"New year, new start"

This seems to be a uniquely human thing, that somehow 1st January means that everything that ever happened before no longer matters, and people start looking towards what a wonderful year they could have.

Now then, the problem with this seems to be that people thunk they can simply forget about the past and move on. It's very rare that people sit down and reflect on what happened, how and why it happened, and how they dealt with it...and if they actually did deal with it. You cannot simply forget, your mind does not simply forget, and it will catch up with you eventually. For some dealing with things means getting completely drunk, but alas this is aim of forgetting, and is not dealing with something. It is important to tackle and ride out any problems that arise, no matter how difficult it may be, for there will be a light at the end of the tunnel, and you will be released from it's grip.

SO it's the new year, it will be the same as the last. It will have it's ups, and it's downs. But as we're human we'll probably only ever look at the bad bits. Try writing a list of just the good things that happened last year...or across your whole entire life, and keep them close to your heart as a kind of pick-you-up. Something that will bring you light in the dark times. But please don't go thinking that everything is going to be brilliant.

I work with a suspicion that the way you begin your New Year gives you an indication as to what it will bring. Well at midnight I was home alone crying. And I'd probably not felt that alone...EVER!! The only company I did have was two dogs. One was a vibrating pillow, scared of the fireworks that suddenly blasted into action. The other was sat on a windowsill upstairs happily watching them...If this is how my year will pan out...so be it. It's also an odd year, not only is it an odd year, but the last number is a multiple of three...I have suspicions about threes and about odd years.

Anyway happy new year!!

I want to be a philosopher

I've thought about this for a while. I've pondered, and thought. I want to be a philosopher. I want to be my own Plato. I want to come up with all the right questions, and give some well thought out structured answers. The more I think I want to be a philosopher, the more I think it's what I want. After all, thought is an ability we all posses. Some people have abstract thoughts, some simple thought, but they are all thoughts of a sort.

So I revel in the age old question, "are we human because we gaze at the stars, or do we gaze at the starts because we are human?". I may go one one further as to wonder, in either case, why the stars seem so fascinating. But then I suppose that goes down to the bigger picture, and why are we all here? The cosmos is a wonderful mystical thing, and so truly magnificent...it's difficult to get your head around. But that's what great philosophers do, they get their heads around these things, they do it by thinking. And anyone can think...can't they?

How do you be a philosopher anyway? Surely there is more to it than just thinking? And surely you need to be fairly well educated, either self or institutionalised educated. Would I make a good philosopher being an absent minded numpty? Being that I am an optimistic depressive, who quite likes freak weather, death, doom and destruction...am I safe to be a philosopher?! I know nothing about being a philosopher? Well that's a lie, for I would be a sceptic, so I can't know nothing, as I cannot truly know anything. I'd be the one always looking for the exception to the rule. The black swan!

But surely being absent minded isn't a bad thing for philosophy. Of course it might be, but is it not better to have a good thought from an absent minded fool, than to have a bad thought from a person who isn't of an absent mind? But then there is no such thing as a good thought, or a bad thought, or a right or wrong one. It's just a thought. But my ethos is that if the thought comes from you, then it's a good thought for you. But then you can only wonder why you thought of it, and why it's a good thought for you, and eventually it could turn out, once you've pondered a little bit too much, that it was in fact a bad one.

Life as such is just a fantasy. Oooh I like that, fantasy makes it sound more exciting than a figment of ones imagination. But I believe that here on this little planet we reflect the cosmos. The universe is in our hands. you see, there are many stars out there that will stay put for a while yet, and those stars are reflected by monuments all over this floaty ball of ours. And I say ours, it doesn't belong to a person in charge, it belongs to everyone. Everywhere else in space there are bits of rubble and all sorts floating around and these I believe are the people. The people are the bits of rock...maybe, I don't know. Now I say that it seems a little bit too far-fetched, but then isn't that what philosophy is all about.

Don't get me wrong, I don't want to pull people's lives apart, because philosophy can do that....all I want to do is think thoughts of magnificence. Thoughts that reflect who I am, or what I am, whatever and whichever I may or may not be.

