Seeking aproval

The world is full of people and every single one of them is alone. I have started a blog in this way before, but I have something slightly more to say this time around.

Everyone is alone. Nobody realises though that this is how it should be. It's no bad thing at all. Because of course we are now in a world where everyone does things and seeks approval.

Even I am guilty of this. I've been seeking approval for so long. Approval is something I 've not ever had from my parents, but have always seeked. I didn't realise that I'd always seeked this, and I hadn't realised that I still do. It wasn't until I read the email I received yesterday from DailyOM about living for ourselves that I realised how much I did this, and was still wanting to do this with the amazingness.

In truth when it comes to the amazingness, I wish I didn't. I wish he was wrong about the father figure thing. While I always knew deep down that he was right, I partly couldn't believe that I saw him as a father figure, and every attachment I made to him was just me making it up. I do believe that now. I accept it. I accept that there are things that I want or need because I don't have that relationship with my parents that I want.

And I think to myself now. I think all I really want is someone to love me. And of course I don't know as that will ever happen now. I know that love is not what it seems, I now have first hand experience of this. It doesn't make the feeling go away, but I have accepted this, and thats a start.

So seeking approval then. All anyone ever really wants is a parent or loved one to support them, and tell them that they are proud. Some people never receive this in their lives, which is quite sad. Trouble is that nobody realises that this is a pretend need too.

I think the day my dad has faith in me that I will amount to something...thats the day that I will change for the better. While I see that this is a pretend need, I also know that I wouldn't be doing what I am doing if it wasn't for him. Thats not a bad thing by the way. I'm quite thankful. In 18 months I will be able to travel to my hearts content, and it's all I've wanted to do since I was 14. I probs wouldn't have done it the same way though.

It's why I always got excited though when the amazingness was not around, and something happened and I could share it with him. It was because it meant that I had a channel. Something that give me the opportunity to communicate with him on that higher level. And while we were communicating at that higher level, not only did it feel amazing, like something I've never felt anywhere before, but I really felt that I was doing something worthwhile and somebody recognized my mini achievements.

There I was seeking approval. And when I had a bit of realisation on Sunday I wanted to share this with the amazingness because I was seeking his approval. I wanted him to acknowledge my achievement. I don't want that anymore. I want to see him for a completely different reason altogether.

The amazingness is my angel. He's a massive blessing in disguise, and he's only in disguise because of my self absorbation. You see he's not in disguise at all. He's a blessing, thats it, and thats how it stays.

The fact of the matter is, I am dying for some love and affection. I'd like a kiss and a cuddle sometime. I like waking up next to someone with their bed hair. I like being with someone and devoting my time to them. I like the idea of things going well. But now I wonder if I will ever be able to really have it. I could no longer have someone love me for reasons that they don't realise. Mostly I cannot let myself fall back into that trap. I can't let a habit form again.

What does this mean? This means I want to cry. This means that I may never ever find someone who is free of pretend feelings. I don't want someone's pretend feelings. I want real feelings and real everything. and the hardest part....all of that has got to come from within me. I suppose the only way to get rid of the wanting of physical affection for now is to make a human sized pile of pillows and cuddle it until i can cuddle no more.

I no longer wish to seek approval. I wish to GET approval from within.

I think so...

Again today I was thinking deep thoughts on the subject of the inner relationships, and outer relationships. This whole caring thing has really got me thinking The only things I have read over the past couple of weeks or so are things that have come to me via email, or links that have been sent, or caught my eye as I've been sifting through a whole load of other stuff. And yet over the past two or three days, EVERYTHING I have read has been what I have given a thought to. Yesterday I think I had one of the best syncronicities ever, I will share it when the time is right.

But I was thinking about how much I don't give...or do, but in the wrong way. I do the big gestures to make people feel good. This is the wrong ways to handle things. Big gestures of course make people feel loved and stuff, but then this only lasts a while, and then there is a comedown after wards, and they want more, but don't get it. I suppose it's a bit like the effects of drug-taking. Yes, that will be my analogy.

Someone who cares properly will be like a good drug. And by a good drug I mean will make those that they care about feel like they are on a never-ending high by doing a multitude of small things, with minimal negative effects. And while other people don't make people feel like this all the time, it does not mean that they don't care. It just means that they don't care in the way that the other person needs or wants. Thus no good. Love is the same thing, but don't let it trick you. If it does, if you let it, you'll be stuck in the cave forever.

I learned to believe in myself. Really, honestly, I am the only person that I can really totally believe in, because I am me. It is still important though to have faith in other people. The difficult part is deciding who to give that faith to. But then I think that something will let you know. It will let you know in weird and mysterious ways, and you'll just know.

Now then. On a level of caring, I shall make an effort to do it properly. No longer will I be so damn self absorbed, scared and awful. Where I find myself now, I wouldn't wish on anyone, but I do think it's going to be necessary for most people to get on with things. Am I really happy....no? Are you? Have I been happy recently? truth be told, no. I haven't really been for quite sometime, and it will be a while before I am. But you know what, I like where things are going. I like what's going on, and I like the fact that I can smile now, and know that next time things will be different, and quite possibly much much better.

Is that what it's all about?

Well I've been thinking about this caring thing over the last few days. In fact I was thinking really about what I want to say. I have things I need to get off my chest to someone which have sort of been building for a day or so...now I'm venting my thoughts here....it's as good a place as any.

After a self-made incident on Sunday evening, I decided to do something about something, and basically did it the only way I could think of how.

Now I started reading some stuff. MSN conversation history if you must known. Anyway I was a bit upset with someone, and I thought at the time I could do without them. I decided that I wanted to make myself hate them, and that would be the way to do it. So I started reading, looking for everything derogatory that they ever said to me, and you know what, I couldn't find one thing. In fact I was horrified at some of the things I said.

The things I said were not horrible or malicious in any way, but they were not responses to the person. They did not even acknowledge the person. They were all me, talking about me, all the time. Even after the person had said how they were feeling, I still continued to babble about myself. I am now very aware that I am doing this, and over the past few days have stopped myself as soon as I have caught myself.

Yes, of course I am doing it now, I am very aware, but this is MY blog, so I think while I am exploring, it's allowed.

Anyway, the fact of the matter is that I was reading it, and was disgusted at myself for having done such a thing. I got to a point where I couldn't even read what I had responded. Instead I read all of the persons words over about a months period, and wondered to myself what dreamland I was living in. Hon on Earth could I not see this before, and mostly, I do not blame the person for what they do. The only thing they ever did really was care.

It has of course lead to a thought. CARING. Because I always had the best of intentions, I thought until Sunday that I did show my caring side. In "reality" I was very self-absorbed. This is something I hate being and am currently trying very very hard to stop doing. I had thought that I'd displayed a lot more things than I actually ever have.

Caring is a very odd action. And there are so many ways of caring, and so many ways to show it. Big things, small things, and very small things. Just a smile when it's needed, or a cuddle, or just finding the right words to say. Those are very small things.

I've thought long and had about it. While I've done big things, like lending money, and taking them away when I thought they needed a break, I've never done the small things. They ALWAYS have.

And then there was the viewpoint on everything I used to have, and I can't believe that a) it was only a year ago, and b) that was me.

I've made all these generalizations about people, and moaned about them lots, but I'm the same, and I suppose in some ways a whole lot worse. But as the Amazingness has said to me many-a-time, what you find fault in others you find fault in yourself. YES YES!! As ever, the amazingness was very right.

Will you marry me?

Yes yes yes, it's 29th February, and this can mean only one thing......It's a leap year

Ahem, thing with leap years is that the ladies for one day only get to do the asking of the man for a hand in holy matrimony as they call it, but I wonder what the repercussions of this really is.

Does the male's ego suffer in effect? Hardly manly is it to let the girlfriend get there first. But then there are some men who would probably never have the balls to ask in the first place, so the girlfriend has saved them the job.

How did this tradition come about that's what I want to know! Looks like I will have to read and find out.

See this link for a quick explanation

What I have just read is a very good question....How do you be romantic for a man? It's weird. Men don't appreciate the same things that women do, and they don't appreciate them in the same way. I know for example that I have a few times wanted to do something nice, and I hate to admit it, but romaticish (I can't bring myself to say it) for the amazingness, and I've had the best of intentions, I really have, but everythign I thought of seemed too...well...cheesy. But then looking at it that way, romance is cheesy isn't it. I can be a sap, and I can be sweet I know that, but romantic and spontaneous....that's another matter entirely.

One thing I did once have in mind was going to the forest, or around the foresty area, and sitting outside at night, rather late with a picnic or something, and looking at the stars and just relaxing and stuff. You know a cupla blankets and be all cuddly and snuggly when it gets cold. I had thought it would have been a rather nice evening, I just didn't set it up too well. That's where I tend to stumble and fall, but one day I will learn. I guess I didn't plan it right, because clearly we would have needed a couple of those flare things for a bit of light, and I don't have those.

NOTE TO SELF: Get some off ebay, so you have them next time you attempt to make this suggestion.

Anyway back to proposals, because it's highly likely that I wouldn't ever have the balls to do it. To be honest I don't think that marriage is going to be an option for me either. I just think as soon as I have found my feet i want to travel here there and everywhere, and never stay in the same place for too long. I have a feeling it would be hard(ish) although not impossible to find a man that wants to run around the world with me. So there goes that.

