I’m Away with the Fairies

There’s a world of thoughts. That is all.

Memories

Ok, so life is constructed by a series of memories and experiences. If memories come from experiences and experiences are memories, then what is life?


A colleague of mine at work replied:


Life is beautiful. Your quite right memories and experiences fill our lives, but they are our choice as to what we want these memories to be. Everyday is an opportunity to see new things, breathe fresh air, smell, taste, and feel, whatever we want. Without memories and experiences we would just exist, but without life we wouldn’t.


I do believe that she has a point. But I am still a figment of my imagination. So is everything, and when she asked why all the bad stuff happens, I replied, “It’s the collective imagination of everyone else that doesn’t really exist.”


A bit heavy?

When you wish upon a star

A year ago today I had my first experience of all these seemingly odd things. These off things that have kind of changed everything. Everything about who and what I am. I am a tad confused because I am still me, and while I know that there is somethign bog going on, I seem to have a problem accepting it and understand it, and vice-versa. I still do now after a year, but hey-ho.

When you wish upon a star; a song from a Disney film. I do believe it was Pinocchio. I do believe that Pinocchio's creator wanted a real boy and had wished upon a star that his puppet would become real. The wish came true. At first Pinocchio was a very sweet alive pretend real puppet. He entertained people with his sense of humor, and then suddenly he got in with the wrong crowd and became corrupt.

As a result of this he suffered a fair amount, and his creator did too. Eventually Pinocchio sorted himself out and did indeed become a real boy.

I think I have been wondering recently what is real, and what isn't. Real is what you want it to be. truth and knowledge grow inside of you, and the only thing that is truthful, and the only thing that is real is the thing that lives and grows inside of you.

Some people will never discover it, because they don't look, and are too scared to find out. What is knowlege and what is truth. What is real?! Knowledge and truth are only real if they come from inside of you. I think I have said this before somewhere a while ago, and have definitely heard it recently from the amazingness.

So when you wish upon a star, you are given some sort of hope, you have more chance of it coming true if you believe in it. I do and have many times over the years. gazed at starts and had thoughts and dreams, and while some of them haven't happened (yet) others have.

I know what I want, I know how to go about getting what I want, I just have to believe in myself as much as I believe in the stars.

I have much more to add to this blog, much much more, I shall add to it in a cupla days!!

No Purpose, no point?

If you have no purpose in life…well is there actually a point to being here?

Switch off and on your imagination and create a life with a new exciting purpose…if that takes too much effort, make it up and see what becomes of it.

Something is what you’ve got when you have nothing

Huh? Surely that doesn’t work? I do believe that actually, even if we don’t want to believe that, then it is still true.

I have things and stuff. Things and stuff that make me feel good about myself. On the outside maybe, but not on the inside. Well I suppose that would depend on how far inside one has looked doesn’t it.

In fact, inside your head it’s pitch black, so it’s quite hard to see, and it’s not quite as simple as switching on a light.

Just think, does whatever it is that you have, and feel so good about having give your life meaning? I bet it doesn’t.

It doesn’t take anything other than yourself to make you happy.

Your Legend Will Reign On

I believe that every man and woman that’s ever lived is a legend.

Every person has touched the heart of another in some way or another, and will be remembered by that person. A heat touched is a heart inspired, and without realising it the inspiration they receive from one, will be passed onto another and so on and so forth. Therefore, everyone that ever lived is as alive today as there were then, and will be just as alive in a million years as they are now.

And so to bed

Not just because it’s almost 2am, but because the world of thought is at it’s best when I am about to fall off to sleep, more things become probable.

Last night as I fell asleep I thought more about the fact that I could be a figment of my imagination, as could everyone else. If I am a figment of my imagination, and everything else is too, then what an odd world it is that I’ve created for myself.

So in effect if anyone else ever reads this, are they really reading it at all, or have I merely created that? Have they created this? If I ever get anything back from it….have I made it up?

What a mind boggling concept…or is it? Is this thought that I’m having my imagination? If so, what does it mean? I think it’s a bit on the groovy side personally.

Is it possible to actually switch it all off?