I'm not smart, that articulate or even good at expressing myself in any way, shape or form, but I suppose there is no harm in trying, if that's what might be good/bad/right/wrong for me.

You said...you did

You said...
Let's make a promise that whatever happens we'll always be there for each other

You did...
Turn your back on me when I needed you most

I did...
Not desert you, hurt you, take the piss, or use you
Cared about you more than anyone else on the planet

You said...
Lets both keep a blog so we know what one-another are thinking

You did...
Not read mine and respond when I needed YOUR opinion
Stop writing the one I knew about, because of "stupid comments"

I did...
Let you know what I thought of your posts, how good and meaningful they were
Spend hours looking for the other blog, but never found it

You said...
You'd never hurt me

You did...
Pull me apart piece by piece, pushed me away and drew me back in, only to repeat it all again

I did...
Keep letting it happen because I see the good in you

You said...
I have no friends

You did...
Befriend me

I did...
Not desert you when everyone else did

Christmas is a drug

Could Christmas possibally be a drug?

You get the come up, where the excitement builds in your belly, and your general mood lightens, you speak to people you don't usually speak to just because it's the run up to Christmas. You fall in love with the idea of Christmas, you are surrounded and dazzled by lights, and pretty things. Then comes the day, and you have reached the ultimate high, everyone is smiling and bringing their own presence into the day. For the day everyone gets along, even if they wouldn't normally, as they all enter into the spirit of Christmas and leave their disputes at the door.

The day goes on, people eat, drink and be merry, play a game or two, have the Christmas snooze, and as if by magic, suddenly it's all over....

But what comes next? I put it to you that following on from Christmas is the come down. Faced with the reality that in a day or two you will return back to normal. That another year will begin, will another set of trials and tribulations...the high ends and day to day normality resumes.....

Christmas is a drug!

Patience is a virtue

Or at least that is what they say. I'd say, in many cases it is more of a vice. If you are too patent you'll miss out on some stuff, mind you if in some cases you are not quite patient enough you could seriously piss someone off.....of you'll get pissed off yourself. When does it pay to be nice to someone? When does it pay to be a little less patient and a bit more forceful? Both have their own good bits and bad bits, which says to me that the saying is a bit false.

Asses the situation first, and if patience is more likely to help you out, keep hold of it......don't let it run out!!

Fear in faith

I believe yesterday I was banging on about fear in hope, and how it doesn't really do any good for the individual concerned. And as I now believe hope to be a faith in itself I thought I'd take a look at fear in religion....

Religion generally comes with a set of rules if you like, to follow. A good religious person follows all the rules. So if you do not follow every single rule all of the time, does this make you a bad religious person? I'm not religious, and therefore I wouldn't know. I would imagine though that the majority of religious people would believe the person that follws all the rules to be rather good.

Can you be a good Christian? Or a good Catholic? A good Muslim? A good Jew? Maybe it is possible, but I can't for the life of me think why anyone would let a set of rules made many moons ago govern the way they lead their life. My only thought is that of fear.

Faith it seems generally has this set of rules, and there are consequences if you don't follow them as you should. Perhaps you will upset your god, perhaps you will go to hell? Is that eternal damnation? I don't know, but a religious person is made to believe that this is what will happen if they break the rules. Of course, you may correct me if I am wrong, for I am not religious, and haven't really got any sources to back me up, it's all just guess work.

But who really knows what's around the corner? I'm more of a believer of seizing an opportunity. This is also a sort of faith, but then that "what if" fear comes in, and wola, you miss it.

Family is also a faith. If you do something against your families wishes you get punished for it. Therefore many people follow the rules, do as they are told, for fear that they may get into some serious trouble. They don't make friends with people they might actually like because their parents don't like them. Now in my opinion it is up to you who you choose to be friends with and what you do with your life. And fear is the one thing that holds everyone, and I mean everyone back.

You might believe in your best friend, but at some point fear of something will enter the relationship, and from that moment, it's never the same as it were before.

