Inadequate Soldier

Ever feel like everything is something, but you are nothing? Like you are a single soldier battling against an army of 2million, and yet you know not how to fight? That’s me. I am an inadequate soldier. I’ve fought many battles, I know not how, but somehow I have managed to survive, although I am constantly fearful of the next fight. I can win, I am strong enough, but would I rather run away? NO!

I’ve ran so much I am exhausted, and the 2million strong army caught up with me when I stopped to rest. It’s tough luck. I no longer feel that I am fighting a loosing battle for me. You have given me so much more courage than words care to define. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I can do the same for you in time. Now I have a reason to fight this ongoing battle, and with you on my side it seems easy.

Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for lending me a helping hand, and thank you for showing me the way when I am blind. You are not alone anymore, for I am always with you in my thoughts and in my dreams. I’ll always be gone, but never for long. Being with you is my small measure of peace. The kind that everybody seeks, but is rarely ever found.

This is for you. I know not how to express how I feel and what I think in words, it’s completely unknown to me. I will learn for me & for you, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

That’s life

Love it or hate it, the world is full of “stuff”: nice stuff, and bad stuff. With one type of stuff they other type will undoubtedly follow.

I’ve not felt as low as I have in the past week for ages. I’ve spent the past while being happy and incredibly positive…I know the exact date I cheered up suddenly, this was 28th August 2007. I was reading The Secret and suddenly a whole host of things clicked into place, and I was filled with an immense rush of excitement. I felt like I’d found the answer to a question that was really important, although I have no idea what that question was. I felt a sense of belonging, while belonging to no one.

But my life changed. I was more positive than I had been for an absolute age, I felt that everything would be okay, everything was good, I was going somewhere and nothing or no one would stand in my way. I didn’t realise that exactly 3 months later I would feel lower that 6ft under.

Working so much and various other things going on in my little world all kind of came to blows in my head. Last Friday when I got back to Leicester after an amazing and nice couple of days at home, I realised that I am myself when I am there, back in sunny Thetford. The town that everyone that lives there hates, but finds so hard to leave. Every time I go back and return to Leicester a part of me stays behind. Suddenly I was sad and angry at the same time, all at once, and really just because of a bit of washing up. I also realised that I was stuck in Leicester for the best part of 3 weeks…I sat and cried and said to myself calmly “Ash, what am I doing?” I couldn’t reply.

I guess one of the major factors of my miserableness is one of those things I cannot comprehend. I ask people, their response is “that’s life.”

I wonder why some people succeed and others don’t. The people who have no respect for others always seem to succeed, while the people that really deserve something get nothing. It actually disgusts me somewhat…it’s not life. That isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We are all the same. We were all created equally. We are all alone, but for some reson we’ve managed to group together. I do not think it’s a good thing. We hurt people. We spend half our lives doing things to make other people feel bad and lonely, and for what? Because it makes us feel better. I’m sorry, but how on Earth can that make anyone feel better about themselves? It makes no sense to me.

I get eaten away by some incredible sense of guilt if I so much as say something that could be taken the wrong way, and in my head I tell myself off, and continue to explain myself just in case.

Relationships are funny things. I ask why the people we are interested in are not interested in return. The answer….that’s life. This is quite hard to grasp. Sometimes I reflect on the past year. Almost all of it has been taken up pining after someone I barely understand, and yet can’t seem to stop thinking about. The trouble is that I want to understand him more that I’ve ever understood anyone. He’ll never know how much. It’s something that, try as I might, I cannot for th life of me put into words. Anyway, as he says he’s damaged goods, and that infuriates me somewhat. It goes back to people who are out to hurt others. Because of what people do, this amazing person, who’s got so much to offer someone, sadly not me, might not feel that they can, until it’s too late. But how can someone who’s built this massive barrier to protect themselves ever break it down?

It’s not fair that a small few people can make things so damn difficult for an amazing person. I’d quite like to chop them all up into little pieces, or at least belittle them until they feel as small as and as tiny as a micro-organism, and see how they bloody well like it. If I could make everyone who’s hurt him suffer, even if only a few minutes, I would.