God is a CCTV Camera

While discussing knowledge and truths today at university, we did a rather intriguing task. We were given a list of 10 things that “we know” and were told to put them in order of things we know most to things we know least.

Top of everyone’s list, aside from mine (and the group that I managed to convince) was I know that I am real. I put this almost halfway down. I do not know that I am real, I could be a figment of my own imagination. I questioned everything. I even questioned the fact that the table I was making use of had 4 legs, because who was decided that four was four.

How do we know the Earth is round? Because nobody has fallen off the edge? Because we’ve seen pictures? Because people we “trust” have told us so? I guess that would be my guess, or one of those answers would be yours? Well, it’s not. It’s got caves and mountains, and hills and valleys, bits that float, bits that don’t, it’s not really round at all. I have seen pictures of where the land supposedly connects under the sea…if there was no sea, then what would it look like? Well it wouldn’t be round at all would it!

Anyway, another piece of paper said I know that God Exists. Again, I was not able to place this amongst the 10 very easily. It can’t go at the top, because if I am not real then what’s to say that anything is…so I put the two together.

I suppose the thing with God is that there are so many conflicting views on God from various sources. I was asked if I believe. I said that I don’t in a Christian or Catholic sense, I don’t see God as a he/she or a person. God is just a force that watches over us, and points us in the right direction occasionally.

GOD IS A TALKING CCTV CAMERA*


*Thankfully, not controlled by some old balding fat man stuffing his face with chilli nachos all day and releasing stinky air from his backside.

All The Small Things

What I find crazy, most crazy of all, is that I can write stuff on here that can be read by anyone. When I write things down they make more sense than any other which way the thoughts and ideas come out of me.
I do things so that people, important people to me, know I care, but in reality whatever I have done, or do do is not really showing that I care at all...it’s the small things, the small things that are so little but always always make a huge huge difference.
But how do you give something that you’ve never given before? And when you are not even half way to knowing what is inside yourself anyways. How do you share something with someone that you don’t understand, and no matter how many times you try, you cannot put the words together to even explain.
In the lines of sensitivity that’s what I am.
But then Ash, whoever she really is, always has been, but it’s always been largely ignored. The inability to show emotions, for everyone to always wonder how she can be so full of life and so happy all the time......is she really?! Pretending to be something she is not all the time, and loosing her sense of self......she’s forgotten who she is, for always pretending to everyone that she’s something else.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, and I heard it last year at uni, the words... Ashley you’re a bit weird, but I like you. Strangely I was flattered by the remark, and now I would think to myself, weird compared to what? What’s “weird” and what’s “normal”. Are they actually any different? Is anyone an individual, and if so, is there in fact culture or society.
Where am I going with this? Where was I? Showing that you care, you could make the biggest gestures in the world for someone, but telling them that you care, far outweighs everything else. And if you care so much for someone then theoretically you should want to tell them every little thing about anything............although, changing the habit of a lifetime is no easy thing, and when so much is eating away at you...how can it ever happen?
I know it can, I know full well it can happen, and I know that nothing would make me happier...I just wish the light had an on/off switch, rather that a dimmer, which turns ever so slowly, and dims the light just as often as it makes it brighter. 2 steps forward and one step back in other words.
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER ASHLEY...KEEP PUSHING THROUGH, AND STOP BEING SUCH A MISERABLE COW!!!!!!!!!!
Why?
Coz there’s no bloody need woman, and if you feel crap on the inside, everything on the outside is crap too............Good Luck
Erm..........thanks

Uncomfortable in the skin that you’re in…

Peel it back
Take a look inside
Is it insane or mundane?
It doesn’t matter, you’re on the ride.



Life is a roller coaster; it’s true. While some people are happy, others are blue. Some are just uncomfortable, not ever knowing which way to feel at any time. It it’s this uncomfortableness that causes great frustration. What does it mean? Does life hold something more for you? Are you frustrated with what you have? Are you frustrated with what you don’t have? Do you know that there is something beyond all belief?

Life’s a ride, and as they say, it’s what you make it. If your resources are limited how can you make it more than it is already?