Think of the consequences of some of the things you've done....or even haven't done. I don't believe in living with regrets, but there are things I should have done, as I expect there are things that you should have done, but fear has held you back.

I suppose that if you live with the "everything happens for a reason" attitude, a faith in itself, then you would say that because you didn't do something due to a fear of yours, it wasn't supposed to happen. And yes, you would probably end up at the same point in the end, but would the journey to that same point been as it has? It could have been worse you say? What's that? Fear? Now perhaps you fear that the path you chose was wrong. But the path you chose was a faith. It was the safest option, but if an opportunity was set out in front of you, even if it went against you faiths (religion, family, friends) you missed out on something that yes, could have gone badly wrong, but you missed out on this why? So you didn't go to hell, and you didn't piss everyone off?

I'm kind of running around in circles here. I'm basically trying to say that fear in itself is, yes, you've guessed it, a faith. However, fear is probably the most picked up and put down faith. You only believe in fear when it suits you...or your friends, family and religion.

Love this!!

I watched The Beach a couple of nights ago. It's been a while since I've seen it...if you've not watched it for quite some time I recommend watching it. The above song is the one that plays over the end credits, and I was sucked into it from the very beginning. I don't have a clue why, but I felt compelled to watch the words move upwards on the screen, random people who did random things on a project...I really have no interest in who plays who and who does what, it's like I was being told to watch the credits though to listen to this song. I'll tell you why I like the song in a minute...

I never realised before what exactly was going on in The Beach, but when I watched it, it sort of clicked. A man, goes on an adventure, and due to a mistake made in his past gets separated from his group, away from the dream, and then creates his own reality, and to those around him goes insane. Suddenly there is a wake up call. I never even viewed it like that, it relates to me now, whereas years ago I just thought it was nonsense. Why it relates to me only one or two people would know.

I think the track is awesome though. The strings and the beat and the lyrics and the voice all fit together like the last remaining pieces of a jigsaw, and there is a mood about it that's wonderfully chaotic, yet soothing. The way it calms down and the sounds almost disappear, become very slow, smooth, and calm. The suddenly it picks up again like a storm. Yes, I think it's like that, and I likes it!!

The words actually mean something. There are many songs these days that are just thrown together in a way that people don't think about them, they just sing them....here are the lyrics....

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah, yeah

I believe there's a time and a place
To let your mind drift and get out of this place
I believe there's a day and a place
That we will go to, and I know you wanna share.

There's no secret to living (There's no secret to living)
Just keep on walking
There's no secret to dying (There's no secret to dying)
Just keep on flying.

I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a space that don't hold my fame.

God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls.

I believe there's a time when the cord of life
Should be cut, my friends (Cut the cord, my friend)
I believe there's a time when the cord can be cut
And this vision ends (Let this vision end).

But I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
And I'm gonna cry in a space that don't hold my fame.

Walking in the cold
Just keep on flying
There'll be a searchlight
On the mountain high
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
God knows you're lonely souls
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
I'm a lonely soul

I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name
I'm gonna die in a place that don't know my name.

God knows you are lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
Lonely souls
I'm a lonely soul.

So long, little chapel
Sweet is the sound
Pack up your light
Pack up your light
Say goodbye to the holy water life
Ohhh
Sweet sound in and out
Ahhh
Pushing it in

Hopes & Fears

I don't think it was all that long ago that I wrote about how awful hope was, and how the world would be better off without it, but I actually think in some cases hope of something better is the one thing that keeps people going, relationships stable, families together. There is always hope at the end of the day. It will always be there, and will never go away. It's something that is embedded deep within each and every one of us, and yes, while it can build some false happiness, nothing seems as bad as it really is when there is a possibility in ones mind of an alternative.

I think that before I was very angry. Nothing seemed to be as I had hoped it would be, and I lost my faith a little. But really, that's all it is, it is a question of faith. Hope can be magnificent really, if you believe in it. We all have it, but it's when people loose their faith in hope that everything suddenly go down the pan. Of course hope can make you sad as well as happy. Particularly if there is something you dream of and want so much, and yet you fear it is so far out of reach. Like you can never achieve it. Fear unfortunately is the problem here. A hope is not really a hope if fear is in it's way. Nobody can achieve their hopes is fear is in the way for the simple reason that fear is an enemy of faith. Ooooooh I like that!!