And again, to proposals. I do apologise for being a bit all over the place if I am being that way...it's not me!

Proposals. Now traditionally a lady wear an engagement ring. It's sort of a male thing, you know like dogs mark their territory, the male marks his by means of a ring. I am thinking, men don't generally wear an engagement ring, so what actually happens? Does the lady get down on one knee with a ring that she has bough for herself, and the man simply gets to put it on, or does she indeed have a box with a Hoola Hoop and and Ice gem which have been stuck together with some sort of adhesive, and offer him that. This is a bit I don't understand. And should a lady ask his parents, as apposed to him asking her parents if these things are to be done traditionally.

I'm not really one to go along the line of tradition, but I just don't get it. But I do say fair play to those ladies who do, and I think it's wonderful that you find yourself able to do it. It must be pretty scary. But it's only fear, and I suppose the action is never as bad as the thought of it. I hope that if any ladies did propose today their man said yes.

And men, I hope that if you did get asked you didn't say yes because you felt you should. And I hope that it didn't damage any egos.

Anyways, I would just be happy today having proposed a cuddle to a certain someone and having had a nice extended one together...

On te actual Marriage level though, I'd be quite happy with my mind bits that don;t usually get along to club together and get along great. That way I will understand so much more, and be so much more alive. That's what I want, that's my proposal. Oi mind, body and soul, do your thing, and do it together. I'll set a date for it all to start working....tomorrow.

I guess really at the end of the day, a lot of people need to give that sort of proposal. And many people who are in relationships of any sort occasionally need their heads banging together. There are people who just don't realise what it is that they've got. I'd hate for any of them to loose out on what they have. Trouble is that so many people don't notice. Yes, it's the way of life, but I'd like to say, just go with what's in your heart and you'll get good things...very good!!

When caring too much isn't

So I've thought about this a lot over the past couple of days, and it all started from what sadly became a bit of a heated discussion with the family on Tuesday night.

You see I am a egg donor, I'm doing it via NHS, where you get paid only £15 for the whole thing, which I do not mind one bit. But certain members of my family thank that it's absolute craziness, when there are people who do such things privately and would pay thousands. Now I don't know about you, but the eggs that I carry have cost me nothing to produce, and to put it quite bluntly find themselves going down the bog every month or so. They have no use to me whatsoever. Is it so silly of me to think that making money out of someone else's misfortune is wrong? There are a fair few couples out there who are desperate to have their own family, and without egg donations would not be able to produce. Going through IVF is expensive at the best of times, let alone also having to pay someone for their eggs, which are with them from a very very young age, and will be for a very long time. If I am able to produce children, and am not wanting them, and others want children and can't produce them is it really that wrong.

But the family don't want me to do it A) because it's not really the most pleasant of experiences, and B) because I could be making a fortune, and when you are a poor and penniless student it's all worth it.

No thank you. To me it would feel wrong. My answer is that's it's my body, and it's my right.

It has raised a question in my mind though about caring. I was told to stop caring about other people so much by my uncle. My aunt by the way has a personal experience of the procedure that I am about to go through (her children were produced this way, but with her own eggs and uncles own little beasties) and she also has a friend who was able to have children through an egg donor. She was very pleased and said to me quietly before they let to go back to America that she thought what I am doing is wonderful, and that she would tell her friend when she got back all about me, and I was rather flattered by that.

Anyway, where was I? Is it possible to care too much, but not really care enough. I do think that there are too many people in the world who do not care enough. I have issues on the level of caring as much as anyone else. I suppose that there are so many people, and they all care in such different ways that really it can be difficult to tell who cares and who, quite frankly, couldn't give a shit.

I care an awful lot about my family, and my friends (even the ones that only bother with me when they need someone to do something for them...shall we say drive?). There are people though that I simply cannot stand showing my caring side to. If we take my family for example. I am aware of the fact that the reason that my family is as distant as it is at the moment is partly my doing. We are all equally responsible, but I know what can be done to change things around. Just a little bit more caring and "spreading the love" is needed and it will make a huge difference to the family as a whole. It has to be said that we've been one hell of a lot closer since Lola came along, as we've had to work as a team to keep the little madam in check.

But where was I, I can't stand them knowing how I feel, or anything like that. Can't have them knowing that I really do have emotions....yuck. Even in mothers day or fathers day cards, it takes me hours to choose because I can't stand getting those awful "your the best mum/dad ever" and bla bla bla cards. This year though I plan to buy a horrible mushy one if it kills me...I don't think either of them have had one from me since I've chosen cards myself. I know this is not a major thing and the words on the cards will not be my own, but it's a start is it not?

Well I plan this year to be my year of charity and relationship rebuilding.

I was talking to mum earlier today and was telling her a snippet of a dream I had sometime over the course of yesterday. I started explaining that it was at Campion Road house, as are a lot of my dreams. Funnily enough, a lot of mums dreams were at her St Martin's Way house. Now this is a trend. Both the houses are where me and mum respectively spend the majority of our childhood. And while we were having this conversation I remembered what the amazingness was saying about how we are all kids, and we get a small shock at a young age, and that is where we stay. Now you see, I was living in Campion Road at the time, and Mum was living in St Martins Way. Proof somewhat that the theory is indeed true. So here we both are, stuck back in the dark from years ago.

Anyway, we had a chat about her life, and how I am not like her or dad, and don't really want to be. I found out that Dad is only how he is with me because I'm lazy, and he thinks I should be standing on my own two feet by now. He was married already at my age, and divorced too I think. But Mum was married and had a child at my age...neither one of them had the most wonderful of childhoods, and I do feel for them both.

Last week I tried re-building a relationship with my dad a little. I decided to show an interest in his family, and told him that one day I'd like to meet all his family, because I don't really know anyone except Auntie Dot (I have another Aunt also who lives in this town, but I wouldn't know her if I walked into her on the street) Not only that but I don't think that anyone has ever been to his parents graves. I suggested that we go one time. Make a nice family trip to London. Perhaps nice is not the right word, but it's something we've never done before, I just think it would be nice to do.

My dream was basically me and dad sitting on the sofa in the living room, and he turned around and said to me "Ash, do you think we have a friends relationship, or a father daughter relationship?" I told him that it was a father daughter one, but it was not a bad thing. But we had a good old chat about things, and we both hoped that sometime soon we would be more on the friends level. I'd like that very much.

P.S.

I love you.....

Nope, that's just the name of a book I've seen a few times in shops, and have heard about a little. I don;t know who it is written by, or what it's about.....I'm guessing a letter perhaps?!

Anyways I mentioned in my last blog that I had written one of my first ever poems. Well I say one of my first ever, and by that I mean my second....kind of. I am also working on a masterpiece, I have realised that my vocabulary isn't that great and wide. I have a lot of things that I would like to express on a certain subject, and use the same words all the time, so I thought I'd try poetry instead, and be a little more creative, although very much more sappy about it.

It's made about 43 lines so far, but it's not complete. For this one I want to be perfect. I'll give you the first four lines that I have already, they just randomly popped into my head in the shower....

And you can take all the drugs
'Till you're blue in the face
And they'll open your mind
And you'll feel no disgrace


Of course, I don't know if that's the actual real beginning. But it kinda started when I thought the three lines that I wrote yesterday sounded quite alright, and that I was going to make something more out of it. So I half know what I think I thought, and I don't know if I agree with it, but I feel what I feel, and I do what I do, and who really knows if that's right or wrong, or good or bad, or both or neither.

Why do we do the things that we do...?

Carling Cup

I watch this today, at home with my Uncle, a Spurs fan...my dad meanwhile a Chelsea fan like myself went to Wembley to witness all the action. But the whole way through Dad and my uncle were texting each other, you know all that banter to wind the other one up....so I wrote one of my first ever poems, inspired by this crazyness.

Untitled

Paying money to be at the final
Might as well be at the pub.
A bit of fan banter,
Concentrating on text.
The in-laws on atmosphere,
What will be next?

Testing out the telly,
Is it better in HD?
The crowd are better looking,
Spot the members of the family.
Watching shirts and shorts
For hidden signals of rivalry.

Shouting advice to those on the pitch,
It's not as though they don't know,
Is it third time lucky?
One goal and one text
The in-laws on atmosphere,
What will be next?

Disagreeing with the ref,
but didn't even see.
Two minutes left to equalize
And bring it back before half time.
Then the whistle blows.
Deserving or not, chances benign.

Half time comes with all the ads
Get up for a burger
And a trip to the loo,
Still continuting to text.
The in-laws on atmosphere
What will be next?

Then a typical fan
On the loosing side,
'Cause it's not a "major cup".
Wont be gutted if no win.
No more magic touch,
Optimism thrown in the bin.

He's back down on the floor again,
Guess that's no suprise,
Subs on to bring more hope.
What happened to the text?
The in-laws on atmosphere
What will be next?

And so there's a penalty
Score! 20 minutes left.
Everything now to play for,
atmosphere turned around.
Free-kicks and shots at goal
But no breakthrough. Extra time bound.

Extra-time starts off real lucky,
A comeback from behind
Defend for more attack.
Bring on the text
The in-laws on atmosphere
What will be next?

A mad dash panic,
Fighting till the end.
The holders have lost their grip
On the nonsense two-cents cup.
Why always wait until
Game's almost over to pick pace up?