And him, the object of my affection, well I just want to grab him, give him a hug and make sure he knows that everything will be okay. I can’t promise that though, and that would give a false sense of hope. In truth, with “that’s life” as it is, I can’t get any sense of any hope for anything. I do have faith though, and in one way or the other, something will happen. Something with a good outcome, and things will be better for him than they have in a long time,

As for me, I will watch the world carry on…I will let life pass me by, opportunities float along and wonder to myself, when this chapter is over, how are the few people that really matter to me getting along.

As for him, I want to understand, I want to be there, and I want him to realise that no matter what happens, I thank him for every single little thing.

Scardy Cat

While it has to be said that I am not afraid of 8-legged creatures, and can’t understand why people would be, wasps are another matter entirely.

Wasps are the beasts of the insect world. They, unlike bumblebees, are out to kill.

At around 1.30 in the am, I got myself into bed, without bothering to switch off the light, because I was being lazy. Stripped as you do, pulled the covers over me and… heard this rather loud buzzing noise. I looked up, and to my horror was a giant monster flying towards me with one intention… TO KILL.

I let out a somewhat girly scream (acceptable because I am a girl) and hid under the covers. When the buzzing had stopped and the creature had taken an interest in my light, I took the opportunity to sneak past the beast. I grabbed the hairspray… but as I sprayed him with the cocktail of chemicals it went insane.

ATTACK… I threw the bottle of hairspray and screamed, had trouble unlocking my bedroom door in the panic, and as soon as I was able ran out of my room and slammed the door behind me.

After being stranded on the landing for a short while, I returned to my room, and waspie features was nowhere to be seen. I inspected my bed sheets, and it appeared that I was safe. Moment later I spotted the great monster sitting on a towel, unable to fly due to a case of sticky wing syndrome. Haha, I thought, I have you right where I want you.

I got the corner of the towel and dragged it out into the hallway – but the creature wasn’t about to give up, and chased me on foot, but I had the upper hand! I sprayed it until it could run no more and had a bit of a fit on my floor.

That’ll teach you to try to kill me beast.

I didn’t quite have the heart to put it out of it’s misery with a book. Instead I picked it up on an envelope and threw it out the window.

Never again will that monster attack moi. DON’T MESS WITH THE ASH!!!!

Confusion

Sometimes things come your way - good opportunities. While in your heart you want to go along with it, your head tells you not to, and you are left with a predicament.

Now I’m a keen believer in following your heart, but it’s not always that simple. The result… absolute turmoil.

Thinking, as I’ve said many time, is the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems… as is money.

And so the battle of the heart and your head. Things would be fine, if, that thought didn’t pop into your head; everything would be fine and dandy.

Is it real anyway? Is the thought you think you though just in fact made up to justify what your heart really wants? What I mean by that is… well do you always want what’s in your heart, is your head in fact just testing you… I’m not actually sure how to explain that.

Basically, I think what I am trying to say is…whatever happens, whatever life may hold, follow your ticker and see where it leads you… it knows better than anything what you should do…

Untitled

This is actually a source of entertainment, keeping me occupied while the brother is in town doing odd bits & pieces to fix his guitar so he can make more music.

My rambles, rants and thought have been minimal recently. Do not fear, I’m not stuck in the dark ages in my head, I’ve had loads to write, things that I do not remember now, I just don’t ever seem to have any writing implements to jot them down when they’ve been there. I think that’s called sod’s law.

Sometimes I do think I should keep my thoughts to myself. Some of them are very out there and need explaining. I’m rubbish at explanations. But hey-ho, from my crappy random rambles I think you will understand them if you are supposed to.

I wonder a lot of things a lot of the time. There’s so much I want to know about the world and life. However, “the world” and “life” are such vast areas.

I was wondering yesterday about plants. How do trees know when to loose their leaves? The summer after all has been relatively naff (although I think I preferred it). So, it’s been nippy, wet, cold and not exactly really bright and sunny, and not a whole lot of light, and yet the tree still knows.