If fear stands in the way of hope I don't think the hope can be realised. Fear that comes with hope is generally the fear of what will happen if the hope doesn't turn out quite as you would have liked it to. This is because, I think I have said somewhere before, people create their own reality, and generally negative forces are much stronger than positive forces. I don't know why, something to do with the ego I suppose. They say that the ego is the part of you that doesn't think you deserve to be happy. It is your negative force, and is generally a lot stronger than any positives within. So when you have a hope, something you long for, something you dream about, and that little niggle in your mind hops in and says "no, no, no. It will all go wrong eventually, why bother", shake it of as quickly as you possibly can. Try, go for what you want. Remain positive, even on the toughest days, and you will reap the rewards. It might not happen over night, but as they say....good things come to those who wait. The world and life are beautiful, so why rush through it all?

A single grain of sand....

can tell you everything you needed to know about the world, and a whole lot more.

I think it's amazing that just by holding onto one tiny grain of sand you are holding the key to our existence. Not only does it tell the history of our planet, but the history of the entire universe.

One teeny tiny grain of sand!

It's all about forgiving.....

I read something a couple of days ago that turned me back into my miserable self, when during the course of the week I made a consorted effort to pick myself back up. It was a blog entry on the web about letters of forgiveness.

In practice you write a letter to someone, you tell them in that letter what they did to hurt you, following which you write that you forgive them for it. There was a "sample letter" on this blog, that a man had wrote to his father who had been abusive and distant for his [the man] whole life. There were many comments and good wishes, including many people talking about their own forgiveness letter experiences. It's not always necessary to actually give the letters to the people. You write it as a form of release. I suppose whether or not you give the letter to someone depends on the circumstances.

Those who chose not to pass on the letter, or wrote to friends and relatives who had passed away had "rituals" such as burning them or attaching them to helium balloons and letting them fly off. I suppose it's good to get those thoughts down on paper and throw them out into the cosmos, and with any luck be relieved of ill feelings placed inside.

I've got hopes of this task. I think that there are an awful lot of things whirling around in my head these days that need putting to bed. Some of which are things that are not even relevant to my life now, but still in some way are hiding just beneath the surface, and preventing me from growing as a person. My plan for the evening is to write a list of those who have brought some form of pain to me, and forgive each and every one of them.

Crazy, Mad, Insane Mentalness

Why is it that people always look to science for answers to their problems.

Why do people have to be suffering from depression or OCD or schizophrenia or any other metal disorder just because they don't really fit in with whatever "normality" might be. None of those mental disorders are real. Not in my opinion anyway, and forgive me if I am wrong, but is it not just there to comfort people.....I mean if you think there is something wrong with you, and then it's confirmed that in fact there is something wrong with you, does this not to some extent make you feel better? All these weird and wonderful mental illnesses are just words that collectively describe how someone might feel at any given moment, but they don't really exist. They are just words, and terms.

I was looking at bi-polar disorder yesterday, if you don't know what it is, just look it up....is it not what any "normal" person experiences? Everyone goes though bouts of feeling rather down, and everyone goes through periods where they are intensely happy. It just depends on what's going on in their lives and their reaction to it. I might be wrong, but that's my thought on the matter. I watched BBC Horizon last night, it's a two part documentary about mental health disorders, and for every disorder that they described I felt myself going, oh is that's what's wrong with me? I do that, and that and that. I must be a depressive. Then, I have got that, I do that, I must have social anxiety. Oh I have those weird things, I must have OCD.

Fact of the matter is, that then I came and looked at bi-polar disorder and said to myself, now that's what I have got. And I'm sure if they had described schizophrenia I would have said, that's me!

Do you know why? Because there are no such things. They are just terms that make people feel better. They can justify their behaviour that they don't believe to be "normal". THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS NORMAL!

