That’s life

Love it or hate it, the world is full of “stuff”: nice stuff, and bad stuff. With one type of stuff they other type will undoubtedly follow.

I’ve not felt as low as I have in the past week for ages. I’ve spent the past while being happy and incredibly positive…I know the exact date I cheered up suddenly, this was 28th August 2007. I was reading The Secret and suddenly a whole host of things clicked into place, and I was filled with an immense rush of excitement. I felt like I’d found the answer to a question that was really important, although I have no idea what that question was. I felt a sense of belonging, while belonging to no one.

But my life changed. I was more positive than I had been for an absolute age, I felt that everything would be okay, everything was good, I was going somewhere and nothing or no one would stand in my way. I didn’t realise that exactly 3 months later I would feel lower that 6ft under.

Working so much and various other things going on in my little world all kind of came to blows in my head. Last Friday when I got back to Leicester after an amazing and nice couple of days at home, I realised that I am myself when I am there, back in sunny Thetford. The town that everyone that lives there hates, but finds so hard to leave. Every time I go back and return to Leicester a part of me stays behind. Suddenly I was sad and angry at the same time, all at once, and really just because of a bit of washing up. I also realised that I was stuck in Leicester for the best part of 3 weeks…I sat and cried and said to myself calmly “Ash, what am I doing?” I couldn’t reply.

I guess one of the major factors of my miserableness is one of those things I cannot comprehend. I ask people, their response is “that’s life.”

I wonder why some people succeed and others don’t. The people who have no respect for others always seem to succeed, while the people that really deserve something get nothing. It actually disgusts me somewhat…it’s not life. That isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We are all the same. We were all created equally. We are all alone, but for some reson we’ve managed to group together. I do not think it’s a good thing. We hurt people. We spend half our lives doing things to make other people feel bad and lonely, and for what? Because it makes us feel better. I’m sorry, but how on Earth can that make anyone feel better about themselves? It makes no sense to me.

I get eaten away by some incredible sense of guilt if I so much as say something that could be taken the wrong way, and in my head I tell myself off, and continue to explain myself just in case.

Relationships are funny things. I ask why the people we are interested in are not interested in return. The answer….that’s life. This is quite hard to grasp. Sometimes I reflect on the past year. Almost all of it has been taken up pining after someone I barely understand, and yet can’t seem to stop thinking about. The trouble is that I want to understand him more that I’ve ever understood anyone. He’ll never know how much. It’s something that, try as I might, I cannot for th life of me put into words. Anyway, as he says he’s damaged goods, and that infuriates me somewhat. It goes back to people who are out to hurt others. Because of what people do, this amazing person, who’s got so much to offer someone, sadly not me, might not feel that they can, until it’s too late. But how can someone who’s built this massive barrier to protect themselves ever break it down?

It’s not fair that a small few people can make things so damn difficult for an amazing person. I’d quite like to chop them all up into little pieces, or at least belittle them until they feel as small as and as tiny as a micro-organism, and see how they bloody well like it. If I could make everyone who’s hurt him suffer, even if only a few minutes, I would.

And him, the object of my affection, well I just want to grab him, give him a hug and make sure he knows that everything will be okay. I can’t promise that though, and that would give a false sense of hope. In truth, with “that’s life” as it is, I can’t get any sense of any hope for anything. I do have faith though, and in one way or the other, something will happen. Something with a good outcome, and things will be better for him than they have in a long time,

As for me, I will watch the world carry on…I will let life pass me by, opportunities float along and wonder to myself, when this chapter is over, how are the few people that really matter to me getting along.

As for him, I want to understand, I want to be there, and I want him to realise that no matter what happens, I thank him for every single little thing.