Only Time Will Tell

It has to be said that things can change dramatically in only seconds, so how can we plan for tomorrow?

It is impossible to know what exactly we will be doing in a few days time, let alone a few years.

Of course I, like most people have a 5-year-plan that I intend to stick to, but circumstances change so quickly that I have had to accept the fact that other things may be hiding around the corner that may accelerate that plan, or indeed mean it will never happen.

We can only really think a couple of days ahead, even that will change rapidly. The trouble with a 5-year-plan is that it is usually an idealistic view of the future. This leads to expectations, which generally leads to dissapointment.

I am all up for the idea of living for today, living for now, it’s the only time we have any control over our circumstances. Tomorrow may never come. The 5-year-plan may never come. By all means work towards your goals, but ensure that what you do do you enjoy doing. If you don’t, ask yourself, is it worth doing? Work out alternative ways to carry out your plans. Ways that you can enjoy them.

Think deeply…is it a realistic goal? Is it really what you want? You may find, if you ask yourself enough, that actually you need a new plan, because things inside you have changed since you devised your plan. You’re not the same person anymore, and the plan is no longer a realistic one in your frame of mind.

Life is a gift. You should enjoy every experience with a fresh outlook and with a positive approach.

Be pro-active

Use your intuition

Reflect and think

Be true to yours truly

Above everything be happy. Enjoy the ride. Life really is what you make it, and the only person you can make happy… is yourself.

Forget What You Thought You Knew 15/10/2007 23:25

Because most likely, and more often that not, you didn’t know it anyway.

I blame the media, constantly filling people’s minds about all kinds of rubbish, about all kinds of things.

I didn’t know this time last year what I know now, and I don’t know now what I will know this time next year. I, as most others am on a journey, a quest for knowledge, and for a bit of truth in this world of lies. To go on a quest is to question most of everything. Answering questions with yet more questions, and yet whilst doing so, finding the answers to many more questions.

Not all questions have simple easy answers, and some don’t have answers at all….but the world is full of ideas, themes, knowledge and beliefs, all of which are also following a journey. Key ideas may change over long periods of time, and sometimes only very slightly, but whilst we develop these ideas further, we ourselves are developing further, and we are needing to ask more questions, and answer those new questions with yet more questions, whilst still finding answers. The more we learn, the more we can learn, the more we can questions, and the more fulfilled our knowledge will be, and so on and so forth.

Wipe the slate clean, forget what you thought you know, because if you dig deep enough you will find out that, in fact, your life is full of superficial thoughts, beliefs and truths. They are superficial because most are hidden. The world is better described as being filled with lies and corruption.

I plan to take a journey around the sun, find accept, and understand the questions I ask and the answers I find and remain truthful to myself.

I HOPE YOU WILL DO THE SAME!!

The Road Ahead

Why do we constantly argue with ourselves in our own minds? We argue away inside about hat is right or wrong; what we really want out of life, and what we’re going to do when The Bill finishes.

This process generally leaves us feeling exhausted and unsatisfied.

Debating the debatable.

Dreams 12/10/2007 12:32

As a child I was scared stupid of fire, and rather regularly I had nightmares all involving fire. Does the meaning of dreams, like most things change over time, just as we do?!

Most spiritually type people say that seeing fire in a dream is a good thing. It mostly down to spiritual preparation for things that are going to happen.

Nowadays, if I have dreams of or visualisations of fire in my mind it doesn’t scare me at all, but when I was younger I would wake myself out through sheer terror. Of course dreams all have meanings, and I am one of the lucky ones that remembers what they see, i write dreams down when I get the chance, and it’s appropriate. Writing them down though is only a relatively recent development, and so I wonder whether the fact that I remember dreams from when I was younger that I didn’t write down as a constant reminder, is for a reason.

Was there something in those dreams that I was supposed to look back now and see do we think? I am guessing so, or why else would I remember them for years, and suddenly have a interest in such things? Either that or I was so scared by it, that I have never been able to forget.