Nobody, not one person in this world is normal. Everyone has their ups and their downs, their good qualities, their bad qualities, their quirks and their let downs. Every single person on this planet can be happy or sad or numb. It all depends on that persons present situation and how they react to it.

While a medical professional might tell me that I have Bi-polar disorder, manic depression, OCD, social anxiety or schizophrenia, because I have character traits that are in line with each and every disorder going, I don't. I'm just a person who does odd things every so often, and doesn't think straight 100% of the time. Think about it logically.....do you?

Would you feel better if someone told you you had a mental disorder and filled you with drugs that made you a normal? I for one wouldn't, and I would refuse to take them!!

Will the battle ever end?

It's 11th November, and today I took part in, as everybody really should the 2 minutes silence. Why do we do it. Well just in case you've been living in a shed for the past 90 years, it's a day of remembrance to remember those who have fallen whilst fighting for their country. The first world war ended on 11th November 1980, and that is what today is all about.

Now I watched the coverage this morning, just to make sure I didn't miss my cue to shut up and reflect. Of course I was amazed when watching the service by the three war veterans still alive today, who were representing the three forces, the Army, the Navy and the Royal Air Force. At 108, 110 and 112, I was amazed to see that they all still looked so healthy.

Of course it's not only about those who gave their lives in WWI or WWII but we remember everyone who has fallen even in recent years. But as the day went on I listened to people saying how those who have died in Iraq and Afghanistan in recent years are not hero's. The reason they are not hero's? The wars are unjust.

Unjust they may be, but these people have still given their lives. They have been sent by the armed forces into dangerous territory, believing that they are there for a good cause, and lost their lives. So whether the war is just or not, they have still thought believing that it's the right thing to do.

The forces are very attractive to young people leaving school. Not only is there decent pay, they have the opportunity to train in almost any field, gain qualifications, they do get to see the world, they get to live away from their parents, and it does look rather good on a CV. I know when I left school there were many people that were there with me that joined up. None of them expected to go to war. There was no war type things happening at that time.

The fact of the matter is, they do a job, because they have to. If you don't like what they are doing that's fine. But don't try to say that they are not hero's. It takes a certain type of person to go to a danger zone like that, would you do it? If the war was just would you do it?

Hummm....I like this

I have used the phrase “it might come back and bite you on the bum” a few times today. Seems it is my saying of the moment.

Other things I seem to be doing is setting alight to a baby wipe, a dry one, just to see how quickly it would flame up. The answer….very bloody quickly indeed. What about a wet one…..I’ll just test

It’s actually quite difficult to get a wet baby wipe going. I would still recommend though not leaving children, baby wipes and lighters/matches alone in a room together. That also means me!

Giving up a life....

Is there anyone that means that much to you that you would give your life if it made him or her reap in happiness?

While the occasion will probably never arise, it is worthwhile making sure this person is aware of just how much they mean to you. Time it appropriately though, or it could come back and bite you on the bum.

Jealous minds

Jealousy can turn a seemingly bright and happy person into something recognisable. Perhaps? Maybe? I’m not really sure, but I know this is one of the things in the forefront of my mind.

I’ve never let jealousy get the better of me. I have watched it destroy many friends’ relationships, and I have always been very determined that any jealousy I will swallow quickly. Trouble is, that this is one of those things that is easier said than done, and it does come back and bite you on the bum.

Currently I am jealous of every relationship a friend of mine has. I’m jealous of their counsellor that sounds so bloody brilliant. I cannot compete with that. I can’t compete with all these people on TV who look stunning because they have make-up artists who do it all for them. I am jealous of people that have a certain colour of hair, just because they might be more appealing than me. In fact I am jealous of everyone that a friend of mine has met and left a lasting impression on, and everyone they will meet in the imminent future. I am jealous of their relationship with members of their family, particularly their parents, because I’d love this to be the case with my own, but my family-life is nothing like theirs.

