamus

You know how every now and then you watch a documentary and sort of wish you hadn't. Well I recorded The Lost Book Of Nostradamus quite some time ago, and had a spare hour & half today, so thought I'd watch it.

I found it absolutely fascinating, but at the same time it sent shivers down my spine. As I watched the video I felt like it was talking to me, and like I was being watching. Every unexpected sound in the house made me jump, but I was compelled to continue watching.

I was thinking as I watched this about the Law of Attraction. So generally they say that you can attract anything to you, if you ask for it, and believe that you have it already. If this is the case then it will come. Generally it only seems to have an effect on the person, or on another person if it results in a positive happening for the person asking. Negative thought though is much more powerful than the positive. Negative things keep coming, until a person can change themselves to bring on power within for the better.

This lost book of Nostradamus contained images. These made me think about those sigils things that the Grant Morrison guy mentioned in the video I watch with the amazingness some time ago. Magik things. Not watched it since I watched it with the amazingness, but it suddenly popped to mind while watching the documentary.

Well here's the video for that if anyone is interested....



Anyway, I was thinking about such things. And they both sort of do the same thing, so can they work together simultaneously? The lost book is full of pictures and paintings that prophecies the future. Although nobody actually knows who the illustrator is, and that it actually is to do with Nostradamus himself, his name is mentioned in the book, and these paintings seem to relate to the manuscript Les Propheties.

Of course, with the popularity of the Law of Attraction, and magik as it is today it gets you thinking. If a person has written to prophecise the end of the world, and drawn pictures to show that the end of the world is going to happen, then could the power contained within those pictures, writings and the individual be enough for it to come true?

Apparently after the 9/11 attack the most popular search term on the web was Nostradamus. The symbolism attached to the drawing in the lost book, like many things before and since, point to 2012 to be the year of the apocalypse. And as more people become interested in the events that are leading up to 2012, and the awareness of 2012 picks up, could this mean that people are actually attracting it.

Could people be the ones that are bringing the apocalypse for having believed in the apocalypse.

I'll post the Lost Book of Nostradamus videos in a separate blog post. but if you listen to it, it does bring out a somewhat convincing argument of the 2012 apocalyptic end...or indeed beginning. But then, have they come about 2012 as the date because so many people before hand have, particularly the Mayans. 2012 has been thrown about for an age now. Most people are aware of it. The Mayan calendar ends here, but is it possible that it could start going backwards with a whole new world of enlightened beings. The apocalypse doesn't necessarily mean that suddenly we are all going to drop off the planet. It could be the beginning of some very exciting times ahead. Just maybe.

I think I am getting away from the point of my post. But could Nostradamus have used his words, and these paintings that came from his words to create these things......rather than them just happening.

According to Nostradamus the world will end in 3797, hence why 2012 could be a leap forward in the development of humankind, as apposed to death and destruction. Perhaps the speed at which climatic events, natural disasters and war are spreading at the moment....well could be a big wake up call, but not in the typical sense. Perhaps it serves not as a warning, but as an awakening. And yes, they might be the same thing near enough, but they do have key differences. A warning is just that. A warning. You don;t have to take notice, though you probably should. An awakening, wakes you up to what is going on.

It's a little like tat thing that the amazingness used to tell me, and that's that you have to suffer to find who you are. Not his exact words, I might add, but that was the general gist of it. So perhaps all this is happening to lead up to 2012 to awaken all of us. Whether this will be a good or a bad thing I don't know.......

Anyway, that was my though, If enough people believe that they are going to die in some big catastrophic event, then they will.......

Humm....I wonder......

I was walking the dogs with my nan today. We were chatting about various bits and things and rubbish, and then suddenly, from out of nowhere she asked me this question:

Ashley, are you lonely?

She's always asking me odd questions. I put it down to me not being your typical 22 year old. I don't go out. I don't really speak to anyone that much. I dote on one person that I don't really even have contact with anymore. I guess it isn't normal is it?!

AM I lonely? Well I replied, I am to the extent that I don't really have any friends nearby, but I am alright on my own. But I do wonder if I do. I was just watching a programme. In this programme someone said somethign about changing dramatically when you have lots someone to ease this loss. I've not really lost anyone. I lost my gt nan, and I miss her terribly, but this can't have changed me as a person. And then I was thinking....do you have to loose someone on a physical level (i.e. they die) for this to happen. Have the events of the last year or so had more of an effect on me than I think. Right from the first time I had thought I lost that special person. Over and over I felt that they were gone. Gone for good. It was the easiest thing to think. I used to laugh it off, and say to people that everything would be okay in a few days. I'm not sure that I ever believed it. And then there is now. And I sit in my room munching on chocolate because I am a typical girl. Something goes wrong and we eat chocolate to compensate. It works.....well until the bar is finished with.