And so the winners get their prize.
Now it's worth every last thing,
And it's all fun and games
Ceasing the text
The in-laws on atmosphere
The journey home is next.

by Ashley Byford (aka ME)


Of course I am disappointed in my team, but it has to be said that spurs were very deserving. Chelsea are just lacking something these days...a bit of a spark about them. And I've noticed many times that they never seem to do a whole lot anymore, just score a goal on the odd occasion...but then that is the point of football.

Anyway...enough of that. I find it incredibly amusing that fans on the loosing side say things like it's just a little cup, nothing major. And as soon as they are on the winning side it's everything. This was the case with my uncle, and through the text, this was the same with my dad too...

People are astounding...they really are!!

Intuition breakthrough?

You are the first on my list,
And there is only mist
When there is no you.


kay, so these seemingly random three lines that popped into my head while I was thinking about things and stuff....These words could actually be quite significant in my development as a person...or spiritual development. Development of the mind, the body the soul, whatever it means to you. But my own personal development of some description.

I know that the first line is from a song, I was listening to it only yesterday, but it got stuck in my head, but the next part I made up, and quite liked it. I did however like it so much that I doubted my ability, and thought that there was no possible way that it could have come from lilly moi. So I typed it into google and did a search on it to see if anything came up. Nothing came up, hoorah it's all mine.

What I did find though amazed me no end. I came across a blog called "mists of the soul". What I read was remarkable, but then I wonder if I am telling myself something. Am I telling myself that being away from what I don't want to be away from is what I have to do to learn things?!

Sometimes I think these things are the hardest. When there are things that need to be done but you can't bare to do them. It hurts your head and your heart to do them, even if they are right. But these things are sent to try us, and it doesn't mean that what you don't want will be forever. Maybe it's needed for things to progress.

I give you a couple of quotes from this blog that I have been reading...

"Mist crowds my minds, driving away thoughts...mists are a place to rest[...] In the mist thoughts can drift and turn and combine and that is a place of creativity [...] In the mist the turmoil of emotions calm again, giving peace for a time. [...]Mist is a refuge from the outward world. You can practice your spirituality, pray for all your blessings, and soothe your grief."

"Souls, working the path of spirituality, waver and leave the path. This is a know fact. Some leave it for decades, some forever, some for just a small break. Finding your was back to the Soul's pathway, is easy really. Just look for the clues. Yep, CLUES. You and/or the One have left them laying all over the place for you. Maybe a sacred rock in a drawer, A line from a book, a affirmation, a sunny day, or starlight night. They are as varied as there are stars."

"That person helped make you who and what your are today. The closer and more time you spent with them makes them a big part of you learning on the soul pathway. Never ignore that, or close the door on that learning, even if it is tinged in pain of grief. For with the learning came love and that is light energy, given and taken and that is "real". Swim in that love, emerge yourself in it and be whole for whatever time you have with someone, and with yourself."

Okay, so that last one makes me wonder. What is it to be whole? I want to swim in that love. I feel for no one what I feel for the amazingness. Someone who has taught me so much, and I go on and on about him, and how great he is, and bla bla bla. I know what love I feel, and I understand that it's not real love like what love should really be. It's not, real love is something that very few people will feel...I know this, but it's a tad difficult to explain. And don't let what I say question how you feel in your heart. Love is a very difficult something to have and feel, and you can search for it all your life, but may not experience it, because to experience it, you have to find it within yourself.>

And now I am lost, I know not what to think. Not what to think of it and him and anything and everything. What does it tell me? What do my dreams tell me? They have been vivid of late, and I've found them so packed full of emotion. I've pondered on some for years, and haven't give a second thought to others. I don't remember them in the traditional sense, when I wake up, I see something during the day that triggers the memory.

Indeed often I feel with regards to everything that I am banging my head against a brick wall. But I keep getting chances...is this going to happen until I get it right? Until we get it right? What is getting it right? Shy or not?

There's no need to worry anymore

This is a quick note for those of you who have been reading this over the past few weeks, and have become slightly concerned for my welfare. There is no need to worry about me. I do not live in a fairytale land, or even think that I do...I will not let pain and hurt get the better of me, and I will not suffer at all. Some people are vastly concerned because of how "in to" the amazingness I am, while we have our ups and downs, I can assure you that whatever the outcome be at any time, I will be okay, and things will go well.

Things can only get better afterall...they only get worse if you believe that they can, and out of anything that goes wrong, something good will soon follow. So believe me when I say that I am okay.

I don't need you to worry about be. Know that worrying is as much use as a bouncy ball in deep water. It doesn't solve anything, and it doesn't help, and while it's comforting in a weird way to know that one or two of you are thinking of me, I am sure you've got other things that need your attention...and one of them isn't moi.

If this sounds a bit harsh, I don't intend it to be, it's not supposed to sound that way, and I don't have the hump.

A Valentines Poem...

This was sent to me in an email today, and although I'm not up on the whole valentines things, I thought I'd share it, because it's rather touching.

The Risk of Love


There is a risk involved in everything
Every time you share a smile
Every time you shed a tear
You are opening yourself up to hurt.



Some people tread slowly through life,
Avoiding the closeness risk brings,
Side-stepping the things they can't understand
Turning away from those who care too much,
Those who care stay too long,
Those who hold too tightly.


There is never an easy way to love
You can not approach it cautiously
It will not wait for you to arm yourself.
It does not care if you turn away
It is everywhere, it is everything.


Love is the greatest of all risks.
It is not reliable, it is not cautious,
It is not sympathetic
It is unprejudiced and unmerciliess.
It strikes the strongest of mind,
And brings them to their knees in one blow.


Even in the best of times, love hurts.
It hurts to need, it hurts to belong,
It hurts to be the other part of someone else,
Without either of your consent.
But, from the moment it overtakes you,
It hurts worse to be all alone.


The risk of love never depletes;
It grows stronger and more dangerous with time.
But, it's in the total surrender of all defense,
That we, no matter weak or strong,
No matter willing or captive,
No matter what, we truly experience love.


Despite the many things love is not,
Outweighing it all are the things that love is.
Love is surrender without a loss.
It is a gift without the cost.
It consumes your every thought & desire,
Every breath you take.
It is the fire that fuels you
To do more than pass through life;
It urges you, instead, to live.


No matter the outcome, having felt love,
You will never be the same.
It may scar your heart & soul
And Leave you only memories of forever.
Or, it may cause every day of your life
To feel like there is no need for tomorrow.
But, love is worth it. It is worth the risk...


For in all of life,
Love is truly the only risk worth taking.


I wish I had written it myself, but alas it was written by Kris Hydmore. Make of it what you will, but please take risks, and make sure you them give those risks a good chance before thinking that by taking the risk you made a wrong decision. Not everything happens overnight. Especially in the case of love.

It's easy to be with someone, but please remember that when you are that they need to know that you want to be with them, for just being together is not always enough.

And if someone truly touches your heart, let them know at every chance you get.

It catches everyone

It is 6 months today until I am 23...

TIME

We are all getting older so they say. Every second that goes by, is a second closer to death. Haha, bit of a morbid start, but it's true...isn't it? We are dead already are we not? Or we are at least not real anyway, so we are in fact not alive, and not dead. Can we be both? Can we be neither? Is there really such a thing as time anyway, and does it actually exist?

Please, somebody give me a decent definition of time. How did "time" come about? Who decided that that it takes a day to rotate around the sun. Who decided that there were going to be hours? And who decided that there are 24 of them? Who came up with the idea of weeks, and said we'd have 52 in a year, and then what is a year, and a decade and so on and so forth. My last question (for this little list) is time really what we think it is?

everything we do is timed. Every time we talk about something we talk about it with reference to time. I went swimming last week, I'm going to walk the dog later, my 10-year-plan. So you see, time is a construct of everything, everyday.

The only think that makes a day a day, and a night a night is the fact that it's light or dark. Now if it's a cloudy dull day, and it's not very light, then does time run the same way as it always does? Do we operate on different frequencies? Do we always operate on different frequencies? How about sometimes? Maybe never? Who really knows?

The thing that really gets me with time, is the fact that you have days where it seems to go fast, and days where it seems to go ultra slow. And the reason I ask about the different frequencies is because when you are asleep you can have a dream that lasts for seemingly many days, and yet when you wake up it's been a matter of hours.

Do we all experience this given time in the same way? And can time be manipulated? I put it to you that it can. Ponder on it a couple of days while I think up and argument for it.

And so....

...to bed.

Okay, I'm not going straight to sleep, I need to go over a few details of the past few days, just so we all know where I am at.

Lets go to bright and early on Monday morning, so still a little disgruntled i get up, and jump in the car, and from then, that moment when I pressed the magic play button on my MP3 player, I knew it was going to be a beautiful week.

The first song that came on, I decided at that very moment is the song I want played at my funeral. Admittedly it's slightly worrying that at the beginning of a brilliant week such as this one of the first things I really thought about was my funeral....but hey, why not. the song by the way is Love Generation by Bob Sinclair. I think it's perfect. It's bright and lively and happy, and always makes me think back to my first real adventure in South Africa. And because it makes me feel amazing as soon as I hear it, I'm hoping it will up the mood at my funeral. And I'd like everyone to attend in green, yellow, blue, pink, red, orange, purple...anything other than black really.

So I goes to uni, am slightly late for a lecture, due to being too lazy to get up at 5am on the dot, and so not leaving until 6.30, but not to worry, I got in and the topic of the lecture was democracy... which I do believe the amazingness mentioned in his blog that I read only a couple of days before.... here it is.