It Could Be a Blessing In Disguise

Well indeed it could, but it’s not ever really something you want to hear when something goes wrong. Trouble is that mostly this is the best outlook to have when something does indeed go a bit wrong.

You learn from your mistakes, and ore often than not, things that go wrong are a result of your own actions. The reason why people have strokes of bad luck is because they see everything that happens around them as being bad. The trouble is that when people think bad thoughts they only get bad things. And too many people settle for the bad things.

I could be one of them, but I don’t intent to succumb to the things that are going on around me making my life difficult. For example, I am a student, and my finances are in a dire state. I’ve spent the last couple of months convincing my bank, and credit card companies that I will have my student loan by 1st October, and will pay them everything I owe (and that’s a lot) when it comes. Due to issues surrounding the post I will not be getting my loan for another 2 weeks, so I am quite sure that they will be on my case rather soon. At this point I could crumble, be miserable worry constantly about my finances, or I could be pro-active about it, tackle it, and get on with things. The plan is rather than to worry, borrow some money off the bank of Mum & Dad, out this money in my bank account, call the credit card companies, and then offer token payments until my loan comes through. This means I wont incur even more charges, and reduces the risk of a bad credit history etc.

This problem is a result of my own actions, and I made my mistakes by involving myself further in credit cards because I wanted an easy life in the financial sense. Well that backfired didn’t it. Most people would in fact worry, and end up with debt collectors coming around. The reason; they believe that they can’t do anything. There will always be someone who is willing to lend you a small sum, even if it’s only a tenner, just to get these people off your back. It will tie you over until you can get your hands on some proper money.

Thing is, bad things have to happen. If nothing bad happened ever, and you went through a blissful life, well that would actually be amazing. And even if things did go wrong constantly, well you can actually still lead a blissful life. Something can always be done, no matter what the problem is. The world is full of people who are worse off than you, until you get to that poor sod who’s at the bottom of the food chain so to speak, and is miserable as sin. Now we look at this person who is very very miserable, and then look at someone who has been through the same things….what separates the two? What makes one happy and one sad? The answer…their outlook on life.

Make the most of what you’ve got, learn from your mistakes. Take note of the cycles you seem to go in, whatever it may be, money, love, career choices….and break those cycles, or you’ll end up in a never-ending loop of “badness”. Tackle problems head on, rather than thinking that if you ignore them and avoid them they’ll go away. THEY WON’T!

I firmly believe that the outcome of your life, the people you meet and various other things you will meet regardless of what happens, because everyone comes into your life for a reason, and everything happens for a reason. It’s not until you are old and on your deathbed that you’ll understand why what’s happened has happened, and why people walked in to and out of your life. But you can make things one hell of a lot easier and much better for yourself if you keep a smile on your lovely face =)

He Who Analyses Too Much Misses The Point 11/09/2007 23:03

And isn’t that so true.

I’m guilty of this; I know I am...when I think of something I really go into a deep thought about it. People spend so much time weighing up the pros and cons of any situation, circumstance and offer.... and before you know it you’ve ruined it.

Music for example, and adverts. I mean if you study something a bit technical about music of advertisements, well I’m sure that means you’ll be really critical of it, and rather than sitting back and relaxing to a piece of music, or watching an add and thinking “Oh I may have to try that product” you say.... ooooh that drum isn’t right, or they could have made that ad campaign better by.........

I mean, why don’t we take things at face value, say oh okay, and be done with it. Instead we read into everything.... every gesture.....for example.....your man buying flowers....you instantly think they are feeling guilty about something, when just maybe they want to show that they appreciate you for a change?!

People come up with so many theories of life.... and sometimes I think...why even wonder about the point of it.... if you spend time wondering what the point of life actually is, you loose out on that time to enjoy yourself right? Unless of course you enjoy analysing music, adverts, and life...then I suppose it’s okay.

Again, another blog with little point...but just felt that it was worth a thought...but don’t analyse it, or you’ll miss the point.... of which really.... there isn’t!