I'd never needed anyone before. Unlike the majority, I never had a need to belong somewhere. I hadn't ever felt what it was like to feel that I really truly belonged. And then suddenly I did. I did. I felt that I belonged almost instantly. And then I knew what it was like. And while I still believe that I am okay, and will cope just fine and dandy on my own...I want that back. I want to belong to them again. So very very much.

I am not usre whether or not I am loosing a grip on myself. I've wrote recently about my identity crisis. And I know that everyone has them from time to time. I know the chances are that with everything that's happened I am most likely to remember the bad bits, because they have greatest impact. Remembering the bad stuff it seems should make something easier to forget. To cover up. To replace with another experience. Why does our mind do that? Rather than working through things, it simply just replaces experiences. It never forgets them. And then when something similar comes along, it brings forth all of these things out of the filing cabinet. Why doesn't it forget. And why can ones head not be filled with nice stuff. If I really try hard I can remember everything nice that's ever happened....but it does take almighty effort. Anyway...the thing being is that the bad stuff that has happened over the last year or so is rather easy to forget. I put it down to the both of us not being in good places on the inside. With two people not feeling right, things don't work. I always had an excuse for the both of us when things didn't work. therefore I only remember the good part, the connections, the immense evenings, and the times when I walked away blissfully happy, like nothing I'd ever felt before.

And then it was gone. Removed from me. And it hurt, it really hurt. I still brush it off.

I tell you a secret. I've never belonged, because I've never opened up. I've never let my guard down. Even now, when you read and think you know how I am feeling, I am not telling the whole story. I never do. I know that people know me as Ashley, go get em'. I'm this lively, wacky lady that always smiles.

I don't know what I am getting at. I guess I am lonely at this very moment in time. Though not helping myself as I choose to sit alone. I choose to do everything alone. I even want to travel on my own. Live on my own etc etc. I am a lone ranger. I always have been. But never before have I had a real feeling that perhaps I am lonley. Perhaps after having belonged for so long....I want to continue belonging.

I know that given the chance...well I could have shown my good side. My lively side and my softy side. I was almost willing to let my guard down and tell things that I never told. And that now I never will.

I am lonely. I am always lonely. I am a lone ranger. I am in solitary confinement, alone in a world I created on my own. It's my world. It's my version of life. It's my mind and imagination that's putting it there. I made it all up. I've got to deal with the consequences. So if I am unhealthy let it be so...I can cope with it this way. I don't think I can cope with letting another in again...so I wont!

Ashley, the good, the bad, the lone ranger!

Norms and values = morality?

Just because something fits in with a cultures norms and values [think sociology] it doesn't make it moral [think philosophy].

I am going to use the old killing chestnut to demonstrate this. Is it okay to kill? Some people would say yes it is. Thinking of perhaps animals, murderers, euthanasia, war. Other people would say no. Thinking of innocent people, animals, murderers, euthanasia, war. It's generally innocent people that seem to be killed in an immoral way. Innocent people that have no need to be dead, because they've done nothing wrong.

In some places this is a common everyday occurance, and in those places perhaps it's not as much of a taboo subject as it is in our Western Culture. The Samurai for example used to take their own lives becuase they were ashamed of something they had done. And it was done rather regularly everywhere. I think they stabbed themselves while someone else chopped off their heads or something like that. Thus it was okay to kill.

Suicide rates are on the increase and that says something doesn't it. Perhaps more people are seeing things, and yet they know, or feel, that they have no control and have no other option. I think those who commit suicide are a little on the selfish side. I think they are only thinking of themselves. I don't feel that they think about the impact that it has on their friends and family. And it does. I feel sorry for them in the sense that thy felt they had no other choice.

War is one of those funny arguments, that wont ever really be solved. War is a beast. Those who fight in the war, do they deserve to be killed? To the enemy, they are the enemy, they are shooting at them, they will shoot back. If they get killed, then it' s not immoral. However those that are fighting have been told that they have to. Do they want to? Do they feel it's right? You could say that that is what they joined the forces for. Many join the forces because it's an easy route into some sort of career. It shows that you have many qualities, making a job as a civilian slightly easier to find. Innocent people get killed in wars too. It's not just those who fight is it. And what is the reason for fighting? What does it solve?

Murderes do it. Murder I feel is immoral. but some murderers wont see it that way. Perhaps they believed something, and saw something that we don't. What gave them this idea to kill in the first place. Self-defense is okay I guess, but you'd have to have put a lot of force into your self defense to kill. Says you are capable of it.

There's euthanasia too. Is it moral or immoral to help someone end their life. If they are suffering from a terminal illness, is it so bad. There are places around the world you can't do it. Places that you can. It's a bit of a taboo. It seems that it's okay to put animals out of suffering but not humans....and why is that?

Anyway...there are all kinds of things that happen, that whether they are normal or not, or valued or not....well some are, and some are not moral.

What is moral to you?