Is a performing donkey just another variation?


Ash, Ash, Ash, who are you? What do you want and what do you need? Completely different with every person you meet. You can make people laugh with your strange and bizarre antics. You can bore people with trivial things. You can entertain people for ages, and your aim is to please, and create smiles inside those who are feeling down. But not everyone it would seem. You’ve spent so much time building barriers, that nobody, family or friends, can cross. You have 1001 tried and tested defence mechanisms to keep yourself from being ridiculed which leads to it. Anyway, what makes you happy? Really happy? If it’s a certain person, why does time spent with that one frustrate you so much? Your barrier has been crossed, and now it’s real. Hurt IS an option, only if you can’t sort yourself out soon. Even now it may be too late. Why do you clam up? Why do you feel the need to hide? Why do you fear that you cannot compare to what’s in his life? Write a story, your own story, and make it the best one yet.



I do not know what to feel, or what I feel, or how to put it into words. Thoughts and dreams and plans with all the best of intentions often go wrong. I do not know why I fear you; I don’t know why I feel inferior. You have opened me up to a whole new world, one that I don’t understand. One which I get excited about when I feel that I do, but with things changing so rapidly, I find it difficult to keep up. I’d love to be able to do what you do, and read and read to my heats content. I could read millions of books in just one area, and still I would not understand. Maybe that’s me being defeatist and insecure, but how can I compete and compare to your world? Why would nice little Ashley be on your mind when there are so many other pulses floating around. I wish I knew what you know, and understood. I wish I could get it. I wish I could get what you’ve got. Your amazingness is matched only by your smile, your brilliance is matched only by your eyes. I have never met anyone like you, and I don’t believe that I ever will. To loose you would be like loosing everyone and everything I ever cared about all in one go. I don’t understand you, I wont say that I do, but I want to. I’ve never felt so close to someone, and yet so far from them too. I’m confused in my head on so many levels. I cannot help but wonder, if the whole world had not been built on a series of moments and well-constructed lies, would things be different. How does anyone know what is truth and what are lies? Everything is so closely monitored, so how do you have this fantastic capability to see though all the rubbish, where others would not.

How can I have been told so much and still carry along with the degeneration? How can you keep yourself away? You could know all there is to know, on your quest, but for now you are still you. In general I am an optimist. Work is something you CAN do to make living a little easier remember…

Why can’t I be me around you? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like I am nothing amongst the web of oddness you have?



Ash, stop forcing the answers to questions that exist only in your head, you already know the answers, you can already understand everything that can be understood. You have the desire of the knowledge, you just need to find your path of discovery. What you know, or don’t already is irrelevant. It’s what you learn from now that counts. About you, about life, about your past, it doesn’t matter, it’s all inside of you. You just need to relax and let the knowledge.com to you.



But I wonder what if I never make it, what if I never get past this deep routed fear that’s inside. Where does it come from, and will it ever go? Why when I try to do something nice for a certain person does it seem to go wrong? Never the way I imagined it would. Why am I currently this me, and not her me. Which one am I really? Why? What? Why?


Telephone your balloon in a typhoon. In other words Ash, the rubber barrier that has enclosed you is escapable. You are the helium that will find it’s way out eventually. While there will be times in life that you will be challenged and want to climb back into your bubble, you can make contact with the barrier, but you’ll never be able to get back over the other side. Immigration Control will stop you, and you wont even get the chance to seek asylum.

It’s going to be tough ash, but you really do have the power, and once you grasp that, nothing will stand in your way.


Promise?


YES!!!

Close the window

Or should that be open? Perhaps the window should be a door? Are you letting the heat out or indeed letting the cold in?

I guess that would depend on the way you see the world, what your influences are; what the influences of others are, and so on and so forth.

Is there such a thing as being too optimistic? How about too pessimistic? What about realistic...can you actually be too realistic? What does the term realistic actually mean? What is real? I am just as real, or no more real that you.

Opening the door or the window brings with it fresh air. You are not letting out hot air, not letting the cold out, just merely introducing yourself to new breaths, new ideas and new experiences,

Do you have doors and windows open or closed at home? How about in your mind? In either case, how many times have you closed a window and not opened another? How many times has something unexplainable happened, and rather than wondering why or how it happened, you simply closed the window on it?