Happiness, Happiness, The Greatest Gift That I Possess

About a week ago now, I sat and watched The Pursuit of Happyness. I watched it because, and only because it has Will Smith in it, but as with most things nowadays it got me thinking. One line in particular stood out to me, and that was this…

“It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that? “

This line is so powerful and beautiful, and it got me into such a deep thought....a thought I was really excited about.

What really is happiness?! How do we know when we are happy?! Is happiness real?! Is it an actual real emotion, or is it just a word someone came up with. How can you tell that you you are happy, can you explain to someone else what happiness is?!

I asked Stew about happiness....I sent him a text sometime in the last couple of weeks saying

“You said to me once not so long ago that you were the happiest you’d ever been, with your new philosophy of life and stuff...I am wondering how do you know what happy is?! We get told what all these emotions are and stuff, but do they actually exist, or do we just get made to believe that they do?”

To which he replied

“Its good your thinking this way, but happiness is what you make it. It easy to teach, its harder to learn what it is without an open mind”

So the pursuit of happiness....I am firmly in the belief that true happiness does exist, but that true happiness can only be found by having experienced true struggles and tests...not just the ones that are brought on by bouts of self-pity that you have only yourself to blame for, but real struggles....

For having the belief in yourself to overcome those struggles.....when you overcome these major struggles and pull yourself to right, and continue to believe in and love yourself....well that will lead to one euphoric moment....that euphoric moment is HAPPINESS.

There are thousands of ways of describing the good feelings that you get....happiness is used far too widely and loosely, and I think it has lost it’s true meaning. Happiness is the one defining moment of your life. It is that one defining moment that only you can feel and nobody else...but at that moment you will be so overwhelmed with emotion...and you will never forget it.

I wish to have one of these moments, and as I lay on my “death bed” I wish to look back over all my life and remember this moment above everything else.

So back to the film, not the best film of all time....but it worth watching it just to see how someone can overcome struggle and hardship, and how someone can experience happiness....it is worth watching the whole film for the line I quoted earlier...and this

“This part of my life… this little part… is called ‘happyness’.”

Do You Really Think What You Think You Think?

Well....I’ve been wondering this for a little while....the blog following this may explain why.....I don’t know what it’s going to say yet...haha so actually it might not =)

So dreams....they are seemingly random images that come from your sub/unconscious....many people don’t ever remember them, some people do, most that do dream, dream in black and white, and a few dream in colour.

Dreams mean a lot more than people think. As the great Carl Jung realised they are random images, but they have meaning.....everything you see in your dreams is a message for you to work out, and see, to understand things deep within you....things about you that you might not even know are there....they can show things you want....things you don’t want....troubles you are going through....troubles that may come....but best of all, they show you how to overcome many things....you just need to spend a bit of time looking at them and reflecting on them. Which is actually very easy once you’ve given it a go a few times.

So do you really think what you think you think?! And what I mean is that some really random though that may pop into your mind at some random time....well if dreams mean something far different from what it at first seems....then why don’t thoughts.

For example....a thought such as “I wonder what Italian cows look like” could actually really mean something like “I think I’ll have spag bol for tea”...hummm...not quite the philosophical or spiritual thing I was going for...but that was quite random, and could actually be a symbolic representation of something else.....if that makes sense.

And are there thoughts that run through your head that you choose to ignore....the things you don’t like to think you think, but actually you do....I have no idea....but I intend to do some reading on this matter to see what happens =)

A Good Or Bad Year?

So far this year has been a bit of a roller coaster ride. There are two ways to look at it.....I could reflect on the year as a whole and think to myself that it’s been pretty rubbish. I’ve been in love with someone, and hated them...I’ve been miserable and turned into a bit of a recluse for a while. I dropped a load of friends for a while, and a load of friends dropped me...but I think the year so far has been amazing.

To start off with, way way way back in January the 3rd January to be precise Stew found me on Myspace. Although we have had our ups and our downs over the past 8 months, it has to be said, that for all the times I’ve hated him, loved him and not understood him, he did something for me that nobody else has ever done. Stewart introduced me to this whole new world, this whole new life that I never knew existed, and yet it has always existed. I thank him very much and think he is an absolute star.