This is all simply down to the fact that my self-esteem has become so low of late that I just don’t feel I have anything to offer them as a friend anymore. And the only thing I can offer is something that I myself am very unsure about, not really any good at, and fills me with fear and dread.

The fact of the matter is that jealousy is a massive part of a persons ego. It is not a nice quality, but unfortunately is it one we all possess, and we all will be a victim of at some point in our lives. No matter where it stems from, the only thing that determines what it does to you is to react in the right way. For example if someone is jealous of you for being beautiful or clever, and you pick up on this, really you should feel flattered that they have obviously let you get under their skin enough. If you let them make you feel bad you may end up with a massive complex about yourself, this will lead to a huge blow in confidence and self-esteem.

I’m not sure how one combats the jealousy in themselves. I suppose the answer for me would to be to think rationally about whether these people, particularly those on the television really are a real threat to my friendships? And are old friends and ex-partners a threat? Probably not. So why is the jealousy there? I think it’s triggered by a whole host of feelings. If I remember right, the ego is the thing that makes you believe that you deserve nothing. So the ego, pride and jealousy are all very closely linked. Depending on how big your ego is, I guess determines whether you succumb to it, or battle it with everything you have got. I hope, for my sake, and other friends’ sake that I don’t succumb to this, because once you succumb to an emotion of this kind it can destroy not only you but the people around you too.

I cry

I think the time has come to write a bit about myself again, and what's in my head. I've spent countless nights talking to myself about my problems, crying my heart out, because I don't really have anyone I can talk to as a form of release. Trouble is, that if you only speak to yourself as a form of release....well it's not a release at all, because the information that you "release" goes straight back into you. It's a vicious circle.

Unfortunately it is my own fault. I pushed many people close to me away. I became a shadow of my former self. In fact, I don't even remember my former self. I remember that I did odd, rather random things. I had some sort of drive in me to entertain with my stupid antics. On the occasion I still do it now. I am not full of wit, I don't know any jokes, and I'm not even very good at getting jokes that I am told. I have a series of defence mechanisms, that my brain invented just to keep me safe. It's now second nature to me. The problem is, that it has become a habit. Habits are generally very difficult to get rid of. And if you pick up the wrong habits, this leaves you trapped. They don't enable you to fulfil your life fully, nor do they enable you to even so much as enjoy your life. In fact, my habit means that bit by bit I am breaking down.

I'm at the stage where I cry quite regularly. I've come to the point where that's all I know I can do well. And as I type this I am holding back, because nobody can know how I feel, and I think my parents are making me some lunch. I cannot let them know that I feel as low as I do. Nobody can know.

To most people I've always been miss happy-go-lucky Ashley. Always smiling. Always just enjoying the ride.....and then, and still now I do silly things like start dancing in shops, because it gets a reaction from people. I can still do this now. It detracts away for a few moments from how much my insides hurt. I like to see other people laugh, even if it is at my own expense.

I'm only a bit slow on the uptake of things due to force of habit. It happened one day. I used it as a defence, and it worked. Suddenly I didn't have to be clever any more. I could live in my own little world, and nobody would think anything else of it. That's just Ashley. The vast majority of my relationships are based around this mechanism. Even the ones I don't want to be are, because I've done it for so long, that I haven't got a clue where to start to get around it.

I lack motivation. I have no motivation to wake up each day, and once I am awake I certainly have no motivation to do anything else. It's not because I'm incredibly lazy, it's because I am incredibly miserable. I am stuck in everything I hate about life so much. Surrounded by it. Engulfed in it, and at the moment I see no way out. I have no means of escape, not even for a few moments.

I can put on some music, and on the occasion I get lost in it, but it requires a relaxed mind of which mine is not. Mine never switches off. I always seem to be thinking of something that's wrong. Mostly I am angry. I am angry with myself. I am angry that I have reacted to so many things in such a way that I have ended up feeling and living in this way. There is no longer happiness behind my eyes. I am no longer happy-go-lucky. I am a fake. I am an imposter, and yet so many people have said "I wish I was more like you Ashley". This of course upsets me even more. I am an imposter, and I wouldn't want my worst enemy to be like me now.