So we go on about having a rational choice democracy, where basically the majority win, and the minority will get together and say "Oi" but possibly not really get anywhere. should Will provide us with mini-milks at 9am on Monday's as an incentive to go to Philosophy. Majority will say "yes please" but the unhappy minority will say no because they don't like them, or are lactose intolerant I do believe was the example Will used. And then we talked about the other sort of democracy, that we don't really have, where people put aside their selfish interests, and think about what's best for society.

So after that I go to the machine desperado for some chocolate (my addiction to which is growing rather rapidly) and get myself a free packet of quavers in the process. Bargain!!

And later that day I give a homeless looking man a pound because he asked ever so nicely for 50p for some food, and so I gave him a pound. Thats my good deed.

Then it was after uni, and I went to Yazmin's and stayed the night at hers. Was knackerood, but who really minds.

Tuesday I went to uni, went to the library, was stopped in my tracks by a piece of paper folded in half, but the words "Ancient Knowledge" jumped out at me, and just next to this was information about the Bridport Prize. Me being me thinks that there is a reason that I was stopped by something that never would have sopped me if it wasn't for the amazingness, and saw something about short-story and poetry writing. The amazingness by the way, if I haven't said before, writes some very amazing poems. Unlike a lot of poets, like erm... well many poets, that spend ages deciding what word would go there, and what imagery fits in where and this, that and the other, the amazingness doesn't. These poems, which are fantastic on the most part just seem to flow from him. I've sat and sen him write a few in one go, and it's a spectacular sight to behold. But I keep telling him he should try to get them published, and then this opportunity was there, and so i piked up the leaflet and took it to him on Tuesday evening. I hope he does something with those poems, or they'd be wasted. I'd say he'll get something out of it, 1st prize I say. PLEASE, that way he can fun his travels, and go on his own journey, and with any luck, find a little something of what he is looking for. Oh I do hope so.

Why are his poems so good? because I worship the ground he walks on remember. But it's not just that. I am no expert on poetry, but I know that if you have a poem that somebody can relate to you are on to a winner. With the amazingness' poems, well you read them over and over again, and in general what ever is happening, those poems will fit. They seem to be very apt to change around them. They develop in your mind as your mind develops so to speak. I know what I mean even if nobody else does. So amazingness... please enter (I'll even pay your entry fee if needs be).

Now then, that was Tuesday already, I went to see the amazingness, and actually had a lovely evening, and I wasn't my usual silly me. I mean I rambled complete nonsense, but it wasn't so bad. And then after a while I had a giggle and a laugh, and it was nice, and I mean really nice. And then it was sleepy time, so I went to sleep. My Wednesday alarm started going off at someincredibly silly time of day, but I couldn't work out where my phone was, and it didn't seem to wake up the amazingness, so I waited for it to finish going off all it's 10 times, and hoorah, back to sleep I went.

Got up a little later, went home, walked the dog, ate chocolate with a freind who has recently split with her man. We all know that chocolate makes everything better... Later I went back around to see the amazingness, and again had a very lovely evening... and that's the way it should be. I left with a smile on my face twice, and I have learned a lot over the last few days. I tell ya, when we get along, things are so much more mind-blowing. And I think, I do not know this, but I think, if I am a bit more happy and lively, so is he, and that, to me, is something very special indeed. It builds and it grows in us both.

I do often wonder if this is really me talking. It doesn't seem like it much, and I can't believe that I say these things, but it appears that I do.

Today, well today I spent at work, and have been chilling all evening, watching nothing in particular, and surfing the net, looking at completely nothing at all.

That's all for now folks.

Functional...

In every dysfunctional sense of the word.

Okay, so I'm thinking I have a brain, and it works, it really bloody works. Even if sometimes I don't believe it myself. The problem with thinking through your brain, as I tend to do, means it doesn't work when you want it to, and when you'd rather it didn't work it seems to go in overdrive mode.

I saw a uni friend on Sunday that I've not really seen since I left halls early last year. I asked if she wanted any food coz I was about to leave Leicester, and had loads of the stuff that I didn't want to throw in the bin, thinking mostly of all the people who do not have any food. It seemed really unfair to throw out lots of good food. She came over, and I found that where once I probably could have talked to her for hours, I had nothing to say.

I went back to work this week, somewhere that I have been back to before, last time was last Easter. Last easter I was chatting all day every day to everyone, this time, I've avoided speaking to people at the best of times. I just don't have anything to say really.

My friend from afar has been close by this week, and I've seen her all of once, and while I was looking forward to seeing her, suddenly, when I was in her presence I had nothing whatsoever to say.

That's threewo examples of where the mind stops. And I looked forward so much to seeing the amazingness this weekend. I had missed him so much over the past week, and again, nothing. This keeps happening time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time and time again.

I don't understand. But then I wonder is there really anything to understand? Anything to grasp at all? I know it's all a figment of my imagination, and so technically it doesn't matter. But it matters to me. It matters to me because he matters to me. More than anything, and for some bizarre reason things seems to be tits up and backwards when it comes to him. I want it to be hunky dory, I've asked for that so much, and I believe that it can, and that it will be... I'm not expecting miracles, I don't believe it's going to be an overnight jobby, and I know I am going to have to work at it, really hard. And as many times as I've thought myself and moaned about the amazingness to myself, I know it's all down to me at the end of the day. I know it, so the trick I suppose is believing it :) woohar

So here's what I am going to do. I am rather publicly going to coach myself through each and every dilemma that gets in my way. Everything. from the small little things, to the really big things. It's my life, it's my world, it's the little thing that I do that can make a big big difference, to me and everybody around me.

Really, truly, I know it's not that hard. The thought of doing something is always worse than it is. I've just read a paragraph of some e-book that I found for free, just the first paragraph, and just from that I got a slight buzz, hopefully, by time I've read the lot I'll be onto a winner. I say I found, I just happened to open some other link, and there was a link to it on the page. Then on that page there was a link to an NLP seminar, which I enrolled for and passed onto the amazingness.

So here goes, putting forth my desires into reality. My first:- this week is going to be a whirlwind and a massive learning experience. I will learn things I never knew existed in my heart, and I will start taking the necessary steps to sorting myself out.

Top of my slightly long-term list though, is to understand and grasp things that I haven't grasped before. Everything, from the sublime to the ridiculous. What I plan to do is to stop reacting, and rather than reacting, doing. Oh yes, I am going to be good at making decisions too.

As I have just seen this advert on another page, about something completely different, i am going to make myself amazing.

So, from now on, no more misgogness please Ashley.

I'll be good I promise, lets gets cracking with the good (and nice) stuff.

The Amazingness

Just to clear a couple of things up, in case you are not the amazingness, and have stumbled upon this by chance and are wondering who this amazingness person is.

It's not like he's God, and I don't worship him in a godly type way. I guess I do worship him in a sense though. (And although this makes me sound like a Muppet, to me, in my world, he may as well be God)

It has to be said that he's one of the most influential people I've ever met...ever. He has taught me a lot, and has opened my mind to new possibilities, of which they are endless. He has taught me a lot about a lot of things.

He's the only person I know that has true passion for something, and it's a beautiful thing to witness. Seeing this in someone makes me smile inside and out. It's so refreshing to find someone who's not afraid to follow their heart and speak their mind.

We have our days when we don't get along at all, and we do have our ups and downs. It's funny, when we are having an "up" and getting along, I just want to grin all the time, it just feels awesome.

Basically, time spent with him is never time wasted. Time goes far too fast when I am around him. More often than not I have to force myself to leave his presence, because time that has been created is the limitation.

Pardon me for being so sappy here, but if you knew him how I do, well just maybe you would understand.

*blush*

Joy, love and nasty nice things

So yesterday lunchtime I was wondering through Newmarket, on a hunt for a card and a present for a first birthday. And when venturing into every shop I had this huge red & pink reminder of the fact that the most God-awful day of the year is fast approaching.

VALENTINES DAY

It's not a day that I've ever really enjoyed. In fact, I've never taken part... well only in the sense that I've sat in my room watching many films that have no love story in them (yes they do exist) with a tub of ice cream, or chocolate, or really anything nice that isn't pink or red. Trouble is at the forefront of my mind has always been friends that are spending time with a partner and doing whatever it is that couples do on valentines day. It's made me miserable for years.

While I think that it's lovely that there is a special day for which people get to show how much they care, like everything, it's all so commercial. Walking around and constantly seeing hearts and flowers all over the place and "leave a valentines message here" in shop windows.

DO you need to buy masses of presents to show someone how much you really care? And does everyone need to do it on the same day? Isn't that what anniversaries are for? And I don't just mean those stupid one week, two week, three week ones, I mean the proper ones, those yearly ones.

What I think I am trying to say is that shops are exploiting "love" for money. If you care about someone, do nice things spontaneously, you don't need a day that was invented to do it. Saying that, I suppose you do. I guess that if someone received a seemingly random something from a partner, they would presume that someone has a guilty conscience.

Just please do not think that you have to buy a partner something for valentines day, and don't let the world make you feel guilty for not doing so. Do it on a day that the mood takes you, without any silly "the perfect gift for valentines day" weblinks. Do it when you want to, when you want to show you care. The more I think about valentines day, the less meaning it has. It never really had a meaning in the first place did it.

A vast lonliness 01/12/2007 19:36

I found this old thing today as I was looking for a page to do some uni work on......