For ages I was bogged down with it, I let all these bizarre things consume me, I thought about and analysed everything. I saw things in people that I never saw before, I saw people’s bad sides too. I didn’t want to be around people, I only wanted to be around one person, who also happened to be the person I wanted to be around least.....sounds odd I know, I’ve only realised this recently. As much as I love Stew, and of that I am certain, the turmoil my mind went through almost everytime we met or communicated by any means, simply says to me not to bother, and I understand that now, it just took me while to see it.

Anyway, this whole new world. It is a world full of corruption, and people being fed information that is a whole load of rubbish to dumb them down so that they can’t think for themselves. People being told how they should and shouldn’t behave, what’s normal, what’s acceptable. This happens everyday, and nobody notices. I do not understand why, or how people can’t notice, but it’s so true. It’s not all bad though. The good in this world far outweighs the bad in every way possible. But the majority of people have never seen the good in the world, for they are fed and fuelled by media and news...which is more often than not bad news. An earthquake, bomb, war, famine.....all these are negative things....trouble is the more negative things people see, the more negative they feel about the world we live in and never bother to see the good stuff. TRY IT!!

The good stuff.....well the good stuff is you. It’s me. It’s your loved ones. It’s everybody. The energy that people have running through them however is generally used to negative effect. People don’t know how to be positive anymore. Look past the bad stuff, I dare you. If you look back over your life, forget the bad bits....remember only the happy bits. The times when you felt good, you had fun. Dance a little....just do a random jig every so often. Listen to music that takes you back to that time. Music is amazing....you meet someone and have nothing in common with them....but music moves everyone in different ways....speak to someone about music, what kind they like...wow!!

So I started to think more positively about most stuff....admittedly not everything....and as soon as you change your mindset everything seems so much better. Try it, please do try it....and if you don’t believe me that changing your mindset is the only way possible to achieve something....well Shaz recommended a book to me, it’s called The Secret....I’ve only read about 20 pages, but it’s backed up so much stuff that Stewart taught me, and that I though myself already, I cannot believe it.

It’s funny, at the end of 2006 I didn’t want to come into 2007 because it’s a odd-numbered year, and I am a bit superstitious....but from the word go the year has been good. Like I say it’s had it’s ups and downs, but I’ve had experiences that this year have changed me as a person, changed my mindset, changed my way of thinking. Bought me new friends, helped me communicate better with old ones....and given me the most amazing and intense feelings I’ve ever felt....and it’s all down to one message at some weird time on 3rd January from a person I kinda recognised , but didn’t at the same time (I did work out who they were the next day), who from their Myspace profile sounded interesting, and had me feeling something for them straight away....

I said this to a friend a couple of weeks ago about an old friend that walked back into her life.....I’m sure she wont mind me using a snip of the advice I gave her.....

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friends come into our lives for various different reasons, and fulfill certain things....I guess you never really know what until you sit back in a million years and reflect on all the relations you’ve had with people, and maybe then when you have the perception it will become clear. We learn more about these things as we experience things....we at this precise moment are far tooo young and ignorant to understand this fully....but there is definitely something in what I just wrote.

Anyways, if a person is worth having in your life then they will be in your life at random times, for random lengths of time, and will often leave and re-enter it faster than you can say Bobs your Uncle!!

Now I’m not saying that because this person has miraculously just found you that everything will be back to what it once was....I’d think of it like starting a fresh if I were you...forget all the problems you had in the past.....after all, you can’t change what happened, that time has been and gone....you cannot tell at this moment what will come from this friendship.....all you can do is go along with what is happening at the present moment. live for you, and live for now. If you want this person in your life them welcome them back and let go of past happenings....or they could destroy things in the present....do you get what I am saying?! Make of that what you will.....it’s a bit cryptic I know, but the only way to learn these things is to work it all out for ourselves....other people can influence you, but only YOU can follow your heart!!

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My verdict:- A good year, and things can only get better