I'm in so deep that I can't see a way out. There is no way out. Nobody can know about me. Nobody can know how sad I feel inside, and how frustrated this makes me feel. I will not share it with anyone because I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit that this is what I have become. I would imagine also that many people wouldn't understand. That if I did attempt to explain they would be unable to comprehend it, because I seem so "normal".

In fact, if anyone were to know about me, and the pain behind my eyes it would be the one I refer to as the amazingness. He is the only person I really trust to tell all to...but as has become a force of habit, I contradict myself to detract away from the point. I have become unable to articulate my thoughts and feelings. I also feel it to be unfair to this person to have hold of my feeligns because they have been through so much. And I was never really there for them when or how they needed. I feel that I have let them down, and been a constant dissapointment and burden on their life. I've tried to walk away many times, but I cannot. I've never felt the way I feel about them about anyone. Yet I do not show it. I do not know how.

While I am not emotionally numb, that I am sure, I am not able to express them in a way that people expect. I live life on the defensive. I feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone about anything that I think or feel. In the past I've been ridiculed. Told that I'm pathetic. Made to feel like a complete idiot around people when I have given my view or opinion, that I created another defence mechanism, whereby I can no longer form one, or give one. This hurts me almost as much as knowing that I am alone.

I just can't see any way out now. I'm beginning to wonder if I will always be like this. I had all these hopes of what I would be doing a year from now, but in my current state of mind I fear that a year from now I'll be sitting here feeling like this, writing something very similar, still crying whenever I get the chance to be alone knowing that nobody will find out.

I would appreciate it, if anyone does read this, they don't leave me comments telling me that I am "not the only one" or "not alone" or anything of the sort. For nobody feels what I do in the same way that I do. Nobody anywhere feels this about anything because every single person expreiences life in a completely different way. I don't need advice or pity of any sort. I am capable of pulling myself out I'm sure....I just don't know how long it's going to take.

TV, Radio and Prank Calls

It's been quite some time since I've watched television (other than Hollyoaks). It's even been a long time since I've listened to the radio, even though I work in radio. There is a reason for this, things get blown way out of proportion.

Take the recent mumbo jumbo with Russell Brand and Jonathan Ross. After a series of phone calls made to Andrew Sachs (think Faulty Towers' Manuel) mostly about his granddaughter, the county has been up in arms about it all.

In my opinion it has all been blown out of proportion. It was s couple of calls made to a man, that said some not particularly nice things about his granddaughter. However, his granddaughter is not exactly a little angel, and isn't a model citizen. In fact, her career has been highlighted in the whole episode, and is perhaps of greated embarrasment to the family than the calls were in the first place.

So all week all I've heard about is Brand and Ross. Apparently the show has 400,000 listeners, and at the end of yesterday there were 27,000 complaints. Little over an eighth of the normal listeners. I expect the majority of complaints have no come from the shows listeners, but from people who have read papers, such as The Sun and The Mail and all the rest. It's all done to provoke a reaction. And yes, I am falling into that trap, as here I am moaning about it all.

Really, it's a show with a certain callibre of listeners. If it's the type of show that you may be offended by, then you don't listen. Same as FNWJR, if you don't like it, you don't watch it, simple as. And you get on with your life.

In my opinion, there was no need for them to be suspended, and no need for Russell Brand to resign from his Radio 2 show. They both issued an apology, and Andrew Sachs was happy with this, and doesn't wish to pursue it any further. In fact, he's probably just wanting to get back to his normal quiet life. Instead both he and his granddaughter are subject to all this media attention....

What really angers me, is the fact that all this got mention in parliament. What it has to do with them I don't know. Is there nothing these days that politicians don't ruin? Can nothing be done without them being involved. Many people say the words "I don't do politics". However, if you are alive, you do politics. Because the whole thing is politics. Politicians should stick to doing what they do best, spending tax payers money on rescuing banks from bankruptcy (how ironic). Not commenting on television or radio programmes and people.