On this planet there are billions of people, and every single one is alone.

Now you may not think I am right, and the argument that I am about to put forward may not be all that convincing, you're just going to have to trust me on this one.

You may have friends and family and other loved ones, but you are the only person in the world...universe that knows exactly how you are feeling.

But 'I can tell them' you say, 'and they can empathize with me' you say. Yes, yes, you can tell them and they can empathize or sympathize, but can you really describe with all the words in all the languages in the universe exactly how you are feeling? A word was invented to describe how someone was feeling at a particular moment. They explain it in a way, but not fully.

I will give you an example, say for example, you felt nervous. I could say 'yes you are nervous' I can empathise wuth nerves, or not. I don't really know what your version of nervousness is. What are the symptoms of nervousness? How many different people have described this word, or used it to describe themselves? Has everybody described exactly the same thing? For example, does everyone get "butterflies"? Are butterflies teh same for everyone? Don't people get butterflies when they are excited too? Many people get butterflies when they are around a loved one... if you ask me, I do not have a clue.

Have you thought about this? Only you can know how you are feeling. Nobody else ever feels things the same way as you do, and therefore you are alone.

It's nice to think that you are not, it gives you comfort, and if you prefer to think that you are not, then that's fine with me. You are always alone in your thoughts. You can be influenced by others, but you don't think the same. One idea can be interpreted and explored in many different ways.

You are alone, I am alone, everyone is. Don't depend on anyone, because they are unable to make you truly really happy. Only you can do such things for yourself.

By all means, build relationships, have someone around to "share your experiences" with... but remember, you are born alone, and you will die alone.

If you are wondering if there is therefore any point of existence, there isn't, so you may as well end it now!
(that last sentence should be taken in jest)

Now then, I have just been to see the amazingness... and whist chatting away to him we were talking about synchronicities and lots came up. I have indeed realised that, woah! here's one. I talked earlier about people being alone. I know it's not the first time I've said it, but I never read what I found earlier, just saw it and thought I'd type it up later. And here we are.

I am also aware that he has written about empathy and sympathy in the last few days which are also mentioned above. A few other things about this spring to mind, I expect he will notice...

p.s. amazingness... I hope you will not mind the links to your writings on this page :) x

I do not wish to disturb

…Your life or anyone else’s. I do not willingly and knowingly take the piss. I’m a) not that witty, b) not quick-thinking enough, and c) not that kind of girl.

It seems odd to me. Lots of things are odd. I’ve decided that from Sunday (picked at random, but seems as good a day as any) I am going to keep a rather accurate record of my thoughts and feelings for a week. Just to see what comes up really. I’ve had many random thoughts and dreams recently, which I’ve simply ignored, and I know I really shouldn’t, because every single one of them is key, and can help me unravel the biggest secret I’ve kept all my life…myself.

I thought a short while ago, is anyone going to come up with the answers? People come up with answers all the time, but generally they are the answers to questions that have not yet been asked. Are these people on target, or are they thinking way to far ahead? Will they eventually burn themselves out too?

There are people that will be remembered for many moons to come for being ‘ahead of their time’. What does this term actually mean? In the grand scheme of things time does not actually exist, so they can’t possibly be ahead of it, or behind it. Are we traveling backwards or forwards? The amazingness asked this previously, and the more I think of it, the more I wonder. Moving backwards does not seem logically possible, but then really, what is logic anyway?

The term ‘older and wiser’ no longer means a great deal, I think the smartest of all people are those that have just entered the world. I mean for a short while they are the only ones that have not been spoon-fed junk & rubbish. I suppose you can grow old and wise, but only if…how did he put it? You unlearn everything the world has taught you. Just like he is doing now I suppose; re-training his brain - or reprogramming/upgrading his software (see Culture is your operating system).

Lets go with this…

Home is your hard-drive

Culture is your operating system

Your mind is your software (complete with bugs)

The body is a virus

Media is a Trojan

Consumer goods are worms

Not knowing that much about computers, I don’t really know if all those are in the right order or likened to a correct sort of computer type illness, but I am missing a lecture for this.

My Own Mind is My Own Church

Good Old Mr TP (Thomas Paine) said that.

I mean there are so many people that believe in "god". Who knows really what god is. I don't. I mean I've likened the idea of god to a talking CCTV camera before now, but I have no evidence to suggest that that is what he/she/it/the thing is. I suppose I could go stand near one and make it talk, see what the voice behind the machine says. What do you need to do to make one talk? Can you stand near it and simply wave and say hello, and you'll get some man or lady speak to you saying, you've made my day, for that you're off to heaven. Probably not.

Ideally I'd like to think that there is something out there. I like the idea of the cosmos, or the driving force behind everything. Although then I sit and think to myself. Why does this driving force seem to bring destruction along with it.

Why did man get so clever. Or at least get to the point where they thought they were clever; actually it has to be said that we are now more stupid than we have ever been. Why did apes manage to evolve into humans. Why didn't any other animal evolve? Why wasn't another one given some sort of weird knowledge out of the blue? Who chose us? What chose us? Why were apes picked to evolve, why wasn't something else picked. I don't know, like giraffes.

Hahaha, I've just had some mental image of a giraffe in a suit going off to work. using the lift, smiling and winking at everyone it comes across. Giraffes have very pretty eyes. I think that's why I like them.

Anyway, surely something else would have done better things with the consciousness that we have.

Do dogs think?

I mean, when you think of it that way, it's hard to believe that there is any sort of god. With all the death and destruction on this planet, well why would something create that? Why would a great god want it's people to sacrifice themselves to it? I mean it happened in ancient times, and in an odd way it still happens now. There are wars started in the name of religion. Now people are killing and sacrificing people who have a different belief system. Why do that? Where does it get you? What does it solve?

My own mind is my own church. Thomas Paine has a point. You cannot be certain of anything in this life. You can't be certain that anything is real. Only think you can be certain of is what you are thinking, what you are experiencing. What drives you, and what makes you want to continue. It's all down to you at the end of the day. And therefore the only thing you can depend on is you. Therefore you are your own god, thus your mind is your church. If you look inside your mind it is your place or worship.

I don't really know what I am getting at anymore. There was a point to this. Or at least I think there was. or am I procrastinating again, to ease the workload. Not that it really eases, or is hard, or needs easing. It's just hard to stay focused on something I have to do, as apposed to something I want to do. Hummmmm.......nothing.

Oh, and another genius quote from Thomas Paine....

All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions, set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit.

Was he right or wrong... you decide!!

A series of quick & noisy odd farts

What on earth can this be about? While I am sat here waiting for my brother to sort himself out so I can go along the joyous A11 a little way to Elveden, I'm listening out to everything that's going on down stairs. In an odd way, it's cheering me up, even though I've spent the last 24 hours in a null place in my head.

I've thought for a moment, nobody ever stops.

There is a series of odd-sounding farts coming from downstairs. Not real farts, nope, just my dad doing some drilling while putting the skirting board back together. Mum is running around after Lola, and my brother is now shouting at me to get moving...

19:06 A trip out and a kebab later

What was I thinking. Oh yes, I was going to go onto the family unit. The family unit well it's not really a family unit at all. Well not in my house it isn't.

You get families who are really close and communicate with each other, families that don't ever really communicate with each other at all, and families who do nothing but drive each other nuts. I think mine is the one that don't communicate with each other. I'm not all that close to any of them, only my brother. With me & Ell it's always been us against the parents. While I am slowly building a relationship with the two oldies, their personalities are not personalities of people I'd choose to be friends with at any point.

I have a worry wart for a mother, and she does worry a lot. I'm sure that in her head she's about 80, the kind that's seen everything that can go wrong and believed it will again. She does nothing but worry worry worry. She nags a lot too, nag nag nag. I don't mind, I tolerate it, because I love her.

And my dad, well he can be a miserable sod at times, but then who can really blame him. Everything is down to him at the end of the day. Dad's are generally quite rubbish, and I was told this a while ago, and find myself reflecting on this quite a lot at the moment. I do feel for dads though. You see, many of the worlds dads are the provider for the family. With that comes high pressure jobs and this that and the other. I've come to the conclusion that my poor dad never really had much of a life. I mean he lost both his parents at a young age, got married and divorced, then got married to Mum, who worries and nags and because of this he's currently working from about 8 am to about 5 pm, and commuting to London every day of the week. he's up and out the house well before 6 in the morning, and gets home around 7ish in the evening, and is generally in bed about 10. Time spent at home is more often than not time spent doing decorating of some sort, and sleeping. It's hardly much fun, so I can't really blame him for being miserable.

And then we come onto my brother. He's now 15 and unfortunately when I realised on his birthday just how old he is, it came as a bit of a shock to me. Frankly to me he's still my little baby brother. But we used to get along great. Now I think he just sees me as a back-up taxi service when Mum and Dad fail to provide one. But he's a teenager. Of all the members of the family that I am eager to build a relationship with most he's definitely without a doubt top of my list. But in this day and age, to save his embarrassment I've taken to communicating with him in cyber land.

He's had his heart torn a little recently by a girl of all things, this saddens me somewhat. I don't think my parents even noticed that something had happened. So I said I'd like to be there for him, and if ever there was anything he needed he could turn to me. While he's a 15-year-old boy, and the last person he wants to speak to about girls is his sister, well I had to let him know that there was someone around that cared.