Inadequate Soldier

Ever feel like everything is something, but you are nothing? Like you are a single soldier battling against an army of 2million, and yet you know not how to fight? That’s me. I am an inadequate soldier. I’ve fought many battles, I know not how, but somehow I have managed to survive, although I am constantly fearful of the next fight. I can win, I am strong enough, but would I rather run away? NO!

I’ve ran so much I am exhausted, and the 2million strong army caught up with me when I stopped to rest. It’s tough luck. I no longer feel that I am fighting a loosing battle for me. You have given me so much more courage than words care to define. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I can do the same for you in time. Now I have a reason to fight this ongoing battle, and with you on my side it seems easy.

Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for lending me a helping hand, and thank you for showing me the way when I am blind. You are not alone anymore, for I am always with you in my thoughts and in my dreams. I’ll always be gone, but never for long. Being with you is my small measure of peace. The kind that everybody seeks, but is rarely ever found.

This is for you. I know not how to express how I feel and what I think in words, it’s completely unknown to me. I will learn for me & for you, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

That’s life

Love it or hate it, the world is full of “stuff”: nice stuff, and bad stuff. With one type of stuff they other type will undoubtedly follow.

I’ve not felt as low as I have in the past week for ages. I’ve spent the past while being happy and incredibly positive…I know the exact date I cheered up suddenly, this was 28th August 2007. I was reading The Secret and suddenly a whole host of things clicked into place, and I was filled with an immense rush of excitement. I felt like I’d found the answer to a question that was really important, although I have no idea what that question was. I felt a sense of belonging, while belonging to no one.

But my life changed. I was more positive than I had been for an absolute age, I felt that everything would be okay, everything was good, I was going somewhere and nothing or no one would stand in my way. I didn’t realise that exactly 3 months later I would feel lower that 6ft under.

Working so much and various other things going on in my little world all kind of came to blows in my head. Last Friday when I got back to Leicester after an amazing and nice couple of days at home, I realised that I am myself when I am there, back in sunny Thetford. The town that everyone that lives there hates, but finds so hard to leave. Every time I go back and return to Leicester a part of me stays behind. Suddenly I was sad and angry at the same time, all at once, and really just because of a bit of washing up. I also realised that I was stuck in Leicester for the best part of 3 weeks…I sat and cried and said to myself calmly “Ash, what am I doing?” I couldn’t reply.

I guess one of the major factors of my miserableness is one of those things I cannot comprehend. I ask people, their response is “that’s life.”

I wonder why some people succeed and others don’t. The people who have no respect for others always seem to succeed, while the people that really deserve something get nothing. It actually disgusts me somewhat…it’s not life. That isn’t how it’s supposed to be. We are all the same. We were all created equally. We are all alone, but for some reson we’ve managed to group together. I do not think it’s a good thing. We hurt people. We spend half our lives doing things to make other people feel bad and lonely, and for what? Because it makes us feel better. I’m sorry, but how on Earth can that make anyone feel better about themselves? It makes no sense to me.

I get eaten away by some incredible sense of guilt if I so much as say something that could be taken the wrong way, and in my head I tell myself off, and continue to explain myself just in case.

Relationships are funny things. I ask why the people we are interested in are not interested in return. The answer….that’s life. This is quite hard to grasp. Sometimes I reflect on the past year. Almost all of it has been taken up pining after someone I barely understand, and yet can’t seem to stop thinking about. The trouble is that I want to understand him more that I’ve ever understood anyone. He’ll never know how much. It’s something that, try as I might, I cannot for th life of me put into words. Anyway, as he says he’s damaged goods, and that infuriates me somewhat. It goes back to people who are out to hurt others. Because of what people do, this amazing person, who’s got so much to offer someone, sadly not me, might not feel that they can, until it’s too late. But how can someone who’s built this massive barrier to protect themselves ever break it down?