Something is always going to offend someone. Whatever is said, and however it is meant. If something offends you, don't listen/watch/read it. It's got nothing to do with today's youth, or today's oldies, or today's society. Because of politics, this land has been invanded by double standards. Everyone supposedly has the freedom of speech. And if that offends someone, so be it. But apparently this doesn't work if you are on TV or the Radio.

The worst part about the whole thing is all the time, effort and money spend on reporting what's been going on. Or the time and effort it has taken for people to write complaints......when we should be either sorting out what's happening on our own doorstep, or putting effort into making people aware of other more pressing issues going on in the world.

Veni, Vidi, Vici

In other words, I came, I saw, I conquered.

While I was reading a story about the Lost Dutchmans Mine, I read that some man who tried to find it was shot, and in his pocket was a note with those words. I do not know what they mean, if the man wrote it, or perhaps maybe someone else?! And was he refering to the mine, or perhaps something else?

They are all a mystery. But the thing is, those three words zapped me, made me feel slightly light headed for a moment or two, and then the episode was over. But as I recently re-discovered this outlet, I thought I was write something. Anything really. I saw the three words before, I believe that the amazingness introduced me to them, and that's possibally why I see a whole lot more in those three weird words than I should...........Generally if something came out of the amazingness, even if it's something I haven't understood, I remember it, and it hits me somewhere along the line. He's very special if I may say so myself.

It's funny isn't it, how a person or a persons words can get stuck in our heads, like nothing else mattered.

Mini Poem Thing

I thought of this while I was driving home this evening......

Dreaming of you keeps me awake
Being awake is a nightmare state
At least when I sleep you're there by my side
But when I wake I leave you behind




Clearly I was thinking about a certain someone when I wrote it, but I thought it was quite nice.

Now here I am hoping that nobody has written it before and that it might an original Ash masterpiece.

What is the world coming to...? Really

I'm getting the hang of this writing thing again after a rather long rest-ish period.

I need to vent something that is kinda a current annoyance. You see I was watching the news today. I don't do it often, but today was the day. That Large Hadron Collider was turned on....so far so good, but that wasn't what got my attention today.....

The thing that got my attention, and annoyed me A LOT, was the fact that in one area adults that are in parks are being stopped an questioned by rangers in the interest of the safety of children. Has the world gone mad? They are not stopping everyone though, OH NO, just people that "look suspicious". They stopped one lady who was dressed as a penguin handing out climate change information because she might "attract children".

I'm sorry, but children in parks are generally either supervised by an adult that is quite capable of looking after their children without help from anyone else, and any other children are old enough to look after themselves, and wont be alone, but with their friends. In a group they are pretty sensible. Due to fear mongering by that old media chestnut they are aware of the potential risks, and I'm quite sure that their parents have told them to say no to strangers.

BACK OFF FFS. Apparently not doing this sort of crazy thing would be neglecting the safety of children. Will not having a policeman on every street corner watching everyones every move at all times of day also be neglecting the safety of children.

Good heavens. Not every single person on this planet is a child molesterer, and there may even be some people who find watching children play in the park a joy to behold, without malicious intent. I certainly find watching the children of today playing somewhat calming and relaxing. Does this mean I am a paedophile? No it doesn't.

I'm quite sure that not being able to wonder through a park at my own leisure and take in the sights, including children playing is really a violation of my human rights. There doesn't seem to be such a thing as freedom anymore. Certainly not in my eyes. Perhaps if Children weren't wrapped up in cotton wall as it were they'd be more streetwise anyway, and wouldn't be at such a high risk from nasty people.

It actually makes my blood boil. If it's happened in this one area, then likelihood is it will happen in more areas, and then eventually there will be a policeman on a street corner every second of the day and night watching everyones every move. If that does happen I'm sure there is no way that everyone would be completely protected. Let people deal with the idiots around them by themselves. Let us have a bit of freedom. Stop smothering us with all this safety crap. We all have the ability to asses situations ourselves. We all have a little something called common sense. We will take our own risks, and face the consequences of our own risks.

Thank you very much
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!