I think the next couple of years in Ells life are going to be pretty darn massive. He's got his GCSE's to do, then decide what to do after, all the while he's trying to make my parents proud, and that's a lot for one person to take on. But I've been there. I've been at school where he is now, with this awful pressure from the family to "just do your best" I've been kicked in the teeth by members of the opposite sex, stabbed in the back by "friends" and very alone.

I don't think that anyone deserves to be alone. Nobody. No matter what they have done. I expect some will disagree with me, there are some very nasty people on the planet, and they have done some very nasty things... but really they are crying out for someone.

Everybody wants something more than they have. And by that I don't mean the latest i-pod or a nice new cinema room. Or maybe I do. While someone has the latest gadget before their friends they suddenly get all this attention. The novelty eventually wears off, or their friends loose interest. But it's all for attention.

Everybody just wants a little love. Whichever type of love this may be. I think love has about 3 different levels. There's the love you have for a good friend, then there is the love you have for a lover, and then there is the love that's the unconditional kind which you half get from your parents.

I say you half get from your parents because at a certain age, usually about 8 or 9 when you start to develop your own mind and stuff they sort of loose interest in a way. This I think is because while they have control over you, you are exactly who they want you to be, and when you are not, you become a hindrance.

Trouble is that by time you can develop your own self, they have got under your skin enough to make you or break you. The only time you are a blank piece of paper is when you are still in your mothers womb. As soon as you pop out you are subjected to all sorts of things. jabs and injections, being pulled about and prodded. Granted you get cleaned and entertained, but entertained in a weird way. your parents choose your toys. If they don't like the idea of a certain type of toy then you wont play with it. You will play with it how you are taught. And a child starts off it's life by mimicking everything that it's parents do, or that it sees on the TV. And when you are a child you don't see TV the same way as your parents do, but you do remember it. After all, most people know of that classic episode of rainbow about playing with twangers and sharing balls. For anyone that doesn't here it is...


You see, you can never develop your own mind, and think the way you want to think because from day dot you are influenced by all the people around you.

Is it unprofessional to walk through down drinking cup of tea. A cup of tea from an actual cup. I myself think it's no different that walking around town with a take-away cuppa from a take-away cuppa shop, but this once almost lost me a job. I'd just made the damn thing and was told to go to the bank. I wanted to drink my tea, so did both lots in one go. Simple. It's only unprofessional because it's a little out of the ordinary.

Back when I was a quirky character I did things that nobody else would dare. I'd dance stupidly in the shops, and I'd shout and be loud and noisy and embarrass the brains out of my friends, and I didn't care, in fact, I had fun going against the grain.

I've not done it for a while. In fact I think next time I'm out and about I may well give it a try and see what happens...

Watch this space .......................

Burried Alive - stuck in the mud

Creativity isn't one of my strong points. I do have an imagination, but when it comes to explaining what I see when I am totally relaxed, well that's when it disperses.

I see things when my eyes are closed. Things that I only close my eyes to see I am sure. Largely, like a complete numpty I ignore the fact that I am gifted in a very weird way. I don't fit.

This is the thing. I am here, and I am me, and I am stuck. I am stuck because I know there is more to things that what we just just see and here. The amazingness is a prime example of this. There is so much more to him that what anyone realizes, even me. And why do I call him the amazingness? Because he understands. He understand what it is to go inside and find out what a persons own demons are. He has insight into so many things, so many wonders, and do you know why. It's because unlike me and the vast majority of people, he follows his heart, he believes in himself and his thoughts, and doesn't let much knock him back. I listen to him, and it's so refreshing. I think he truly is one in a million, and this is probably why I think of little other than him. I don't even know how to describe what he can feel and think and do. If I could, i think the only person that would truly understand it would be... well him.

Thank you to the person who sent me a text and said 'don't get too attached to "the amazingness" because there are plenty of other guys that would get attached to you for a lot less'. While this is probably true, there are not many people that I would even want to get myself attached to.

I don't fit in. I've mentioned before I think that I am an observer. I am leading a double life, and at the moment, it's probably killing me on the inside. Torn between the head and the heart, I am burying myself alive. Mostly because I am so unsure of what I am thinking at any moment in time.

I've looked inside myself so many times, and yet I find nothing, I do find something, I find the cause of my problems, I've been helped so much to find it, but the trouble comes when I try to grab it and get it out. like my imagination when I try to share it, it just disperses. It moves, and it hides itself somewhere else, like a child playing hide & seek.

It is a game of hide & seek, my emotions, my thoughts, my feelings, they are all there, I just can't pin them down long enough to listen to them.

Today I have tried to do something that I've not done in an absolute age. I've to tried to simply lay down, relax and clear my head. Truth is, I've been so restless and rattled that I've not been able to do it.

I wrote loads earlier, I don't know what about, I simply got in a semi strop and scribbled all over it... It's no longer readable.

I am a soft touch. I know not what I do, where I go, what I am, who I am... I hate who I have become, for I don't know what it is.

I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish I was more like the amazingness... in the sense that I could understand the stuff that isn't really comprehendable to most. I have my days, but my understanding, accepting and knowledge is inconsistent. 3 steps forward.....some days, and always 2 steps back.....every day.

Trouble Sleeping

Sometimes I wonder. I wonder if there is in fact an answer to anything.

Deforestation

It saddens me that we as a race are single-handedly destroying the planet. What doesn't sadden me is the fact that actually we are destroying ourselves. The planet we walk upon and the air we breathe will in fact never die, thank heavens. Only those that deserve it will - HA!

No, really they will. Who deserves it more than a cows backside?! HUMANS!!

YOu see I am a tad irritated. I went for a walk in the Thetford foresty area with my mum, and my little Lola earlier today, and as we were walking my mum pointed out that some trees had been cut down... This sent me on a little bit of a rant about deforestation, and how disgusted I am with humanity.

Stop messing with nature please. And yes, I am very aware that in some ways I am in fact a hypocrite, but then so are you. We're all human after-all, and that is a major major vice.

So, here we are, poisoning the air with all this CO2 because we've got too lazy to get off our backsides and do anything that involves the slightest amount of effort. You walk into a factory, years ago people would be doing stuff, now they oversee a machine do it. People don't walk, not even to the shop around the corner, they take their car, people don't recycle, because it's far easier to throw everything away like a piece of rubbish.

I know in this area they are trying to turn some parts of the forest into breckland again, to encourage certain animals and habitats to come back, which in a sense makes me laugh....Thetford forest is man-made. It was created by man, and is now being destroyed by man. It makes no sense.

Anyway, where was I? Yes, man, lazy, grrr. But the thing is, we use all this grand technology (I am still waiting for the lot to go wrong) all of which generates all this carbon dioxide stuff. In rainforest's and such the like, trees and plants have benefited from this. They have all grown quicker and bigger and better since the rise of this gas in the air, we breathe oxygen, they breathe carbon dioxide. I am sure that if it was the other way around we'd grow quicker and stronger, but something tells me, you wouldn't see trees coming along and chopping us at the legs.

It's like trees were put on the planet for this very reason. But we don't notice, we don't listen.

How many people really really appreciate the beauty of the rainforest. I've not yet seen it first-hand. Only on the telly and in pictures, and that doesn't even come close to showing it's beauty, it wonderfulness. And I think you have to be a certain type of person to go and see this place. For some people will just look and say, it's a bunch of trees and nature, it's not just a bunch of trees and nature. It's beautiful. I think of every tree in that place as a person, each one is a living thing. And being the fuck-heads that we are, we chop down millions of them. It's not only the trees that get destroyed though is it... there are some of the most fascinating animals living in such a place, and they all get killed too.

I don't know much, but I do know this, I do know that when we die out our hideous mark will still be left behind. Unfortunately, I cannot think of any way to save the beauty. I cannot think of a way to get rid of the awful things we as a race have done over the years.

I WANT OUT

Realisations

I've just realised something. I have been communicating with Lucy via notes pased around a room, going back to my roots. Good old-fashioned pen and paper. I'd talk, but we are in a lesson, and I don't like to be disruptive (much). I asked about her holiday. She took her boyfreind of what seems to me like a million lifetimes long on a nice romantic break for his birthday. They went to yorkshire somewhere and it sounds very nice.

Anyway, I read it, and suddenly felt a longing to be in a relationship. An actual relationship that's real and good and nice, and loving and stuff. I've thought about it for the past year, since the amazingness came to be, but that just hit home I think. I said once about writing a story and making it a good one. Well I'd better write it damn quick.

I've started a note writing revolution. Yeah baby.

Anyway, yesturday I was going along the lines of everyone is alone. Everyone, even if they experience the same thing. experiences are personal, and individual, and everyone received them differently. Only they know what the experience is, but it's nice to have someone. Okay, so I do have someone, the amazingness, and I am in a relationship of a sort, a funny relationship as my mum says. While he is brilliant and amazing and every other word under the sun that... and I know, I know I say to myself that I'd rather have his as afriend for life than anything more and something to go wrong and loose him... there, there, there it is, that bit of nagativity, that I've disguised, and kept hidden from me for ages. I am happy how things are, I've never have a friend like it, but I do want more. But then that's just me being selfish isn't it.

A note to you amazingness: I only want as much as you want. That's good enough for me any day, okay.