It’s not fair that a small few people can make things so damn difficult for an amazing person. I’d quite like to chop them all up into little pieces, or at least belittle them until they feel as small as and as tiny as a micro-organism, and see how they bloody well like it. If I could make everyone who’s hurt him suffer, even if only a few minutes, I would.

And him, the object of my affection, well I just want to grab him, give him a hug and make sure he knows that everything will be okay. I can’t promise that though, and that would give a false sense of hope. In truth, with “that’s life” as it is, I can’t get any sense of any hope for anything. I do have faith though, and in one way or the other, something will happen. Something with a good outcome, and things will be better for him than they have in a long time,

As for me, I will watch the world carry on…I will let life pass me by, opportunities float along and wonder to myself, when this chapter is over, how are the few people that really matter to me getting along.

As for him, I want to understand, I want to be there, and I want him to realise that no matter what happens, I thank him for every single little thing.

Scardy Cat

While it has to be said that I am not afraid of 8-legged creatures, and can’t understand why people would be, wasps are another matter entirely.

Wasps are the beasts of the insect world. They, unlike bumblebees, are out to kill.

At around 1.30 in the am, I got myself into bed, without bothering to switch off the light, because I was being lazy. Stripped as you do, pulled the covers over me and… heard this rather loud buzzing noise. I looked up, and to my horror was a giant monster flying towards me with one intention… TO KILL.

I let out a somewhat girly scream (acceptable because I am a girl) and hid under the covers. When the buzzing had stopped and the creature had taken an interest in my light, I took the opportunity to sneak past the beast. I grabbed the hairspray… but as I sprayed him with the cocktail of chemicals it went insane.

ATTACK… I threw the bottle of hairspray and screamed, had trouble unlocking my bedroom door in the panic, and as soon as I was able ran out of my room and slammed the door behind me.

After being stranded on the landing for a short while, I returned to my room, and waspie features was nowhere to be seen. I inspected my bed sheets, and it appeared that I was safe. Moment later I spotted the great monster sitting on a towel, unable to fly due to a case of sticky wing syndrome. Haha, I thought, I have you right where I want you.

I got the corner of the towel and dragged it out into the hallway – but the creature wasn’t about to give up, and chased me on foot, but I had the upper hand! I sprayed it until it could run no more and had a bit of a fit on my floor.

That’ll teach you to try to kill me beast.

I didn’t quite have the heart to put it out of it’s misery with a book. Instead I picked it up on an envelope and threw it out the window.

Never again will that monster attack moi. DON’T MESS WITH THE ASH!!!!

Confusion

Sometimes things come your way - good opportunities. While in your heart you want to go along with it, your head tells you not to, and you are left with a predicament.

Now I’m a keen believer in following your heart, but it’s not always that simple. The result… absolute turmoil.

Thinking, as I’ve said many time, is the cause of and solution to all of life’s problems… as is money.

And so the battle of the heart and your head. Things would be fine, if, that thought didn’t pop into your head; everything would be fine and dandy.

Is it real anyway? Is the thought you think you though just in fact made up to justify what your heart really wants? What I mean by that is… well do you always want what’s in your heart, is your head in fact just testing you… I’m not actually sure how to explain that.

Basically, I think what I am trying to say is…whatever happens, whatever life may hold, follow your ticker and see where it leads you… it knows better than anything what you should do…

Untitled

This is actually a source of entertainment, keeping me occupied while the brother is in town doing odd bits & pieces to fix his guitar so he can make more music.

My rambles, rants and thought have been minimal recently. Do not fear, I’m not stuck in the dark ages in my head, I’ve had loads to write, things that I do not remember now, I just don’t ever seem to have any writing implements to jot them down when they’ve been there. I think that’s called sod’s law.

Sometimes I do think I should keep my thoughts to myself. Some of them are very out there and need explaining. I’m rubbish at explanations. But hey-ho, from my crappy random rambles I think you will understand them if you are supposed to.

I wonder a lot of things a lot of the time. There’s so much I want to know about the world and life. However, “the world” and “life” are such vast areas.