Relationships, to me are quite scary. I've never really had a real one. And any that I have had have only lasted a couple of months tops. In fact, the only realish one that I had was a couple of months filled with absolute rubbish. I know what my problem is. I hurt the whole way through, but as normal I was nice little sweet little Ashley, and tried to be supportive and understanding, and thinking that he could be trusted, and would never do anything in the world to hurt me, and he infact did. And I never told him how I felt about the whole situation, I just tried to be there, and support him, thinking all the time that this was eating him up. It may have been, I do not kow whether I got anything truthful or if the whole thing was lies. She was so convincing, but I had no reason to believe this maniac woman who appeared to make my life hell.

Sometimes I think this is history repeating itself. I did everything that I could for him, i tried to help all the time, but forgot to take into conscideration how I felt about things. How did I feel about things? I don't even rememeber. Chantal was just a complete nightmare, and collectively they hurt me a lot. I forgave and forgot when I go the "whole" story, because that's what I do.

But it's funny isn't it, the brain doesn't forget, it just reacts to similar things in the very same way, and yes it's doing it again.

And so I've stored the emotion and fear and whatever else long enough. I can see it now, I've just got to get my mitts on it and remove it.

Really I just want to love someone and give them every little part of me... I wont get hurt like I did before, it's just imaginary after all. And if that is imaginary, then surely I can imagine that I am in a relationship, and I love someone and they love me, and everythng is hunkydory.

I don't need one, and not having one is far less hasstle, that's a guess, since I don't really have a frame of reference... but... I'd like one!!!

If Technology Can Let You Down

Then rest assured it will.

Technology is one of man's vices. The depedence upon it grows day by day.

I've heard the term "if technology can let you down, it will" many times... it's funny really, or at least I thought it was...

It has to be said that my favorite lesson at uni is Phillosophy of Education (minus the education part anyway) and I have spent days and weeks preparing for a presentation on Thomas Paine, the genius of a man (of a sort) from my little town, Thetford. We've done a few trips between Leicester and Thetford to film our presentation on Paine, I've spent the past week putting everything everything together, and on the big day...you've got it

TECHNOLOGY LET US DOWN!!

While I found it rather amusing, and find the fact that my laptop has almost surely given up quite funny, but the girls did have a minor panic attack.

It's not the first time my laptop has let me down. In fact it's quite a regular occurance.

I just find it really odd. The moment that smething technological fails... everything stops.

Why rely on something that we invented. We invented it, we have a million plus faults, so everything that comes from us is goign to fail too. And when it hapens we are suprised by this....?

I even find the fact that I am running on less than 2 hours sleep and pro-plus quite amusing. since 4am I've had 6, and I'm buzzing like a bee. I shall add to it soon and probably give myself a heart attack, but at least for now I am awake. Strangely, although I am struggling to resist the temptation to to run around the room, do a little jig and start singing, I am incredibly focused on this.

I am ina class watching a video and praying and hoping that it goes kaput too. It would amuse me no end. Also, I have an IT lesson this afternoon, and everything to fail there, that would just make my day. No wait... going to work this evenig and the whole kit & kaboodle breaks... fantastico.

Oh and I do hope and pray that'll teach everyone.

A global powercut perhaps.

I seem to be looking to everything to break today. A bit of a disaster, that would be good. Haha, I sound like somebody I know... Have I spent too much time with the amazingness? Well if I have it can only be a good thing.

I have come to the conclusion that while the amazingness influences everything he comes into contact with, I observe. I see his world, though I don;t understand it, and I observe the normal world, which I live in, but doesn't really make much sense to me anymore.

Why do I do what I do and how do I live like I live? Why everyone does... it's all we've ever known, but then...

No, no, no, no, no, no, it's not all we've ever known. It's all been made up. It's come out of power and fear and control and repression.

I can't tell the difference between red & yellow.

12:17 in lesson, the power just appeared to go off on the projector... it came on again though, but i got what I wanted in a way.

14:06 are we having technical hiccups... a technician came in... he moaned at us for having drinks and food, in case we spill on the keyboards....how old does he think we are? But anyhoo, nothing was on the magic whiteboard, and he's been a gone and now there is a nice powerpoint presentation on there. Hey-Ho here we go!

14:15 technology fails again - haha

14:19 Donk!! mgic board does not agree with Heather

14:24 It's come to light that I've been predicting the future. The girls, Katie & Abby have said to Heather about three times now "technology is failing you today." I asked if they'd read the blog I'd posted (this one) the answer.......NOPE!!

15:02 In walks another technician

Left Wanting More

There's an issue that I've had for years, since the thing that the issue is regarding came into my life and I was aware of it. Friends seemed to talk about it a lot, but oddly I didn't. It's always been something that's a bit of a taboo subject for me. Something I've mostly avoided like the plague, and never really been bothered by... but i have a feeling that for the first time ever it's got under my skin. I do not wish to say what the issue is. A select few people that know me will know what it is without me saying.

And why has it just started to bother me. It's something that was said about it today. A particular word was used to describe it, and suddenly, although it now might never happen, at least not for a while, which strangely bothers me, it seems a bit more appealing. It's just a word, but it made me think of something in a whole new light. Tonight it seems to be keeping me awake, it's bugging me no end, and I don't really understand why or how when it hasn't before. Has one word unlocked something?

It's amazing what one word can do. One little word can make a big big difference to something... anything. I do agree that choosing your words carefully is a good option. Although I think there are some key words that can be used to make things that are "good and nice" better and fandabbydosy.

It's just funny. I am left wanting more of something I've not really wanted much before.

I’m Away with the Fairies

There’s a world of thoughts. That is all.

Memories

Ok, so life is constructed by a series of memories and experiences. If memories come from experiences and experiences are memories, then what is life?


A colleague of mine at work replied:


Life is beautiful. Your quite right memories and experiences fill our lives, but they are our choice as to what we want these memories to be. Everyday is an opportunity to see new things, breathe fresh air, smell, taste, and feel, whatever we want. Without memories and experiences we would just exist, but without life we wouldn’t.


I do believe that she has a point. But I am still a figment of my imagination. So is everything, and when she asked why all the bad stuff happens, I replied, “It’s the collective imagination of everyone else that doesn’t really exist.”


A bit heavy?

When you wish upon a star

A year ago today I had my first experience of all these seemingly odd things. These off things that have kind of changed everything. Everything about who and what I am. I am a tad confused because I am still me, and while I know that there is somethign bog going on, I seem to have a problem accepting it and understand it, and vice-versa. I still do now after a year, but hey-ho.

When you wish upon a star; a song from a Disney film. I do believe it was Pinocchio. I do believe that Pinocchio's creator wanted a real boy and had wished upon a star that his puppet would become real. The wish came true. At first Pinocchio was a very sweet alive pretend real puppet. He entertained people with his sense of humor, and then suddenly he got in with the wrong crowd and became corrupt.

As a result of this he suffered a fair amount, and his creator did too. Eventually Pinocchio sorted himself out and did indeed become a real boy.

I think I have been wondering recently what is real, and what isn't. Real is what you want it to be. truth and knowledge grow inside of you, and the only thing that is truthful, and the only thing that is real is the thing that lives and grows inside of you.

Some people will never discover it, because they don't look, and are too scared to find out. What is knowlege and what is truth. What is real?! Knowledge and truth are only real if they come from inside of you. I think I have said this before somewhere a while ago, and have definitely heard it recently from the amazingness.

So when you wish upon a star, you are given some sort of hope, you have more chance of it coming true if you believe in it. I do and have many times over the years. gazed at starts and had thoughts and dreams, and while some of them haven't happened (yet) others have.

I know what I want, I know how to go about getting what I want, I just have to believe in myself as much as I believe in the stars.

I have much more to add to this blog, much much more, I shall add to it in a cupla days!!

No Purpose, no point?

If you have no purpose in life…well is there actually a point to being here?

Switch off and on your imagination and create a life with a new exciting purpose…if that takes too much effort, make it up and see what becomes of it.

Something is what you’ve got when you have nothing

Huh? Surely that doesn’t work? I do believe that actually, even if we don’t want to believe that, then it is still true.

I have things and stuff. Things and stuff that make me feel good about myself. On the outside maybe, but not on the inside. Well I suppose that would depend on how far inside one has looked doesn’t it.

In fact, inside your head it’s pitch black, so it’s quite hard to see, and it’s not quite as simple as switching on a light.

Just think, does whatever it is that you have, and feel so good about having give your life meaning? I bet it doesn’t.

It doesn’t take anything other than yourself to make you happy.

Your Legend Will Reign On

I believe that every man and woman that’s ever lived is a legend.

Every person has touched the heart of another in some way or another, and will be remembered by that person. A heat touched is a heart inspired, and without realising it the inspiration they receive from one, will be passed onto another and so on and so forth. Therefore, everyone that ever lived is as alive today as there were then, and will be just as alive in a million years as they are now.

And so to bed

Not just because it’s almost 2am, but because the world of thought is at it’s best when I am about to fall off to sleep, more things become probable.

Last night as I fell asleep I thought more about the fact that I could be a figment of my imagination, as could everyone else. If I am a figment of my imagination, and everything else is too, then what an odd world it is that I’ve created for myself.

So in effect if anyone else ever reads this, are they really reading it at all, or have I merely created that? Have they created this? If I ever get anything back from it….have I made it up?

What a mind boggling concept…or is it? Is this thought that I’m having my imagination? If so, what does it mean? I think it’s a bit on the groovy side personally.

Is it possible to actually switch it all off?

God is a CCTV Camera

While discussing knowledge and truths today at university, we did a rather intriguing task. We were given a list of 10 things that “we know” and were told to put them in order of things we know most to things we know least.

Top of everyone’s list, aside from mine (and the group that I managed to convince) was I know that I am real. I put this almost halfway down. I do not know that I am real, I could be a figment of my own imagination. I questioned everything. I even questioned the fact that the table I was making use of had 4 legs, because who was decided that four was four.

How do we know the Earth is round? Because nobody has fallen off the edge? Because we’ve seen pictures? Because people we “trust” have told us so? I guess that would be my guess, or one of those answers would be yours? Well, it’s not. It’s got caves and mountains, and hills and valleys, bits that float, bits that don’t, it’s not really round at all. I have seen pictures of where the land supposedly connects under the sea…if there was no sea, then what would it look like? Well it wouldn’t be round at all would it!

Anyway, another piece of paper said I know that God Exists. Again, I was not able to place this amongst the 10 very easily. It can’t go at the top, because if I am not real then what’s to say that anything is…so I put the two together.

I suppose the thing with God is that there are so many conflicting views on God from various sources. I was asked if I believe. I said that I don’t in a Christian or Catholic sense, I don’t see God as a he/she or a person. God is just a force that watches over us, and points us in the right direction occasionally.

GOD IS A TALKING CCTV CAMERA*


*Thankfully, not controlled by some old balding fat man stuffing his face with chilli nachos all day and releasing stinky air from his backside.

All The Small Things

What I find crazy, most crazy of all, is that I can write stuff on here that can be read by anyone. When I write things down they make more sense than any other which way the thoughts and ideas come out of me.
I do things so that people, important people to me, know I care, but in reality whatever I have done, or do do is not really showing that I care at all...it’s the small things, the small things that are so little but always always make a huge huge difference.
But how do you give something that you’ve never given before? And when you are not even half way to knowing what is inside yourself anyways. How do you share something with someone that you don’t understand, and no matter how many times you try, you cannot put the words together to even explain.
In the lines of sensitivity that’s what I am.
But then Ash, whoever she really is, always has been, but it’s always been largely ignored. The inability to show emotions, for everyone to always wonder how she can be so full of life and so happy all the time......is she really?! Pretending to be something she is not all the time, and loosing her sense of self......she’s forgotten who she is, for always pretending to everyone that she’s something else.
I think the nicest thing anyone ever said to me, and I heard it last year at uni, the words... Ashley you’re a bit weird, but I like you. Strangely I was flattered by the remark, and now I would think to myself, weird compared to what? What’s “weird” and what’s “normal”. Are they actually any different? Is anyone an individual, and if so, is there in fact culture or society.
Where am I going with this? Where was I? Showing that you care, you could make the biggest gestures in the world for someone, but telling them that you care, far outweighs everything else. And if you care so much for someone then theoretically you should want to tell them every little thing about anything............although, changing the habit of a lifetime is no easy thing, and when so much is eating away at you...how can it ever happen?
I know it can, I know full well it can happen, and I know that nothing would make me happier...I just wish the light had an on/off switch, rather that a dimmer, which turns ever so slowly, and dims the light just as often as it makes it brighter. 2 steps forward and one step back in other words.
THINGS CAN ONLY GET BETTER ASHLEY...KEEP PUSHING THROUGH, AND STOP BEING SUCH A MISERABLE COW!!!!!!!!!!
Why?
Coz there’s no bloody need woman, and if you feel crap on the inside, everything on the outside is crap too............Good Luck
Erm..........thanks

Uncomfortable in the skin that you’re in…

Peel it back
Take a look inside
Is it insane or mundane?
It doesn’t matter, you’re on the ride.



Life is a roller coaster; it’s true. While some people are happy, others are blue. Some are just uncomfortable, not ever knowing which way to feel at any time. It it’s this uncomfortableness that causes great frustration. What does it mean? Does life hold something more for you? Are you frustrated with what you have? Are you frustrated with what you don’t have? Do you know that there is something beyond all belief?

Life’s a ride, and as they say, it’s what you make it. If your resources are limited how can you make it more than it is already?

Is a performing donkey just another variation?


Ash, Ash, Ash, who are you? What do you want and what do you need? Completely different with every person you meet. You can make people laugh with your strange and bizarre antics. You can bore people with trivial things. You can entertain people for ages, and your aim is to please, and create smiles inside those who are feeling down. But not everyone it would seem. You’ve spent so much time building barriers, that nobody, family or friends, can cross. You have 1001 tried and tested defence mechanisms to keep yourself from being ridiculed which leads to it. Anyway, what makes you happy? Really happy? If it’s a certain person, why does time spent with that one frustrate you so much? Your barrier has been crossed, and now it’s real. Hurt IS an option, only if you can’t sort yourself out soon. Even now it may be too late. Why do you clam up? Why do you feel the need to hide? Why do you fear that you cannot compare to what’s in his life? Write a story, your own story, and make it the best one yet.



I do not know what to feel, or what I feel, or how to put it into words. Thoughts and dreams and plans with all the best of intentions often go wrong. I do not know why I fear you; I don’t know why I feel inferior. You have opened me up to a whole new world, one that I don’t understand. One which I get excited about when I feel that I do, but with things changing so rapidly, I find it difficult to keep up. I’d love to be able to do what you do, and read and read to my heats content. I could read millions of books in just one area, and still I would not understand. Maybe that’s me being defeatist and insecure, but how can I compete and compare to your world? Why would nice little Ashley be on your mind when there are so many other pulses floating around. I wish I knew what you know, and understood. I wish I could get it. I wish I could get what you’ve got. Your amazingness is matched only by your smile, your brilliance is matched only by your eyes. I have never met anyone like you, and I don’t believe that I ever will. To loose you would be like loosing everyone and everything I ever cared about all in one go. I don’t understand you, I wont say that I do, but I want to. I’ve never felt so close to someone, and yet so far from them too. I’m confused in my head on so many levels. I cannot help but wonder, if the whole world had not been built on a series of moments and well-constructed lies, would things be different. How does anyone know what is truth and what are lies? Everything is so closely monitored, so how do you have this fantastic capability to see though all the rubbish, where others would not.

How can I have been told so much and still carry along with the degeneration? How can you keep yourself away? You could know all there is to know, on your quest, but for now you are still you. In general I am an optimist. Work is something you CAN do to make living a little easier remember…

Why can’t I be me around you? Why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like I am nothing amongst the web of oddness you have?



Ash, stop forcing the answers to questions that exist only in your head, you already know the answers, you can already understand everything that can be understood. You have the desire of the knowledge, you just need to find your path of discovery. What you know, or don’t already is irrelevant. It’s what you learn from now that counts. About you, about life, about your past, it doesn’t matter, it’s all inside of you. You just need to relax and let the knowledge.com to you.



But I wonder what if I never make it, what if I never get past this deep routed fear that’s inside. Where does it come from, and will it ever go? Why when I try to do something nice for a certain person does it seem to go wrong? Never the way I imagined it would. Why am I currently this me, and not her me. Which one am I really? Why? What? Why?


Telephone your balloon in a typhoon. In other words Ash, the rubber barrier that has enclosed you is escapable. You are the helium that will find it’s way out eventually. While there will be times in life that you will be challenged and want to climb back into your bubble, you can make contact with the barrier, but you’ll never be able to get back over the other side. Immigration Control will stop you, and you wont even get the chance to seek asylum.

It’s going to be tough ash, but you really do have the power, and once you grasp that, nothing will stand in your way.


Promise?


YES!!!

Close the window

Or should that be open? Perhaps the window should be a door? Are you letting the heat out or indeed letting the cold in?

I guess that would depend on the way you see the world, what your influences are; what the influences of others are, and so on and so forth.

Is there such a thing as being too optimistic? How about too pessimistic? What about realistic...can you actually be too realistic? What does the term realistic actually mean? What is real? I am just as real, or no more real that you.

Opening the door or the window brings with it fresh air. You are not letting out hot air, not letting the cold out, just merely introducing yourself to new breaths, new ideas and new experiences,

Do you have doors and windows open or closed at home? How about in your mind? In either case, how many times have you closed a window and not opened another? How many times has something unexplainable happened, and rather than wondering why or how it happened, you simply closed the window on it?

Inadequate Soldier

Ever feel like everything is something, but you are nothing? Like you are a single soldier battling against an army of 2million, and yet you know not how to fight? That’s me. I am an inadequate soldier. I’ve fought many battles, I know not how, but somehow I have managed to survive, although I am constantly fearful of the next fight. I can win, I am strong enough, but would I rather run away? NO!

I’ve ran so much I am exhausted, and the 2million strong army caught up with me when I stopped to rest. It’s tough luck. I no longer feel that I am fighting a loosing battle for me. You have given me so much more courage than words care to define. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that I can do the same for you in time. Now I have a reason to fight this ongoing battle, and with you on my side it seems easy.

Thank you for giving me a chance. Thank you for lending me a helping hand, and thank you for showing me the way when I am blind. You are not alone anymore, for I am always with you in my thoughts and in my dreams. I’ll always be gone, but never for long. Being with you is my small measure of peace. The kind that everybody seeks, but is rarely ever found.

This is for you. I know not how to express how I feel and what I think in words, it’s completely unknown to me. I will learn for me & for you, but thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!