I was wondering yesterday about plants. How do trees know when to loose their leaves? The summer after all has been relatively naff (although I think I preferred it). So, it’s been nippy, wet, cold and not exactly really bright and sunny, and not a whole lot of light, and yet the tree still knows.

Only Time Will Tell

It has to be said that things can change dramatically in only seconds, so how can we plan for tomorrow?

It is impossible to know what exactly we will be doing in a few days time, let alone a few years.

Of course I, like most people have a 5-year-plan that I intend to stick to, but circumstances change so quickly that I have had to accept the fact that other things may be hiding around the corner that may accelerate that plan, or indeed mean it will never happen.

We can only really think a couple of days ahead, even that will change rapidly. The trouble with a 5-year-plan is that it is usually an idealistic view of the future. This leads to expectations, which generally leads to dissapointment.

I am all up for the idea of living for today, living for now, it’s the only time we have any control over our circumstances. Tomorrow may never come. The 5-year-plan may never come. By all means work towards your goals, but ensure that what you do do you enjoy doing. If you don’t, ask yourself, is it worth doing? Work out alternative ways to carry out your plans. Ways that you can enjoy them.

Think deeply…is it a realistic goal? Is it really what you want? You may find, if you ask yourself enough, that actually you need a new plan, because things inside you have changed since you devised your plan. You’re not the same person anymore, and the plan is no longer a realistic one in your frame of mind.

Life is a gift. You should enjoy every experience with a fresh outlook and with a positive approach.

Be pro-active

Use your intuition

Reflect and think

Be true to yours truly

Above everything be happy. Enjoy the ride. Life really is what you make it, and the only person you can make happy… is yourself.

Forget What You Thought You Knew 15/10/2007 23:25

Because most likely, and more often that not, you didn’t know it anyway.

I blame the media, constantly filling people’s minds about all kinds of rubbish, about all kinds of things.

I didn’t know this time last year what I know now, and I don’t know now what I will know this time next year. I, as most others am on a journey, a quest for knowledge, and for a bit of truth in this world of lies. To go on a quest is to question most of everything. Answering questions with yet more questions, and yet whilst doing so, finding the answers to many more questions.

Not all questions have simple easy answers, and some don’t have answers at all….but the world is full of ideas, themes, knowledge and beliefs, all of which are also following a journey. Key ideas may change over long periods of time, and sometimes only very slightly, but whilst we develop these ideas further, we ourselves are developing further, and we are needing to ask more questions, and answer those new questions with yet more questions, whilst still finding answers. The more we learn, the more we can learn, the more we can questions, and the more fulfilled our knowledge will be, and so on and so forth.

Wipe the slate clean, forget what you thought you know, because if you dig deep enough you will find out that, in fact, your life is full of superficial thoughts, beliefs and truths. They are superficial because most are hidden. The world is better described as being filled with lies and corruption.

I plan to take a journey around the sun, find accept, and understand the questions I ask and the answers I find and remain truthful to myself.

I HOPE YOU WILL DO THE SAME!!

The Road Ahead

Why do we constantly argue with ourselves in our own minds? We argue away inside about hat is right or wrong; what we really want out of life, and what we’re going to do when The Bill finishes.

This process generally leaves us feeling exhausted and unsatisfied.

Debating the debatable.

Dreams 12/10/2007 12:32

As a child I was scared stupid of fire, and rather regularly I had nightmares all involving fire. Does the meaning of dreams, like most things change over time, just as we do?!

Most spiritually type people say that seeing fire in a dream is a good thing. It mostly down to spiritual preparation for things that are going to happen.

Nowadays, if I have dreams of or visualisations of fire in my mind it doesn’t scare me at all, but when I was younger I would wake myself out through sheer terror. Of course dreams all have meanings, and I am one of the lucky ones that remembers what they see, i write dreams down when I get the chance, and it’s appropriate. Writing them down though is only a relatively recent development, and so I wonder whether the fact that I remember dreams from when I was younger that I didn’t write down as a constant reminder, is for a reason.

Was there something in those dreams that I was supposed to look back now and see do we think? I am guessing so, or why else would I remember them for years, and suddenly have a interest in such things? Either that or I was so scared by it, that I have never been able to forget.